Still not enough, chapter 13
Series: Still not enough
Chapter: 13
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Reid had a nice New Years night with a gigolo he can't get out of his head (Reid's POV).
Sequel of the Yule challenge 2015 entry: Not enough
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Thanks to zzzfreckles (Pamela) for the beta and encouragement!!!
Previous chapter
"Let's walk home", I suggested when we were outside. Casey had been talking a lot about Luke's family, more than my date wanted and now he was kinda absent and quiet. We also had a few drinks too many so we needed to sober up.
"That is if you want to go home with me", I said softly in his ear. In my fantasy he would turn his head to me and smile, nod and kiss me while his eyes started to get that magical spark but he didn't react.
Who was I to take him home? He obviously had a lot to deal with right now; did I have the patience to listen to him? Could I give him any logical advice?
The tables were turned since New Year’s Eve. Luke said then that he couldn't give me what I needed and now I doubted about my ability to give him what he craved. Would it be enough for him that I was interested in him as a person? Even though I had no idea what he needed me to be?
His shaking body felt so good in my arms. The icy wind was freezing but it also made me sober. We stood there for a while not knowing what to do till I felt my body lean forward. I softly caressed his lips with mine and tightened the grip of my arms around him.
All I could do was show him that I wasn't going anywhere if he wanted me around, no history or cold weather could push me away. He freed his arm from the cage I was forming with my body and touched my face with his fingers. It was subtle, the way he moved, the way he let his fingers follow the curve of my chin.
Maybe that was what he needed, a softness in me, a jump into something we both couldn't define. I didn't need to solve his problems, he only asked me without words to be there for him.
And to my own surprise I had that in me; I kissed his lips softly while I loosened the grip around him. I didn't have to hold him up, he was strong enough but he only wanted me to stay with him.
Or did I miss something? Was my blurred mind so sure about what he needed that I didn't see the signs? I could ask him but it would ruin the wonderful close moment we had. He couldn't put words to his needs anyway I guessed.
We stood there for a while, letting our noses touch, looking into each other’s eyes and touching each other until his body started to shiver so hard that we broke the moment.
"Will you come home with me?", he asked.
I nodded, I would do anything he asked me to, and for him to invite me in his house was a big deal. It was not only that he shared his body with me but he also wanted me in his inner circle, his private space, his safe haven.
I didn't ask how far it was, or if he was sure. I knew that he was a bruised man but I had seen him in his role of a strong independent man and I liked that picture, that version of him.
I knew that he didn't feel confident right now but I didn't want him broken either. I was not a therapist so maybe I did exactly the wrong thing but it was what I thought was the best thing for him. Being as drunk as we were I didn't want to take advantage of him either, by pulling his pain out of him now his inhibitions were gone. If he wanted to share things with me we needed to be sober.
We walked through the silent city for ages until we reached a nice house in the suburbs. It wasn't big or glamorous, but it had a huge garden with trees and a pond. Luke grabbed my hand and led me to a porch where he let me sit in one of the rocking chairs. He went inside and came back with glasses filled with warm wine. He put them on a table and made a fire in a fire basket.
Finally he sat down next to me. We drank our wine in silence while we listened to nature coming alive already. It was peaceful and intimate.
"I have never brought anyone home with me before", he said after a while. "This is the place where I come home, where I am alone, where I can think and ...I don't know, oversee my life.
I have been thinking a lot about you on this porch, looking over the fields. Trying to discover what I wanted, why I didn't give in to my feelings for you. I have had so many moments in which I had dialed your number but didn't continue, afraid to give you false hope. Afraid to give anything but my body. Scared that you would hurt me too. Scared that I would break if I was giving in. Afraid that it would scare you away, that you would think that I was a lost case.
I know I sound like a loser but I want you to know that I have cherished our time together as much as you have. When I donated money at your foundation I hoped you would be happy. When I asked Steven how his meetings with you had been I hoped he would give me some information about you, how you looked or what your mood had been. But it was never enough; I was always disillusioned when I had talked to him because I wanted to hear more about you. See you. Smell you".
I rocked slowly in my chair and grabbed his hand. "Maybe we think too much Ed", I said. "I have been exactly like you, thinking back and forth, asking myself if I had anything to offer you. Could I ever satisfy you after the life you lived? Could I let you in in my life? I like structure and perfection, predictability but since our night it isn't making me happy anymore. I have missed you".
Luke threw a few more wood blocks in the fire and I saw the flames radiate on his skin. He looked at me and I got warm from the heat in his eyes.
"Why are we not giving in Reid?", he asked. "Why is it hard for us to admit that we are better together? I am willing to try baby, I want you because you bring me to life, because I feel excited when I see you, with your analytical mind you reduce so many problems I see".
For the first time in my hectic life I felt at ease, sitting in the dark with the man who was on my mind all day. I never thought that it would happen to me but it did, I had fallen for someone. Who, and that was the most amazing part, accepted me for who I was. Who saw through my rudeness. Who obviously didn't have a problem with my autistic side, but saw the benefit of it.
It felt as if I was dreaming but I realized how important this moment was in our lives. As bad as I was with remembering birthdays or holidays, this day would be graved in my memory as the day that Luke and I promised each other something. What it was had to be determined in the future but our intentions were clear.
I warned myself that I should never have expectations towards him, I didn't want to pressure him in any way giving him the feeling that he failed. I was happy with everything he could give me now we had set some ground rules. Everything would be better from now on because I knew he wanted to be with me.
I squeezed his hand softly and stared into the distance. "I love you", I said softly.
Next chapter
Chapter: 13
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Reid had a nice New Years night with a gigolo he can't get out of his head (Reid's POV).
Sequel of the Yule challenge 2015 entry: Not enough
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Thanks to zzzfreckles (Pamela) for the beta and encouragement!!!
Previous chapter
"Let's walk home", I suggested when we were outside. Casey had been talking a lot about Luke's family, more than my date wanted and now he was kinda absent and quiet. We also had a few drinks too many so we needed to sober up.
"That is if you want to go home with me", I said softly in his ear. In my fantasy he would turn his head to me and smile, nod and kiss me while his eyes started to get that magical spark but he didn't react.
Who was I to take him home? He obviously had a lot to deal with right now; did I have the patience to listen to him? Could I give him any logical advice?
The tables were turned since New Year’s Eve. Luke said then that he couldn't give me what I needed and now I doubted about my ability to give him what he craved. Would it be enough for him that I was interested in him as a person? Even though I had no idea what he needed me to be?
His shaking body felt so good in my arms. The icy wind was freezing but it also made me sober. We stood there for a while not knowing what to do till I felt my body lean forward. I softly caressed his lips with mine and tightened the grip of my arms around him.
All I could do was show him that I wasn't going anywhere if he wanted me around, no history or cold weather could push me away. He freed his arm from the cage I was forming with my body and touched my face with his fingers. It was subtle, the way he moved, the way he let his fingers follow the curve of my chin.
Maybe that was what he needed, a softness in me, a jump into something we both couldn't define. I didn't need to solve his problems, he only asked me without words to be there for him.
And to my own surprise I had that in me; I kissed his lips softly while I loosened the grip around him. I didn't have to hold him up, he was strong enough but he only wanted me to stay with him.
Or did I miss something? Was my blurred mind so sure about what he needed that I didn't see the signs? I could ask him but it would ruin the wonderful close moment we had. He couldn't put words to his needs anyway I guessed.
We stood there for a while, letting our noses touch, looking into each other’s eyes and touching each other until his body started to shiver so hard that we broke the moment.
"Will you come home with me?", he asked.
I nodded, I would do anything he asked me to, and for him to invite me in his house was a big deal. It was not only that he shared his body with me but he also wanted me in his inner circle, his private space, his safe haven.
I didn't ask how far it was, or if he was sure. I knew that he was a bruised man but I had seen him in his role of a strong independent man and I liked that picture, that version of him.
I knew that he didn't feel confident right now but I didn't want him broken either. I was not a therapist so maybe I did exactly the wrong thing but it was what I thought was the best thing for him. Being as drunk as we were I didn't want to take advantage of him either, by pulling his pain out of him now his inhibitions were gone. If he wanted to share things with me we needed to be sober.
We walked through the silent city for ages until we reached a nice house in the suburbs. It wasn't big or glamorous, but it had a huge garden with trees and a pond. Luke grabbed my hand and led me to a porch where he let me sit in one of the rocking chairs. He went inside and came back with glasses filled with warm wine. He put them on a table and made a fire in a fire basket.
Finally he sat down next to me. We drank our wine in silence while we listened to nature coming alive already. It was peaceful and intimate.
"I have never brought anyone home with me before", he said after a while. "This is the place where I come home, where I am alone, where I can think and ...I don't know, oversee my life.
I have been thinking a lot about you on this porch, looking over the fields. Trying to discover what I wanted, why I didn't give in to my feelings for you. I have had so many moments in which I had dialed your number but didn't continue, afraid to give you false hope. Afraid to give anything but my body. Scared that you would hurt me too. Scared that I would break if I was giving in. Afraid that it would scare you away, that you would think that I was a lost case.
I know I sound like a loser but I want you to know that I have cherished our time together as much as you have. When I donated money at your foundation I hoped you would be happy. When I asked Steven how his meetings with you had been I hoped he would give me some information about you, how you looked or what your mood had been. But it was never enough; I was always disillusioned when I had talked to him because I wanted to hear more about you. See you. Smell you".
I rocked slowly in my chair and grabbed his hand. "Maybe we think too much Ed", I said. "I have been exactly like you, thinking back and forth, asking myself if I had anything to offer you. Could I ever satisfy you after the life you lived? Could I let you in in my life? I like structure and perfection, predictability but since our night it isn't making me happy anymore. I have missed you".
Luke threw a few more wood blocks in the fire and I saw the flames radiate on his skin. He looked at me and I got warm from the heat in his eyes.
"Why are we not giving in Reid?", he asked. "Why is it hard for us to admit that we are better together? I am willing to try baby, I want you because you bring me to life, because I feel excited when I see you, with your analytical mind you reduce so many problems I see".
For the first time in my hectic life I felt at ease, sitting in the dark with the man who was on my mind all day. I never thought that it would happen to me but it did, I had fallen for someone. Who, and that was the most amazing part, accepted me for who I was. Who saw through my rudeness. Who obviously didn't have a problem with my autistic side, but saw the benefit of it.
It felt as if I was dreaming but I realized how important this moment was in our lives. As bad as I was with remembering birthdays or holidays, this day would be graved in my memory as the day that Luke and I promised each other something. What it was had to be determined in the future but our intentions were clear.
I warned myself that I should never have expectations towards him, I didn't want to pressure him in any way giving him the feeling that he failed. I was happy with everything he could give me now we had set some ground rules. Everything would be better from now on because I knew he wanted to be with me.
I squeezed his hand softly and stared into the distance. "I love you", I said softly.
Next chapter