how to be stealth

[charcoaleyes78]

I'm a fairly open person.  I am not good at lying, at all.  We moved to WI from Brooklyn about a year ago.  In Brooklyn, everyone knew J was FtM.  He transitioned while we were there.  Now, we are stealth at our jobs.  Its usually not that big a deal.  But, I talk about things and just make them not trans related.

Why are we getting married in vegas

Comments

[annabelle_blue]

This is such a hard thing. I feel you completely. You know how stealth our life is here in Indiana, and previously, in Minneapolis, it didn't feel like it had to be. I feel torn, myself, because I feel like and know that in some cases, our safety may be jeopardized if we're openly out. At the same time, I feel like I am hiding things from people I genuinely would like to get to know better, and feeling like I have that brick wall in front of us hinders that.

Personally, I think there is only so much ducking and dodging we can do. It's one thing to say "just don't share what you want to", but so much harder when you are in that immediate situation. If you don't share, there are other emotional consequences, and truthfully, I think the more you avoid something, the more it comes across that there is something to hide.

I don't like hiding it either, because it comes with an implied sense of shame. And we are not ashamed of who Adam is or what he has gone through in his life to be the man he was destined to be.

Personally, I sort of reconcile it with myself. I have to kind of compartmentalize my overwhelming need for activism in this area, so I tell myself that it's just a game I have to play to be safe with the one I love. When Adam had surgery, we were back in MN yet, but with some coworkers who didn't know, I played it off and flipped it back on them... "I'm not so sure Adam would appreciate me discussing something so personal like surgery in the office... I am sure you can understand... " I just sort of laughed it off kind of like I was pointing out the obvious intrusion of our privacy and usually people react with the behavior that they were being sort of rude and back off. So many times people forget how personal that is, and when you mention it, they feel kind of bad.

I usually deflect things with humor, to change the subject. But that's me. Like you, I usually make everything non-trans related. It's a part of our lives but it certainly doesn't define it. And that is the attitude I have taken when I explain it to people. And if you haven't, I recommend downloading the Transgender 101 book from the hrc.org Publications page. In case you get close to your friend at work and want to explain it. It's worked wonders for us in the times with my family and friends that we've come out to.

I don't know if that helped. I don't think there is a sure way to help, but usually my avoidance technique of pointing out the rudeness of the intrusion or simply saying something like, "Is this 20 questions or what?" in some sort of humourous tone will help.

Good luck. It's a tough spot.

[charcoaleyes78]

Thanks. Your posts are so insightful. Sometimes I forget how new this is to me -- today is the 1 year anniversary of top surgery.