Comments | patrick_koster: Christmas Morning

patrick_koster

Christmas Morning

Jan 09, 2006 13:05

Follows this.He woke up feeling a bit disorientated, vaguely remembering regaining consciousness some time during the night and after a few words from the doctor, falling into a restless sleep again. The pain was still there, but nowhere near as bad as it had been when he firs woke up last night. Grateful for small favors, Patrick allowed the nurse ( Read more... )

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Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 9 2006, 21:05:09 UTC

He checked his pockets for the hundredth time that morning, making sure the packages were in there. Sam was organised to send over the meals with one of the regular barmen who'd volunteered to drive them over to the hospital for them, and the bar was decorated for Christmas lunch. Bookings had been thin at first, but in the last week had picked up ( ... )

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 12 2006, 21:38:49 UTC

At first Brendan thought there was something physically wrong, his main concern about Patrick's back, then arm, but as he stood there he watched the man's face and realised it wasn't.

He glanced down at the iPod clutched in Patrick's fingers and back up at the tear-streaked face. He slowly sunk down onto the arm of the chair, eyes fixed to the older man's face, and sat, waiting out the storm that was raging in front of him. One hand nervously rubbed up and down his thigh, the other rested on the bed, not touching Patrick, just waiting.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one patrick_koster January 12 2006, 22:22:58 UTC

Patrick shook his head, he felt a flush of embarrassment at crying and bit his bottom lip, willing himself to stop this particular walk down memory lane. There wasn't an awful lot he'd ever done that his father was proud of but the fact that Patrick didn't cry had been one of the few things that had seemed to please his father for some reason and since that time he'd never allowed himself to do so.

The music faded away and Patrick, aware of Brendan's presence but not quite able to make himself look at the man, after aimlessly rubbing at his eyes, blindly reached for Brendan's hand.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 13 2006, 00:40:05 UTC

As soon as Patrick's hand moved toward his Brendan took it and held onto him. Just seeing those tears on Patrick's face had been enough of a shock to bring tears to his own eyes. He'd sat there and tried to think if he'd ever seen Patrick cry, about anything. And he couldn't think of a single time.

Not one.

Ever.

He tried to blink away his own tears before Patrick looked up, heel of his free hand quickly brushing across his eyelids.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one patrick_koster January 13 2006, 01:04:54 UTC

His fingers tightened around Brendan's, squeezing hard, and then he let go of the man's hand, pulling the earpieces from his ears and turned the iPod off. His hand immediately searched for Brendan's when he'd finished but his gaze remained locked to his lap for a few more seconds. Patrick didn't even try and rub his eyes again, tears still running down his cheeks and he absently wondered if he'd even be able to stop them anymore.

He swallowed hard, an attempt to choke back the tears but when he couldn't, he tilted his head and looked at Brendan, an almost helpless look crossing his face as he did. Not understanding how a bloody song could get him to this point and not knowing how to make it stop, he turned to the one person who perhaps would.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 13 2006, 14:48:08 UTC

What is it? Who's done this to you? Can I take the pain away? Will you let me? The questions tugged at Brendan's mind, desperate to be asked, but he stayed silent, his fingers returning Patrick's tight grip. There were no words he could think of that would be right just now. Instead he continued to hold the man's hand and when he finally turned and opened his eyes, looking up into Brendan's face it was as if a wall was smashed down, rocks splintering into oblivion and what was left was the truth. The bare, naked, revealing truth.

All he could do for a moment was return the gaze, their eyes locked, silent messages being exchanged. When what seemed like an age had passed Brendan leaned down before he even realised he was moving. Eyes still fixed on Patrick's until it was physically impossible, Brendan pressed a kiss to Patrick's forehead, holding it there for a moment. He pulled back far enough to lower his head till their foreheads rested against each other, Brendan's eyes closed this time.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one patrick_koster January 13 2006, 19:32:48 UTC

Brendan's face swam in and out of focus, yet Patrick didn't close his eyes. And it wasn't as if hadn't occurred to him before that there was an awful he'd yet to tell this man, but for the first time he actually felt like he could.

Not now though.

Because whereas the tears wouldn't stop, the words wouldn't come. He found his throat obstructed and decided it could wait. Because right now, this, just being here with Brendan like this, was enough. More than he'd ever dreamed of over the years, more than he'd ever expected these past months.

And definitely more than he deserved altogether.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 13 2006, 22:53:25 UTC

After what seemed like another age Brendan opened his eyes again, pulling his head back far enough to be able to focus on Patrick, his hand still cradling the back of the man's neck.

Love you.

"You OK?"

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one patrick_koster January 13 2006, 23:00:31 UTC

Patrick blinked and drew a deep, shuddering breath. "I don't know," he said honestly, his voice barely audible. "Suppose I am, really. Or not." He made a faint attempt at a smile, and shrugged helplessly. "Not sure," he mumbled, his brow furrowing as he realized he really didn't know how he felt and he tightened his hold on Brendan's hand, because that seemed one of the few things that still made sense right now.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 14 2006, 11:19:24 UTC

The grip of fingers on his spoke the volumes that Patrick's voice couldn't. For a moment Brendan felt the anger inside him well up, lapping at the edges of his mind as he began to imagine what Patrick had endured during the years both before and after they'd been together. He knew some of the early days, but there was another 15 years of what was sure to be hell that Brendan knew nothing about from Patrick's own mouth. But his eyes spoke volumes that day.

"You're going to be," he said firmly, yet softly. His hand squeezed back, and his eyes fixed on Patrick's. "You're going to be OK, alright?" he repeated.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one patrick_koster January 14 2006, 11:38:51 UTC

Patrick swallowed with difficulty and shook his head. "I d-don't - can't," he stammered and then sighed with frustration, because the one thing he didn't need right now would be to start stammering again as well.

"I'm not sure this is a good thing or not, to be honest," he admitted, after taking another shaky breath, after all in the past crying had meant a lot, but never anything good.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 14 2006, 13:24:13 UTC

Brendan didn't notice the stammer, putting it down to just the emotion of the moment.

"I don't know either, but just want you to know that, be it good or not I'm still here."

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one patrick_koster January 14 2006, 13:32:05 UTC

"Reckon there are probably some things we ought to talk about, Brendan. Or, well, things I need to tell you," Patrick said quietly, fearing that there could probably be a few things that would make Brendan think twice about the words he'd just uttered. He blinked, not even noticing how the tears had stopped falling, and forced himself not to look away when he silently added and I'm not sure you'll still be here when I do.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 14 2006, 13:49:15 UTC

A small chill ran through Brendan, starting in his gut and moving up his spine at the sound of Patrick's words and look in his eyes. He swallowed as he tightened his grip on Patrick's fingers again, nodding slowly.

"When y' ready," he muttered, keeping his gaze fixed on Patrick's.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one patrick_koster January 14 2006, 14:25:07 UTC

"I will," Patrick promised, wincing a little at how ominous that sounded somehow. "Nothing you need to worry about, Brendan - and I probably shouldn't either. Not even sure most of it will matter but maybe some of it will. And, well, there are a few things we haven't discussed, I suppose. But we will."

It was only fair to give Brendan all the information, he deserved that much and even if it meant Brendan leaving him again, Patrick knew he had some things he needed to tell Brendan. "Don't think I'm quite up to it right now, though," he murmured, his voice still barely audible.

Re: Christmas day and birthday, all in one stormybrendan January 15 2006, 08:51:51 UTC

"It's alright," he replied gently, a little concerned that the gift had managed to bring about this upheaval in Patrick right now. He glanced at the iPod and wondered what it was that had started it all, which track.

"Didn't realise it was going to cause all this," he added with a small laugh, indicating the player. "Just thought it might help you sleep or whatever, with the movies, and all."

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