Oh, I'm so not the right person to ever give advice on this. I carry grudges, and if I'm not able or willing to cut the person out of my life, I snipe -- for months, for years, until eternity. There have been a handful of people who are able to talk me around from something like that, but really, we're talking two or three. In thirty years.
So I'd say you're right, knowing that it's not the healthiest answer in the world.
Has he stopped behaving badly? Are his actions interfereing with your current work? Are your actions interfereing with his current work? Is your penalty taking up any energy on your part? At some point you have to decide whether maintaining the penalty phase is worth the effort, or is it prolonging the pain? You also have to think about whether your penalty is having any effect on him, or whether it's just messing with your mind to keep the penalty up?
And second - rereading this it sounds it, but it's not actually about emotional pain and retribution anymore. We've been through the wringer enough; we can't do that anymore.
This was actually a serious question. Because our boss is still kind-of making him pay for it.
And I know I'm not an impartial judge by any means, so I have no perspective on it. To me, he'll never be through paying. He screwed me over in every possible way.
The guy sounds like a jerk, and you should kick his ass but you sadly have to be the mature one in the situation.
And I also wish I could help. But... it all comes down to you. You and your personal examination of what happened. In the end, there is no clean cut answer to 'how long'. It's very splattered and messy.
He will probably always pay for what he's done, in a way. He (should) know that things will never be the same between you two ever again.
I actually have a friend like this. When I say something about certain things, she'll get all quiet and sulky. Then, she leaves it to me to explain to the many people who ask 'What's wrong with her?'. What am I supposed to say?
It pisses me off, to say the least.
Shit happens. Life gets fucked up. But it all comes down to the decision you have to make. Nothing anyone else tells you will be right.
For serious. We were just talking about it the other day and I was wondering what you all thought.
Because our boss is yelling at me for working all the time and telling him that he has to work all the time. And he was just sitting there staring at me and it just occured to me - how long do we keep making you pay for it?
I asked him and he just stared some more. He doesn't have an answer either.
And, as we all know, I have no perspective on this. Even though I'm done with him and all the bs...I'll never believe he fully understands what he did. And then all the personal stuff gets brought in to the work stuff and. It's messy, to say the least.
So - how long?
And your icon is so cute. It's our time, down here!
Sigh... can I offer up the age old wisdom that boys suck?
To me, the more important question is how it makes you feel. If you can stand carrying this around anymore, if it makes you sick inside to carry this much hostility or resentment, then you have to let it go. To me, how long you punish him isn't important, it's making sure you're okay. That might mean forgiving him, it might mean just cutting him out of your life. What he's done, on both levels, isn't excusable by any means. Man, I just don't know, I don't know if anything I'm saying is helpful, you know? Because it's so awful when you're staring it in the face and I know that nothing I say is really going to make it better.
Anyway, I guess it isn't so much what you make him suffer, but whether he's still making you suffer. You have to get to a place (whether he's there or not) where you can just move beyond it.
p.s. if it involves giving him an ass kicking, let me know, I'll get your back :)
I'm actually okay. For the first time in months I can say that and not shrink inside. It's the truth. One day I just...I don't know. Realized I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't have that insane hope or righteous anger rolling around inside me anymore. It was too much - he wasn't worth it.
But our boss is making him pay for it.
And we don't know if she should. I mean, yeah - to a certain point. But for how long?
I don't know though, isn't that her call? I mean, you can say something to her of course, but if she chooses to continue on in that way, that's her thing. I guess it would be different if it was something just personal between you two, that would be one thing. But it sounds like he slacked at his job and you got stuck with the responsibility. So if she, as your boss, is still irritated with him, it's her own thing as a employer/employee relationship.
I don't know, did that make any sense? What I'm trying to say is that you can't really control other people's reactions to these sort of things. You can try, but it's something she needs to deal with. But that's just me :)
Comments 14
So I'd say you're right, knowing that it's not the healthiest answer in the world.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Like I said awhile ago...I'm done with him. With that aspect of our relationship.
But other people are still making him pay for it.
So, when should it stop?
When do you let him off? When do you say, that's enough, we believe you're contrite and understand and sorry?
...I don't know.
Reply
Reply
And second - rereading this it sounds it, but it's not actually about emotional pain and retribution anymore. We've been through the wringer enough; we can't do that anymore.
This was actually a serious question. Because our boss is still kind-of making him pay for it.
And I know I'm not an impartial judge by any means, so I have no perspective on it. To me, he'll never be through paying. He screwed me over in every possible way.
But at work?
How much will be enough?
Reply
Sorry. It's sort of like celebrity, you know?
The guy sounds like a jerk, and you should kick his ass but you sadly have to be the mature one in the situation.
And I also wish I could help. But... it all comes down to you. You and your personal examination of what happened. In the end, there is no clean cut answer to 'how long'. It's very splattered and messy.
He will probably always pay for what he's done, in a way. He (should) know that things will never be the same between you two ever again.
I actually have a friend like this. When I say something about certain things, she'll get all quiet and sulky. Then, she leaves it to me to explain to the many people who ask 'What's wrong with her?'. What am I supposed to say?
It pisses me off, to say the least.
Shit happens. Life gets fucked up. But it all comes down to the decision you have to make. Nothing anyone else tells you will be right.
You can do it.
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
For serious. We were just talking about it the other day and I was wondering what you all thought.
Because our boss is yelling at me for working all the time and telling him that he has to work all the time. And he was just sitting there staring at me and it just occured to me - how long do we keep making you pay for it?
I asked him and he just stared some more. He doesn't have an answer either.
And, as we all know, I have no perspective on this. Even though I'm done with him and all the bs...I'll never believe he fully understands what he did. And then all the personal stuff gets brought in to the work stuff and. It's messy, to say the least.
So - how long?
And your icon is so cute. It's our time, down here!
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
Spot on with it'll probably *feel* like you're not forgiving him to the both of you.
But he's the one doing it. I've let go of all the personal stuff; I really want to be friends with him now ( ... )
Reply
To me, the more important question is how it makes you feel. If you can stand carrying this around anymore, if it makes you sick inside to carry this much hostility or resentment, then you have to let it go. To me, how long you punish him isn't important, it's making sure you're okay. That might mean forgiving him, it might mean just cutting him out of your life. What he's done, on both levels, isn't excusable by any means. Man, I just don't know, I don't know if anything I'm saying is helpful, you know? Because it's so awful when you're staring it in the face and I know that nothing I say is really going to make it better.
Anyway, I guess it isn't so much what you make him suffer, but whether he's still making you suffer. You have to get to a place (whether he's there or not) where you can just move beyond it.
p.s. if it involves giving him an ass kicking, let me know, I'll get your back :)
Reply
But our boss is making him pay for it.
And we don't know if she should. I mean, yeah - to a certain point. But for how long?
But I'd still like to kick his ass. :)
Reply
I don't know, did that make any sense? What I'm trying to say is that you can't really control other people's reactions to these sort of things. You can try, but it's something she needs to deal with. But that's just me :)
Reply
Leave a comment