how to be stealth

[charcoaleyes78]

I'm a fairly open person.  I am not good at lying, at all.  We moved to WI from Brooklyn about a year ago.  In Brooklyn, everyone knew J was FtM.  He transitioned while we were there.  Now, we are stealth at our jobs.  Its usually not that big a deal.  But, I talk about things and just make them not trans related.

Why are we getting married in vegas

Comments

[aki_no_kaze]

sooner or later you will have to tell them that it is none of their business.

[catladyfemme]

I agree! At some point you are allowed to say, that's a personal matter. It's very prying for someone to say, 'what kind of plastic surgery?' I never disclose my partner's status to anyone outside of our close circle of friends who know. Lying and drawing boundaries to keep you and your partner safe are two very different and IMPORTANT concepts. You don't "owe" it to anyone to disclose your partner's status.

[aki_no_kaze]

just read your edit... in a close environment like that it can be even MORE important to tell people where your limits are, chances are fair to good every single person you work for now knows your partner had man-boobs.

I STRONGLY suggest you talk to your partner about this, let him know what you said, exactly, and ask how he feels about it. Most people I know who go stealth do so for safety reasons, if he doesn't feel safe with you telling people anything they ask for then, well, you have to ask yourself if it is safe for you to say anything about it at all.

you need to take his safety into account. As partners, we do have a lot to deal with in terms of stealth, disclosure and what not... but if he doesn't feel safe with people knowing then you must learn to tell people to back off. While not totally unheard of, partners rarely suffer physical violence... but chances are FAR higher that your partner will be the one that gets hurt if you tell the wrong person something that gets them thinking

[nolagirlie77]

Talk if you want to. Don't talk if you don't want to. You have the right to disclose as much or as little information about your private life as you'd like, and you shouldn't allow anyone to make you feel uncomfortable with their nosy questions. Sorry, but that's exactly what it is. Nosiness. If these people are merely your co-workers, and you do not feel close enough to them to share private details of your life, then by all means . . . don't. And please try not to feel guilty about it. My personal philosophy is that the only people worthy enough to know the details of my personal life are those who I've developed a relationship with and who I have invited into my life. Lots of people might knock on my door and try to get in, but if they don't have an invitation, the door ain't even crackin'! : )

[annabelle_blue]

This is such a hard thing. I feel you completely. You know how stealth our life is here in Indiana, and previously, in Minneapolis, it didn't feel like it had to be. I feel torn, myself, because I feel like and know that in some cases, our safety may be jeopardized if we're openly out. At the same time, I feel like I am hiding things from people I genuinely would like to get to know better, and feeling like I have that brick wall in front of us hinders that

[charcoaleyes78]

Thanks. Your posts are so insightful. Sometimes I forget how new this is to me -- today is the 1 year anniversary of top surgery.

[tommytesto]

Ask your partner. You are essentially disclosing his confidential medical information - and whether or not he frames his transition that way, that is what it is about for the vast majority of people.

Really - even most nontrans guys I know wouldn't want their partner telling other people in their social circle that he had "manboobs."

And stealth is not lying - I know you weren't exactly equating the two - but if you feel you are lying when you are not discussing your partner's information, that is about something else entirely - probably (just speculating, not knowing you) about how your identity is tied up with his.

Also remember that outing your partner - especially in a context where things collide in a different way than Brooklyn - means that he loses control over some very important things in his life.

[dolphinish]

I don't disclose my partner's trans status UNLESS someone meets her in person first. But that is our particular rule, based on our mutually agreeable comfortable level.

Maybe this is a particular issue because she is MtF, but people have this "idea" in their head as to what a trans person is. Which overshadows the actual meeting. She deserves a chance to meet someone without that floating around in their heads. And I think people respond very differently to someone trans, once they meet someone trans.

Also, meeting someone in person is (IMHO) a good gauge of intimacy. If I'm just having drinks with a co-worker after work, it's not the same as inviting them over for dinner. And hopefully, once I have someone over to dinner, they "get" us well enough that they understand our motivations in how we live.