Which to bury, us or the hatchet (7/13)
So I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to finishing and posting this, I just got super busy with RL. Ah, to be a full-time fangirl! As always thanks to masja_17 for her wonderful beta, and thanks to everyone that's choosing to read this! Enjoy.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
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Once the buzz of alcohol and the haze of sexual satisfaction has worn off Jared slowly begins to lose his mind. He'd spent the rest of last night eyeing Jensen across the room, trying not to let on as to what had just happened in his bedroom, even though his mind was racing and all he really wanted to do was just get another taste of Jensen, in order to believe that this was real, that he hadn't just imagined the whole thing. But despite having to just stand there and pine he'd felt elated because Jensen had just blown him and then he'd been sweet and awkward afterward and Jared had liked that he'd managed to make the always in control Jensen lose just a little of his cool.
But that was last night and waking up to the bright light of day had triggered the start of a little freak out. A freak out that had Jared lying awake in the early hours of the morning, because they hadn't really talked had they, they'd just grinned like loons at each other and stuttered words. And they'd both drunk their fare share. Lying there, counting the dents in his ceiling he wonders, he worries, because Jensen doesn't exactly have the best track record does he? And that's the real problem, sure they'd both agreed they wanted to do that again, but they hadn't made plans, something concrete that Jared could cling to. And though he knows better, Jared's worried that he's going to walk into training tomorrow and Jensen will be back to his sullen, ignoring Jared, usual self. Can he really cope with that again?
His brain is overrun with possible situations, the way this could all turn to hell and he finally decides, as he glances at the clock, to drag himself out of the bed. No point lying in, burying his under the covers all day, despite how much he might like to do that right now.
Taking in his house as he descends the stairs, he groans, beer bottles and plastic cups are strewn across any and all available surfaces. So much for Chris tidying this shit up. As he enters the living room he notices Mike sprawled across the couch, face down, arm dangling over the edge and Jared finds himself smiling as he throws an empty cup at Mike's head, watching him lazily rub his hand over the site of impact and turn in search of the source of the throw.
"Dude, uncool!" Mike groans as he notices Jared, before turning to sit up, misjudging the size of the sofa and landing squarely on his ass on the floor. Mike scowls down at the floor as if it was the floors fault he just landed there and Jared can't hold back his laughter, cracking up as Mike turns his scowl on Jared.
"That's what you get when you crash on the couch. I've got bedrooms with beds upstairs man." Jared explains shaking his head.
"Yeah, me and the stairs sorta had a little disagreement, but the sofa was my friend."
Jared snorts in laughter at that and half wishes he'd been around to see Mike's 'disagreement', possibly so he could've videoed it and blackmailed him with the threat of YouTube, yeah he really wishes he'd been there for that. When he takes in Mike, still slumped on the floor, with drool clinging to his chin Jared thinks it's probably a good thing they've got the day off, Mike doesn't look like he's fully sober yet, doesn't look like he's anywhere near being sober.
He leaves Mike on the floor contemplating how to get his ass back on the couch, and grabs some black bin bags from the kitchen. Sure he knows Chris will come round later to help out but he's just got too much nervous energy right now and he needs to do something to stop himself from dialling Jensen's number and freaking out, or worse driving to Jensen's to get his hands on that body again. Yeah, tidying up, keeping busy, good damn idea.
"Stop moving so fast, you're hurting my head." Mike moans. Having finally managed to make it to the sofa, he flings himself back into the cushions and Jared thinks he makes a pretty good drama queen. "Why are you even up at- what time is it?" He looks over at the clock "-10AM!" Mike throws his arm over his eyes in disgust. "Why the hell are you cleaning at 10am? Why the hell have you woken me up to clean at 10am? You are supposed to be drunk enough to sleep the whole day away. That's the rule."
Jared just chuckles bottles clinking as he throws them in the black bag, enjoying the way Mike winces every time they bang together.
"I couldn't sleep." Jared concedes, his dreams had been filled with Jensen, again, only maybe a whole lot steamier than usual after the incident in his bedroom last night, every time he'd closed his eyes he'd been able to see Jensen on his knees in front of him, looking up at him with eyes blown wide with lust and it was starting to make Jared a little crazy. "Thought I'd get a start on the cleaning." He doesn't add that he just needed something to do, something to occupy himself, so he didn't go molest one of their mutual friends.
Mike peeps out at Jared from behind the arm he has pressed against his face and fixes a somewhat serious look on his face. "You okay JT?"
Jared would love nothing more than to pour his heart out to Mike right now, but he can't really use his hypothetical situation anymore, he can't explain what's happened with Jensen to Mike without really explaining it all and that's not an option right now. He could call Sandy, really he should call Sandy, she's already going to be pissed about all the stuff he didn't call her about. But, it's just, he'd love to speak to another guy about the whole situation. You see in Jared's experience Sandy has this annoying habit of romanticising things and Jared's pretty sure he just needs the hard hitting truth. Still, Mike can't be that guy, maybe he could call Chad, although fat lot of good Chad would likely be, he'd just tell Jared to stop being a pussy.
"Yeah I'm good man, just an early bird. You can crash up stairs you know? You want some aspirin?" Jared's getting good at brushing off questions he doesn't want to answer, it's a skill he's picked up and honed the last few years, to stop people prying into his life further than he's comfortable with. Mike doesn't mention it, just looks at him thoughtfully for a minute as if he is going to say something but then he just nods and follows Jared into the kitchen thinking better about whatever it was he was thinking of saying and Jared's grateful for that, he's ruined enough friendships because he didn't want to be as open as his friends had wanted him to be.
When Mike takes up his offer of a bed and leaves to crash in the spare room, Jared's thankful for the space. He sits down heavily on the sofa, head resting in one hand, the other thumbing through his contacts, hovering over Jensen's number. But that'd be lame, or presumptuous to text him or call him, yeah, and he talks himself out of it thumbing down to Sandy's number.
The phone rings twice before she picks it up and Jared can hear the sunny smile in her voice as it comes rumbling down the line.
"Jare! I saw the match last night, tell me you're not sulking."
Jared almost laughs because in truth he'd forgotten all about the game, about how abysmal he'd played, at the moment it's the least of his worries. When he'd had a game like that at college he'd sulked for days until Sandy would turn up at his place beer and DVDs and she'd pull him out of his slump with laughter and really corny rom-coms. She's the one thing he truly misses about Vermont, he really wishes he could just have her here, but she's got another year of her degree left and it would be really selfish to ask her to give that up for him, she's already given up too much. And Jared knows that if he asked, she really would, he's pretty sure there's nothing she wouldn't do for him and he feels pretty much the same.
"I'm fine." Jared tells her, because in terms of hockey he is.
"And why don't I believe that?" She teases and it's the same tone his mum used to use and it makes his heart ache something fierce.
"Can we talk?" He asks, and he doesn't like the way his voice shakes a little as the emotion of that memory gets the better of him. It doesn't hurt all the time now, not like it did in the beginning, but there are moments when something reminds him and the pain just comes rushing back.
"What is it?" Sandy asks her voice gentle and it isn't helping Jared, but he takes a deep breath, clears his throat and pushes all that back, he's got enough to deal with right now, without having a meltdown.
"So, something kind of happened with Jensen." Jared grits out and listens as Sandy squeals down the line at him, well it's not like he really needed his eardrums anyway.
"What? What happened, spill!" Sandy demands and Jared is talking away, telling Sandy about Chris's party and Joe and then Jensen and then he tells her about the gym and him kissing Jensen and the week that followed where they just didn't speak. Jared's always felt a little awkward talking about his sex life with Sandy, hell, with anyone, he just doesn't like to go into details, makes him feel awkward so even though he can't see her he still blushes and stammers down the phone as he talks about last night.
"And now I'm freaking out because what do I do now Sands? I know he said that we should do this again but what if he didn't mean it, we'd drunk quite a bit. I can't do it again Sandy. I can't. Should I call? Is it too soon to call? Or I could just drop round for some reason right? What reason? I could-"
Jared knows he's rambling can't keep the words from nervously falling from his mouth, oh god, he's a sap.
"-Jare." Sandy's voice is full of understanding. "Breathe. Hun, you don't do anything, yet, at least not today. You need to let Jensen make the next move or at least give him the chance to. Besides if he doesn't drop round or call today, you'll see him tomorrow right? Training."
Jared hums in approval, he could do that right, he could wait for Jensen to turn up or call. But then what if he doesn't, what if Jared turns up to training tomorrow and it's the same as always?
"But what if-" He tries to voice his concerns to Sandy.
"No. He's not gonna do that, he said he wanted it to happen again right? And he never said that the other times yeah? From what I can tell he isn't the kind of guy to say things he doesn't mean."
Jared feels decidedly better by the time he gets off the phone, he also feels decidedly worse. Sandy's words and his own feelings have pushed him to believe that this time is different that Jensen isn't just gonna brush it off like he did, but still, he's got this niggling feeling in the back of his mind, because that still doesn't tell him what this is.
"Jesus are you still pacing?" Mike groans from the doorway. "What's got you so worked up JT?"
"Nothing." Jared grits out. He's working off his nervous energy by cleaning every inch of the kitchen.
Mike opens his mouth and Jared knows he's gonna have to think of something to tell Mike about but then he hears a shout from the front of the house, the front door opening then banging closed causing Mike to press a hand to his head and wince and Jared can honestly say he's never been so happy to see Chris in his life.
"Mikey!" Chris greets loudly, strolling easily into the kitchen earning a punch to the side from Mike, which Chris only chuckles at.
"Aw, is someone feeling a little delicate today?" Chris teases, earning a grin from Jared and a scowl from Mike. "I came to help tidy, but it seems I'm not needed."
The scowl vanishes as a smile works its way over Mike's face and it puzzles Jared. "JT was trying to keep himself busy."
"No I wasn't, I just couldn't sleep." Jared lies and Mike merely snorts at him sharing a look with Chris that has his face blooming into a smile and Jared feels like there's something going on here that he doesn't know. It's like joining the middle of a conversation and having no point of reference.
"We should have parties here more often if I don't have to do any clean up." Chris jokes looking round the now very tidy home and Mike and Chris don't bring up whatever it was they were talking about and Jared feels like he should be annoyed but then the conversation shifts to last night and who hooked up with whom and who Chris is gonna give shit for the rest of the season and Jared forgets all about it.
They spend the afternoon on the back porch looking over the garden, still wildly overgrown, he's going to get to it, soon, he really is. When Chris leaves Mike tags along with him and Jared's left in the eerie quiet, but it's nice, if a little lonely.
A house like this, he realises, needs people and family, a little like himself, he thinks maybe Sandy is right, maybe he should get himself a dog. There's a rescue place he drives past on the way into Boston and every time he does he has to stop himself from pulling over and going in for a look because he knows he won't come out without at least one more member to his family.
A dog would love the garden, he thinks, it would chase through the grass that reaches his knees, it would dig in the flower beds and find hidden treasures to bring back to him. He's going to stop in when he next has a few days off together and maybe a run of home games and he should probably look into that dog sitting thing Sandy talked about before he does anything though.
But still, it would be nice, to come home and find that kind of unconditional love only an animal can give waiting for him. His own little family.
As the sun begins to set his anxiety sets in again because there's still no word from Jensen, no phone call, no visit and the longer it goes on the more he begins to question that Jensen really meant those words.
When his phone buzzes on the working top Jared nearly collides with the table in his haste to pick up it up, instead jarring his hip and he's breathless from the pain when he answers, having already seen the caller id, he knows it's Jensen.
"Hello." Jared breathes heart beating so damn fast.
"Hey Jay." Jensen answers and there's a moment where Jared thinks maybe he should say something, he should say something right? If only he could find his words, luckily Jensen speaks again before he has to. "You... Err. You wanna come round?"
"Yes." He blurts out before he can a hold of himself. Then he stops before his mouth runs embarrassingly away with itself and takes a breath. He can do this, he can act cool and calm. "Sure when did you fancy."
Jared glances at the clock, it's already half eight.
"Whenever you want man." Jensen says and Jared has to take another breath to stop himself just jumping in the car and driving there right this minute.
"Okay, I've got a couple if things to handle here and then I'll head over." Jared hears himself say, yeah that works.
"Okay." Jensen's voice seems to light up with the word as though he was maybe unsure before and Jared feels strangely happy because now he knows he wasn't the only one sitting in the 'question-every-damn-word-I-ever-say' boat. Why didn't he realise Jensen was right there with him too? "I'll see you in a few then yeah, Jay?"
Jared tells Jensen yeah sure he'll be there, before hanging up the phone and staring at his hands. He sits like that for at least ten minutes, just wondering what the hell to do next, he doesn't have any things he needs to sort, nothing at all, that had pretty much been a lie.
The drive to Jensen's is short and Jared thinks maybe he should've walked, that would've wasted more time. He pulls into a parking spot outside Jensen's apartment, stills the engine and just waits. There's a song on the radio, a woman singing about loneliness and fear and a restless hope, it's pretty apt for how he's feeling right now. After a good twenty minutes Jared decides he really can't just sit and wait here any longer and he climbs out of the car.
His heart races as his fist falls on the door, a simple knock of knuckles on wood and he waits. He'd been so damn excited when Jensen had called, but as the hour since that call drags on, through the drive and the sitting and climbing the stairs, his mind's had too long to plot about all the ways this isn't what he hopes.
But then Jensen swings the door open wide, smile blooming across that perfect face at the sight of Jared in the doorway and it all just floats away, that anxiety, that fear, it's just gone because he's looking at Jensen, beautiful Jensen. God he loves him. And then that anxiety is building for a completely different reason, love? No, it isn't love yet Jared tells himself, it's just a little infatuation. Sure it is. Nowhere near love.
"Thought you were gonna change your mind." Jensen smiles at him and Jared looks back, puzzled, he never gave that indication, did he?
"Your car." Jensen starts, stepping back to make room for Jared to walk inside. He's been here before, but somehow, this time, it's different. "Saw you pull up. Figured you were talking yourself out of it."
Jared doesn't have words for that, because all he feels is extreme embarrassment at the fact that Jensen knew he was out there, cowering. He just sits heavily on the couch and leans his head back with a sigh. So much for not looking like an idiot.
"You want a beer?" Jensen asks whilst heading into the kitchen and Jared shouts out a yes.
Jensen hands Jared a beer before sitting down on the sofa next to him. The TV is on, a football match but Jared hasn't got a clue who's playing because Jensen is right there, and sure he's been that close before but not since this thing actually started. Jensen shifts and their thighs brush and Jared has to stop himself from jumping at the contact. They sit like that watching the match or well, Jared thinks Jensen probably watches, but Jared's too hyperaware of Jensen to care. They don't really talk and Jared starts to feel slightly uncomfortable when the silence drags on into an infomercial and he feels the need to fill it.
"Chris stopped round earlier. I'd pretty much already tidied up, which I now realise is an error on my part because he'll keep offering my place for parties if I do all the clean up." Once Jared opens his mouth he can't seem to stop the words from tumbling out. He knows he's rambling. "You should've seen Mike this morning too. The guy must've been wasted, found him on my couch and he bitched about me waking him up at ass o'clock in the morning. What does the guy expect when he crashes on the sofa when there are perfectly good beds upstairs. Oh yeah about that, he said that he had a disagreement with the stairs. I swear he's-"
Jensen's hand runs across Jared's thigh and his mouth abruptly stops it's embarrassing flow of words. He turns to finally look at Jensen, sees his mouth upturned in a smile, the kind that you give to small children and Jared ducks his head. Jensen's hand is still on his thigh, thumb moving in a lazy motion which is making Jared hot all over.
Jared finds the courage to look back at Jensen face flush with embarrassment and a building lust, he opens his mouth, to let out another stream of babble or to apologise, he's not sure. But then Jensen's slowly leaning in, he pauses a breath away, eyes locked and Jared's breath hitches.
It' a gentle brush of lips, so different from any kiss they've ever shared before and it melts Jared's heart. Jensen's mouth works against his, slowly slipping his tongue into Jared's mouth and he's surrounded by taste, beer and chips and something that Jared's coming to realise is purely Jensen. It lights a fire in his blood and he shifts closer, needing to feel Jensen against him.
It's as if Jensen was waiting for that, for that acceptance from Jared because as he scoots closer, Jensen's fingers dig into his thigh and it shifts from to gentle and slow to hot and fast and Jensen's mouth is attacking him as if he can't get enough and Jared's right there, tongue tangling, teeth nipping and a groan rips from Jared's throat.
It's too fast, Jared's brain screams, his body wants this, it wants Jensen's teeth on his jaw like that, it wants those hands working underneath his t-shirt, god yes it wants them. But Jared's been working himself up over this since yesterday and he needs to know what this is. Regretfully he pulls back, breath coming fast and searches for words.
Jensen's looking at him thoughtfully face flush too. A sparkle of desire in his eyes.
"Should we... Can we, talk about this?" Jared doesn't like the way his voice shakes, he doesn't want Jensen to see how shaky he is about this. Jensen's teeth start working along his jaw again and Jared tries pushing him back. "Like what is this? What are we doing?"
Jensen's fingertips tease down Jared's arm, body flush against Jared's side, damn that's distracting.
"You don't want to?" Jared asks, when Jensen just sits there. Jared feels Jensen's shrug, if he hasn't said it before he really hates that damn shrug, then the rush of warm breath across the back of his neck as Jensen sighs.
"It's just. I want you. You want me. It's just sex. It's simple." Jensen doesn't meet Jared's eye as he says that and Jared's thankful because he's not sure he can hide the dejected look on his face as his stomach drops.
"Oh." He lets out. Just sex he repeats to himself, just sex, it's becoming a mantra in his mind, as if somehow the more he hears it, thinks it, the more it'll get it through to him. But it doesn't, the words just seem to lose all meaning, and there's an ache in his chest that he won't quite admit to. Jensen made him no promises, it had just been an offer for more of the same, but he'd thought, maybe... fool. He's been a goddamn fool again. This is just, this is friends with benefits he realises. He can do this right? Sure he can. Yeah... There's really no way he can do this.
Jensen's still plastered against him, teeth teasing at his ear, and Jared knows he should go, he should get out of here, and this, before he lets himself fall any deeper.
"I should go, you know, practise tomorrow and it's late." It's a lame excuse, it's half-hearted, and there really isn't any conviction behind the way he gritted out the words because he really doesn't want to go and miss out on this, but he has to try to salvage some portion of his self respect.
"Hm-hmm." Jensen hums against his skin, spreading his palm across Jared's stomach, fingers dangerously close to the waistband of Jared's jeans, and despite his words Jared isn't pulling away, because this is Jensen and Jensen wants him and it's tempting to just take this, to just accept what he can get, Jensen is so damn tempting, and really how can he turn this down? How can he turn down the answering need building in his gut, in his heart? Still, he needs to stop this, why isn't he stopping this.
"Just let me, first." Jensen says fingers inching down sliding beneath his jeans, his boxers and his hand's enveloping Jared and any protest Jared could muster is lost as lets lose a moan that rises in the back of his throat, because that's good, that's so good. There's no hesitation in the way Jensen touches him, it's rough and it's sure and it's just enough pressure to make Jared want to scream and those last defences he's struggling to hold come crumbling down, because damn if he doesn't want this. He's lying to himself about a lot of things, but he really can't about that.
Jensen presses kisses behind Jared's ear, then his lips devour the curve of Jared's throat, all while his hand mercilessly works Jared, who's head falls back, groan tipping from his mouth and any thoughts of leaving are long gone, there's no other thoughts than holy hell and more please more.
Jensen's whispering in his ear about how good he's going to make him feel. "Can't wait to be inside you Jay, gonna be so good, gonna make you feel so damn good." And Jared nearly loses it right then and there, back bowing off the couch, muscles tense. Jensen knowingly grips the base of Jared's cock to reign Jared in before it's too late and Jared lets out a moan that he's not sure is in thanks or frustration. His mind is a haze of lust and need and he can't comprehend what's happening as Jensen pulls on his hand dragging him up off the sofa towards the back of the apartment .
"Off." Jensen demands, when his fingers curl in to the hem of Jared's t-shirt, dragging it up to reveal skin, miles of sun-kissed skin. Jared jars his hip on the door frame as Jensen pushes him backwards into the bedroom, whilst still wrestling Jared's t-shirt up over his head and then Jared's legs hit the bed and he's tumbling back onto the soft mattress as Jensen follows him down. Jared doesn't have time to take in any details of Jensen's room, his attention being completely focused on Jensen as he drags Jared's jeans and boxers down his long legs and off and Jared suddenly feels very underdressed sitting there in his birthday suit whilst Jensen is still fully clothed. Jared thinks he should be scared by the predatory look Jensen sends him as he takes in Jared's completely naked body.
"Your turn." Jared says, trying to quell the sudden burst of nervousness he feels at Jensen's appraisal, before reaching out for Jensen's t-shirt and he's surprised at how his voice sounds low and rough and like he can't quite get enough air but he has little time to dwell on how embarrassing that should be as Jensen grips the back of his own t-shirt pulling it over his head and then Jensen's chest is right there in front of Jared and Jared can't help leaning forward, drawn in by the smatter of freckles, can't stop himself from indulging and trying to press kisses to each one. He's so full of Jensen's taste and Jared's never wanted anything more.
Jared groans in protest when Jensen's body leaves his. Opening his eyes he smiles when he sees deft fingers unbuttoning trousers and the sound of the teeth of a zipper pulling apart is music to his ears. He can't do anything but stare when Jensen is standing there in just his boxers, he feels himself drawn forward by some invisible force and reaches out for the last scraps of material between them, but Jensen just bats his hand away and Jared feels a growl build deep in his throat that doesn't quite make it out, gets stuck and he nearly chokes on it as Jensen strips out of his boxers, because holy hell Jensen's naked!
It's not the first time Jared's seen Jensen naked, he'd thought, at twenty two, that Jensen was hot, thought he'd never see a body like that again but now Jensen's twenty-four and two years with the NHL have only made Jensen's body leaner, harder and Jared is stunned by the man standing before him, stoking the fire in his blood. He's even more stunned because he gets to have him.
He wants to savour it, this moment, just for a minute, he wants to remember this feeling, of contentment, of elation, because he's getting what he wanted. The moment's over too soon as Jensen's moves over him reaching for the bedside table, rooting around in the draw. Jensen sinks down into Jared, jostles his hips making his cock slide against Jared and Jared's lost in the feel of skin against skin, he's close, just a little more friction is all it would take. As much as he wants that, as much as he's chasing his release he wants Jensen to be inside him when it happens. He groans, mumbles when Jensen does nothing more than grind against him, and Jensen shushes him with his lips. It's a rough clash of teeth and tongue and Jared still needs more.
He reaches for Jensen, curls his fingers around his thick length and is pleased as he feels the air of a stuttered breath against his face. He did that. He grips Jensen tight, twists his hand as he slides it up and down. When he looks up Jensen's watching him, pupils blown wide with lust, his eyes drop to Jared's lips and Jensen groans. "I wanna fuck your dirty little mouth. Wanna know what it feels like when you make those hot little sounds of yours around my cock." Jared's hand stutters on Jensen's cock and Jensen chuckles as he buries his face in the warmth and heady smell of Jared's neck. "You want that?" Jensen asks and they both know by the way Jared's hips jerk and his breath heaves that it doesn't really need an answer. "Not this time." Jensen says and Jared has to bite back a whine, but given the smirk playing across Jensen's face he knows he didn't fully succeed.
The last of the whine dies in his throat as he hears the tell tale sound of a cap snapping open, watches as Jensen squirts lube onto two fingers and Jared spreads his thighs a little wider. He breathes deep with anticipation as Jensen settles between his legs, one hand stroking up the inside of his thigh and then he feels the first finger push, gentle but sure, inside him. He tries to control his body as he feels Jensen pull back before pushing forward again.
He mewls beneath Jensen as he feels the burn of second finger entering him. And he loves it. He loves this, loves the care a lover takes opening him for sex, loves the way Jensen's fingers scissor inside him, the stretch of his rim, loves the way his body bows as Jensen curls his fingers just right and hits that spot that has Jared seeing stars.
He doesn't realise he's speaking, doesn't realise that god yes, fuck, more more more, please, is falling from his lips until Jensen shushes him.
"Soon." Jensen drawls and Jared's not sure he can last that long, not sure he'll make it, but then the stretch is suddenly more as Jensen adds another finger and his mind is lost in a whirlwind of pleasure. His eyes close as his hips buck uncontrollably beneath Jensen. He thinks he might hear Jensen mutter "Fuck you're tight." but he's too lost to care.
Jared's panting, begging now. "Please Jen, oh God please." Not sure if he's pleading for Jensen to make it stop, push him over the edge, or draw out this delirium forever. He doesn't care how needy he sounds, doesn't care about anything but the sensation Jensen is creating inside of him. But then Jensen's fingers are gone leaving him feeling empty.
Jared's mouth waters as he hears Jensen rip a foil packet open, watches as he rolls it over himself, before slicking his cock with one hand, the other grazing over the smooth hard flesh of Jared's stomach. When Jared arches up into the caress, Jensen pushes Jared forcefully down, pinning his hips to the mattress.
Despite the prep, it still burns as Jensen pushes the head of his cock past the first tight ring of muscle of Jared's ass and Jared lets out a distressed whimper, closing his eyes against the intrusion. It's been a while, a long while since he's done this. Jensen just stills his movements, hand rubbing back and forth over Jared's stomach, a gentle soothing motion.
"You're doing so good Jay." Jensen praises, as he starts to push forward again, and though Jared still feels beyond full it's easier. "Opening right up for me."
It's a slow agonising glide before he feels Jensen's hips against his and Jared lets out a stuttered breath. Jensen becomes still again giving Jared a chance to adjust, then starts little rocking motions that are driving Jared insane, because it's nowhere near enough. Jared opens his eyes to look at Jensen and is surprised by what he finds, if he didn't know better he'd think Jensen looks a little rattled, a little uncertain, like he's not quite sure about this whole thing. The spark of lust in Jensen's eyes is reignited as Jared grips Jensen's hips and pulls him harder against himself. This time his whimper is purely pleasure.
It's like that movement, that one touch breaks the control Jensen has been clinging to and he pulls back before thrusting hard and deep inside Jared. Jared tries to match the slow forceful thrusts but Jensen's got both of his hands on Jared's hips now.
"You're fucking killing me." Jensen groans out as his hips move a little faster. Jared lifts his legs, wraps them around Jensen's back in the hope of getting some damn leverage, but Jensen never falters from this infuriating rhythm or loosens his tight hold on Jared's body. Jared twists beneath Jensen and the change of angle has Jared crying out.
"There. Fuck. Jesus. Fuck. Right there." He's not sure what the rest of his mumbling comes out as, a plea for Jensen to never to stop, to keep hitting that spot maybe, because it's lighting Jared up inside, it's coiling his muscles tight and he's close he's so close, and he's chasing it, so close to falling, but it's not enough, how is it not enough, he needs something, he needs more.
"Please." He begs and he's not sure he can make Jensen understand that this is torture, this level of pleasure is fucking torture. Jensen's mouth crashes down on Jared's, his tongue fucking into Jared's mouth just like his dick and Jared's pleas for more are lost in the assault. Jared keens through the kiss as he feels a hand leave his hip, move between their bodies slick with sweat and grip Jared tight. Jensen tugs once, twice and that's all it takes as Jared cries out, spilling all over Jensen's hand and their stomachs.
Jared locks his thighs tight around Jensen as he rides it out, as the waves of pleasure crash over him and Jensen's thrusts become more erratic inside him and the pleasure is only spiked higher, his body quaking as he feels Jensen tense, push forward so deep one last time before he buries his face in Jared's neck and cries out as he comes. "Fucking hell Jared." Jensen grunts into Jared's skin. "Jesus fucking Christ!"
Jensen's full weight comes crashing down on Jared and Jared's too fucked out to care. They lie like that breaths heaving, Jensen still buried deep inside Jared, for what seems like forever, but it's still not long enough. Jared winces as Jensen pulls out flops to the side next to him and he feels really fucking empty.
The room smells of sweat and sex and now that the connection is gone, the feeling of Jensen still being inside him, Jared's mind is slowly waking up again and he feels unsure of what's next. It's awkward, or at least he feels it is, the silence that hangs between them, the one that was there before, that started all this. Maybe it's companionable but it's just giving Jared too much time to think. He's not sure if he should leave, if he should stay, if he'd even be welcome to stay. Or maybe Jensen will just fall asleep and then he should go. If Jensen was touching him, if he had an arm over his body or something, or Jared had one over him, then maybe this would be more comfortable. But they just lay there looking up at the ceiling, at least Jared is and yeah this is damn awkward.
Jensen's words from earlier float back into his mind, just sex, he'd said, of course he should be leaving. Jared grits his teeth, fists clenching, body tense, he shouldn't feel like this after a release like that, and maybe Jensen senses Jared's discomfort because he finally breaks the silence.
"Thought you were going?"
And Jared wants to punch him, hell he wants to punch himself, because that shouldn't hurt, that shouldn't feel like rejection. He can't look at Jensen as he struggles to find his boxers, his jeans, he's covered in his own come and he feels dirty, why does he feel dirty? He's never felt like that after sex, except maybe that first time, with Jensen, when he'd woken the next day to an empty bed and the realisation that he was just a lay and really how is this any different. It might even be worse. He worries his bottom lip with his teeth as he slides his boxers on. Why isn't he speaking, where did his voice run off to, this is so awkward.
"I didn't mean you had to go Jay." The silence finally breaks and Jensen's voice is quiet, hesitant, and Jared isn't quite sure what to make of it. "You just said... before... that you should... and I thought... but you could - can stay."
Jared spots his jeans, legs sticking out from under the bed and he grabs them, steps into them as Jensen speaks. His heart feels like it's on a roller coaster, it soars as Jensen finishes those words, as he realises Jensen wants him to stay but Jen's other words are still echoing in his head, just sex. If Jared stays it's going to make him want to be here, not just tonight, not just for the sex, but for more. He should have left earlier he realises, it would have been easier, it would have been better. He needs some distance now, to decide if he can do this with Jensen, just this, and no feelings, he's never been that kind of guy. For Jensen he finds himself wanting to be. And he knows, he knows he's already screwed.
Clearing his throat, Jared pulls his shirt over his head. "No you're right I should go, we've both got an early start tomorrow and a busy week." He tries to keep his voice light, tries to make the smile believable.
Jensen rises from the bed, pulls on a pair of boxers and walks Jared to the door. It's never been weird like this between them, even when they didn't like each other, not that they do now, wait, do they like each other now? "I'll um, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, tomorrow man."
He doesn't notice the hint of disappointment in Jensen's voice nor does he look back to see the disillusioned look on Jensen's face as the door slams.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jensen's quiet when he picks Chris up, it isn't uncharacteristic for Jensen to just sit and listen but usually he does at least listen. It takes Chris to say his name three times for him to realise that Chris was asking something and he hasn't got a clue what or what the hell Chris has been babbling on about for the last twenty minutes.
"I'm a dick." Jensen groans out to Chris, for ignoring his friend because he's stuck in his head but also, mainly for the way he treated Jared.
"Well that's nothing I didn't already know." Chris' laugh earns him a jab to the ribs from Jensen.
"I'm being serious here man." Jensen sighs and Chris turns his full attention to him spreads out his arms as if to say lay it on me.
"I think I fucked up. Jared asked me what this thing was and I said just sex." Jensen bangs his head on the steering wheel as they stop at the lights. He hadn't meant to say that to Chris, to just let it all out, he hadn't meant to say it to Jared, it had just been knee-jerk reaction and if he's honest he'd been scared.
He'd been scared to tell Jared he wanted something more in case it had sent the other man running for the hills. How can he live up to Jared, how? He's not out like Jared is and he's not sure he's ready to be. He's not ashamed of his sexuality, he's not ashamed to say he's into guys, he's not even scared of how it will affect his career. He just, he doesn't want the intrusion, if he says he's gay then suddenly people will think they have the right to ask about it, about his social life and how it affects him, in a way they wouldn't if he was straight. He's seen it, in that interview with Jared. And he just, he just doesn't know if he can deal with that without going crazy. So yeah, seriously why would Jared ever want anything more with him when Jared's just so together and he's just so... not.
"Yeah you're a dick. You need to tell him."
"Tell him what?" Jensen says as if he hasn't got a clue what Chris is gonna say, of course he knows, he knows Chris too well not to know. Chris just heaves an exasperated sigh his way.
"That you pretty much worship the ground he walks on and you want to live your life together." Jensen chokes on his own spit, because knowing what's coming in a general term and actually hearing Chris say the words are two completely different things.
"I don't." He blurts out, another knee-jerk reaction. It's a denial that neither believes. "Besides he wasn't bothered, he left before the sheets were even cold after we had sex."
And that Jensen realises, is the real problem right now, because sure he'd been the one to say it but Jared, Jared had just agreed to it and damn if that doesn't sting.
"Whoa, you finally stopped pussy footing around each other?" Chris grins.
"That's what you took from that?" Jensen asks in disbelief.
"What, you told the guy it was just sex right? Of course he was gonna leave after it was over. Sex doesn't include cuddling Jenny." Chris laughs as Jensen pulls into a parking space and Jensen scowls, is that it? Is it his fault Jared just took off? He looks around the parking lot, sees Jared's car a couple of spaces down and he realises he's about to see Jared, there's this weird fluttering in his chest and he doesn't really want to dwell on it, tugs open his door and flees the car, but the feeling merely follows.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Exhaustion hits Jared as soon as he parks the car outside his house. It's been a long day, a long day of seeing Jensen and not letting himself touch, despite how much he craves it. Jensen had been on his best behaviour as well, not seeming affected by what had happened between them at all, except for the fact that he is now speaking to Jared again when they're in public, so that's a good thing. Right?
It isn't just the long day though, it's the restless night he'd had after he'd made his way home from Jensen's. He'd tossed and turned and cursed and maybe indulged in a few tears, not that he'd admit it.
It's the same the next night, lying awake worrying about Jensen and thinking it all through in his mind and falling asleep as the sun creeps through his window without working anything new out. He tells himself he should cut his losses, tell Jensen it was nice, but this isn't what he's looking for. He should. But he know he won't. Because the thing is, Jared's pretty sure what he is looking for is Jensen, and whilst he can't have all of him, he should be happy with the little he gets.
He's surprised when he sees Mike and Chris and Jensen on his front walk on Tuesday night. The guys haven't stopped by since well, Chris' party he guesses and after everything that's happened that seems like an age ago. But despite the lapse in visits, they slip easily into the old routine, beers out on the porch, Jensen telling stories about Chris' band days.
"I really need to hear you play sometime." Jared says, and he means it, he'd like to see that side of Chris.
"Thought I saw you had a guitar?" Jensen asks and Jared blushes because that guitar is in his bedroom, and he doesn't want to have to explain how Jensen knows that. Thankfully the guys don't mention it and Jared just makes a hasty retreat inside.
Once in his room, he runs his fingers over the battered instrument and wonders if he can really let Chris play it, it's been a good four maybe five years since it's held a tune. Stupid, he thinks as he lifts it delicately, afraid it might fall to dust between his finger tips, stupid because it should be played, what's the point in keeping the damn thing if it's never used.
He doesn't give himself time to change his mind just bounds down the stairs out the front door and holds it outstretched to Chris. Jensen gives him a curious look, and Jared remembers to school is face into a smile.
"Nice." Chris says as he runs his fingers over it.
"Might need a little tuning. Hasn't been played in a while." Jared doesn't say how long, as he takes his seat again, fingers fidgeting in his lap.
Listening to Chris pluck the strings, watching his fingers tighten the pegs, twists something in his heart. It doesn't take long for Chris to tune it to his liking and Jared sees the skills of a guy who knows a thing or two about guitars. When the first few lines ring out Livin' with me, it ain't easy, but I do it every day, and sometimes even now, I wanna run away there's a country twang Jared hadn't been expecting and then the twisting turns to breaking, because Chris is good, Chris is damn good, but he isn't Jeff, he isn't Jared's brother and this is so wrong.
He doesn't think about it just stands abruptly, walks off the porch and down the front walk. There's tears stinging his eyes and he doesn't want the guys to see him like this, but he can't hold them back as they spill over. He sits in the middle of the front lawn, more like meadow, the grass reaching his shoulders, he really is going to cut it soon, listening to the thrum of the guitar, the steady pace of Chris' voice and he lets it all out.
He'd been ten when Jeff had gotten that guitar and he'd thought it was stupid, asked his brother why the hell he'd want one and Jeff had just shrugged, said that girls thought guys who played the guitar were hot as if that explained it all to Jared.
He'd endured hours of Jeff's practising, hours and hours of the same song played over and over until he thought he was going to go insane, because at the beginning, Jeff really hadn't been any good at it, he'd really kinda sucked and Jared hadn't been shy about telling him so.
He'd been thirteen when he'd finally understood what Jeff had meant. He'd seen Matt, the first guy he'd ever really crushed on, strumming away one lunch time and he'd realised how damn hot that was. He'd begged Jeff to let him play, begged and pleaded for Jeff to show him how, because he'd made up this fantasy in his mind of how being able to play was getting him one step closer to Matt. After a month of whining Jeff had finally given in, had sat him down and shown him how to play.
It never did get Jared any closer to Matt, but it did get him closer to Jeff, it was a thing they'd do, just sit and play and when Jeff had left for college, he'd given the guitar to Jared, told him it was his now, that he could mind it for him until he came home to play it with Jared again. And whenever Jared had felt lonely, wishing his brother was there, he'd pick up that guitar and play one of their songs.
It's the only thing that wasn't practical, like clothes or shoes, that he'd taken when he'd left, the only thing he couldn't bear to leave behind and he realises now, sat sobbing silently in the grass of his new house that he's been waiting for Jeff to come find him. To just sit down with him and play one more song. To tell him everything will be okay. But hearing Chris' voice behind him, he knows now that that's a dream he has to let go of. He really doesn't have a brother anymore.
The guys don't say anything when he dries his eyes and takes his seat again, but Jared doesn't miss the looks that pass between them.
"You missed your calling man." Jared manages to get out, hoping to lighten the suddenly tense mood.
"Nah." Chris denies, turning a thumb to Jensen. "But Jenny here, he definitely did."
Jared smiles at that, and it's a genuine smile that flits across his lips. "You should play something."
Jensen looks like he might protest but then Chris and Mike both shoot him a look and Jared really wishes he knew them a little better so he could understand the silent conversations the three of them seem to have. Jensen just shakes his head, accepts the guitar that Mike thrusts at him and starts to thrum the first few chords of a song that Jared doesn't recognise at first.
Jared knows he's staring as Jensen begins to sing I can feel her heart beat from a thousand miles and the heavens open every time she smiles but he just can't help himself. Jensen's shy about this Jared knows but he loves that he's comfortable enough here to try anyway, not that Jensen should be shy about it, because he's got an amazing voice. Jared's face breaks out in a grin as Chris joins in for the chorus she give me love, love, love, love, crazy love and then he doubles over in laughter as Mike joins in too, because Mike really should never sing and somehow despite Chris and Jared not being able to control their laughter and Mike just singing away, Jensen's voice is still there, his fingers still strumming and Jared suddenly feels a hell of a lot lighter than he has in a damn long time.
He still hasn't got everything figured out, doubts he really will. He's pretty much a mess. But despite that, despite everything that has happened, despite whatever might happen, he has this, he has these guys right now and he doesn't know what he did to deserve it, but he's so damn thankful.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 6) | Part 7 | Next (Part 8)
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 6) | Part 7 | Next (Part 8)
Once the buzz of alcohol and the haze of sexual satisfaction has worn off Jared slowly begins to lose his mind. He'd spent the rest of last night eyeing Jensen across the room, trying not to let on as to what had just happened in his bedroom, even though his mind was racing and all he really wanted to do was just get another taste of Jensen, in order to believe that this was real, that he hadn't just imagined the whole thing. But despite having to just stand there and pine he'd felt elated because Jensen had just blown him and then he'd been sweet and awkward afterward and Jared had liked that he'd managed to make the always in control Jensen lose just a little of his cool.
But that was last night and waking up to the bright light of day had triggered the start of a little freak out. A freak out that had Jared lying awake in the early hours of the morning, because they hadn't really talked had they, they'd just grinned like loons at each other and stuttered words. And they'd both drunk their fare share. Lying there, counting the dents in his ceiling he wonders, he worries, because Jensen doesn't exactly have the best track record does he? And that's the real problem, sure they'd both agreed they wanted to do that again, but they hadn't made plans, something concrete that Jared could cling to. And though he knows better, Jared's worried that he's going to walk into training tomorrow and Jensen will be back to his sullen, ignoring Jared, usual self. Can he really cope with that again?
His brain is overrun with possible situations, the way this could all turn to hell and he finally decides, as he glances at the clock, to drag himself out of the bed. No point lying in, burying his under the covers all day, despite how much he might like to do that right now.
Taking in his house as he descends the stairs, he groans, beer bottles and plastic cups are strewn across any and all available surfaces. So much for Chris tidying this shit up. As he enters the living room he notices Mike sprawled across the couch, face down, arm dangling over the edge and Jared finds himself smiling as he throws an empty cup at Mike's head, watching him lazily rub his hand over the site of impact and turn in search of the source of the throw.
"Dude, uncool!" Mike groans as he notices Jared, before turning to sit up, misjudging the size of the sofa and landing squarely on his ass on the floor. Mike scowls down at the floor as if it was the floors fault he just landed there and Jared can't hold back his laughter, cracking up as Mike turns his scowl on Jared.
"That's what you get when you crash on the couch. I've got bedrooms with beds upstairs man." Jared explains shaking his head.
"Yeah, me and the stairs sorta had a little disagreement, but the sofa was my friend."
Jared snorts in laughter at that and half wishes he'd been around to see Mike's 'disagreement', possibly so he could've videoed it and blackmailed him with the threat of YouTube, yeah he really wishes he'd been there for that. When he takes in Mike, still slumped on the floor, with drool clinging to his chin Jared thinks it's probably a good thing they've got the day off, Mike doesn't look like he's fully sober yet, doesn't look like he's anywhere near being sober.
He leaves Mike on the floor contemplating how to get his ass back on the couch, and grabs some black bin bags from the kitchen. Sure he knows Chris will come round later to help out but he's just got too much nervous energy right now and he needs to do something to stop himself from dialling Jensen's number and freaking out, or worse driving to Jensen's to get his hands on that body again. Yeah, tidying up, keeping busy, good damn idea.
"Stop moving so fast, you're hurting my head." Mike moans. Having finally managed to make it to the sofa, he flings himself back into the cushions and Jared thinks he makes a pretty good drama queen. "Why are you even up at- what time is it?" He looks over at the clock "-10AM!" Mike throws his arm over his eyes in disgust. "Why the hell are you cleaning at 10am? Why the hell have you woken me up to clean at 10am? You are supposed to be drunk enough to sleep the whole day away. That's the rule."
Jared just chuckles bottles clinking as he throws them in the black bag, enjoying the way Mike winces every time they bang together.
"I couldn't sleep." Jared concedes, his dreams had been filled with Jensen, again, only maybe a whole lot steamier than usual after the incident in his bedroom last night, every time he'd closed his eyes he'd been able to see Jensen on his knees in front of him, looking up at him with eyes blown wide with lust and it was starting to make Jared a little crazy. "Thought I'd get a start on the cleaning." He doesn't add that he just needed something to do, something to occupy himself, so he didn't go molest one of their mutual friends.
Mike peeps out at Jared from behind the arm he has pressed against his face and fixes a somewhat serious look on his face. "You okay JT?"
Jared would love nothing more than to pour his heart out to Mike right now, but he can't really use his hypothetical situation anymore, he can't explain what's happened with Jensen to Mike without really explaining it all and that's not an option right now. He could call Sandy, really he should call Sandy, she's already going to be pissed about all the stuff he didn't call her about. But, it's just, he'd love to speak to another guy about the whole situation. You see in Jared's experience Sandy has this annoying habit of romanticising things and Jared's pretty sure he just needs the hard hitting truth. Still, Mike can't be that guy, maybe he could call Chad, although fat lot of good Chad would likely be, he'd just tell Jared to stop being a pussy.
"Yeah I'm good man, just an early bird. You can crash up stairs you know? You want some aspirin?" Jared's getting good at brushing off questions he doesn't want to answer, it's a skill he's picked up and honed the last few years, to stop people prying into his life further than he's comfortable with. Mike doesn't mention it, just looks at him thoughtfully for a minute as if he is going to say something but then he just nods and follows Jared into the kitchen thinking better about whatever it was he was thinking of saying and Jared's grateful for that, he's ruined enough friendships because he didn't want to be as open as his friends had wanted him to be.
When Mike takes up his offer of a bed and leaves to crash in the spare room, Jared's thankful for the space. He sits down heavily on the sofa, head resting in one hand, the other thumbing through his contacts, hovering over Jensen's number. But that'd be lame, or presumptuous to text him or call him, yeah, and he talks himself out of it thumbing down to Sandy's number.
The phone rings twice before she picks it up and Jared can hear the sunny smile in her voice as it comes rumbling down the line.
"Jare! I saw the match last night, tell me you're not sulking."
Jared almost laughs because in truth he'd forgotten all about the game, about how abysmal he'd played, at the moment it's the least of his worries. When he'd had a game like that at college he'd sulked for days until Sandy would turn up at his place beer and DVDs and she'd pull him out of his slump with laughter and really corny rom-coms. She's the one thing he truly misses about Vermont, he really wishes he could just have her here, but she's got another year of her degree left and it would be really selfish to ask her to give that up for him, she's already given up too much. And Jared knows that if he asked, she really would, he's pretty sure there's nothing she wouldn't do for him and he feels pretty much the same.
"I'm fine." Jared tells her, because in terms of hockey he is.
"And why don't I believe that?" She teases and it's the same tone his mum used to use and it makes his heart ache something fierce.
"Can we talk?" He asks, and he doesn't like the way his voice shakes a little as the emotion of that memory gets the better of him. It doesn't hurt all the time now, not like it did in the beginning, but there are moments when something reminds him and the pain just comes rushing back.
"What is it?" Sandy asks her voice gentle and it isn't helping Jared, but he takes a deep breath, clears his throat and pushes all that back, he's got enough to deal with right now, without having a meltdown.
"So, something kind of happened with Jensen." Jared grits out and listens as Sandy squeals down the line at him, well it's not like he really needed his eardrums anyway.
"What? What happened, spill!" Sandy demands and Jared is talking away, telling Sandy about Chris's party and Joe and then Jensen and then he tells her about the gym and him kissing Jensen and the week that followed where they just didn't speak. Jared's always felt a little awkward talking about his sex life with Sandy, hell, with anyone, he just doesn't like to go into details, makes him feel awkward so even though he can't see her he still blushes and stammers down the phone as he talks about last night.
"And now I'm freaking out because what do I do now Sands? I know he said that we should do this again but what if he didn't mean it, we'd drunk quite a bit. I can't do it again Sandy. I can't. Should I call? Is it too soon to call? Or I could just drop round for some reason right? What reason? I could-"
Jared knows he's rambling can't keep the words from nervously falling from his mouth, oh god, he's a sap.
"-Jare." Sandy's voice is full of understanding. "Breathe. Hun, you don't do anything, yet, at least not today. You need to let Jensen make the next move or at least give him the chance to. Besides if he doesn't drop round or call today, you'll see him tomorrow right? Training."
Jared hums in approval, he could do that right, he could wait for Jensen to turn up or call. But then what if he doesn't, what if Jared turns up to training tomorrow and it's the same as always?
"But what if-" He tries to voice his concerns to Sandy.
"No. He's not gonna do that, he said he wanted it to happen again right? And he never said that the other times yeah? From what I can tell he isn't the kind of guy to say things he doesn't mean."
Jared feels decidedly better by the time he gets off the phone, he also feels decidedly worse. Sandy's words and his own feelings have pushed him to believe that this time is different that Jensen isn't just gonna brush it off like he did, but still, he's got this niggling feeling in the back of his mind, because that still doesn't tell him what this is.
"Jesus are you still pacing?" Mike groans from the doorway. "What's got you so worked up JT?"
"Nothing." Jared grits out. He's working off his nervous energy by cleaning every inch of the kitchen.
Mike opens his mouth and Jared knows he's gonna have to think of something to tell Mike about but then he hears a shout from the front of the house, the front door opening then banging closed causing Mike to press a hand to his head and wince and Jared can honestly say he's never been so happy to see Chris in his life.
"Mikey!" Chris greets loudly, strolling easily into the kitchen earning a punch to the side from Mike, which Chris only chuckles at.
"Aw, is someone feeling a little delicate today?" Chris teases, earning a grin from Jared and a scowl from Mike. "I came to help tidy, but it seems I'm not needed."
The scowl vanishes as a smile works its way over Mike's face and it puzzles Jared. "JT was trying to keep himself busy."
"No I wasn't, I just couldn't sleep." Jared lies and Mike merely snorts at him sharing a look with Chris that has his face blooming into a smile and Jared feels like there's something going on here that he doesn't know. It's like joining the middle of a conversation and having no point of reference.
"We should have parties here more often if I don't have to do any clean up." Chris jokes looking round the now very tidy home and Mike and Chris don't bring up whatever it was they were talking about and Jared feels like he should be annoyed but then the conversation shifts to last night and who hooked up with whom and who Chris is gonna give shit for the rest of the season and Jared forgets all about it.
They spend the afternoon on the back porch looking over the garden, still wildly overgrown, he's going to get to it, soon, he really is. When Chris leaves Mike tags along with him and Jared's left in the eerie quiet, but it's nice, if a little lonely.
A house like this, he realises, needs people and family, a little like himself, he thinks maybe Sandy is right, maybe he should get himself a dog. There's a rescue place he drives past on the way into Boston and every time he does he has to stop himself from pulling over and going in for a look because he knows he won't come out without at least one more member to his family.
A dog would love the garden, he thinks, it would chase through the grass that reaches his knees, it would dig in the flower beds and find hidden treasures to bring back to him. He's going to stop in when he next has a few days off together and maybe a run of home games and he should probably look into that dog sitting thing Sandy talked about before he does anything though.
But still, it would be nice, to come home and find that kind of unconditional love only an animal can give waiting for him. His own little family.
As the sun begins to set his anxiety sets in again because there's still no word from Jensen, no phone call, no visit and the longer it goes on the more he begins to question that Jensen really meant those words.
When his phone buzzes on the working top Jared nearly collides with the table in his haste to pick up it up, instead jarring his hip and he's breathless from the pain when he answers, having already seen the caller id, he knows it's Jensen.
"Hello." Jared breathes heart beating so damn fast.
"Hey Jay." Jensen answers and there's a moment where Jared thinks maybe he should say something, he should say something right? If only he could find his words, luckily Jensen speaks again before he has to. "You... Err. You wanna come round?"
"Yes." He blurts out before he can a hold of himself. Then he stops before his mouth runs embarrassingly away with itself and takes a breath. He can do this, he can act cool and calm. "Sure when did you fancy."
Jared glances at the clock, it's already half eight.
"Whenever you want man." Jensen says and Jared has to take another breath to stop himself just jumping in the car and driving there right this minute.
"Okay, I've got a couple if things to handle here and then I'll head over." Jared hears himself say, yeah that works.
"Okay." Jensen's voice seems to light up with the word as though he was maybe unsure before and Jared feels strangely happy because now he knows he wasn't the only one sitting in the 'question-every-damn-word-I-ever-say' boat. Why didn't he realise Jensen was right there with him too? "I'll see you in a few then yeah, Jay?"
Jared tells Jensen yeah sure he'll be there, before hanging up the phone and staring at his hands. He sits like that for at least ten minutes, just wondering what the hell to do next, he doesn't have any things he needs to sort, nothing at all, that had pretty much been a lie.
The drive to Jensen's is short and Jared thinks maybe he should've walked, that would've wasted more time. He pulls into a parking spot outside Jensen's apartment, stills the engine and just waits. There's a song on the radio, a woman singing about loneliness and fear and a restless hope, it's pretty apt for how he's feeling right now. After a good twenty minutes Jared decides he really can't just sit and wait here any longer and he climbs out of the car.
His heart races as his fist falls on the door, a simple knock of knuckles on wood and he waits. He'd been so damn excited when Jensen had called, but as the hour since that call drags on, through the drive and the sitting and climbing the stairs, his mind's had too long to plot about all the ways this isn't what he hopes.
But then Jensen swings the door open wide, smile blooming across that perfect face at the sight of Jared in the doorway and it all just floats away, that anxiety, that fear, it's just gone because he's looking at Jensen, beautiful Jensen. God he loves him. And then that anxiety is building for a completely different reason, love? No, it isn't love yet Jared tells himself, it's just a little infatuation. Sure it is. Nowhere near love.
"Thought you were gonna change your mind." Jensen smiles at him and Jared looks back, puzzled, he never gave that indication, did he?
"Your car." Jensen starts, stepping back to make room for Jared to walk inside. He's been here before, but somehow, this time, it's different. "Saw you pull up. Figured you were talking yourself out of it."
Jared doesn't have words for that, because all he feels is extreme embarrassment at the fact that Jensen knew he was out there, cowering. He just sits heavily on the couch and leans his head back with a sigh. So much for not looking like an idiot.
"You want a beer?" Jensen asks whilst heading into the kitchen and Jared shouts out a yes.
Jensen hands Jared a beer before sitting down on the sofa next to him. The TV is on, a football match but Jared hasn't got a clue who's playing because Jensen is right there, and sure he's been that close before but not since this thing actually started. Jensen shifts and their thighs brush and Jared has to stop himself from jumping at the contact. They sit like that watching the match or well, Jared thinks Jensen probably watches, but Jared's too hyperaware of Jensen to care. They don't really talk and Jared starts to feel slightly uncomfortable when the silence drags on into an infomercial and he feels the need to fill it.
"Chris stopped round earlier. I'd pretty much already tidied up, which I now realise is an error on my part because he'll keep offering my place for parties if I do all the clean up." Once Jared opens his mouth he can't seem to stop the words from tumbling out. He knows he's rambling. "You should've seen Mike this morning too. The guy must've been wasted, found him on my couch and he bitched about me waking him up at ass o'clock in the morning. What does the guy expect when he crashes on the sofa when there are perfectly good beds upstairs. Oh yeah about that, he said that he had a disagreement with the stairs. I swear he's-"
Jensen's hand runs across Jared's thigh and his mouth abruptly stops it's embarrassing flow of words. He turns to finally look at Jensen, sees his mouth upturned in a smile, the kind that you give to small children and Jared ducks his head. Jensen's hand is still on his thigh, thumb moving in a lazy motion which is making Jared hot all over.
Jared finds the courage to look back at Jensen face flush with embarrassment and a building lust, he opens his mouth, to let out another stream of babble or to apologise, he's not sure. But then Jensen's slowly leaning in, he pauses a breath away, eyes locked and Jared's breath hitches.
It' a gentle brush of lips, so different from any kiss they've ever shared before and it melts Jared's heart. Jensen's mouth works against his, slowly slipping his tongue into Jared's mouth and he's surrounded by taste, beer and chips and something that Jared's coming to realise is purely Jensen. It lights a fire in his blood and he shifts closer, needing to feel Jensen against him.
It's as if Jensen was waiting for that, for that acceptance from Jared because as he scoots closer, Jensen's fingers dig into his thigh and it shifts from to gentle and slow to hot and fast and Jensen's mouth is attacking him as if he can't get enough and Jared's right there, tongue tangling, teeth nipping and a groan rips from Jared's throat.
It's too fast, Jared's brain screams, his body wants this, it wants Jensen's teeth on his jaw like that, it wants those hands working underneath his t-shirt, god yes it wants them. But Jared's been working himself up over this since yesterday and he needs to know what this is. Regretfully he pulls back, breath coming fast and searches for words.
Jensen's looking at him thoughtfully face flush too. A sparkle of desire in his eyes.
"Should we... Can we, talk about this?" Jared doesn't like the way his voice shakes, he doesn't want Jensen to see how shaky he is about this. Jensen's teeth start working along his jaw again and Jared tries pushing him back. "Like what is this? What are we doing?"
Jensen's fingertips tease down Jared's arm, body flush against Jared's side, damn that's distracting.
"You don't want to?" Jared asks, when Jensen just sits there. Jared feels Jensen's shrug, if he hasn't said it before he really hates that damn shrug, then the rush of warm breath across the back of his neck as Jensen sighs.
"It's just. I want you. You want me. It's just sex. It's simple." Jensen doesn't meet Jared's eye as he says that and Jared's thankful because he's not sure he can hide the dejected look on his face as his stomach drops.
"Oh." He lets out. Just sex he repeats to himself, just sex, it's becoming a mantra in his mind, as if somehow the more he hears it, thinks it, the more it'll get it through to him. But it doesn't, the words just seem to lose all meaning, and there's an ache in his chest that he won't quite admit to. Jensen made him no promises, it had just been an offer for more of the same, but he'd thought, maybe... fool. He's been a goddamn fool again. This is just, this is friends with benefits he realises. He can do this right? Sure he can. Yeah... There's really no way he can do this.
Jensen's still plastered against him, teeth teasing at his ear, and Jared knows he should go, he should get out of here, and this, before he lets himself fall any deeper.
"I should go, you know, practise tomorrow and it's late." It's a lame excuse, it's half-hearted, and there really isn't any conviction behind the way he gritted out the words because he really doesn't want to go and miss out on this, but he has to try to salvage some portion of his self respect.
"Hm-hmm." Jensen hums against his skin, spreading his palm across Jared's stomach, fingers dangerously close to the waistband of Jared's jeans, and despite his words Jared isn't pulling away, because this is Jensen and Jensen wants him and it's tempting to just take this, to just accept what he can get, Jensen is so damn tempting, and really how can he turn this down? How can he turn down the answering need building in his gut, in his heart? Still, he needs to stop this, why isn't he stopping this.
"Just let me, first." Jensen says fingers inching down sliding beneath his jeans, his boxers and his hand's enveloping Jared and any protest Jared could muster is lost as lets lose a moan that rises in the back of his throat, because that's good, that's so good. There's no hesitation in the way Jensen touches him, it's rough and it's sure and it's just enough pressure to make Jared want to scream and those last defences he's struggling to hold come crumbling down, because damn if he doesn't want this. He's lying to himself about a lot of things, but he really can't about that.
Jensen presses kisses behind Jared's ear, then his lips devour the curve of Jared's throat, all while his hand mercilessly works Jared, who's head falls back, groan tipping from his mouth and any thoughts of leaving are long gone, there's no other thoughts than holy hell and more please more.
Jensen's whispering in his ear about how good he's going to make him feel. "Can't wait to be inside you Jay, gonna be so good, gonna make you feel so damn good." And Jared nearly loses it right then and there, back bowing off the couch, muscles tense. Jensen knowingly grips the base of Jared's cock to reign Jared in before it's too late and Jared lets out a moan that he's not sure is in thanks or frustration. His mind is a haze of lust and need and he can't comprehend what's happening as Jensen pulls on his hand dragging him up off the sofa towards the back of the apartment .
"Off." Jensen demands, when his fingers curl in to the hem of Jared's t-shirt, dragging it up to reveal skin, miles of sun-kissed skin. Jared jars his hip on the door frame as Jensen pushes him backwards into the bedroom, whilst still wrestling Jared's t-shirt up over his head and then Jared's legs hit the bed and he's tumbling back onto the soft mattress as Jensen follows him down. Jared doesn't have time to take in any details of Jensen's room, his attention being completely focused on Jensen as he drags Jared's jeans and boxers down his long legs and off and Jared suddenly feels very underdressed sitting there in his birthday suit whilst Jensen is still fully clothed. Jared thinks he should be scared by the predatory look Jensen sends him as he takes in Jared's completely naked body.
"Your turn." Jared says, trying to quell the sudden burst of nervousness he feels at Jensen's appraisal, before reaching out for Jensen's t-shirt and he's surprised at how his voice sounds low and rough and like he can't quite get enough air but he has little time to dwell on how embarrassing that should be as Jensen grips the back of his own t-shirt pulling it over his head and then Jensen's chest is right there in front of Jared and Jared can't help leaning forward, drawn in by the smatter of freckles, can't stop himself from indulging and trying to press kisses to each one. He's so full of Jensen's taste and Jared's never wanted anything more.
Jared groans in protest when Jensen's body leaves his. Opening his eyes he smiles when he sees deft fingers unbuttoning trousers and the sound of the teeth of a zipper pulling apart is music to his ears. He can't do anything but stare when Jensen is standing there in just his boxers, he feels himself drawn forward by some invisible force and reaches out for the last scraps of material between them, but Jensen just bats his hand away and Jared feels a growl build deep in his throat that doesn't quite make it out, gets stuck and he nearly chokes on it as Jensen strips out of his boxers, because holy hell Jensen's naked!
It's not the first time Jared's seen Jensen naked, he'd thought, at twenty two, that Jensen was hot, thought he'd never see a body like that again but now Jensen's twenty-four and two years with the NHL have only made Jensen's body leaner, harder and Jared is stunned by the man standing before him, stoking the fire in his blood. He's even more stunned because he gets to have him.
He wants to savour it, this moment, just for a minute, he wants to remember this feeling, of contentment, of elation, because he's getting what he wanted. The moment's over too soon as Jensen's moves over him reaching for the bedside table, rooting around in the draw. Jensen sinks down into Jared, jostles his hips making his cock slide against Jared and Jared's lost in the feel of skin against skin, he's close, just a little more friction is all it would take. As much as he wants that, as much as he's chasing his release he wants Jensen to be inside him when it happens. He groans, mumbles when Jensen does nothing more than grind against him, and Jensen shushes him with his lips. It's a rough clash of teeth and tongue and Jared still needs more.
He reaches for Jensen, curls his fingers around his thick length and is pleased as he feels the air of a stuttered breath against his face. He did that. He grips Jensen tight, twists his hand as he slides it up and down. When he looks up Jensen's watching him, pupils blown wide with lust, his eyes drop to Jared's lips and Jensen groans. "I wanna fuck your dirty little mouth. Wanna know what it feels like when you make those hot little sounds of yours around my cock." Jared's hand stutters on Jensen's cock and Jensen chuckles as he buries his face in the warmth and heady smell of Jared's neck. "You want that?" Jensen asks and they both know by the way Jared's hips jerk and his breath heaves that it doesn't really need an answer. "Not this time." Jensen says and Jared has to bite back a whine, but given the smirk playing across Jensen's face he knows he didn't fully succeed.
The last of the whine dies in his throat as he hears the tell tale sound of a cap snapping open, watches as Jensen squirts lube onto two fingers and Jared spreads his thighs a little wider. He breathes deep with anticipation as Jensen settles between his legs, one hand stroking up the inside of his thigh and then he feels the first finger push, gentle but sure, inside him. He tries to control his body as he feels Jensen pull back before pushing forward again.
He mewls beneath Jensen as he feels the burn of second finger entering him. And he loves it. He loves this, loves the care a lover takes opening him for sex, loves the way Jensen's fingers scissor inside him, the stretch of his rim, loves the way his body bows as Jensen curls his fingers just right and hits that spot that has Jared seeing stars.
He doesn't realise he's speaking, doesn't realise that god yes, fuck, more more more, please, is falling from his lips until Jensen shushes him.
"Soon." Jensen drawls and Jared's not sure he can last that long, not sure he'll make it, but then the stretch is suddenly more as Jensen adds another finger and his mind is lost in a whirlwind of pleasure. His eyes close as his hips buck uncontrollably beneath Jensen. He thinks he might hear Jensen mutter "Fuck you're tight." but he's too lost to care.
Jared's panting, begging now. "Please Jen, oh God please." Not sure if he's pleading for Jensen to make it stop, push him over the edge, or draw out this delirium forever. He doesn't care how needy he sounds, doesn't care about anything but the sensation Jensen is creating inside of him. But then Jensen's fingers are gone leaving him feeling empty.
Jared's mouth waters as he hears Jensen rip a foil packet open, watches as he rolls it over himself, before slicking his cock with one hand, the other grazing over the smooth hard flesh of Jared's stomach. When Jared arches up into the caress, Jensen pushes Jared forcefully down, pinning his hips to the mattress.
Despite the prep, it still burns as Jensen pushes the head of his cock past the first tight ring of muscle of Jared's ass and Jared lets out a distressed whimper, closing his eyes against the intrusion. It's been a while, a long while since he's done this. Jensen just stills his movements, hand rubbing back and forth over Jared's stomach, a gentle soothing motion.
"You're doing so good Jay." Jensen praises, as he starts to push forward again, and though Jared still feels beyond full it's easier. "Opening right up for me."
It's a slow agonising glide before he feels Jensen's hips against his and Jared lets out a stuttered breath. Jensen becomes still again giving Jared a chance to adjust, then starts little rocking motions that are driving Jared insane, because it's nowhere near enough. Jared opens his eyes to look at Jensen and is surprised by what he finds, if he didn't know better he'd think Jensen looks a little rattled, a little uncertain, like he's not quite sure about this whole thing. The spark of lust in Jensen's eyes is reignited as Jared grips Jensen's hips and pulls him harder against himself. This time his whimper is purely pleasure.
It's like that movement, that one touch breaks the control Jensen has been clinging to and he pulls back before thrusting hard and deep inside Jared. Jared tries to match the slow forceful thrusts but Jensen's got both of his hands on Jared's hips now.
"You're fucking killing me." Jensen groans out as his hips move a little faster. Jared lifts his legs, wraps them around Jensen's back in the hope of getting some damn leverage, but Jensen never falters from this infuriating rhythm or loosens his tight hold on Jared's body. Jared twists beneath Jensen and the change of angle has Jared crying out.
"There. Fuck. Jesus. Fuck. Right there." He's not sure what the rest of his mumbling comes out as, a plea for Jensen to never to stop, to keep hitting that spot maybe, because it's lighting Jared up inside, it's coiling his muscles tight and he's close he's so close, and he's chasing it, so close to falling, but it's not enough, how is it not enough, he needs something, he needs more.
"Please." He begs and he's not sure he can make Jensen understand that this is torture, this level of pleasure is fucking torture. Jensen's mouth crashes down on Jared's, his tongue fucking into Jared's mouth just like his dick and Jared's pleas for more are lost in the assault. Jared keens through the kiss as he feels a hand leave his hip, move between their bodies slick with sweat and grip Jared tight. Jensen tugs once, twice and that's all it takes as Jared cries out, spilling all over Jensen's hand and their stomachs.
Jared locks his thighs tight around Jensen as he rides it out, as the waves of pleasure crash over him and Jensen's thrusts become more erratic inside him and the pleasure is only spiked higher, his body quaking as he feels Jensen tense, push forward so deep one last time before he buries his face in Jared's neck and cries out as he comes. "Fucking hell Jared." Jensen grunts into Jared's skin. "Jesus fucking Christ!"
Jensen's full weight comes crashing down on Jared and Jared's too fucked out to care. They lie like that breaths heaving, Jensen still buried deep inside Jared, for what seems like forever, but it's still not long enough. Jared winces as Jensen pulls out flops to the side next to him and he feels really fucking empty.
The room smells of sweat and sex and now that the connection is gone, the feeling of Jensen still being inside him, Jared's mind is slowly waking up again and he feels unsure of what's next. It's awkward, or at least he feels it is, the silence that hangs between them, the one that was there before, that started all this. Maybe it's companionable but it's just giving Jared too much time to think. He's not sure if he should leave, if he should stay, if he'd even be welcome to stay. Or maybe Jensen will just fall asleep and then he should go. If Jensen was touching him, if he had an arm over his body or something, or Jared had one over him, then maybe this would be more comfortable. But they just lay there looking up at the ceiling, at least Jared is and yeah this is damn awkward.
Jensen's words from earlier float back into his mind, just sex, he'd said, of course he should be leaving. Jared grits his teeth, fists clenching, body tense, he shouldn't feel like this after a release like that, and maybe Jensen senses Jared's discomfort because he finally breaks the silence.
"Thought you were going?"
And Jared wants to punch him, hell he wants to punch himself, because that shouldn't hurt, that shouldn't feel like rejection. He can't look at Jensen as he struggles to find his boxers, his jeans, he's covered in his own come and he feels dirty, why does he feel dirty? He's never felt like that after sex, except maybe that first time, with Jensen, when he'd woken the next day to an empty bed and the realisation that he was just a lay and really how is this any different. It might even be worse. He worries his bottom lip with his teeth as he slides his boxers on. Why isn't he speaking, where did his voice run off to, this is so awkward.
"I didn't mean you had to go Jay." The silence finally breaks and Jensen's voice is quiet, hesitant, and Jared isn't quite sure what to make of it. "You just said... before... that you should... and I thought... but you could - can stay."
Jared spots his jeans, legs sticking out from under the bed and he grabs them, steps into them as Jensen speaks. His heart feels like it's on a roller coaster, it soars as Jensen finishes those words, as he realises Jensen wants him to stay but Jen's other words are still echoing in his head, just sex. If Jared stays it's going to make him want to be here, not just tonight, not just for the sex, but for more. He should have left earlier he realises, it would have been easier, it would have been better. He needs some distance now, to decide if he can do this with Jensen, just this, and no feelings, he's never been that kind of guy. For Jensen he finds himself wanting to be. And he knows, he knows he's already screwed.
Clearing his throat, Jared pulls his shirt over his head. "No you're right I should go, we've both got an early start tomorrow and a busy week." He tries to keep his voice light, tries to make the smile believable.
Jensen rises from the bed, pulls on a pair of boxers and walks Jared to the door. It's never been weird like this between them, even when they didn't like each other, not that they do now, wait, do they like each other now? "I'll um, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, tomorrow man."
He doesn't notice the hint of disappointment in Jensen's voice nor does he look back to see the disillusioned look on Jensen's face as the door slams.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jensen's quiet when he picks Chris up, it isn't uncharacteristic for Jensen to just sit and listen but usually he does at least listen. It takes Chris to say his name three times for him to realise that Chris was asking something and he hasn't got a clue what or what the hell Chris has been babbling on about for the last twenty minutes.
"I'm a dick." Jensen groans out to Chris, for ignoring his friend because he's stuck in his head but also, mainly for the way he treated Jared.
"Well that's nothing I didn't already know." Chris' laugh earns him a jab to the ribs from Jensen.
"I'm being serious here man." Jensen sighs and Chris turns his full attention to him spreads out his arms as if to say lay it on me.
"I think I fucked up. Jared asked me what this thing was and I said just sex." Jensen bangs his head on the steering wheel as they stop at the lights. He hadn't meant to say that to Chris, to just let it all out, he hadn't meant to say it to Jared, it had just been knee-jerk reaction and if he's honest he'd been scared.
He'd been scared to tell Jared he wanted something more in case it had sent the other man running for the hills. How can he live up to Jared, how? He's not out like Jared is and he's not sure he's ready to be. He's not ashamed of his sexuality, he's not ashamed to say he's into guys, he's not even scared of how it will affect his career. He just, he doesn't want the intrusion, if he says he's gay then suddenly people will think they have the right to ask about it, about his social life and how it affects him, in a way they wouldn't if he was straight. He's seen it, in that interview with Jared. And he just, he just doesn't know if he can deal with that without going crazy. So yeah, seriously why would Jared ever want anything more with him when Jared's just so together and he's just so... not.
"Yeah you're a dick. You need to tell him."
"Tell him what?" Jensen says as if he hasn't got a clue what Chris is gonna say, of course he knows, he knows Chris too well not to know. Chris just heaves an exasperated sigh his way.
"That you pretty much worship the ground he walks on and you want to live your life together." Jensen chokes on his own spit, because knowing what's coming in a general term and actually hearing Chris say the words are two completely different things.
"I don't." He blurts out, another knee-jerk reaction. It's a denial that neither believes. "Besides he wasn't bothered, he left before the sheets were even cold after we had sex."
And that Jensen realises, is the real problem right now, because sure he'd been the one to say it but Jared, Jared had just agreed to it and damn if that doesn't sting.
"Whoa, you finally stopped pussy footing around each other?" Chris grins.
"That's what you took from that?" Jensen asks in disbelief.
"What, you told the guy it was just sex right? Of course he was gonna leave after it was over. Sex doesn't include cuddling Jenny." Chris laughs as Jensen pulls into a parking space and Jensen scowls, is that it? Is it his fault Jared just took off? He looks around the parking lot, sees Jared's car a couple of spaces down and he realises he's about to see Jared, there's this weird fluttering in his chest and he doesn't really want to dwell on it, tugs open his door and flees the car, but the feeling merely follows.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Exhaustion hits Jared as soon as he parks the car outside his house. It's been a long day, a long day of seeing Jensen and not letting himself touch, despite how much he craves it. Jensen had been on his best behaviour as well, not seeming affected by what had happened between them at all, except for the fact that he is now speaking to Jared again when they're in public, so that's a good thing. Right?
It isn't just the long day though, it's the restless night he'd had after he'd made his way home from Jensen's. He'd tossed and turned and cursed and maybe indulged in a few tears, not that he'd admit it.
It's the same the next night, lying awake worrying about Jensen and thinking it all through in his mind and falling asleep as the sun creeps through his window without working anything new out. He tells himself he should cut his losses, tell Jensen it was nice, but this isn't what he's looking for. He should. But he know he won't. Because the thing is, Jared's pretty sure what he is looking for is Jensen, and whilst he can't have all of him, he should be happy with the little he gets.
He's surprised when he sees Mike and Chris and Jensen on his front walk on Tuesday night. The guys haven't stopped by since well, Chris' party he guesses and after everything that's happened that seems like an age ago. But despite the lapse in visits, they slip easily into the old routine, beers out on the porch, Jensen telling stories about Chris' band days.
"I really need to hear you play sometime." Jared says, and he means it, he'd like to see that side of Chris.
"Thought I saw you had a guitar?" Jensen asks and Jared blushes because that guitar is in his bedroom, and he doesn't want to have to explain how Jensen knows that. Thankfully the guys don't mention it and Jared just makes a hasty retreat inside.
Once in his room, he runs his fingers over the battered instrument and wonders if he can really let Chris play it, it's been a good four maybe five years since it's held a tune. Stupid, he thinks as he lifts it delicately, afraid it might fall to dust between his finger tips, stupid because it should be played, what's the point in keeping the damn thing if it's never used.
He doesn't give himself time to change his mind just bounds down the stairs out the front door and holds it outstretched to Chris. Jensen gives him a curious look, and Jared remembers to school is face into a smile.
"Nice." Chris says as he runs his fingers over it.
"Might need a little tuning. Hasn't been played in a while." Jared doesn't say how long, as he takes his seat again, fingers fidgeting in his lap.
Listening to Chris pluck the strings, watching his fingers tighten the pegs, twists something in his heart. It doesn't take long for Chris to tune it to his liking and Jared sees the skills of a guy who knows a thing or two about guitars. When the first few lines ring out Livin' with me, it ain't easy, but I do it every day, and sometimes even now, I wanna run away there's a country twang Jared hadn't been expecting and then the twisting turns to breaking, because Chris is good, Chris is damn good, but he isn't Jeff, he isn't Jared's brother and this is so wrong.
He doesn't think about it just stands abruptly, walks off the porch and down the front walk. There's tears stinging his eyes and he doesn't want the guys to see him like this, but he can't hold them back as they spill over. He sits in the middle of the front lawn, more like meadow, the grass reaching his shoulders, he really is going to cut it soon, listening to the thrum of the guitar, the steady pace of Chris' voice and he lets it all out.
He'd been ten when Jeff had gotten that guitar and he'd thought it was stupid, asked his brother why the hell he'd want one and Jeff had just shrugged, said that girls thought guys who played the guitar were hot as if that explained it all to Jared.
He'd endured hours of Jeff's practising, hours and hours of the same song played over and over until he thought he was going to go insane, because at the beginning, Jeff really hadn't been any good at it, he'd really kinda sucked and Jared hadn't been shy about telling him so.
He'd been thirteen when he'd finally understood what Jeff had meant. He'd seen Matt, the first guy he'd ever really crushed on, strumming away one lunch time and he'd realised how damn hot that was. He'd begged Jeff to let him play, begged and pleaded for Jeff to show him how, because he'd made up this fantasy in his mind of how being able to play was getting him one step closer to Matt. After a month of whining Jeff had finally given in, had sat him down and shown him how to play.
It never did get Jared any closer to Matt, but it did get him closer to Jeff, it was a thing they'd do, just sit and play and when Jeff had left for college, he'd given the guitar to Jared, told him it was his now, that he could mind it for him until he came home to play it with Jared again. And whenever Jared had felt lonely, wishing his brother was there, he'd pick up that guitar and play one of their songs.
It's the only thing that wasn't practical, like clothes or shoes, that he'd taken when he'd left, the only thing he couldn't bear to leave behind and he realises now, sat sobbing silently in the grass of his new house that he's been waiting for Jeff to come find him. To just sit down with him and play one more song. To tell him everything will be okay. But hearing Chris' voice behind him, he knows now that that's a dream he has to let go of. He really doesn't have a brother anymore.
The guys don't say anything when he dries his eyes and takes his seat again, but Jared doesn't miss the looks that pass between them.
"You missed your calling man." Jared manages to get out, hoping to lighten the suddenly tense mood.
"Nah." Chris denies, turning a thumb to Jensen. "But Jenny here, he definitely did."
Jared smiles at that, and it's a genuine smile that flits across his lips. "You should play something."
Jensen looks like he might protest but then Chris and Mike both shoot him a look and Jared really wishes he knew them a little better so he could understand the silent conversations the three of them seem to have. Jensen just shakes his head, accepts the guitar that Mike thrusts at him and starts to thrum the first few chords of a song that Jared doesn't recognise at first.
Jared knows he's staring as Jensen begins to sing I can feel her heart beat from a thousand miles and the heavens open every time she smiles but he just can't help himself. Jensen's shy about this Jared knows but he loves that he's comfortable enough here to try anyway, not that Jensen should be shy about it, because he's got an amazing voice. Jared's face breaks out in a grin as Chris joins in for the chorus she give me love, love, love, love, crazy love and then he doubles over in laughter as Mike joins in too, because Mike really should never sing and somehow despite Chris and Jared not being able to control their laughter and Mike just singing away, Jensen's voice is still there, his fingers still strumming and Jared suddenly feels a hell of a lot lighter than he has in a damn long time.
He still hasn't got everything figured out, doubts he really will. He's pretty much a mess. But despite that, despite everything that has happened, despite whatever might happen, he has this, he has these guys right now and he doesn't know what he did to deserve it, but he's so damn thankful.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
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