Can't buy me love
Title: Can’t buy me love
Series: Lobe hurts
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg
Summary: Luke is depressed (Luke’s POV, he’s typing in his online diary)
Prompt: Fun Fic Friday prompt of Can’t buy me love (1-10-2014).
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: I always wondered why Luke stayed so strong after everything Noah put him through. I think he had every reason to break down. Guess that happened last week, when I wrote this. Not a very happy story yet, but as some of you know I am the queen of HEA, so don’t worry. No idea how long this is going to take, I just try and join as much FFF’s as I can. Mostly AU. Not beta-ed.
********
1-10-2014
The storm kept me awake last night. The wind was bellowing and when I was almost asleep, a branch hit my window and broke it into a million pieces. I was startled to death and tried to ignore it, but the pole wind made me get up. I slept on my couch.
It’s almost a metaphor for my life, I realized later. Broken by one big hit. One man. He made that I have changed. From the open, naïve, optimistic guy into someone I hardly recognize. I go to OU and teach the kids about my favorite subject, architecture, but I leave the building as soon as possible. No Friday afternoon drinks for me, or team building evenings. I am too afraid that I start talking about myself and won’t be able to stop. It’s nobody’s business but my own.
I have to call Richard, my grandmother’s handyman, to fix the window, but in my lethargic state of mind, I just sit on my couch and do nothing. I have to make dinner. I have to go over the papers my students made, they are complaining already that I am so late.
But I can’t. Time slips through my fingers as sand on a warm beach. An intern pole wind freezes my limp bones. It has to stop, but I don’t have the power to change. At the same time, a storm is going on in my head. It makes that I can’t stop thinking. I think about all the things he has said to me, and the things he did. Or not. What irritates the hell out of me is that I let him. I didn’t defend myself, nor did I tell him what I wanted.
Writing about it helps a little. It helps me to order my thoughts. Someday I will see the light, and get a clue. I am sure of that. I was always the king of coping, I survived all the marriage crises of my parents, trying to take care of the rest of the kids in the meantime. I was a multi-tasking champion. My study, my foundation, I loved everything I did. I had friends. And a boyfriend. But it was never too much.
And now….now I came home after work and ate a sandwich with cheese, I didn’t even bother to put some butter on it. My cupboards are empty. My friends have understood the message in the end, they know not to bother me for a while. After weeks of treating them rudely and not answering their phone messages, they all told me that they would give me the time I seemed to need.
Although I was happy that they got the message, I feel alone. And cold. I have trouble understanding myself. Why am I torturing myself like this? It makes no sense. It isn’t self pity. I just need time to understand what is going on in my head. I need to get a grip on my life, before …..
Before he destroys everything I had. He was infiltrated in my family and friends group. I know I had introduced him myself, eager to show them all what a wonderful guy I had met. They all liked him, or at least told me they were happy for me. Slowly he took over my life, and my energy. He drained me. But I don’t give up, never, so I had been ignoring all the signs that things were wrong between us. That Noah was not the right guy for me. That I should have…..he was…
Fuck, it’s worse than I thought. I can’t even complete sentences anymore, they get stuck in my brain, as if the wind is blowing the words away. If I wasn’t this numb, I would panic, because of the lack of control that I feel. Maybe my brain plays tricks on me. Or protects me against something. Maybe it stops working until….
Maybe I should click on the ad that keeps popping up on my computer. Maybe sex is the answer. Since I visit Bigdicks.com once in a while, pictures of gorgeous guys appear on my screen unannounced. I have the money to buy a guy for a night. For a lifetime if I want to. Maybe that’s what I need, someone who listens to what I have to say, only because I pay him. Can’t buy his love, but I don’t want his love. Just his devotion. Maybe when I am the one who has to make the decisions, I can find myself back.
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh. Fuck, maybe I need to go to bed, this makes no sense at all, but I promised myself to write in this diary without censoring myself. If only I could find a way to feel normal again. To feel in the first place. If only I could get an erection again, looking at men. It’s a good thing that I am so numb inside, or I would panic. It’s late already, so I am going to lay on my couch. Because I know I have to, not because I feel tired. I am going to take one of my grandmother’s sleeping pills and let myself sink into a dreamless sleep. If only…
No, I am not suicidal, I don’t want to lay down and never wake up again. Maybe a hibernation would be the solution. I feel like a hedgehog already, sticking the people around me with my sharp needles. Maybe if I could lay down and forget the world for a few months…..then I would wake up and stretch and understand the world again, or myself. I would stand up and shower and be ready to perform. That day is going to come. I know it is. And that’s what’s keeping me sane.
next chapter
Series: Lobe hurts
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg
Summary: Luke is depressed (Luke’s POV, he’s typing in his online diary)
Prompt: Fun Fic Friday prompt of Can’t buy me love (1-10-2014).
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: I always wondered why Luke stayed so strong after everything Noah put him through. I think he had every reason to break down. Guess that happened last week, when I wrote this. Not a very happy story yet, but as some of you know I am the queen of HEA, so don’t worry. No idea how long this is going to take, I just try and join as much FFF’s as I can. Mostly AU. Not beta-ed.
********
1-10-2014
The storm kept me awake last night. The wind was bellowing and when I was almost asleep, a branch hit my window and broke it into a million pieces. I was startled to death and tried to ignore it, but the pole wind made me get up. I slept on my couch.
It’s almost a metaphor for my life, I realized later. Broken by one big hit. One man. He made that I have changed. From the open, naïve, optimistic guy into someone I hardly recognize. I go to OU and teach the kids about my favorite subject, architecture, but I leave the building as soon as possible. No Friday afternoon drinks for me, or team building evenings. I am too afraid that I start talking about myself and won’t be able to stop. It’s nobody’s business but my own.
I have to call Richard, my grandmother’s handyman, to fix the window, but in my lethargic state of mind, I just sit on my couch and do nothing. I have to make dinner. I have to go over the papers my students made, they are complaining already that I am so late.
But I can’t. Time slips through my fingers as sand on a warm beach. An intern pole wind freezes my limp bones. It has to stop, but I don’t have the power to change. At the same time, a storm is going on in my head. It makes that I can’t stop thinking. I think about all the things he has said to me, and the things he did. Or not. What irritates the hell out of me is that I let him. I didn’t defend myself, nor did I tell him what I wanted.
Writing about it helps a little. It helps me to order my thoughts. Someday I will see the light, and get a clue. I am sure of that. I was always the king of coping, I survived all the marriage crises of my parents, trying to take care of the rest of the kids in the meantime. I was a multi-tasking champion. My study, my foundation, I loved everything I did. I had friends. And a boyfriend. But it was never too much.
And now….now I came home after work and ate a sandwich with cheese, I didn’t even bother to put some butter on it. My cupboards are empty. My friends have understood the message in the end, they know not to bother me for a while. After weeks of treating them rudely and not answering their phone messages, they all told me that they would give me the time I seemed to need.
Although I was happy that they got the message, I feel alone. And cold. I have trouble understanding myself. Why am I torturing myself like this? It makes no sense. It isn’t self pity. I just need time to understand what is going on in my head. I need to get a grip on my life, before …..
Before he destroys everything I had. He was infiltrated in my family and friends group. I know I had introduced him myself, eager to show them all what a wonderful guy I had met. They all liked him, or at least told me they were happy for me. Slowly he took over my life, and my energy. He drained me. But I don’t give up, never, so I had been ignoring all the signs that things were wrong between us. That Noah was not the right guy for me. That I should have…..he was…
Fuck, it’s worse than I thought. I can’t even complete sentences anymore, they get stuck in my brain, as if the wind is blowing the words away. If I wasn’t this numb, I would panic, because of the lack of control that I feel. Maybe my brain plays tricks on me. Or protects me against something. Maybe it stops working until….
Maybe I should click on the ad that keeps popping up on my computer. Maybe sex is the answer. Since I visit Bigdicks.com once in a while, pictures of gorgeous guys appear on my screen unannounced. I have the money to buy a guy for a night. For a lifetime if I want to. Maybe that’s what I need, someone who listens to what I have to say, only because I pay him. Can’t buy his love, but I don’t want his love. Just his devotion. Maybe when I am the one who has to make the decisions, I can find myself back.
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh. Fuck, maybe I need to go to bed, this makes no sense at all, but I promised myself to write in this diary without censoring myself. If only I could find a way to feel normal again. To feel in the first place. If only I could get an erection again, looking at men. It’s a good thing that I am so numb inside, or I would panic. It’s late already, so I am going to lay on my couch. Because I know I have to, not because I feel tired. I am going to take one of my grandmother’s sleeping pills and let myself sink into a dreamless sleep. If only…
No, I am not suicidal, I don’t want to lay down and never wake up again. Maybe a hibernation would be the solution. I feel like a hedgehog already, sticking the people around me with my sharp needles. Maybe if I could lay down and forget the world for a few months…..then I would wake up and stretch and understand the world again, or myself. I would stand up and shower and be ready to perform. That day is going to come. I know it is. And that’s what’s keeping me sane.
next chapter