Which to bury, us or the hatchet (6/13)
Hey so here is part six, I hope you enjoy it and thanks to the wonderful masja_17 for beta-ing for me again! Funny story about writing this actually, I wrote most of the last bit on my phone on the bus and I'm sure the guy sat next to me was reading as I wrote, awkward :P Any way thanks for sticking with this and for taking the time to read and for all the lovely comments you all keep leaving me!
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
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Jared wakes, a sweaty tangle of limbs and bed sheets, turning to look at the clock he groans. It's been a recurring theme over the past few days, tossing and turning most of the night, sleeping, only to fall into dreams of Jensen. He's pretty messed up right now, has been since Jensen's mouth had decided to assault his own, since Jensen had stopped just dropping round, since Jensen had pretty much blanked him all week. What's up with that? It's not like he kissed the guy!
He's pissed and confused and just pretty damn angry, but surprised? No, he shouldn't be surprised, after all Jensen has a damn good track record of pretending things that did happen didn't. If Jared let's himself think about it though, if he pushes past the anger and confusion, there's maybe a little hurt just there under the surface too.
With anger or confusion he'd just let it go, it'd pass in a few days, after he got it out of his system but hurt, hurt is a different matter. He needs to address it, needs to talk about it and let it out, he just doesn't know who to talk to. He hasn't called Sandy, despite the fact that he's started calling her at least four times, only to hang up at the first ring. She's usually his go to gal, but he's not sure he's ready to talk this out with her, he knows she'll be sympathetic and she'll listen and he needs that but he also knows then she'll have one of her amazing insights that will just screw him over again, and he's not sure his mind can deal with that as well right now.
He can't really talk about it to any of the guys either, though he knows Chris and Mike have sensed that there's something up between the two of them, he can't tell them what that is, because Jared isn't really sure who knows about Jensen and he's pretty sure he doesn't want to be the one to out him to his friends and damn, this is beyond complicated.
After a rather brutal training session, where he's been on the receiving end of Jensen's surprisingly effective cold shoulder, Jared decides it's time to bite the bullet and tries out a hypothetical situation with Mike.
"So, if someone you liked and had a thing with a while ago just kissed you and then ignored you and acted like it didn't happen, erm, what would you do?" Jared asks words stumbling over each other in his rush to get it all out.
"Joe?" Mike asks, then shakes his head. "Wait, I thought you only met the other night?"
So much for hypothetical Jared thinks.
"It's not Joe. You... You don't know him, he's just a guy from college." Jared rambles on, okay this is weird, this is uncomfortable and weird to be talking to Mike about kissing Jensen without Mike knowing it's Jensen. This was a stupid idea. He should leave. Why isn't he leaving?
"Okay, so let me see if I got this straight. You had a thing with this guy from college, and you like this guy?" Jared nods at Mike's question. "And he kissed you, but now he's ignoring you and pretending it didn't happen?" Mike raises an eyebrow and Jared's not sure if he's put two and two together and gotten Jensen and wouldn't that be just his luck. Jensen would pretty much hate him then. He feels like a twelve year old girl, he hasn't had a conversation like this since, well, ever, but when he thinks of twelve year old girls talking about their crushes, he thinks this might be what it sounds like.
"Yeah, he kind of pretended we never had a thing back in college too." Jared feels stupid, because he sounds lame, right, and Mike is going to probably, no definitely, just laugh at him.
"Well the guy sounds like a dick." Mike states, no laughter, just a slight smile and Jared finds himself laughing nervously at that, but can't really believe it. He'd thought that too, when he'd met Jensen again earlier this year, he'd thought that maybe Jensen was just an ass, but then he'd gotten to know Jensen and Jared just can't believe that anymore. "And I'd say he isn't worth your time, but then maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. You should probably just talk to him."
Jared looks at Mike sheepishly, he's not sure what he was expecting from Mike, but actual advice wasn't it, advice that made sense was even further from it. "But he's ignoring me."
"JT, you're a 6' 4 overgrown puppy most of the time, put you in a room with just about anyone and they'd break." Mike teases before his voice softens and it isn't pity Jared sees there, it isn't! Or so he tells himself. "Just, just go talk to him, yeah?"
It's not a big revelation that they need to talk. Jared's known it all along, he just didn't really want to, because Jensen so obviously doesn't want to. But hugs Mike, tells him thanks and promises to talk to the guy, to Jensen, he's going to talk to him and sort this whole thing out and maybe, yeah maybe Jensen doesn't want him and he'll be fine with that. He will won't he?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He's staring and who can blame him, because Jensen is lying back on the bench, arms strained above him, weights pushing down on him and his muscles are taught, sweat running over skin and Jared has to shake his head to clear his mind, to tear his eyes from the view, because he didn't come here just to ogle, he came here to talk, to sort this out. He misses Jensen, he'd gotten used to him just dropping round, just hanging out on the porch or the sofa with beer and TV, with Jensen's laughter ringing out and now he hasn't got that and his house feels quiet and empty and if he would admit it he feels pretty damn lonely.
So maybe it was a mistake, that night. Maybe Jensen had been drunk and it'd just gotten out of hand and Jared can forgive him for that, if he'll talk to him, if Jensen would just please talk to him, because as nice as it would be, had been, to have that mouth, that body pressed up against his, he's not sure it's worth the friendship they'd been building.
"Your indecision is annoying me." Jensen says as Jared hovers in the doorway and it's the first words he's spoken to Jared in five days.
"Shouldn't someone be spotting you?" Jared asks and Jensen merely huffs out a breath, sets the weights down, sits up and aims shrewd eyes at Jared.
"Did you really come here to talk health and safety bullshit?" Jensen smirks, towelling the sweat from his arms and Jared's almost sorry to see it go. Jared shakes his head and Jensen nods before carrying on. "So spill it, what's up?"
Jared's pretty sure his jaw drops, pretty sure he stands open mouthed for a good few minutes before his mind reengages, because what is this? Jensen hasn't spoken to him in the past week, has pretty much avoided him and now, now he's just talking like they would any other time. Maybe I'm going crazy, Jared thinks, maybe I've finally cracked up.
"What's up? Really?" He chuckles humourlessly to himself, arms raised in defeat. "As if you're doing this again man, no, I can't do this. You can't do this. You can't sleep with someone, you can't kiss someone and then pretend it never damn happened!"
Jensen just shrugs his eyes avoiding Jared, and Jared wants to throttle him. "So we slept together and yeah I kissed you. It's no big deal."
Before Jared knew Jensen, before he got to see beneath that armour of his he wears, he might've taken that how it was meant, he might've taken that as a brush off as if Jensen didn't care, but Jared can't forget those nights on his porch when he'd gotten to see the real Jensen and maybe those words sting all the more for it, because he thinks he can brush Jared off like that and Jared will just take it.
"So you've decided to finally acknowledge that night happened then?" Jared asks, he's trying so hard not to fall apart here, to keep his cool.
"It's not like I was denying it." There's that shrug again as Jensen stands moves over to the bench at the side, pulling off his sweaty t-shirt and Jared tries to not think about the way it clings to Jensen's back, tries not the think about Jensen's bare skin and he's thankful when Jensen slips a clean shirt over his head because how can he be this angry and this horny?
"No, you were just pretending you didn't know me, pretending that I haven't had your cock in my mouth, in my ass." Jared's face turns red as he says the words, talking like that during sex still makes him a little uncomfortable, but here in the bright light of day, fully clothed, yeah he feels pretty awkward and he hastily carries on whilst he's still got the nerve to form words. "And what was that kiss all about?"
If Jensen shrugs one more time, Jared's pretty sure he's going to hit him, because his patience is close to non-existent at this point, would it kill the guy to show a little damn emotion. Maybe? "Something to think about."
And that's it, that's the final straw for Jared, his cool composure, or whatever he had left of it just snaps, because this isn't fair. He'd been so certain, so damn sure in that kiss that Jensen had wanted it too, but the guy standing in front of him is so cool and aloof and he can't put those two together.
He's stalking forward before he realises and Jensen has the sense to back away, it doesn't stop Jared though, just allows him to cage Jensen in. He doesn't use his height to his advantage off the ice usually, but he's boxing Jensen in before he even really realises he's doing it. Jensen looks up at him and Jared catches just a hint of fear in those eyes, like a deer being caught in the headlights, before he's leaning down. His mouth hovers close to Jensen's, so damn close he can feel Jensen's breath against his face. He wants to move in, wants to take, but he's giving Jensen the opportunity to stop this, to push him away and when he doesn't Jared can't help but crush himself against him.
His mouth moves hungrily over Jensen's, his tongue relentless and seeking. It's good, it's hot, it leaves Jared wanting so much more. He wants to drown in the taste, in the textures of Jensen and never leave. His hands are gripping Jensen's hips, pinning him effortlessly against him, he's rougher than he intends to be, knows he'll leave marks on Jensen's skin and that sends a wicked thrill through him.
Jensen raises his hands to Jared's chest, to push away or pull closer, Jared's not sure, but he doesn't give Jensen the opportunity to decide just keeps the assault on Jensen's mouth going and that's when he hears, when he realises what this is all about, a small moan escapes from Jensen's lips and Jensen melts against Jared any resistance ebbing away. That's all he really wanted, all he needed to prove, that Jensen wants this just as much as he does. Whether he was trying to prove it to himself or to Jensen or damn both of them, he's not really sure.
Regretfully Jared pushes his body back disentangles himself from Jensen and warily raises his head to look at him. Jensen's still got that look in his eyes, that deer headlights one only there's the intensity of desire behind it now and Jared, despite hearing what he wanted from Jensen, feels pretty damn shitty right now. He's not a take what I want kind of guy, he doesn't push things and he pushed this he knows that. It doesn't matter that Jensen kissed him first, it doesn't matter that Jensen acted like a dick about it all because he feels pretty much worse.
"What was that?" Jensen ask, voice quiet. It slices through Jared, because he did that, he caused that and he curses inwardly.
His voice is rough when he speaks, his words harsh despite whatever guilt he's feeling. "Something to think about." And Jared leaves Jensen the same way Jensen left him, and if he thought he felt shitty then, well he didn't really know the meaning. Fucking ruined it, he thinks and his hands shake with effort to just keep walking away.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
They're back to that mutual level of dislike. Jensen doesn't drop by and Jared doesn't confront him about it. They let on in training, when it's expected, they go out together when they're invited, but it's pretty much settled that their friendship is over, and that they're never going to talk about what happened.
It's just Jared's luck that Mike decides to follow up on their conversation when they're having lunch with Chris and Jensen.
"So , did you talk to that guy?" Mike asks, and Jensen's eyes snap to Jared's so quickly, Jared's wonders how he didn't give himself whiplash. Chris merely looks over his burger with slight intrigue and Jared's pretty sure there's mischief in his eyes.
"Joe?" Chris asks, and Jensen looks as if he wants to punch something.
"No." Mike explains. "This guy from college that Jared had a thing with and likes but the guy's being a complete idiot and ignoring him and then kissing him and then ignoring him."
Jared wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole, he's never wanted anything more, because Jensen is looking directly at him and he knows that Jensen knows that it's Jensen that Mike is talking about even if Mike doesn't know and damn this is too confusing and messed up. And fuck Mike for just airing his love life, or apparent lack thereof it, for them all to hear.
"Well that guy sounds like a jackass." Jared chokes on his drink at Chris' words and prays for someone to come save him from this.
"So did you?" Mike asks, and when Jared stares blankly back at him he adds. "Did you talk to him JT?"
Jared swallows the lump in his throat, because what is he supposed to say, Jensen is sat right there. Oh yeah, he thinks, I went to talk to him and ended up just man-handling him and kissing the fuck out of him, yeah, yeah, he can't say that out loud.
"Erm... yeah." He looks down at his plate, his fries becoming suddenly very interesting.
"And?" Mike prompts.
"And I pretty much blew it." Jared doesn't look up, doesn't see the way Jensen frowns at his words, just keeps on prattling along. "Whatever it was, I guess it's done so, yeah."
"Man that sucks, I know you liked him." Fucking Mike, and his fucking stupid timing and Jared wishes he'd never spoken to Mike in the first place because look where it's gotten him and more than that he basically just told Jensen that Jared likes him, could this be any more humiliating.
And then Mike's talking about their upcoming match and Chris is arguing over what the best offensive play would be and Jared thanks god the conversation is over, but still he can't lift his eyes, can't look Jensen in the eyes, so he just mumbles something to them about the bathroom and leaves the table.
He should have known, he thinks to himself. For those few weeks, everything had been good, everything had been great. He'd felt like he had family again. He should have known that couldn't last.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Fucking Padalecki. Oh wait, isn't that what got Jensen into this fucking mess in the first place? Still, he'd probably have done it again, even if his head is completely screwed up right now.
He'd kissed him. What the hell had convinced him to kiss the kid, oh yeah a healthy dose of unresolved sexual tension, jealousy and idiocy. But he'd done it anyway and anyone that knew would have said that that was him staking a claim. But it wasn't. Was it? No, damn, he just had a little thing for the guy, no one could blame him. Especially seeing as he knew exactly how hot it was. Don't let your mind go there Ackles.
"Did you really have to mess with the kid like that?" Jensen asks Chris that evening as he hands his friend a beer, not that the guy deserves it.
He'd thought he'd been being subtle with the whole Jared thing and after it had all blown up last week and Jensen had committed to frowning and bitching for the next eternity Chris had sat him down and told him he was being a dick head. 'You fucking want Padalecki just screw him already' Chris had growled out and Jensen had looked at him, eyes wide, because he'd never told Chris he was gay, he'd never mentioned Jared and then his mouth had been spouting out words before he'd really thought about them. 'That ain't really the problem Chris' he'd drawled full of damn confidence whilst inside he'd been screaming. Shitshitshit, because now Chris knew, and damn how long had Chris known and well, shit.
"Fuck. Jensen, that was a visual I didn't need." And Jensen was even more confused because Chris was talking like this was nothing. Like he hadn't just outed Jensen to Jensen. He'd thought about telling Chris the truth about a million times, about just sitting him down and saying hey I'm gay so yeah, and he hadn't because no matter how many times he'd imagined the guy's reaction it sure as hell wasn't just pure acceptance, the kind of acceptance where it doesn't even need a conversation. He really hadn't given Chris enough credit, he'd done him and their friendship a disservice there.
"What the fuck did you do?" Chris had accused, and Jensen should have been pissed about that because why was Chris assuming that this was his fault, but then he'd thought about it and realised he couldn't be pissed because, damn it, it was his fault and then he'd stalked off from Chris because he knew he was a jackass but he didn't need his best friend telling him too. And they hadn't brought it up, hadn't broached the subject until that damn stunt in the diner.
"Mike knows right? That's why the two of you are messing with him?" Jensen groans leaning back on his sofa, he'd come to the conclusion that Mike must know because whilst his luck was bad it wasn't that fucking bad.
"So Mike maybe knows."
"What the fuck Chris. Did you just take the first opportunity to shoot your mouth off, I can't-" If Jensen was using his mind properly he'd realise that Chris isn't that guy, that Chris is his best friend and he wouldn't hurt him like that, but he isn't, he's feeling blind panic at the whole situation and when Jensen gets scared he gets defensive.
"Hey! Hey!" Chris says holding his hands up. "The guy came to me man, said Padalecki had come and had a chat with him and how we needed to bang the two of your heads together."
Now Jensen really is speechless, Jared told Mike! But before Jensen can find his voice to curse, to cry, to just say something, Chris steps in, anticipating where Jensen's train of thought is heading.
"Hey no, it wasn't like that Jen, Jared didn't tell Mike about you. It was like how Mike explained in the diner, Jared just wanted some advice so he invented this 'college friend' and even though Mike ain't the sharpest tool it didn't take him long to put two and two together."
Jensen just looks up at Chris, he feels clueless, because how does someone take that conversation and get Jared and Jensen.
"Jesus, the sexual tension between the two of you is-" Chris explains.
"-What?" Jensen's head is starting to pound, because this is all getting too much to take in.
"Get the two of you in a room together and it just shoots right up man, like you just wanna rip each other's clothes off and go at it."
It wasn't like that? Was it like that? Jensen had pretty much tried from the beginning not to let his feelings show. Was he really that obvious?
Jared had been, well, Jared had been damn amazing, he'd been the nail in the coffin for Jensen. That game they'd played together, Jensen had seen him on the ice and just about drooled, because at eighteen Jared had still towered over him when they'd met each other on the ice and there'd been something about that that lit him up inside, that and the way the guy had beamed at him as if they weren't about to face off.
He'd been thinking about it for a while before that game, about the fact that he was probably gay, he'd dated girls, he dated guys, slept with both of them and it had been nice either way, he'd been leaning to the guy side and then he'd met Jared and he'd just had to have. And so he'd taken, pretty much without thought, and then he'd freaked out, the only way Jensen does, because the thought had crossed his mind that maybe it wasn't about being into guys or girls, it was about being into Jared and that was ludicrous because he'd known Jared less than twelve hours. And then he'd really thought about it and he'd realised he'd known Jared less than twelve hours and he'd just taken the guy's virginity.
After he'd left, gotten back to Boston, he'd pushed Jared to the back of his mind, left him there, okay so maybe brought him out for a few fantasies or two (who can blame him) but that was it, until he'd seen him again, until he'd joined the Bruins. And when Jensen had met him, the star of his late night fantasies, he'd pretty much reacted the same way he had the first time he'd seen Jared, want and need, but this time he hadn't let himself take. Instead he'd kept his distance, he'd tried to stay away and still despite all of that he'd been drawn in, he'd become Jared's friend and that had only made things a million times worse because now as well as wanting Jared, Jensen pretty much liked him too.
Then he'd seen him with Joe and he'd nearly lost his mind, jealousy working inside him because no one should get to touch Jared like that except for him. Maybe it was because he knew he was the first to have Jared, to show him what sex really was, maybe that made him feel like Jared was somehow his property, he wasn't sure, he'd just found himself pulling Joe away telling him to never touch Jared again. As if Jared was his property, what kind of freak even did that? When he'd turned to Jared he'd seen lips swollen, eyes filled with lust and anger had risen in his chest hot and demanding because he should have been the one to put that there. It had been pure instinct that had had him pushing Jared back against that wall, no thought to who the hell saw him, just this incessant need to erase all thoughts of Joe from Jared's mind. He could have, would have, taken Jared the same as he had the first time, without thought of the aftermath, just a slave to his desire. It had been Jared moaning his name that had sliced through whatever mental fog he'd had, that primitive beast that had taken over, and he'd jerked back, away, suddenly hating himself. He hadn't stayed, he'd run away, tail between his legs, like the damn coward he tries to pretend he isn't, before Jared could say anything. He hadn't wanted to see those lust filled eyes turn to disgust, didn't think he'd be able to ever forgive himself if he did.
"So what did you do to make the kid think he blew it?" Chris asks breaking Jensen's thoughts, and isn't that the million dollar question.
"I dunno Chris, that was pretty much a shock to me, I thought I'd blown it."
"So go fix it. You know he's interested."
"I'm not looking for anything Chris. He's not the 'let's just fuck' kind of guy. We already tried that and I don't want anything more."
"Keep telling yourself that" Chris scoffs, sounding slightly exasperated, but he doesn't pull Jensen on that, even though they both know it's mostly a lie. A lie that Jensen hopes he can keep telling himself.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
From the moment he'd realised he was good, round about his sophomore year in high school, Jared had always told himself that nothing would affect the way he plays hockey. Even when a scout stood on the sidelines, a scout that would literally decide his whole college future and whether or not there would be one, even when his parents had practically disowned him and he'd been couch surfing his senior year, he hadn't let anything take this one last thing from him. When everything else goes to shit around him, it doesn't matter, because Jared has always known that this is the one thing that can't be taken from him. So why, he wonders, is his frustration getting the better for him. He curses himself as the Rangers' left wing steals the puck for the third time this period and pushes past him. What the hell is happening? Sure it's been a tough match so far, hard fought and still they're only drawing one all, but Jared hasn't brought his A-game, hell, he's not even sure this is his B-game and it worries him, which is only hindering him further. He could pull his hair out.
As they switch out Jensen slams his hockey stick into the bench before throwing himself down, it isn't unlike a child throwing a hissy fit Jared thinks and it suddenly doesn't seem like Jared's the only one feeling it out there.
"You guys finished prancing around in your pretty little skirts yet?" Kripke shouts at them and they both mumble inaudibly. Kripke wants this game, they're currently sitting top of their division, thirteen wins to seven losses but the Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs are biting at their heels for pole position and Kripke wants to stay there, wants to dominate.
They should be 3-1 up, at least. If Jared hadn't fumbled the puck, that stupid left winger wouldn't have stolen it and he'd have put it safely in the back of the net, the goal was open for goodness sake. And Jensen, Jared thinks Jensen might be feeling it more than him because he'd had a shot, just him and the goal tender and he could've made, has done in the past, but he'd sent the puck wide and cursed a streak. It seems like they're both having a bad day. Jared's trying not to read anything into it. Just because they're both having a bad day doesn't mean it's a product of this thing they've got going, or well, the lack of a thing they've got going. No, it's just a coincidence.
Rafferty takes a hit, hard enough that even Jared winces and suddenly the Bruins have a power play. Kripke turns to them, shouts. "Okay guys get your heads out of your asses!" before lowering his voice to suggest plays and remind them of the Rangers' weaknesses.
Jared notices Chris shooting both him and Jensen a puzzled look as they take to the ice but he doesn't have time to process it or its meaning. He's psyching himself up, he can do this. He wasn't fazed by the pre-season or even when he'd stepped out for his first real NHL match, he isn't gonna fall apart now. He won't let himself. He thinks of the people that believe in him, Sandy and Jerry, there's Kripke in his strange way, and the fans, the fans that have come to see him play decent hockey not this piss-poor performance and yeah, sure it's not the biggest list of supporters anyone ever had but it's enough to strengthen his resolve. He might be okay letting himself down, but he can't do that to those that still believe in him, however misguided he thinks they might me.
His strengthened resolve however doesn't stop his fumbled passes and his easy steals through the second period. His pep-talk in the break doesn't make his feet work like his brain's telling them to and he stumbles through the third period. Jared sends up a silent prayer of thanks when Chris steals the puck and faces down the opposition's goal tender, sliding the puck between his knees, and the crowd goes wild as the whistle blows, the clock stops, and the score line reads 2-1. They hold off the Rangers whilst the clock counts down the last two minutes of play and Jared's heart beats wildly in his chest, because he needs this win, really needs this win. And then the clock reaches zero and the Bruins fans are singing out an ode to Christian Kane and Jared's world settles. Just one bad match he thinks, and still he didn't lose it.
There shouldn't be this buzz in the locker room, they hardly deserved the win but that seems to notch the mood up even higher, even if Kripke ripped them a new one. Jared's smile is full and vibrant and he can't remember the last time over the past few weeks that he's actually felt as carefree as this, which obviously is when fate, that fickle friend of his, steps in, in the form of Chris shushing everyone to make an announcement.
Still wet from the showers and towel slung around his hips, he stands on the bench, raises his hands to draw attention and quiet the locker room before speaking. "Padalecki's hosting the after party!" He roars, before the locker room descends back into chaos and Jared can refute it. He groans inwardly as he hears Chris shouting his address and giving directions to a few and he slouches back against the locker.
"He was gonna throw you a house warming party at some point." Jensen says from his left as if this is a standard occurrence, Chris just opening up his house to everyone and Jared thinks it might be the first words they've spoken to each other that weren't I'm open and nice pass since he'd lost his head and kissed him.
"I haven't got anything to drink." Jared admits. Sure he might be annoyed that Chris just offered up his house, when really all he wants to do is fall into his bed and pass out for a few hours, but hey, it might be nice, it might be great.
"Don't worry, Chris'll already have thought about that." Jensen chuckles. "They guy lives to throw a party."
And then as abruptly as that conversation started, Jensen's gone, in search of clothes, and it's over and for a first conversation since Jared fucked it all up, he doesn't think it went that badly at all.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The party is pretty much in full swing and Jared reckons he doesn't know half the people there but he just grabs another beer and shrugs, he's got too much of a buzz going to really care. As long as the house is still standing and Chris does the clean up in the morning then he's not gonna bitch about it, it's even kinda nice.
He's come to realise over the past few months that this is part of the post game ritual, the drinking and most likely the screwing, at that thought his eyes immediately latch onto Jensen, he's across the room laughing with Chris. They haven't really spoken since the locker room and Jared feels sorta foolish for thinking that one exchange of words had somehow fixed everything. He wants to be over there, he used to have a spot over there in that conversation and sure, yeah he could just go over, he could. But he's still standing here pining like a damn twelve year old.
Head lifting Jensen's eyes meet Jared's, holding, before Jared realises he's just been caught staring. Blushing, he mumbles to Mike an excuse to get away and ducks out of the room heads for the stairs. Fuck. He'll just hide out for five minutes, no one will even notice.
Jared's exhausted he realises, and maybe his buzz is actually sliding just a little bit over into drunk, he should probably cut himself off after this bottle. The bathroom seems as good as any place to hide out for a few, reclaim his composure before heading back out, but as he walks down the landing he notices the shut door and the closed lock.
Arms folded Jared leans one hip against the wall and groans because he can't do this anymore, the tension in his body is literally going to kill him if he doesn't get some relief. It's been a while, he realises, since he slept with anyone, before he joined the Bruins, hell, probably before his last finals. And being close to Jensen, having Jensen assault his mouth has worked his body up into overdrive. There's only so much you can really do for yourself.
Jared doesn't hear the footsteps, too lost in an absurd fantasy about Jensen but he's surprised when the fantasy bleeds over into reality, in the form of hands wrapping around his sides pressing against his stomach. Jared starts at the unexpected touch, turns to see Jensen a breath away. He wasn't going to kiss Jensen again, he swore he wasn't going to let this happen again but as he sees the desire he's feeling echoed back to him in Jensen's eyes Jared can feel his resolve come crumbling down. Jensen presses forward, body moulding against Jared; his voice smooth as silk whispers into his ear. "Fuck I want you."
Jared's heart shouldn't quicken at that admission, his muscles shouldn't tense, but they do. He wants to find his voice, wants to tell Jensen God yes, and please because he's damn tired of waiting to feel those hands on him, that mouth on him, but he can't, doesn't want to break the spell of whatever is working between them. And then Jensen's lips are on his, and there's no time for words. Jared's mouth opens on a sigh of surprise, Jensen's tongue taking advantage and sweeping inside. It's like he's trying to devour him, it's sloppy, it's wet and Jared can only moan for more because goddamn it's hot. The mouth against his works fast, working Jared up into a frenzy. It's an assault on his senses, the feel, the taste, it's almost overwhelming and Jared prays it never ends.
Jensen grinds himself against Jared, hard cock brushing against his thigh. Jared hears a keening sound and fuck, was that him? Did he just make that needy little whine? He should be embarrassed about how that sounds but then Jensen moves against him again and his mind goes completely blank of any thought but skin and want and now, dear god, please now.
Jared's hands scrabble for the hem of Jensen's t-shirt, shakily trying to tug his t-shirt up. Too many clothes, he thinks, why are they still wearing clothes. He tries to ask Jensen but it just comes out as a half mumbled groan against Jensen's incorrigible lips and Jensen's answering chuckle vibrates through his chest and damn that's a whole new level of hot.
Unconsciously Jared's body moves forward, tries to chase Jensen's lips as he pulls away. Just one more taste he tells himself, just one more and he'll be satisfied. A hand to his chest effectively stills any forward motion holding him back against the hard wood and Jared is starting to have a thing for walls and Jensen.
Jensen's eyes are intense as they gaze up at Jared and if Jared had the brain power or the ability to think anything other than now, he'd try to figure out what the hell that means and why it seems to make his chest so damn heavy. The rattle of the bathroom door startles both of them, Jensen stepping back, Jared moving cautiously to the side, trying to make themselves look inconspicuous, as if they weren't just sucking face a second ago. Stupid, he thinks, so damn stupid to just go at it the hall way, anyone could fucking see. Justin pops round the door, nods at the two of them as he passes and Jared lets out a breath. A breath he sucks right back in as Jensen grabs his hand pulling him into one of the rooms as Justin disappears around the corner.
It takes Jared a few moments to realise that that's his bed, that this is his room, he thinks Jensen might have broken his ability to think. That is until he sees Jensen on his knees in front of him, (how did that happen?) hands working his belt open and fuck, okay this is happening? Is this happening? And Jensen's hand closes around his dick, Jared's breath catching in his throat and dear god yes, finally it's happening.
Jensen pulls him out, hand working him up and down, twisting on the upstroke, but it's not like he really needs it he's so damn hard already and he can't help but push forward into the firm grip. He looks down at Jensen eyes blown with lust, and they haven't spoken, they should really speak about this, about what this is but then Jensen's tongue darts out licking over the head and Jared has to lock his knees to stop himself from falling, a groan working its way from his throat and he doesn't want words he just want more of that. It was just a lick, a small flick of Jensen's tongue and Jared thinks Jensen might just kill him with that mouth.
He's had this before, Jensen on his knees in front of him, it had been hot then, it's just as hot now, except maybe more so because he knows what that heat is going to feel like when it envelops him, he knows how Jensen is going to tease and then ruthlessly take and he tells himself he's prepared, that he remembers but he has to grip a hand in Jensen's hair to keep from falling as Jensen sucks the head into his mouth because it's so much more than that memory.
He can't hold back the words anymore, "God yes, Jensen!" spills from his mouth and there's an answering moan from Jensen, the vibration causing Jared's hips to thrust forward and Jensen's hands roughly grip Jared's hips holding him still. He wants to move he wants to thrust into that heat, wants to bury himself in it and the fact that he can't, that he has to just stand there and take it, is only driving him higher.
"Fuck. Oh fuck." He wants to tell Jensen how hot he looks looking up at him with his cock in his mouth, lips obscenely tight around his length, but he can't find the words as Jensen swallows him down. His fingers tense in Jensen's hair breath heaving. Jensen's cheeks hollow and Jared closes his eyes on a whimper, any thought of holding back long forgotten. It's too soon and he's too close. He tries to pull Jensen up, tries to let him know he's about to lose it, and that he should back off but Jensen just holds his ground sucking harder, mouth moving faster over him. One hand leaves his hips, cups his balls and Jared tenses, feels the pleasure become almost too much until he can't hold back any longer and he's pulsing into Jensen's mouth and Jensen, he's just taking it, drawing back a little so he doesn't choke, a drop of cum spilling past the corner of his lips as he swallows the rest down and Jared's knees are buckling from his orgasm, from the look of Jensen in front of him, from the sheer onslaught of that mouth and he braces a hand on Jensen's shoulder the other still gripping, probably painfully, at hair.
Jared tugs with that hand when the sensation becomes too much and Jensen finally pulls back, Jared's cock slipping from Jensen's mouth. Jared's breath heaves his muscles still tensing through the aftershocks as Jensen stands. Jensen's mouth presses hungrily against his again and Jared can taste himself there, salty and bitter and he chases it from Jensen's tongue until all that's left is Jensen.
Jared's vaguely aware that Jensen's still hard against him and through the haze he manages to work Jensen's jeans open, finger fumbling with the effort. He slides a hand down the front of Jensen's boxers pulling Jensen free and Jensen leans his head into Jared's shoulder as Jared rubs his thumb across the head of his cock, slicking the wet precum across the skin. Jensen thrusts into Jared's hand, mumbling into Jared's ear, fuck yeah and god Jay and don't stop and it spurs Jared on, makes him hot all over again, because he did this to Jensen, he brought Jensen to this and he revels in that power.
It only takes a few tugs, a few twists before Jensen's body stutters against his, murmuring groans as he coats Jared's hand.
It's all heavy breathing in the aftermath, Jensen's head still resting on Jared's shoulder and Jared can't quite believe what just happened. What does this make them? What did this mean? And he should ask, he really should but he can't quite bring himself to break the comfortable silence. It should be awkward Jared standing with his trousers and boxers around his ankles, Jensen with his jeans open, cock still hanging out, but it isn't it's just nice.
Jensen is the first to break their embrace, pull his head back from Jared to look up at him and then his body leaves and Jared has to stop himself from moving forward stepping back into that heat. Jared feels tension start to work its way between them as Jensen tucks himself away before closing his jeans and Jared reaches down to pull his trousers back up. He can suddenly hear the party around them, the music, and he hears laughter from outside the door, most likely Chris', it sounds like Chris and his heart stutters because they just did this in the middle of a party, in his house and the door wasn't even locked and he hadn't given a second thought to anyone out there. He should be freaking out about that, right?
Jensen doesn't seem to be freaking out though, he just smiles at Jared presses a small kiss to his lips before speaking.
"That was..."
"yeah..." Jared lamely agrees, where has his voice run off to?
"We should... Er..." Jensen waves his hand between them and Jared thinks he means this, us and again and Jared feels a little relief.
"Yeah, yeah." Jared hastily agrees and a smile spreads across Jensen's lips, he leans up to press in another kiss before stepping back, opening the door and slipping out.
Jared's heart is beating fast and he slumps down on the bed, realises his hand is still coated in Jensen and he wipes it across his jeans. He can't quite believe what just happened and despite his stunned mind, a stupidly big grin breaks out across his face.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 5) | Part 6 | Next (Part 7)
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 5) | Part 6 | Next (Part 7)
Jared wakes, a sweaty tangle of limbs and bed sheets, turning to look at the clock he groans. It's been a recurring theme over the past few days, tossing and turning most of the night, sleeping, only to fall into dreams of Jensen. He's pretty messed up right now, has been since Jensen's mouth had decided to assault his own, since Jensen had stopped just dropping round, since Jensen had pretty much blanked him all week. What's up with that? It's not like he kissed the guy!
He's pissed and confused and just pretty damn angry, but surprised? No, he shouldn't be surprised, after all Jensen has a damn good track record of pretending things that did happen didn't. If Jared let's himself think about it though, if he pushes past the anger and confusion, there's maybe a little hurt just there under the surface too.
With anger or confusion he'd just let it go, it'd pass in a few days, after he got it out of his system but hurt, hurt is a different matter. He needs to address it, needs to talk about it and let it out, he just doesn't know who to talk to. He hasn't called Sandy, despite the fact that he's started calling her at least four times, only to hang up at the first ring. She's usually his go to gal, but he's not sure he's ready to talk this out with her, he knows she'll be sympathetic and she'll listen and he needs that but he also knows then she'll have one of her amazing insights that will just screw him over again, and he's not sure his mind can deal with that as well right now.
He can't really talk about it to any of the guys either, though he knows Chris and Mike have sensed that there's something up between the two of them, he can't tell them what that is, because Jared isn't really sure who knows about Jensen and he's pretty sure he doesn't want to be the one to out him to his friends and damn, this is beyond complicated.
After a rather brutal training session, where he's been on the receiving end of Jensen's surprisingly effective cold shoulder, Jared decides it's time to bite the bullet and tries out a hypothetical situation with Mike.
"So, if someone you liked and had a thing with a while ago just kissed you and then ignored you and acted like it didn't happen, erm, what would you do?" Jared asks words stumbling over each other in his rush to get it all out.
"Joe?" Mike asks, then shakes his head. "Wait, I thought you only met the other night?"
So much for hypothetical Jared thinks.
"It's not Joe. You... You don't know him, he's just a guy from college." Jared rambles on, okay this is weird, this is uncomfortable and weird to be talking to Mike about kissing Jensen without Mike knowing it's Jensen. This was a stupid idea. He should leave. Why isn't he leaving?
"Okay, so let me see if I got this straight. You had a thing with this guy from college, and you like this guy?" Jared nods at Mike's question. "And he kissed you, but now he's ignoring you and pretending it didn't happen?" Mike raises an eyebrow and Jared's not sure if he's put two and two together and gotten Jensen and wouldn't that be just his luck. Jensen would pretty much hate him then. He feels like a twelve year old girl, he hasn't had a conversation like this since, well, ever, but when he thinks of twelve year old girls talking about their crushes, he thinks this might be what it sounds like.
"Yeah, he kind of pretended we never had a thing back in college too." Jared feels stupid, because he sounds lame, right, and Mike is going to probably, no definitely, just laugh at him.
"Well the guy sounds like a dick." Mike states, no laughter, just a slight smile and Jared finds himself laughing nervously at that, but can't really believe it. He'd thought that too, when he'd met Jensen again earlier this year, he'd thought that maybe Jensen was just an ass, but then he'd gotten to know Jensen and Jared just can't believe that anymore. "And I'd say he isn't worth your time, but then maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. You should probably just talk to him."
Jared looks at Mike sheepishly, he's not sure what he was expecting from Mike, but actual advice wasn't it, advice that made sense was even further from it. "But he's ignoring me."
"JT, you're a 6' 4 overgrown puppy most of the time, put you in a room with just about anyone and they'd break." Mike teases before his voice softens and it isn't pity Jared sees there, it isn't! Or so he tells himself. "Just, just go talk to him, yeah?"
It's not a big revelation that they need to talk. Jared's known it all along, he just didn't really want to, because Jensen so obviously doesn't want to. But hugs Mike, tells him thanks and promises to talk to the guy, to Jensen, he's going to talk to him and sort this whole thing out and maybe, yeah maybe Jensen doesn't want him and he'll be fine with that. He will won't he?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He's staring and who can blame him, because Jensen is lying back on the bench, arms strained above him, weights pushing down on him and his muscles are taught, sweat running over skin and Jared has to shake his head to clear his mind, to tear his eyes from the view, because he didn't come here just to ogle, he came here to talk, to sort this out. He misses Jensen, he'd gotten used to him just dropping round, just hanging out on the porch or the sofa with beer and TV, with Jensen's laughter ringing out and now he hasn't got that and his house feels quiet and empty and if he would admit it he feels pretty damn lonely.
So maybe it was a mistake, that night. Maybe Jensen had been drunk and it'd just gotten out of hand and Jared can forgive him for that, if he'll talk to him, if Jensen would just please talk to him, because as nice as it would be, had been, to have that mouth, that body pressed up against his, he's not sure it's worth the friendship they'd been building.
"Your indecision is annoying me." Jensen says as Jared hovers in the doorway and it's the first words he's spoken to Jared in five days.
"Shouldn't someone be spotting you?" Jared asks and Jensen merely huffs out a breath, sets the weights down, sits up and aims shrewd eyes at Jared.
"Did you really come here to talk health and safety bullshit?" Jensen smirks, towelling the sweat from his arms and Jared's almost sorry to see it go. Jared shakes his head and Jensen nods before carrying on. "So spill it, what's up?"
Jared's pretty sure his jaw drops, pretty sure he stands open mouthed for a good few minutes before his mind reengages, because what is this? Jensen hasn't spoken to him in the past week, has pretty much avoided him and now, now he's just talking like they would any other time. Maybe I'm going crazy, Jared thinks, maybe I've finally cracked up.
"What's up? Really?" He chuckles humourlessly to himself, arms raised in defeat. "As if you're doing this again man, no, I can't do this. You can't do this. You can't sleep with someone, you can't kiss someone and then pretend it never damn happened!"
Jensen just shrugs his eyes avoiding Jared, and Jared wants to throttle him. "So we slept together and yeah I kissed you. It's no big deal."
Before Jared knew Jensen, before he got to see beneath that armour of his he wears, he might've taken that how it was meant, he might've taken that as a brush off as if Jensen didn't care, but Jared can't forget those nights on his porch when he'd gotten to see the real Jensen and maybe those words sting all the more for it, because he thinks he can brush Jared off like that and Jared will just take it.
"So you've decided to finally acknowledge that night happened then?" Jared asks, he's trying so hard not to fall apart here, to keep his cool.
"It's not like I was denying it." There's that shrug again as Jensen stands moves over to the bench at the side, pulling off his sweaty t-shirt and Jared tries to not think about the way it clings to Jensen's back, tries not the think about Jensen's bare skin and he's thankful when Jensen slips a clean shirt over his head because how can he be this angry and this horny?
"No, you were just pretending you didn't know me, pretending that I haven't had your cock in my mouth, in my ass." Jared's face turns red as he says the words, talking like that during sex still makes him a little uncomfortable, but here in the bright light of day, fully clothed, yeah he feels pretty awkward and he hastily carries on whilst he's still got the nerve to form words. "And what was that kiss all about?"
If Jensen shrugs one more time, Jared's pretty sure he's going to hit him, because his patience is close to non-existent at this point, would it kill the guy to show a little damn emotion. Maybe? "Something to think about."
And that's it, that's the final straw for Jared, his cool composure, or whatever he had left of it just snaps, because this isn't fair. He'd been so certain, so damn sure in that kiss that Jensen had wanted it too, but the guy standing in front of him is so cool and aloof and he can't put those two together.
He's stalking forward before he realises and Jensen has the sense to back away, it doesn't stop Jared though, just allows him to cage Jensen in. He doesn't use his height to his advantage off the ice usually, but he's boxing Jensen in before he even really realises he's doing it. Jensen looks up at him and Jared catches just a hint of fear in those eyes, like a deer being caught in the headlights, before he's leaning down. His mouth hovers close to Jensen's, so damn close he can feel Jensen's breath against his face. He wants to move in, wants to take, but he's giving Jensen the opportunity to stop this, to push him away and when he doesn't Jared can't help but crush himself against him.
His mouth moves hungrily over Jensen's, his tongue relentless and seeking. It's good, it's hot, it leaves Jared wanting so much more. He wants to drown in the taste, in the textures of Jensen and never leave. His hands are gripping Jensen's hips, pinning him effortlessly against him, he's rougher than he intends to be, knows he'll leave marks on Jensen's skin and that sends a wicked thrill through him.
Jensen raises his hands to Jared's chest, to push away or pull closer, Jared's not sure, but he doesn't give Jensen the opportunity to decide just keeps the assault on Jensen's mouth going and that's when he hears, when he realises what this is all about, a small moan escapes from Jensen's lips and Jensen melts against Jared any resistance ebbing away. That's all he really wanted, all he needed to prove, that Jensen wants this just as much as he does. Whether he was trying to prove it to himself or to Jensen or damn both of them, he's not really sure.
Regretfully Jared pushes his body back disentangles himself from Jensen and warily raises his head to look at him. Jensen's still got that look in his eyes, that deer headlights one only there's the intensity of desire behind it now and Jared, despite hearing what he wanted from Jensen, feels pretty damn shitty right now. He's not a take what I want kind of guy, he doesn't push things and he pushed this he knows that. It doesn't matter that Jensen kissed him first, it doesn't matter that Jensen acted like a dick about it all because he feels pretty much worse.
"What was that?" Jensen ask, voice quiet. It slices through Jared, because he did that, he caused that and he curses inwardly.
His voice is rough when he speaks, his words harsh despite whatever guilt he's feeling. "Something to think about." And Jared leaves Jensen the same way Jensen left him, and if he thought he felt shitty then, well he didn't really know the meaning. Fucking ruined it, he thinks and his hands shake with effort to just keep walking away.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
They're back to that mutual level of dislike. Jensen doesn't drop by and Jared doesn't confront him about it. They let on in training, when it's expected, they go out together when they're invited, but it's pretty much settled that their friendship is over, and that they're never going to talk about what happened.
It's just Jared's luck that Mike decides to follow up on their conversation when they're having lunch with Chris and Jensen.
"So , did you talk to that guy?" Mike asks, and Jensen's eyes snap to Jared's so quickly, Jared's wonders how he didn't give himself whiplash. Chris merely looks over his burger with slight intrigue and Jared's pretty sure there's mischief in his eyes.
"Joe?" Chris asks, and Jensen looks as if he wants to punch something.
"No." Mike explains. "This guy from college that Jared had a thing with and likes but the guy's being a complete idiot and ignoring him and then kissing him and then ignoring him."
Jared wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole, he's never wanted anything more, because Jensen is looking directly at him and he knows that Jensen knows that it's Jensen that Mike is talking about even if Mike doesn't know and damn this is too confusing and messed up. And fuck Mike for just airing his love life, or apparent lack thereof it, for them all to hear.
"Well that guy sounds like a jackass." Jared chokes on his drink at Chris' words and prays for someone to come save him from this.
"So did you?" Mike asks, and when Jared stares blankly back at him he adds. "Did you talk to him JT?"
Jared swallows the lump in his throat, because what is he supposed to say, Jensen is sat right there. Oh yeah, he thinks, I went to talk to him and ended up just man-handling him and kissing the fuck out of him, yeah, yeah, he can't say that out loud.
"Erm... yeah." He looks down at his plate, his fries becoming suddenly very interesting.
"And?" Mike prompts.
"And I pretty much blew it." Jared doesn't look up, doesn't see the way Jensen frowns at his words, just keeps on prattling along. "Whatever it was, I guess it's done so, yeah."
"Man that sucks, I know you liked him." Fucking Mike, and his fucking stupid timing and Jared wishes he'd never spoken to Mike in the first place because look where it's gotten him and more than that he basically just told Jensen that Jared likes him, could this be any more humiliating.
And then Mike's talking about their upcoming match and Chris is arguing over what the best offensive play would be and Jared thanks god the conversation is over, but still he can't lift his eyes, can't look Jensen in the eyes, so he just mumbles something to them about the bathroom and leaves the table.
He should have known, he thinks to himself. For those few weeks, everything had been good, everything had been great. He'd felt like he had family again. He should have known that couldn't last.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Fucking Padalecki. Oh wait, isn't that what got Jensen into this fucking mess in the first place? Still, he'd probably have done it again, even if his head is completely screwed up right now.
He'd kissed him. What the hell had convinced him to kiss the kid, oh yeah a healthy dose of unresolved sexual tension, jealousy and idiocy. But he'd done it anyway and anyone that knew would have said that that was him staking a claim. But it wasn't. Was it? No, damn, he just had a little thing for the guy, no one could blame him. Especially seeing as he knew exactly how hot it was. Don't let your mind go there Ackles.
"Did you really have to mess with the kid like that?" Jensen asks Chris that evening as he hands his friend a beer, not that the guy deserves it.
He'd thought he'd been being subtle with the whole Jared thing and after it had all blown up last week and Jensen had committed to frowning and bitching for the next eternity Chris had sat him down and told him he was being a dick head. 'You fucking want Padalecki just screw him already' Chris had growled out and Jensen had looked at him, eyes wide, because he'd never told Chris he was gay, he'd never mentioned Jared and then his mouth had been spouting out words before he'd really thought about them. 'That ain't really the problem Chris' he'd drawled full of damn confidence whilst inside he'd been screaming. Shitshitshit, because now Chris knew, and damn how long had Chris known and well, shit.
"Fuck. Jensen, that was a visual I didn't need." And Jensen was even more confused because Chris was talking like this was nothing. Like he hadn't just outed Jensen to Jensen. He'd thought about telling Chris the truth about a million times, about just sitting him down and saying hey I'm gay so yeah, and he hadn't because no matter how many times he'd imagined the guy's reaction it sure as hell wasn't just pure acceptance, the kind of acceptance where it doesn't even need a conversation. He really hadn't given Chris enough credit, he'd done him and their friendship a disservice there.
"What the fuck did you do?" Chris had accused, and Jensen should have been pissed about that because why was Chris assuming that this was his fault, but then he'd thought about it and realised he couldn't be pissed because, damn it, it was his fault and then he'd stalked off from Chris because he knew he was a jackass but he didn't need his best friend telling him too. And they hadn't brought it up, hadn't broached the subject until that damn stunt in the diner.
"Mike knows right? That's why the two of you are messing with him?" Jensen groans leaning back on his sofa, he'd come to the conclusion that Mike must know because whilst his luck was bad it wasn't that fucking bad.
"So Mike maybe knows."
"What the fuck Chris. Did you just take the first opportunity to shoot your mouth off, I can't-" If Jensen was using his mind properly he'd realise that Chris isn't that guy, that Chris is his best friend and he wouldn't hurt him like that, but he isn't, he's feeling blind panic at the whole situation and when Jensen gets scared he gets defensive.
"Hey! Hey!" Chris says holding his hands up. "The guy came to me man, said Padalecki had come and had a chat with him and how we needed to bang the two of your heads together."
Now Jensen really is speechless, Jared told Mike! But before Jensen can find his voice to curse, to cry, to just say something, Chris steps in, anticipating where Jensen's train of thought is heading.
"Hey no, it wasn't like that Jen, Jared didn't tell Mike about you. It was like how Mike explained in the diner, Jared just wanted some advice so he invented this 'college friend' and even though Mike ain't the sharpest tool it didn't take him long to put two and two together."
Jensen just looks up at Chris, he feels clueless, because how does someone take that conversation and get Jared and Jensen.
"Jesus, the sexual tension between the two of you is-" Chris explains.
"-What?" Jensen's head is starting to pound, because this is all getting too much to take in.
"Get the two of you in a room together and it just shoots right up man, like you just wanna rip each other's clothes off and go at it."
It wasn't like that? Was it like that? Jensen had pretty much tried from the beginning not to let his feelings show. Was he really that obvious?
Jared had been, well, Jared had been damn amazing, he'd been the nail in the coffin for Jensen. That game they'd played together, Jensen had seen him on the ice and just about drooled, because at eighteen Jared had still towered over him when they'd met each other on the ice and there'd been something about that that lit him up inside, that and the way the guy had beamed at him as if they weren't about to face off.
He'd been thinking about it for a while before that game, about the fact that he was probably gay, he'd dated girls, he dated guys, slept with both of them and it had been nice either way, he'd been leaning to the guy side and then he'd met Jared and he'd just had to have. And so he'd taken, pretty much without thought, and then he'd freaked out, the only way Jensen does, because the thought had crossed his mind that maybe it wasn't about being into guys or girls, it was about being into Jared and that was ludicrous because he'd known Jared less than twelve hours. And then he'd really thought about it and he'd realised he'd known Jared less than twelve hours and he'd just taken the guy's virginity.
After he'd left, gotten back to Boston, he'd pushed Jared to the back of his mind, left him there, okay so maybe brought him out for a few fantasies or two (who can blame him) but that was it, until he'd seen him again, until he'd joined the Bruins. And when Jensen had met him, the star of his late night fantasies, he'd pretty much reacted the same way he had the first time he'd seen Jared, want and need, but this time he hadn't let himself take. Instead he'd kept his distance, he'd tried to stay away and still despite all of that he'd been drawn in, he'd become Jared's friend and that had only made things a million times worse because now as well as wanting Jared, Jensen pretty much liked him too.
Then he'd seen him with Joe and he'd nearly lost his mind, jealousy working inside him because no one should get to touch Jared like that except for him. Maybe it was because he knew he was the first to have Jared, to show him what sex really was, maybe that made him feel like Jared was somehow his property, he wasn't sure, he'd just found himself pulling Joe away telling him to never touch Jared again. As if Jared was his property, what kind of freak even did that? When he'd turned to Jared he'd seen lips swollen, eyes filled with lust and anger had risen in his chest hot and demanding because he should have been the one to put that there. It had been pure instinct that had had him pushing Jared back against that wall, no thought to who the hell saw him, just this incessant need to erase all thoughts of Joe from Jared's mind. He could have, would have, taken Jared the same as he had the first time, without thought of the aftermath, just a slave to his desire. It had been Jared moaning his name that had sliced through whatever mental fog he'd had, that primitive beast that had taken over, and he'd jerked back, away, suddenly hating himself. He hadn't stayed, he'd run away, tail between his legs, like the damn coward he tries to pretend he isn't, before Jared could say anything. He hadn't wanted to see those lust filled eyes turn to disgust, didn't think he'd be able to ever forgive himself if he did.
"So what did you do to make the kid think he blew it?" Chris asks breaking Jensen's thoughts, and isn't that the million dollar question.
"I dunno Chris, that was pretty much a shock to me, I thought I'd blown it."
"So go fix it. You know he's interested."
"I'm not looking for anything Chris. He's not the 'let's just fuck' kind of guy. We already tried that and I don't want anything more."
"Keep telling yourself that" Chris scoffs, sounding slightly exasperated, but he doesn't pull Jensen on that, even though they both know it's mostly a lie. A lie that Jensen hopes he can keep telling himself.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
From the moment he'd realised he was good, round about his sophomore year in high school, Jared had always told himself that nothing would affect the way he plays hockey. Even when a scout stood on the sidelines, a scout that would literally decide his whole college future and whether or not there would be one, even when his parents had practically disowned him and he'd been couch surfing his senior year, he hadn't let anything take this one last thing from him. When everything else goes to shit around him, it doesn't matter, because Jared has always known that this is the one thing that can't be taken from him. So why, he wonders, is his frustration getting the better for him. He curses himself as the Rangers' left wing steals the puck for the third time this period and pushes past him. What the hell is happening? Sure it's been a tough match so far, hard fought and still they're only drawing one all, but Jared hasn't brought his A-game, hell, he's not even sure this is his B-game and it worries him, which is only hindering him further. He could pull his hair out.
As they switch out Jensen slams his hockey stick into the bench before throwing himself down, it isn't unlike a child throwing a hissy fit Jared thinks and it suddenly doesn't seem like Jared's the only one feeling it out there.
"You guys finished prancing around in your pretty little skirts yet?" Kripke shouts at them and they both mumble inaudibly. Kripke wants this game, they're currently sitting top of their division, thirteen wins to seven losses but the Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs are biting at their heels for pole position and Kripke wants to stay there, wants to dominate.
They should be 3-1 up, at least. If Jared hadn't fumbled the puck, that stupid left winger wouldn't have stolen it and he'd have put it safely in the back of the net, the goal was open for goodness sake. And Jensen, Jared thinks Jensen might be feeling it more than him because he'd had a shot, just him and the goal tender and he could've made, has done in the past, but he'd sent the puck wide and cursed a streak. It seems like they're both having a bad day. Jared's trying not to read anything into it. Just because they're both having a bad day doesn't mean it's a product of this thing they've got going, or well, the lack of a thing they've got going. No, it's just a coincidence.
Rafferty takes a hit, hard enough that even Jared winces and suddenly the Bruins have a power play. Kripke turns to them, shouts. "Okay guys get your heads out of your asses!" before lowering his voice to suggest plays and remind them of the Rangers' weaknesses.
Jared notices Chris shooting both him and Jensen a puzzled look as they take to the ice but he doesn't have time to process it or its meaning. He's psyching himself up, he can do this. He wasn't fazed by the pre-season or even when he'd stepped out for his first real NHL match, he isn't gonna fall apart now. He won't let himself. He thinks of the people that believe in him, Sandy and Jerry, there's Kripke in his strange way, and the fans, the fans that have come to see him play decent hockey not this piss-poor performance and yeah, sure it's not the biggest list of supporters anyone ever had but it's enough to strengthen his resolve. He might be okay letting himself down, but he can't do that to those that still believe in him, however misguided he thinks they might me.
His strengthened resolve however doesn't stop his fumbled passes and his easy steals through the second period. His pep-talk in the break doesn't make his feet work like his brain's telling them to and he stumbles through the third period. Jared sends up a silent prayer of thanks when Chris steals the puck and faces down the opposition's goal tender, sliding the puck between his knees, and the crowd goes wild as the whistle blows, the clock stops, and the score line reads 2-1. They hold off the Rangers whilst the clock counts down the last two minutes of play and Jared's heart beats wildly in his chest, because he needs this win, really needs this win. And then the clock reaches zero and the Bruins fans are singing out an ode to Christian Kane and Jared's world settles. Just one bad match he thinks, and still he didn't lose it.
There shouldn't be this buzz in the locker room, they hardly deserved the win but that seems to notch the mood up even higher, even if Kripke ripped them a new one. Jared's smile is full and vibrant and he can't remember the last time over the past few weeks that he's actually felt as carefree as this, which obviously is when fate, that fickle friend of his, steps in, in the form of Chris shushing everyone to make an announcement.
Still wet from the showers and towel slung around his hips, he stands on the bench, raises his hands to draw attention and quiet the locker room before speaking. "Padalecki's hosting the after party!" He roars, before the locker room descends back into chaos and Jared can refute it. He groans inwardly as he hears Chris shouting his address and giving directions to a few and he slouches back against the locker.
"He was gonna throw you a house warming party at some point." Jensen says from his left as if this is a standard occurrence, Chris just opening up his house to everyone and Jared thinks it might be the first words they've spoken to each other that weren't I'm open and nice pass since he'd lost his head and kissed him.
"I haven't got anything to drink." Jared admits. Sure he might be annoyed that Chris just offered up his house, when really all he wants to do is fall into his bed and pass out for a few hours, but hey, it might be nice, it might be great.
"Don't worry, Chris'll already have thought about that." Jensen chuckles. "They guy lives to throw a party."
And then as abruptly as that conversation started, Jensen's gone, in search of clothes, and it's over and for a first conversation since Jared fucked it all up, he doesn't think it went that badly at all.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The party is pretty much in full swing and Jared reckons he doesn't know half the people there but he just grabs another beer and shrugs, he's got too much of a buzz going to really care. As long as the house is still standing and Chris does the clean up in the morning then he's not gonna bitch about it, it's even kinda nice.
He's come to realise over the past few months that this is part of the post game ritual, the drinking and most likely the screwing, at that thought his eyes immediately latch onto Jensen, he's across the room laughing with Chris. They haven't really spoken since the locker room and Jared feels sorta foolish for thinking that one exchange of words had somehow fixed everything. He wants to be over there, he used to have a spot over there in that conversation and sure, yeah he could just go over, he could. But he's still standing here pining like a damn twelve year old.
Head lifting Jensen's eyes meet Jared's, holding, before Jared realises he's just been caught staring. Blushing, he mumbles to Mike an excuse to get away and ducks out of the room heads for the stairs. Fuck. He'll just hide out for five minutes, no one will even notice.
Jared's exhausted he realises, and maybe his buzz is actually sliding just a little bit over into drunk, he should probably cut himself off after this bottle. The bathroom seems as good as any place to hide out for a few, reclaim his composure before heading back out, but as he walks down the landing he notices the shut door and the closed lock.
Arms folded Jared leans one hip against the wall and groans because he can't do this anymore, the tension in his body is literally going to kill him if he doesn't get some relief. It's been a while, he realises, since he slept with anyone, before he joined the Bruins, hell, probably before his last finals. And being close to Jensen, having Jensen assault his mouth has worked his body up into overdrive. There's only so much you can really do for yourself.
Jared doesn't hear the footsteps, too lost in an absurd fantasy about Jensen but he's surprised when the fantasy bleeds over into reality, in the form of hands wrapping around his sides pressing against his stomach. Jared starts at the unexpected touch, turns to see Jensen a breath away. He wasn't going to kiss Jensen again, he swore he wasn't going to let this happen again but as he sees the desire he's feeling echoed back to him in Jensen's eyes Jared can feel his resolve come crumbling down. Jensen presses forward, body moulding against Jared; his voice smooth as silk whispers into his ear. "Fuck I want you."
Jared's heart shouldn't quicken at that admission, his muscles shouldn't tense, but they do. He wants to find his voice, wants to tell Jensen God yes, and please because he's damn tired of waiting to feel those hands on him, that mouth on him, but he can't, doesn't want to break the spell of whatever is working between them. And then Jensen's lips are on his, and there's no time for words. Jared's mouth opens on a sigh of surprise, Jensen's tongue taking advantage and sweeping inside. It's like he's trying to devour him, it's sloppy, it's wet and Jared can only moan for more because goddamn it's hot. The mouth against his works fast, working Jared up into a frenzy. It's an assault on his senses, the feel, the taste, it's almost overwhelming and Jared prays it never ends.
Jensen grinds himself against Jared, hard cock brushing against his thigh. Jared hears a keening sound and fuck, was that him? Did he just make that needy little whine? He should be embarrassed about how that sounds but then Jensen moves against him again and his mind goes completely blank of any thought but skin and want and now, dear god, please now.
Jared's hands scrabble for the hem of Jensen's t-shirt, shakily trying to tug his t-shirt up. Too many clothes, he thinks, why are they still wearing clothes. He tries to ask Jensen but it just comes out as a half mumbled groan against Jensen's incorrigible lips and Jensen's answering chuckle vibrates through his chest and damn that's a whole new level of hot.
Unconsciously Jared's body moves forward, tries to chase Jensen's lips as he pulls away. Just one more taste he tells himself, just one more and he'll be satisfied. A hand to his chest effectively stills any forward motion holding him back against the hard wood and Jared is starting to have a thing for walls and Jensen.
Jensen's eyes are intense as they gaze up at Jared and if Jared had the brain power or the ability to think anything other than now, he'd try to figure out what the hell that means and why it seems to make his chest so damn heavy. The rattle of the bathroom door startles both of them, Jensen stepping back, Jared moving cautiously to the side, trying to make themselves look inconspicuous, as if they weren't just sucking face a second ago. Stupid, he thinks, so damn stupid to just go at it the hall way, anyone could fucking see. Justin pops round the door, nods at the two of them as he passes and Jared lets out a breath. A breath he sucks right back in as Jensen grabs his hand pulling him into one of the rooms as Justin disappears around the corner.
It takes Jared a few moments to realise that that's his bed, that this is his room, he thinks Jensen might have broken his ability to think. That is until he sees Jensen on his knees in front of him, (how did that happen?) hands working his belt open and fuck, okay this is happening? Is this happening? And Jensen's hand closes around his dick, Jared's breath catching in his throat and dear god yes, finally it's happening.
Jensen pulls him out, hand working him up and down, twisting on the upstroke, but it's not like he really needs it he's so damn hard already and he can't help but push forward into the firm grip. He looks down at Jensen eyes blown with lust, and they haven't spoken, they should really speak about this, about what this is but then Jensen's tongue darts out licking over the head and Jared has to lock his knees to stop himself from falling, a groan working its way from his throat and he doesn't want words he just want more of that. It was just a lick, a small flick of Jensen's tongue and Jared thinks Jensen might just kill him with that mouth.
He's had this before, Jensen on his knees in front of him, it had been hot then, it's just as hot now, except maybe more so because he knows what that heat is going to feel like when it envelops him, he knows how Jensen is going to tease and then ruthlessly take and he tells himself he's prepared, that he remembers but he has to grip a hand in Jensen's hair to keep from falling as Jensen sucks the head into his mouth because it's so much more than that memory.
He can't hold back the words anymore, "God yes, Jensen!" spills from his mouth and there's an answering moan from Jensen, the vibration causing Jared's hips to thrust forward and Jensen's hands roughly grip Jared's hips holding him still. He wants to move he wants to thrust into that heat, wants to bury himself in it and the fact that he can't, that he has to just stand there and take it, is only driving him higher.
"Fuck. Oh fuck." He wants to tell Jensen how hot he looks looking up at him with his cock in his mouth, lips obscenely tight around his length, but he can't find the words as Jensen swallows him down. His fingers tense in Jensen's hair breath heaving. Jensen's cheeks hollow and Jared closes his eyes on a whimper, any thought of holding back long forgotten. It's too soon and he's too close. He tries to pull Jensen up, tries to let him know he's about to lose it, and that he should back off but Jensen just holds his ground sucking harder, mouth moving faster over him. One hand leaves his hips, cups his balls and Jared tenses, feels the pleasure become almost too much until he can't hold back any longer and he's pulsing into Jensen's mouth and Jensen, he's just taking it, drawing back a little so he doesn't choke, a drop of cum spilling past the corner of his lips as he swallows the rest down and Jared's knees are buckling from his orgasm, from the look of Jensen in front of him, from the sheer onslaught of that mouth and he braces a hand on Jensen's shoulder the other still gripping, probably painfully, at hair.
Jared tugs with that hand when the sensation becomes too much and Jensen finally pulls back, Jared's cock slipping from Jensen's mouth. Jared's breath heaves his muscles still tensing through the aftershocks as Jensen stands. Jensen's mouth presses hungrily against his again and Jared can taste himself there, salty and bitter and he chases it from Jensen's tongue until all that's left is Jensen.
Jared's vaguely aware that Jensen's still hard against him and through the haze he manages to work Jensen's jeans open, finger fumbling with the effort. He slides a hand down the front of Jensen's boxers pulling Jensen free and Jensen leans his head into Jared's shoulder as Jared rubs his thumb across the head of his cock, slicking the wet precum across the skin. Jensen thrusts into Jared's hand, mumbling into Jared's ear, fuck yeah and god Jay and don't stop and it spurs Jared on, makes him hot all over again, because he did this to Jensen, he brought Jensen to this and he revels in that power.
It only takes a few tugs, a few twists before Jensen's body stutters against his, murmuring groans as he coats Jared's hand.
It's all heavy breathing in the aftermath, Jensen's head still resting on Jared's shoulder and Jared can't quite believe what just happened. What does this make them? What did this mean? And he should ask, he really should but he can't quite bring himself to break the comfortable silence. It should be awkward Jared standing with his trousers and boxers around his ankles, Jensen with his jeans open, cock still hanging out, but it isn't it's just nice.
Jensen is the first to break their embrace, pull his head back from Jared to look up at him and then his body leaves and Jared has to stop himself from moving forward stepping back into that heat. Jared feels tension start to work its way between them as Jensen tucks himself away before closing his jeans and Jared reaches down to pull his trousers back up. He can suddenly hear the party around them, the music, and he hears laughter from outside the door, most likely Chris', it sounds like Chris and his heart stutters because they just did this in the middle of a party, in his house and the door wasn't even locked and he hadn't given a second thought to anyone out there. He should be freaking out about that, right?
Jensen doesn't seem to be freaking out though, he just smiles at Jared presses a small kiss to his lips before speaking.
"That was..."
"yeah..." Jared lamely agrees, where has his voice run off to?
"We should... Er..." Jensen waves his hand between them and Jared thinks he means this, us and again and Jared feels a little relief.
"Yeah, yeah." Jared hastily agrees and a smile spreads across Jensen's lips, he leans up to press in another kiss before stepping back, opening the door and slipping out.
Jared's heart is beating fast and he slumps down on the bed, realises his hand is still coated in Jensen and he wipes it across his jeans. He can't quite believe what just happened and despite his stunned mind, a stupidly big grin breaks out across his face.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
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