Still not enough, chapter 14
Series: Still not enough
Chapter: 14
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Luke is a retired gigolo who can't forget his last client(Luke's POV).
Sequel of the Yule challenge 2015 entry: Not enough
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Thanks to zzzfreckles (Pamela) for the beta and encouragement!!!
Previous chapter
The three words he had said nonchalantly resonated in my head. They had been said to me so many times by so many men but this was the first time I knew they were heart-felt. He meant it. He loved me.
I tried to analyze my mood because his words and feelings didn't scare me and that was a first. I always thought that if someone would say them again I would freak out but Reid.....
Reid didn't do what was expected or what was appropriate, he only said what was on his mind and this was huge. This was the thing that I had been hoping for since New Year’s Eve, deep down. I didn't even realize that I wanted to hear this but I had. And now, being here with him, sitting on my porch was the right moment to hear them, I was ready to accept them to be true. He loved me.
I wanted to say them back in a kind of echo but I couldn't, not because I didn't love him but because I would say them when I was ready. I had to do some serious soul-searching before my words meant something. If I said them to him I had to be sober and steady.
He had to be sure of me and right now he didn't know what he was saying. I was a mess and I didn't want to pin him down. If he got to know the real me he had to have an escape.
He said he liked me bossy and in charge but since I knew him I didn't feel very bossy. Since I was not a gigolo anymore I was more and more doubting. At first I still had my CEO mask to hide behind but that didn't make me happy anymore. It never had actually, since I knew Reid I was constantly wondering what I was and why I did the things I did. Nothing I did made me really happy. Maybe that was why I did the things I did, because I thought that I wasn't worth it.
Slowly but steady the ground under my feet had disappeared. I walked around in my office looking at the people who were working for me as if I saw them for the first time. What were they doing? Why was everyone in a hurry? What was so important that we were only mailing each other instead of having a real conversation? Why did i have status being the boss? Why was I the boss anyway? Did I have the right qualifications to make decisions? Did it matter if I was around?
It was freaking scary to let go of expectations people had, of the ones I had about myself. More and more I withdrew myself from the office I felt no connection with. I got emails and phone calls from Malta but I didn't open them, didn't accept the calls, I let my secretary say that I was on a business trip. It was a miracle that the whole thing just continued without me. I had started this week to write a recommendation letter to my bio-dad about my ideas for a suitable candidate to take things over.
No longer...............
No longer did I need to prove myself, or did I want to do things on automatic pilot. Do things because my so called dad forced me into them. No longer was I going to fight against my family in whose eyes I could do no good. No longer was I going to fight my feelings for Reid.
The feeling of being born again came up like it had a while ago but slowly it didn't feel like a struggle anymore. I had been fighting for so long that I couldn't do it anymore; I just let my tension go and relaxed for the first time in years.
Reid's hand in mine, our silent togetherness, the feeling that I was what he needed, it didn't scare me. The fact that I had invited him in my home was a sign for me that he was the one. Now I had to let him in in my life as well, I had to tell him about my family, how we did function, or better, not function. How manipulation was the order of the day.
My grandmother had called him. Obviously she thought that he was good for me too otherwise she wouldn't have interfered. Thinking about her I got warm inside. She was the only one in the world who knew me, who didn't take crappy answers from me and who had my best interest at heart. She pushed the issue because she knew that Reid was right for me, like she was. They had so many similarities. She didn't judge and was there for me when I needed her.
I needed him, the man whose hand I held. I was finally ready to admit that and it was scary but necessary if we would be together. Our meeting with Casey had been fun and when they talked I felt a warm friendship between them based on mutual respect.
I wanted that too, a friendship between Reid and me, a togetherness in which I could talk about things I had bottled up for so long. He seemed ready to hear it, he asked me questions about my life and my family over and over but I always held the cork on the bottle, afraid to lose him if he knew. About the things I had been through and the lousy way I had dealt with them.
"I started to take money from guys who wanted me when I was 23", I said softly. Maybe this was not the right moment but I had to show him that I didn't want to have secrets from him; it was just hard to talk about it.
He didn't look at me but he squeezed my hand lightly as to encourage me to talk more. "Bet you were a young hot shot then huh", he said.
I smirked. He always tried to lighten the mood when I opened my heart.
"Guys complimented me on my nice ass so I decided I could make money with it", I said. "I was a push-over until then and honestly I saw it as a way to grab the initiative. To take matters into my own hands. I saw it as a great way to ......I don't know, set the rules. It was flattering Reid, and I made a lot of money but that was never my goal".
"What was then?", he asked. "Did you want to piss off your family?".
He was direct and right most of the time. "Maybe", I said. "I never gave it too much thought then, I wanted to be independent and in charge so having my own business I could do what I wanted, away from the intrigues and fights. I wanted to have fun without commitments, because I didn't see any advantages in them. Loose contacts according to my rules, what more can a young man want?".
"What did your parents say when they found out?", he asked.
My parents, a huge pain-point in my life. "They didn't understand it; my mother said that I did it to hurt her, ruin the image of the family. That I was a rebel, an enfant terrible. A bad influence on my siblings. She prayed for me in church and asked me where she failed in her upbringing".
"She made it about her?", Reid asked surprised.
"She always does Reid, and maybe she was right, maybe I did it because I was a sort of rebel but not because I wanted to hurt her. I had been trying to please everyone around me, trying to hold our family together but at that point I couldn't do it anymore, I saw it as her job to raise their kids and give them a safe home.
It was a necessary step to cut my family out of my life, it was a poisoning environment in which I grew up and I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't listen to me, she always had her own agenda and I was ready to conquer the world. I had to make a clean cut and I did, I bought my own house and my new Audi and tried to take care of myself as well as I knew how. Living in a big city as Chicago I was anonymous, not a Snyder. When my sisters were big enough I bought them a house in the city too and payed for their education because my mother didn't approve their choices, they had to go to Harvard but they didn't want that".
"I went to Harvard", Reid said.
"But was that your own choice?", I asked.
For the first time Reid looked at me and he smiled. "I had dreamed about it since I was 9", he said. "When my parents died my uncle Angus took me with him and started to save money for me. He even took a second job for me, one he hated but he wanted me to be happy".
"Wow, an orphan", I said and heard how it sounded, it was so not what I wanted to say but Reid didn't need me to sugarcoat things. He wanted the real me, dumb remarks and all.
"Yes wow, I don't remember being very sad because I hardly knew my parents, they were always working. I grew up with my uncle and Aunt Gretchen and they were nice to me, they loved me seeing the child they never got in me. I was sadder when my aunt died to be honest. Although she knitted me the worst itching sweaters with reindeers and stuff I knew she loved me.
"I can picture you as a kid Reid", I said softly. "I can see a nerdy boy with a wrong sweater who was laughed at by other kids. But I guess you didn't care".
"I have never been interested in other's opinions until I met Casey", he said and looked at me. Casey has taught me the human basic interaction forms, I am grateful to call him my friend. He is blunt and not complicated; well I guess I am not telling you something new because you know him".
"I don't want to ruin the moment but I am cold and tired, do you want to come to bed with me or do you want me to bring you home?", I asked.
"It's my free weekend so I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow", Reid said and yawned.
"So that's a yes for staying here?", I asked.
"I would love to", he said.
Next chapter
Chapter: 14
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Luke is a retired gigolo who can't forget his last client(Luke's POV).
Sequel of the Yule challenge 2015 entry: Not enough
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Thanks to zzzfreckles (Pamela) for the beta and encouragement!!!
Previous chapter
The three words he had said nonchalantly resonated in my head. They had been said to me so many times by so many men but this was the first time I knew they were heart-felt. He meant it. He loved me.
I tried to analyze my mood because his words and feelings didn't scare me and that was a first. I always thought that if someone would say them again I would freak out but Reid.....
Reid didn't do what was expected or what was appropriate, he only said what was on his mind and this was huge. This was the thing that I had been hoping for since New Year’s Eve, deep down. I didn't even realize that I wanted to hear this but I had. And now, being here with him, sitting on my porch was the right moment to hear them, I was ready to accept them to be true. He loved me.
I wanted to say them back in a kind of echo but I couldn't, not because I didn't love him but because I would say them when I was ready. I had to do some serious soul-searching before my words meant something. If I said them to him I had to be sober and steady.
He had to be sure of me and right now he didn't know what he was saying. I was a mess and I didn't want to pin him down. If he got to know the real me he had to have an escape.
He said he liked me bossy and in charge but since I knew him I didn't feel very bossy. Since I was not a gigolo anymore I was more and more doubting. At first I still had my CEO mask to hide behind but that didn't make me happy anymore. It never had actually, since I knew Reid I was constantly wondering what I was and why I did the things I did. Nothing I did made me really happy. Maybe that was why I did the things I did, because I thought that I wasn't worth it.
Slowly but steady the ground under my feet had disappeared. I walked around in my office looking at the people who were working for me as if I saw them for the first time. What were they doing? Why was everyone in a hurry? What was so important that we were only mailing each other instead of having a real conversation? Why did i have status being the boss? Why was I the boss anyway? Did I have the right qualifications to make decisions? Did it matter if I was around?
It was freaking scary to let go of expectations people had, of the ones I had about myself. More and more I withdrew myself from the office I felt no connection with. I got emails and phone calls from Malta but I didn't open them, didn't accept the calls, I let my secretary say that I was on a business trip. It was a miracle that the whole thing just continued without me. I had started this week to write a recommendation letter to my bio-dad about my ideas for a suitable candidate to take things over.
No longer...............
No longer did I need to prove myself, or did I want to do things on automatic pilot. Do things because my so called dad forced me into them. No longer was I going to fight against my family in whose eyes I could do no good. No longer was I going to fight my feelings for Reid.
The feeling of being born again came up like it had a while ago but slowly it didn't feel like a struggle anymore. I had been fighting for so long that I couldn't do it anymore; I just let my tension go and relaxed for the first time in years.
Reid's hand in mine, our silent togetherness, the feeling that I was what he needed, it didn't scare me. The fact that I had invited him in my home was a sign for me that he was the one. Now I had to let him in in my life as well, I had to tell him about my family, how we did function, or better, not function. How manipulation was the order of the day.
My grandmother had called him. Obviously she thought that he was good for me too otherwise she wouldn't have interfered. Thinking about her I got warm inside. She was the only one in the world who knew me, who didn't take crappy answers from me and who had my best interest at heart. She pushed the issue because she knew that Reid was right for me, like she was. They had so many similarities. She didn't judge and was there for me when I needed her.
I needed him, the man whose hand I held. I was finally ready to admit that and it was scary but necessary if we would be together. Our meeting with Casey had been fun and when they talked I felt a warm friendship between them based on mutual respect.
I wanted that too, a friendship between Reid and me, a togetherness in which I could talk about things I had bottled up for so long. He seemed ready to hear it, he asked me questions about my life and my family over and over but I always held the cork on the bottle, afraid to lose him if he knew. About the things I had been through and the lousy way I had dealt with them.
"I started to take money from guys who wanted me when I was 23", I said softly. Maybe this was not the right moment but I had to show him that I didn't want to have secrets from him; it was just hard to talk about it.
He didn't look at me but he squeezed my hand lightly as to encourage me to talk more. "Bet you were a young hot shot then huh", he said.
I smirked. He always tried to lighten the mood when I opened my heart.
"Guys complimented me on my nice ass so I decided I could make money with it", I said. "I was a push-over until then and honestly I saw it as a way to grab the initiative. To take matters into my own hands. I saw it as a great way to ......I don't know, set the rules. It was flattering Reid, and I made a lot of money but that was never my goal".
"What was then?", he asked. "Did you want to piss off your family?".
He was direct and right most of the time. "Maybe", I said. "I never gave it too much thought then, I wanted to be independent and in charge so having my own business I could do what I wanted, away from the intrigues and fights. I wanted to have fun without commitments, because I didn't see any advantages in them. Loose contacts according to my rules, what more can a young man want?".
"What did your parents say when they found out?", he asked.
My parents, a huge pain-point in my life. "They didn't understand it; my mother said that I did it to hurt her, ruin the image of the family. That I was a rebel, an enfant terrible. A bad influence on my siblings. She prayed for me in church and asked me where she failed in her upbringing".
"She made it about her?", Reid asked surprised.
"She always does Reid, and maybe she was right, maybe I did it because I was a sort of rebel but not because I wanted to hurt her. I had been trying to please everyone around me, trying to hold our family together but at that point I couldn't do it anymore, I saw it as her job to raise their kids and give them a safe home.
It was a necessary step to cut my family out of my life, it was a poisoning environment in which I grew up and I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't listen to me, she always had her own agenda and I was ready to conquer the world. I had to make a clean cut and I did, I bought my own house and my new Audi and tried to take care of myself as well as I knew how. Living in a big city as Chicago I was anonymous, not a Snyder. When my sisters were big enough I bought them a house in the city too and payed for their education because my mother didn't approve their choices, they had to go to Harvard but they didn't want that".
"I went to Harvard", Reid said.
"But was that your own choice?", I asked.
For the first time Reid looked at me and he smiled. "I had dreamed about it since I was 9", he said. "When my parents died my uncle Angus took me with him and started to save money for me. He even took a second job for me, one he hated but he wanted me to be happy".
"Wow, an orphan", I said and heard how it sounded, it was so not what I wanted to say but Reid didn't need me to sugarcoat things. He wanted the real me, dumb remarks and all.
"Yes wow, I don't remember being very sad because I hardly knew my parents, they were always working. I grew up with my uncle and Aunt Gretchen and they were nice to me, they loved me seeing the child they never got in me. I was sadder when my aunt died to be honest. Although she knitted me the worst itching sweaters with reindeers and stuff I knew she loved me.
"I can picture you as a kid Reid", I said softly. "I can see a nerdy boy with a wrong sweater who was laughed at by other kids. But I guess you didn't care".
"I have never been interested in other's opinions until I met Casey", he said and looked at me. Casey has taught me the human basic interaction forms, I am grateful to call him my friend. He is blunt and not complicated; well I guess I am not telling you something new because you know him".
"I don't want to ruin the moment but I am cold and tired, do you want to come to bed with me or do you want me to bring you home?", I asked.
"It's my free weekend so I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow", Reid said and yawned.
"So that's a yes for staying here?", I asked.
"I would love to", he said.
Next chapter