Still not enough, chapter 9
Series: Still not enough
Chapter: 9
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Luke is a retired gigolo who can't forget his last client(Luke's POV).
Sequel of the Yule challenge 2015 entry: Not enough
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Thanks to zzzfreckles (Pamela) for the beta and encouragement!!!
PREVIOUS CHAPTER
When I got his message on my phone all I could do was inhale deeply. This was it, the moment I had been afraid of but also had been looking forward to. In a way it was as if I was struggling through the birth canal again but this time it was a deliberate journey, I felt every contraction in my flesh and every time I wanted something different. I wanted to be me for the first time in my life, I had a choice. He gave me one.
He respected my wishes so much that it hurt. If only he was more sure.......no that was not the case, he was sure and that made the whole thing so exciting. If he had pushed me it would have been easy, then I wouldn't have to give in, all I would have said was no. But the fact that he was ready to give up his own happiness for me was something so freaking fantastic that I didn't know how to handle it. I got tested on STD's because if he would persist I wanted him to be safe. I couldn't risk his health as I had done mine.
It was hard for me to think of someone else than myself. It had always been me who set the rules and I didn't give a damn if someone was okay with it. They wanted me so they had to take me as I was.
Or not? I always thought that that had been the case but this damn neuro surgeon made me doubt everything. And looking back I think I had been wrong all my life, I had given in on wishes of others who wanted something from me. They had payed me so I felt like I had to be who they wanted me to be. I wasn't easy but...
Yes I had been easy, why did I think otherwise? I had been making easy money using my looks. I had earned so much money laying in beds and letting people touch me, money I didn't need. It was flattering that I was so successful but it made that my body wasn't mine anymore. I thought about sex as doing a trick. And it worked, all the time.
Why was it different with him? Why did I kiss him in my office? It was a reflex and in a way it was so liberating to know that I still had that in me. He didn't ask for tricks. He was okay if I would disappear out of his life.
No, that wasn't the case either, I knew how much I hurt him by not giving in but he didn't ask to give in.
Aaah, I was driving myself crazy with all the thoughts that were invading my mind. Every principal I had was pulverized by him. Thinking of him was all I did since the night we had shared. And I could tell myself all kinds of nonsense but it was true: all the time I had invested in his project was time I was busy helping him reaching his goals. I wanted him to be happy, so much that I was planning sex weekends for him in a big city. But he didn't ask that of me and slowly I saw that what he needed was the same simple thing I needed.
Why had I been fighting this? I felt my body respond when we were close, it wasn't a trick. My body tried to tell me something I wasn't ready to hear. But now he had contacted me asking me out it was as if a dam broke down and let my emotions flow.
It was weird to see him kinda drunk in the bar with one of my pupils from the basketball team I had been coaching but my need to be with him was stronger than being found out by his friend. I craved to hear his voice and feel his hands on me. When we went outside I only wanted one thing: him. Horny didn't even begin to describe the overwhelming feeling.
But again he didn't want easy so we drove to his house and showered. I was glad that hygiene was as important for him as it was for me and it gave me some time to regroup. Not too long though because he started to wash me with his creamy shower gel while he kissed me. I let his hands discover me again and kissed him back hungrily, trying to fight back the urge of my brain to analyze this.
This wonderful moment I thought I would never experience again, a moment in which it felt like you were floating on a cloud and all you could do was feel. It was scary to be in someone else’s hands but I knew I could trust him with he wouldn't do a thing to hurt me. His hands and lips did exactly what I needed and I closed my eyes while I gave in to his perfect ministrations.
It was kinda nerve-wracking to stay in his bed all night. With clients I had never stayed because when the spell was broken and the lust was gone guys turned into the people they really were and I didn't want to know who they were. I wanted their lust and money but not their shit. And it made that I didn't sleep all night, like I had been up all night at New Year’s Eve when Reid was snoring next to me. His beeper had saved me then but now he was free, someone covered for him so they didn't need him.
What was going to happen when he woke up? What did I want? I could have gone home after the sex but I was so tired all of a sudden, and Reid fell asleep next to me in a second. I didn't want to leave him like a thief in the night; I wanted him to know that he meant something to me so I rolled on my side letting our asses touch.
What the freaking....what was happening to me? What was so special about this guy that he changed me? Made me doubt everything but made me feel good about it? When he sent me the message yesterday evening it felt like I had been waiting for that moment for months. I wanted to be with him but it had to come from him. I wasn't going to force myself on him although I missed him.
Slowly we grew closer and to me it all seemed like it was useless to fight this. I had been able to give him what he needed, the closeness and intimacy he wanted. Why did I doubt that?
Of course I knew why, and he knew it too. But he didn't care and showed his interest in a drunken state. Maybe that was the only time he got the balls to do what he really needed. And I was so grateful although I had no idea how to do this.
I didn't want to wake the guy next to me by getting my I-pad out of my bag so I lay there waiting for the day to begin, thinking of too many scenario's. We obviously had a huge physical click, the doctor and I, but would we be able to have a normal conversation? We only had sex and had worked together, but that were scenario's I could handle, I knew how to talk and to behave. But here?
Maybe he would have a headache. Maybe he had a terrible breath. Maybe he wanted me again; he had told me that he didn't have much sex in the last past years so maybe he was overflowing. I told him I couldn't give him the thing he needed in that perspective but I gave in the first time he kind of asked me out. I was a lost case. If only I would survive this morning then maybe ...maybe ....we could.....
NEXT CHAPTER
Chapter: 9
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Luke is a retired gigolo who can't forget his last client(Luke's POV).
Sequel of the Yule challenge 2015 entry: Not enough
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Thanks to zzzfreckles (Pamela) for the beta and encouragement!!!
PREVIOUS CHAPTER
When I got his message on my phone all I could do was inhale deeply. This was it, the moment I had been afraid of but also had been looking forward to. In a way it was as if I was struggling through the birth canal again but this time it was a deliberate journey, I felt every contraction in my flesh and every time I wanted something different. I wanted to be me for the first time in my life, I had a choice. He gave me one.
He respected my wishes so much that it hurt. If only he was more sure.......no that was not the case, he was sure and that made the whole thing so exciting. If he had pushed me it would have been easy, then I wouldn't have to give in, all I would have said was no. But the fact that he was ready to give up his own happiness for me was something so freaking fantastic that I didn't know how to handle it. I got tested on STD's because if he would persist I wanted him to be safe. I couldn't risk his health as I had done mine.
It was hard for me to think of someone else than myself. It had always been me who set the rules and I didn't give a damn if someone was okay with it. They wanted me so they had to take me as I was.
Or not? I always thought that that had been the case but this damn neuro surgeon made me doubt everything. And looking back I think I had been wrong all my life, I had given in on wishes of others who wanted something from me. They had payed me so I felt like I had to be who they wanted me to be. I wasn't easy but...
Yes I had been easy, why did I think otherwise? I had been making easy money using my looks. I had earned so much money laying in beds and letting people touch me, money I didn't need. It was flattering that I was so successful but it made that my body wasn't mine anymore. I thought about sex as doing a trick. And it worked, all the time.
Why was it different with him? Why did I kiss him in my office? It was a reflex and in a way it was so liberating to know that I still had that in me. He didn't ask for tricks. He was okay if I would disappear out of his life.
No, that wasn't the case either, I knew how much I hurt him by not giving in but he didn't ask to give in.
Aaah, I was driving myself crazy with all the thoughts that were invading my mind. Every principal I had was pulverized by him. Thinking of him was all I did since the night we had shared. And I could tell myself all kinds of nonsense but it was true: all the time I had invested in his project was time I was busy helping him reaching his goals. I wanted him to be happy, so much that I was planning sex weekends for him in a big city. But he didn't ask that of me and slowly I saw that what he needed was the same simple thing I needed.
Why had I been fighting this? I felt my body respond when we were close, it wasn't a trick. My body tried to tell me something I wasn't ready to hear. But now he had contacted me asking me out it was as if a dam broke down and let my emotions flow.
It was weird to see him kinda drunk in the bar with one of my pupils from the basketball team I had been coaching but my need to be with him was stronger than being found out by his friend. I craved to hear his voice and feel his hands on me. When we went outside I only wanted one thing: him. Horny didn't even begin to describe the overwhelming feeling.
But again he didn't want easy so we drove to his house and showered. I was glad that hygiene was as important for him as it was for me and it gave me some time to regroup. Not too long though because he started to wash me with his creamy shower gel while he kissed me. I let his hands discover me again and kissed him back hungrily, trying to fight back the urge of my brain to analyze this.
This wonderful moment I thought I would never experience again, a moment in which it felt like you were floating on a cloud and all you could do was feel. It was scary to be in someone else’s hands but I knew I could trust him with he wouldn't do a thing to hurt me. His hands and lips did exactly what I needed and I closed my eyes while I gave in to his perfect ministrations.
It was kinda nerve-wracking to stay in his bed all night. With clients I had never stayed because when the spell was broken and the lust was gone guys turned into the people they really were and I didn't want to know who they were. I wanted their lust and money but not their shit. And it made that I didn't sleep all night, like I had been up all night at New Year’s Eve when Reid was snoring next to me. His beeper had saved me then but now he was free, someone covered for him so they didn't need him.
What was going to happen when he woke up? What did I want? I could have gone home after the sex but I was so tired all of a sudden, and Reid fell asleep next to me in a second. I didn't want to leave him like a thief in the night; I wanted him to know that he meant something to me so I rolled on my side letting our asses touch.
What the freaking....what was happening to me? What was so special about this guy that he changed me? Made me doubt everything but made me feel good about it? When he sent me the message yesterday evening it felt like I had been waiting for that moment for months. I wanted to be with him but it had to come from him. I wasn't going to force myself on him although I missed him.
Slowly we grew closer and to me it all seemed like it was useless to fight this. I had been able to give him what he needed, the closeness and intimacy he wanted. Why did I doubt that?
Of course I knew why, and he knew it too. But he didn't care and showed his interest in a drunken state. Maybe that was the only time he got the balls to do what he really needed. And I was so grateful although I had no idea how to do this.
I didn't want to wake the guy next to me by getting my I-pad out of my bag so I lay there waiting for the day to begin, thinking of too many scenario's. We obviously had a huge physical click, the doctor and I, but would we be able to have a normal conversation? We only had sex and had worked together, but that were scenario's I could handle, I knew how to talk and to behave. But here?
Maybe he would have a headache. Maybe he had a terrible breath. Maybe he wanted me again; he had told me that he didn't have much sex in the last past years so maybe he was overflowing. I told him I couldn't give him the thing he needed in that perspective but I gave in the first time he kind of asked me out. I was a lost case. If only I would survive this morning then maybe ...maybe ....we could.....
NEXT CHAPTER