Which to bury, us or the hatchet (5/13)
So here's part 5 of this fic, it's a little longer and I hope you all enjoy this section and where it's heading. Also thanks to the wonderful masja_17 for the beta, I hope your laptop is feeling better soon! I have played with it a little since then so any mistakes are my own.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 4) | Part 5 | Next (Part 6)
He's going to be sick; he's going to throw up right here in the locker room. No, no he isn't. Get a grip Padalecki. Deep breaths Jared tells himself. Just keep breathing. In. Out. This is just another day. This is just another game. There's a chuckle to his right distracting him, he turns to see Mike.
"So on a scale of one to ten, how much are you freaking out right now?"
"A million." Jared answers, damn his voice sounds shaky.
"That bad huh?" Mike's smiling at him and the dam breaks and all the fear and worry Jared's been holding back just flows out. He doesn't think about Mike's reaction, he doesn't think how the guys can use this to rip in to him all season, he doesn't think at all.
"Which is stupid right?" Jared pushes back unruly pieces of hair nervously, why does his voice have to sound so damn shaky? "Because I probably won't even get to play this game. I probably won't get to play a game until like Christmas. They're just putting me on the bench because of the press right? I'll probably just sit on the sidelines and watch, you know, maybe get a touch at the end if it's going right. Just to feel me out, to make sure I'm not a total train wreck, and I can do that, I mean a couple of minutes on the ice I can cope with that, but what if I totally fuck up those few minutes Mike, what if-"
"JT, relax. You've got this man." Mike's hand rests on Jared's knee a touch that isn't uncommon between the two of them, a touch that Jared finds strangely relaxing.
When people, scratch that, when guys find out you're gay there doesn't get to be much in the way of contact, like somehow a touch to the shoulder, or a slap on the back and suddenly they've caught a love of cock, just like you might the flu. It's stupid, but hey so is homophobia. But Jared, even from being young, he's always been a touchy kind of guy. Until he came out he never second guessed the way he'd sling his arm around someone's shoulder or pull them in for a hug, because it was never sexual for him, it was never about that, so it's nice that Mike's like this with him, comfortable enough to just treat him like any other guy and comfortable enough to let Jared do the same.
"Yeah but what if -"
"You know all the plays man," Mike cuts him off again. "You've been linking up great with Jensen and Chris in training, even been getting a few pucks past Justin. Just stop thinking about it yeah? The rest will come."
Jared nods his assent. Mike's right, he should just switch off his brain, stop thinking about it all. If only his brain would listen to him. He misses the majority of Kripke's pre-game talk, the parts he does catch are about it being time to make an impression and to start the season as they mean to go on and are they gonna let the Bolts come into their home and walk all over them. Jared's mildly aware of the roar of 'No' that echoes round the locker room, but his voice doesn't join them.
His brain finally stops working as he steps out into the arena, when he looks up at the sea of roaring fans, chanting for him, for them, he sucks in a sharp breath. It isn't the first time he's been here and sure he's played games with the team, and the fans were there, but this is different because this is it, this is his first game in the NHL.
Panic bubbles in the pit of his stomach and he wills it back, eyes scanning the crowd and that's when he sees her. Sandy. Way to the left of the Bruins bench about five rows back and she's smiling knowingly at him, waving, mouthing something that Jared is sure is something along the lines of 'stop being an idiot' and that's all it takes, to see the person that has become his family, that has supported him through everything, here, cheering him on and everything inside him settles. He knows everything is going to be alright.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"YOU WERE AMAZING!" Comes Sandy's voice down the corridor as they hurry over to meet each other. Most of the crowd of fans have emptied out now, only the few stragglers still left turn to see what the commotion is about.
"I had like five minutes of ice time." Jared says, scooping her up into a bear hug that has Sandy giggling. She winds her arms around his neck, squeezes him tight and Jared lets himself sink into her.
"Five minutes in which you stole the puck sending that douche who'd been skating around like he owned the ice all night flying and found Jensen. Yeah Jared, an assist given five minutes of ice time is nothing for your first game as an NHL BRUIN!" Sandy pulls back and Jared grins as she smirks, he's forgotten how great for his ego Sandy is.
"And that Jensen, is he a secret supermodel Jare? Currently single? Looking for a fiery brunette to sweep off her feet?"
Jared's face feels like it's on fire, she doesn't realise, he didn't tell her that Jensen was the one. She looks up at him face turning from teasing to puzzled as she takes him in until finally she squints her eyes at him and then her jaw drops and he knows she's worked it out. Why can't he play these things cool and aloof? Why can't he be off-hand and say oh Jensen, yeah he's got a girl, not stand there beetroot red and tongue-tied. He's never tongue-tied.
"No?" She gapes at him, hand against his chest, leaning in, feigning the need for support. Damn drama queen. "He isn't. No... You didn't? With Jensen Ackles?"
Jared just shrugs, this conversation seems to have taken an uncomfortable turn , could they just go back to talking about the game, and how awesome he apparently is.
"Whoa... Well, if I had to be anyone's college experiment, I'd certainly have signed me up for that experience."
And just like that Jared's face breaks out into a smile, laughter bubbling up and out of him before he can stop it.
That's how Jensen finds them, doubled over in laughter, Jared leaning against Sandy, but when Jared looks up eyes settling on Jensen, the laughter in his throat abruptly dies. Sandy looks round to see why, spots Jensen and bursts into another fit of giggles. Jensen shifts awkwardly from his right foot to his left and Jared is actually starting to feel sorry for the guy.
"Don't mind her." Jared says, throwing Jensen a lifeline. "She forgot to take the pills for her crazy today."
Jensen's eyes shift from Jared to Sandy and back. "Erm... Okay. Mike wanted me to catch up with you, we're going for drinks, thought you might wanna come with." Jensen's eyes are on Sandy again who's managed to stifle her giggles. "If you're not too busy that is."
"Drinks?" Jared asks, as if it's really a question, he knows Sandy's dying to grill his new team mates, especially Jensen.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If Jared had known Danneel was going to be making an appearance he might have chosen to be 'too busy'. He likes her sure, but that doesn't mean he wants to have the fact that she's with Jensen and he's not rubbed in his face, only no one really realises they're rubbing it in his face, because, oh yeah, no one knows Jensen and him had a thing. Jared's beginning to hate his stupidly complicated life.
And as if dealing with Danneel wasn't enough he's been running interference between Jensen and Sandy all night too. He knows Sandy won't say anything to Jensen intentionally, she's too smart for that, she'll wheedle the things she wants to know out of him without him even knowing, but Jared's just a little bit worried about what she might do with that information. But then he's even more worried when she strikes up a conversation with Danneel as if they're lifelong friends. He needs patience, an endless amount of patience to get through this night, and maybe, no definitely, something stronger than beer.
"So I'm thinking I might have to get a place." Jared tells Mike, Jensen and Chris turning to listen as he talks. He's been thinking about it since he signed, he even talked to Jerry about it, he's got this money now, and he needs somewhere to live. It'd all been too much of a whirlwind beforehand, what with the signing and the press and then training camp. Plus there'd been the thought that if he bought something he'd be jinxing everything, that he wouldn't end up making the team, but be tied here because he'd bought a place.
Even now, he isn't sure. It's a long time since he put down any permanent roots.
"I was thinking an apartment maybe, decent sized one, with good security. I'm just done with hotel rooms, and that shitty place I'm renting. Why don't they ever buy decent sized beds? My feet keep hanging off the end." His voice ends on a whine, it's not a big thing, but if this is going to be home he needs to take care of those little things too, before they all build up on him.
"Cos you're a giant JT." Mike chirps, agreement passing between them. Jared launches a peanut, hitting Mike squarely in the eye. "And here was I ready to offer to house hunt with you. Do it yourself dick." Mike teases throwing the peanut back at Jared.
It's only been a few weeks, but it feels good to have these people surrounding him, it feels good to be part of something that so closely resembles family. It feels like he belongs.
"Should we be worried about those two?" Jensen asks, nodding his head in the girls' direction, grin wide.
"Probably, knowing Sandy she'll be spilling all my embarrassing stories." And Jared groans, because that's probably true, the guys are gonna have material to rip into him for the rest of the season, hell, maybe next season too.
"Oh really? So I'm definitely in the wrong conversation. Sandy!" Jensen raises his voice over the crowd. "Jared here says you've got embarrassing stories."
Jared shoots her a look of warning that blatantly screams 'don't you dare', the look she sends back at him is one of 'I'll do as I damn well please' and the unspoken conversation goes unnoticed by the rest of the table.
"I might." Sandy says disinterested. "What's in it for me?"
"What will two beers get us?" Jensen asks and when Sandy smiles slyly Jared knows he's done for.
Two hours and an unknown amount of beers later and Jared wants to die.
"That hairstyle was ridiculous and you know it, but you tried to act so cool about it because your momma told you that if you acted like it didn't bother you we'd all stop making fun of you for it." Sandy doesn't know it yet, but Jared's just decided she's about to become his ex-best friend. If she moves on to tell the bambi-on-ice story, that's what she's taken to call Jared's time on the ice through puberty, when he'd had a growth spurt and shot up like a weed and not really been in control of any of his limbs any more, then he's going to murder her in her sleep, consequences be damned.
"As if you can say anything about hair styles." Jared says indignantly. "You got a perm. You looked like a damn poodle."
"You said it looked nice." Sandy gasps.
"Well I lied, like a good friend is supposed to." Jared sticks his tongue out at her.
"Think we should break this up." Chris pipes in. "Before the two of you start throwing punches."
"As if she could reach." Jared jokes and Sandy pounces at him almost knocking him off his chair. He catches her, standing to avoid falling and wraps an arm companionably around her shoulders. Sandy leans in as the conversation rolls on around them and Jared feels happy, happier than he has in a long time.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"I'm going to kill you." Sandy whines. "Then bring you back so you can carry me home. Please say we're nearly done Jare. I need aspirin and coffee and to be horizontal. I feel like I'm dying."
"That's karma. Pay back is a bitch I hear." Jared pulls the car over and stills the engine, before turning to her, breaking out his best puppy dog eyes and pleading. "Come on this is the last one."
Jared had pulled Sandy, grumbling and cursing, out of bed at nine that morning full of excitement at the idea of finding his own place. He'd called Jerry once he knew he'd got a permanent place with the Bruins and asked him if he could find him a place in Boston and Jerry had told him not a problem. True to his word he'd faxed over a list of places and viewing times last night and Jared had been full of energy to go look for his future home.
Sandy on the other hand had not been quite so amiable, probably had something to do with the late night and the large amount of beer she'd drunk, and she'd grumbled as they'd driven to apartment after apartment and grumbled more when Jared had decided none of them were for him. He isn't sure what he's waiting for. Sandy has asked him what was wrong with the places they'd been to and he hadn't been able to give her an answer, because in truth there was nothing wrong with them, nothing at all, they just, he couldn't see himself there and he wasn't sure he could make her understand that.
Only one place left on his list, a house, and he feels so deflated in comparison to this morning because he doesn't really want a house, there's just him after all, what would he do with all that space? No, an apartment is more practical.
Jared climbs out of the car, turns as he shuts the door and his breath catches in his chest. It's set back from the street, pretty little detached house, white with blue shutters, porch wrapping around the front, down the sides, and he wonders if it stretches round the back too. It's quiet, he realises, it's peaceful and he's fallen half in love with it, just with one look.
He walks forward without any thought for Sandy; he just needs to see more. The garden out front is wild, overgrown and with a little work Jared thinks it could be fantastic. On a closer look he notices the house could use a little paint, the porch needs sanding, the steps rebuilding. But that's fixable, it's not a deal breaker. House just needs a little love, just like Jared.
There's an apple tree down the side to the left of the house a rope swing hanging from one of the branches and he can't help but sit down. From here he looks out on the street, it's far enough back to be private, but close enough to still belong to the street. And then he sees Sandy leaning against the side of the car smiling fondly at him.
"Don't even need to look inside do you?" She asks as she joins him by the swing and he gets up, lets her sit, pulls the seat backwards and lets it go.
"No." He admits, pushing her.
"What if it's a dump?" She points out. Jared prays it isn't, but even if it is, he's pretty sure he won't care.
"I'll fix it up. It's perfect Sandy. It's quiet. Far enough out of the city that you don't get the hustle and bustle but close enough to get to training." Jared stills the swing, sits down next to her when she scoots over. "I can see myself here."
If she notices the way his voice chokes on those last words or his eyes get glassy, she doesn't mention it, just rests her head on his shoulder swaying in the breeze and they wait for the realtor to arrive so he can buy his home.
Twenty minutes later he's standing in what will be his room, and his heart's racing, because it isn't a dump inside, it's damn near perfect. There are four bedrooms upstairs, two bathrooms, one which is an en-suite off the room he's going to use. The bathrooms are modern, were obviously put in pretty recently and the bath in the en-suite has jets and he's pretty sure it's big enough to fit even his legs in there. Down stairs is pretty open, a lounge running from the front to the back on one side. The kitchen at the back of the house is huge too, backdoor opening on to the porch, island in the middle of the room, just inviting you to sit, and then there's another smaller room that he figures he can use as an office, though why he needs an office he isn't sure. It isn't perfect, it isn't his yet but a little paint here and there, some furniture, some love and it will be.
"You could get that dog." Sandy says from the doorway.
"What dog?" He asks, his room overlooks the garden and he can't help but stare out, he's going to put his bed right here facing the window, so he'll wake up to that pretty view every morning.
"That dog you've always wanted."
"I'm gonna be away a lot." He doesn't deny his want, she knows him too well, but it would be reckless to indulge like that right?
"It's the 21st century Jare, there are these people you can pay who come and walk your dog or look after it when you're not around. Come on, you earn enough now, treat yourself."
"Okay." He agrees. A dog might be nice, someone to come home to, that will always be happy to see you. He could get a kennel, wait, he could build a kennel, a nice little wooden one for the garden.
"They aren't sleeping together."
"What?" Jared asks again, Sandy really needs to stop having half a conversation in her head.
"Jensen and Danneel." She explains, her voice a little gentler this time, like the words aren't rushing to escape anymore. "They aren't sleeping together."
Jared twists round to look at her now, a cynical look in his eye. "But Mike said. I mean, how would you even know that?"
"I have my ways and like Mike knows anything. He doesn't want to either."
Jared scoffs. "Bullshit. Now that you can't possibly know." He'll give her the sex thing, but she can't know that by spending one night out with the guy. Can she? No, don't go there Padalecki.
"When have I ever been wrong?" Sandy points out.
Jared takes a minute before blurting out. "Junior year. You kissed me."
"Got you to admit you were gay didn't I? Plus I was curious." She's teasing him.
Jared sighs his face suddenly serious, sometimes he looks much older than twenty and it breaks Sandy's heart. "You're wrong about this."
"I'm not. It ain't happening and it ain't gonna."
Restlessly Jared moves from the bedroom across the landing into the bathroom, he secretly hopes Sandy won't follow him, no such luck.
"They kissed in public Sandy, and not the 'we're just friends' kind of kissing, it was more the 'let's blow this joint' kind of kissing."
"Kissing ain't fucking Jared."
"Whatever." Jared says. He really needs a beer. Or maybe something stronger. The bathroom suddenly feels too small, it's like everything is pushing in on him. He moves into the second bedroom and she's right there, hounding him. Leave me alone his mind is screaming, please don't make me believe I can have this.
"I think you've got a shot."
And there it is, the words she wished to hell he hadn't said. Jared leans against the wall, resting his head back, eyes closed. But still where the hell did she get that from?
"He watches you. He listens when you speak, like really listens, like he wants to absorb everything you."
"Stop it Sandy it isn't gonna happen." He can't get his hopes up. They're starting to get along, Jensen's being less hostile and Jared's placed himself firmly in the friend zone and he's been coming to terms with that, but now Sandy's words are tearing that all to shreds and bringing back that hope and he can't, he can't hope.
"Jared I'm being serious, you should-"
"-No!" He interrupts. "Just drop it." Jared doesn't give her a chance to answer just pushes past her, takes to the stairs; he needs to find the realtor. Find her and buy his house and forget all about Jensen Ackles.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It takes two weeks for the papers to be finalised on the house, two weeks of nail biting and tense conversations with Jerry, because he has to have it. Hockey doesn't distract him and Sandy's gone, leaving that conversation behind.
He can't get it out of his head, the possibility. Things with Jensen have become less strained, it's easier. They don't spend much time just the two of them, haven't since they'd gone for that beer after that hellish interview. And it hadn't been awkward, it had been nice, even if Jensen hadn't really said much, had just let Jared prattle away for the best part of three hours, pitching in a comment here and there. And that had been the start of something, something that maybe resembles friendship.
Jensen invited him to the guys’ monthly poker game at Chris' and though Jared had lost far more than he'd won, because it turns out that Chris is a damn card shark, he'd enjoyed himself. He'd have enjoyed himself if anyone had invited him, but the fact that it was Jensen had made it all a little sweeter, it makes him feel accepted. But the further in he's drawn in the more his brain and Sandy's words are creating something reminiscent of hope and hope is damn dangerous, because hope leads to possibilities and possibilities lead to wants. He should just be content with what he has. Right?
The day the papers are signed he packs his untouched boxes out of the one bed shit hole he's renting and into the back of his car and moves. He hauls the boxes into the lounge and realises that with a house this big, he's going to need a hell of a lot more stuff, the ten or so boxes aren't going to fill even one room. It hadn't really been a conscious choice but he'd kept personal items to a minimum after he'd left home, he hadn't had the space or the money to indulge in things that weren't a necessity. It's not that he hadn't wanted things, he had, but he just hadn't been able to justify them to himself. Like that games console he'd been dying to buy or a flat screen TV, or a damn bed big enough for him to sleep in. He realises now he hadn't let himself buy any of those things because that's what putting down roots looks like, and at the back of his mind there'd been this niggling little voice that Sandy's couch, the college dorms, even the town house in Vermont, they hadn't been permanent, he couldn't let them be. It's strange now to look around the house, his house he keeps reminding himself, and dream about what he can make it.
He needs furniture, a sofa, some shelves, a TV maybe; it's time to indulge right, even a nice little coffee table could work. He needs knives and forks and spoons and utensils he'll never use to fill the draws in the kitchen. He needs a bed, an extravagantly large bed, one where he can stretch out without fear of falling off. He phones Mike and cons him into house shopping. And Mike might bitch a little, might call Jared a girl when he oohs and ahhhs over things but Jared knows he doesn't really mean it. Much.
When Jared had bought this place he hadn't realised, until Mike was hauling in furniture and had told him, that Jensen's apartment was in fact only a couple of blocks over and despite Jared's protests Mike had phoned him up and talked him into coming over to help. It was nice, friendly and things had definitely begun to change.
In between games and training he strips walls, plasters and re-wallpapers, he paints and hammers nails, he sweats and hurts and through it all his mind is still on Jensen.
It's been a month since that conversation, the team's doing well, nine wins to three losses and Jared's getting more ice time each game, he's become part of the Bruins arsenal and he wants to stay there. He's also becoming Jensen's friend and that's another place he'd like to stay.
The beginning of November he starts sanding down the front porch, it's a project, a project all of his own and he's excited. Two days in he's sweaty and hot, t-shirt clinging to him but the porch is sanded, ready to paint and he's reaching for brushes when Jared notices Jensen and Chris walking across the lawn six-pack in hand. He really needs to get around to cutting the grass, looks like a damn meadow; he's actually becoming fond of it. Screw it, maybe he'll leave it wild and overgrown like that.
It's a surprise to see his team mates, but Jared decides it's a pleasant one. It's nice to have a place; it's even nicer to have friends that feel comfortable enough to just stop by.
"Thought you could use an extra couple of hands." Jensen grins up at Jared and Jared waves them up onto the front porch, trying to contain himself, because visitors, he's got visitors. And one of them is Jensen. Jensen who might just be his friend now. It had started with that beer he supposed, then the training, and the moving in, but Jared feels like they've turned a corner. Sure, there'll be the odd scowl now and again, but he's getting a chance to see the real Jensen, he's getting it aimed directly at him instead of having to watch from the sidelines and it shouldn't make him so happy.
"Nice." Chris says as he joins them and Jared hadn't really realised he'd been waiting for approval but it's great, the joy washes over him.
"You need a better fence though JT. A bit more security, what with you being a big up and coming star." Chris jokes, no malice behind the words.
"Yeah yeah. I've got a guy coming over next week to sort it out. You sound like my manager." Jared groans.
"I bet he's ruggedly handsome and a hit with the ladies too." Chris puts on a serious voice, and Jared can't help laughing because Jerry and Chris are about as different as two people could get.
"If he was the last guy on earth maybe, no, probably not even then. So are you two just gonna stand around looking pretty, afraid to break your nails?" Jared teases throwing a paint brush at them both.
Several hours of sweat and bitching later, the porch is painted and Jared's pretty damn proud of himself and he can't hold back the grin from his face as he surveys the work.
He pulls back on his beer and leans in the doorjamb of his house. His house. It's starting to truly feel like that. He has a home now, he realises, it's been far too long since he's had a place to call that and the ache inside his chest, the one that festers and never truly goes away, it lessens just a little at the thought of home, his home.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
He buys a rocking chair for the corner of the porch, he's dozing in the dying sun when footsteps rouse him and he looks up into green eyes, can't help but return the smile of greeting Jensen aims at him. It's happened a couple of times now, Jensen will just turn up, Chris in tow or Steve or Mike. Was in the neighbourhood he'll say or wanted to see how the house was looking. Jensen never says he drops by just to see Jared and even though he shouldn't, Jared likes to let himself believe that Jensen does. That Jensen stops by just to talk or drink or hang out. To just be around Jared. He feels like that 12 year-old again.
Sometimes he stops by after practise, with one of the guys and they'll sit on the porch and laugh until the last light dims and then they'll leave and the house will suddenly become somehow emptier.
Having Jensen there, even with Chris or Mike or Steve makes him want to keep him and he knows he can't. But if he can have friendship, if he can see the real Jensen then he thinks that might just be enough, or at least it will have to be.
They ride together for the Dallas game. It'll be easier, makes sense, Jensen tells him. Chris is throwing one of his famous after parties and they apparently don't need two cars to leave at Chris', isn't the space. It's the first time they've really spent any time just the two of them alone since The Beer, as Jared's now taken to calling it, and though neither of them has much to say, minds focused on the match ahead, the silence between them isn't uncomfortable. If anything it's companionable and when Jared puts on his pads, enters the rink he feels steadier than he has since he left Vermont.
The moment the whistle blows and he hits the ice though, his calm shatters. He's nowhere near the puck, nowhere near the action and the Stars' 25 sends him hurtling into the boards. He has no idea what just happened, just that he can feel the aftermath in the ache in his left side. The ref whistle blows out, signals the penalty and 25 leaves the ice, but Jared doesn't miss the look he shares with Rafferty and his stomach drops, fuck, he knows it's only the first of many.
It's rough and dirty and violent and Jared's pretty sure he's going to be feeling the bruises for weeks, he'll be lucky if finishes out the match with all his limbs and bone intact. He hasn't got a clue of the score, can only focus on his breathing. He's got one period to go, just one more and then this'll all be over.
It had started with just 25, with the checking and the occasional 'fucking homo' and then one or two others had caught on, until it felt like the whole team had it out for him.
He glances at the clock, 15 minutes to go and that glance costs him as he hits the boards for what seems like the millionth time, but his hip jars painfully as two bodies crush him. The cool that he's been so desperately holding onto shatters as 25 mutters 'dirty fag' loud enough to be heard and it's the last damn straw.
"You're standing close enough; I might think you're asking to be blowed." He spits back and Jared knows it's stupid, knows he should have held his tongue even as the words spill from it. The guy isn't bigger than Jared, but he has him at a disadvantage and he raises his arm resting it against Jared's windpipe as Jared tries desperately to push him off. In all the kafuffle he's lost his stick and finds himself completely defenceless. He hears the whistle blowing, eyes stinging in relief as the guy's pulled backwards, Jensen's familiar frame getting between the two of them.
"Back off." Jensen warns as Chris stops by Jensen's side ready to back him up.
Jared focuses on his breathing, tries to will the pain of his hip away as chaos breaks out on the ice in front of him, players shouting grappling, others trying to cool it off, break it up. The crowd is a mixture of cheers and booing and Jared's head swims, with lack of oxygen and bewilderment.
"What was that about?" Jensen's voice cuts through the haze.
Jared drops his head, he's done for the game he knows it and he doesn't really feel like getting into this with Jensen. "Nothing."
"I'm not a fucking idiot Jay." There's that nickname again, it brings warmth and disappointment to his chest and Jared grits his teeth.
"It was nothing okay, just drop it." He pushes past Jensen, joins the bench. He still doesn't know the score when the game finishes, he's too angry and focussing everything on not losing it.
~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~
The anger hasn't dissipated by the time he walks into Chris' and Jared is thankful for the beer he's handed. He's surrounded by happy, by celebration, turns out they won that damn game and Jared should feel pleased about that, but his dark mood just won't let him.
It's a long time since he's had a match like that, it's a long time since he's been in a situation like that at all but it always works him up like this. He's a laid back guy, he's friendly and talkative and for the most part calm, anger isn't a mood that suits him, all it does is sit and fester, like it is right now.
"You okay dude?" Chris asks as he takes in Jared.
"Yeah man, just need to let off a little steam." Jared assures, and it's true he really does.
"Just what I needed to hear." Chris smirks turning to point in the direction of the lounge. "My man, Joe there, recently single, 100% gay and may or may not have a little thing for the Bruin's newest star. Just, don't tell him I told you that."
Jared eyes the guy from where he's standing, he's got a good couple of inches on the guy, but hey he has that on most. His hair's light, ruffled, even more so as he unconsciously drags his fingers through it. They guy's wearing jeans and some old band t-shirt that's just the right side of tight to hint at the body beneath, but still leave a little to the imagination. Jared would be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued.
Recently single means no strings. 100% gay, well that's a plus since he's been pining for a straight guy for the better part of the past two months. Has a little thing for him, well that means it won't take too much work. That's what he wants, that's what he needs, quick and fast with no need for phone conversations or awkward morning afters. He isn't one for one-nightstands, doesn't really care for sex without feelings but when he gets like this he just has to work the mad out of his system, usually with sex, other times he'll spend a few hours at the gym beating the shit out of a punch bag. Whilst violence has its appeal, Jared would much rather work this all out with a little sex, pleasure and satisfaction. Yeah, he could definitely go for Joe.
He walks over, takes the seat between Joe and Mike without invitation and sees the guy beam at him.
"Jared." Mike smiles and Jared works up one in return. "This is Joe."
"Hi." Jared says holding out his hand, Joe fumbles with his beer before grasping his hand and shaking, Jared squeezes, shakes, runs his thumb over the guy's wrist and holds for longer than is really necessary. Is he being subtle? No. Does he care? Hell no.
"Beer?" Mike asks getting up, and Jared looks to Joe in question who nods.
"Yeah two. Thanks man." Jared doesn't move over as Mike leaves just keeps his body snug up against Joe's gauging his reaction and when Joe doesn't flinch or move away, when his body just kind angles itself into Jared's, well, Jared feels pretty damn pleased with himself. He'll thank Chris later.
"Nice game today." Joe says finally finding his voice. "Though I'm surprised you're still walking."
Jared chuckles in anything but humour. "Drink to numb the pain; I'll pay for it tomorrow." And Joe laughs, before looking past Jared as a shadow falls over them and the space next to Jared is filled.
"Hey, you tried Chris' punch tonight?" Joe asks Jensen as he takes the seat next to Jared and Jared curses silently. There can't be a God he tells himself, because a God surely wouldn't be that damn cruel.
"I'm never touching that stuff again after last time." Jensen laughs, leaning back resting his arm along the back of the sofa behind Jared and Jared has to stop himself from snuggling in and asking just what happened last time. Focus he tells himself, focus. Jensen is off limits, no matter what Sandy says. Joe is very much within limits. But he can't seem to get that through to his body as it reacts to the press of Jensen's thigh against his.
He stands abruptly, mumbles something about Mike and beer and moves off into the kitchen. If he'd sat there much longer he'd have ended up embarrassing himself, as it is there's still a chance he will and he adjusts his jeans as he finds Mike with the beer, he needs a good few more before he's comfortable to deal with that situation again.
Joe finds him in the kitchen a good hour and several beers later. He's got a good buzz going and he's even less subtle than earlier as he pulls Joe hard against his body.
"So Chris never told me how you two know each other." His voice rises above the music so Joe can hear him.
"College." Joe says. "Chris used to be in a band and I filled in a couple of times when they needed me."
Jared turns directly to Joe. "Wait, Chris was in a band?"
"Damn straight I was." Chris says, joining the conversation in the kitchen with Jensen.
"Voice of an angel." Jensen smirks earning himself a swat across the head and a chuckle from Chris.
"Jealous Jenny?" Chris asks.
"As if I want to sound like a cat being strangled." Jensen teases and Chris only shakes his head in defeat when Justin shouts from the lounge and with a 'this isn't over' look aimed at Jensen he leaves the three of them alone. Again. Jared's luck is having a real off day. Then again when was the last time it really had an on day?
Jensen's eyeing Joe warily and Jared doesn't get it. It's uncomfortable until Joe pulls his cigarettes from his pocket and heads out back. It's weird Jared thinks, so different from when Jensen had joined them earlier and they'd all been full of smiles.
So then it's just Jensen and Jared in the kitchen and Jared can't help but hold his hands up in defeat and chuckle to himself.
"What?" Jensen asks, boosting himself up onto the working top, and Jared can't help but notice the flex of muscles as he does that. He's blaming the tug of lust in his groin on the alcohol, because alcohol makes him horny, and that's all this is. Liar.
"It's just funny." Jared says as if that explains everything.
"What is?" Jensen crooks his head to the side, watching him.
"How bad I apparently suck at hooking up." He hadn't meant to say that, especially to Jensen, but beer, as well as making him want to jump people, well one person, has a way of loosening his tongue, until there's no filter between thoughts and words, not that there's much of one with Jared anyway.
"Oh." It's quiet for a few minutes, only the blare of music from next door and Jared can suddenly feel the tension in the room, where did that come from? "I thought he was bothering you."
Jensen's frowning at him and Jared senses a hint of anger which he can't understand. What does Jensen have to be angry about?
"Nope, I think I'm bothering him to be honest." There's weariness to Jared's voice, he's wondering if he was wrong about the whole Joe thing.
"You okay man?" Jensen asks, and Jared let's himself see sincere care in Jensen's eyes, his mood needs it. Jared shrugs, taking another swig of his beer, he's a mixture of emotions, and he feels like he might just be going crazy.
"Was it the game?" Jensen continues when Jared merely stares at his hands, worrying at the label of the bottle with his fingernail. "I heard. I, uh, I know what they said Jay."
Jared doesn't look at him, can't bring himself to see the pity in those eyes, he thinks if he sees it right now, he really will just break apart. He clears his throat, eyes still downcast.
"No big deal. Wonder if Joe's still out back. Third time lucky right?" And Jared slides out the door in search of Joe, at least that's what he tells himself, but really it feels more like running away. He finds Joe on the back porch, cigarette in hand and Jared falls down onto the bench next to him.
His blood's boiling, a mixture of anger and lust and confusion, he's so damn horny, a combination of beer and Jensen, probably mostly Jensen if he lets himself be honest about it and Jared knows this isn't fair to Joe. It isn't fair to look at the guy and compare, to take in the light hair the same as Jensen's, the strong cheek bones, not as soft but still as striking, but it's the eyes he can't get over and as he leans in, presses his mouth against Joe's, he closes his so he can let himself imagine a flash of green looking back at him. He's a real jerk.
Joe doesn't pull back, wraps his fingers in the shirt at Jared's chest and pulls him closer. The press of lips is hard and Jared's part, tongue darting out, licking across the inseam of Joe's lips. They open on a sigh and Jared pushes forward, tongue sweeping inside, tangling against Joe's. The hand in Jared's shirt fists tighter in response.
It's nice Jared thinks, maybe he doesn't feel an all-consuming need, a need for fast and now and I'm going to die if I don't have this. It's more of a slow burn in the pit of his stomach, a steady build of need and that works too, he tells himself, but still his mind is niggling away at him, because this isn't what he craves and surely it isn't fair on either of them.
Jared pulls back, every intention of leaving it at that, a curious kiss on the back porch and he stands searching through his mind for words. Joe's hand is still fisted in his top, and he rises with Jared, pushing him until his back hits the wall. He could stop this, hell he probably should stop this, but he isn't a saint and when Joe's teeth latch onto his neck his hips buck involuntarily against Joe. Single and willing Jared tells himself as Joe's hands find his belt buckle and he groans in response, he can let himself have this, just once.
This is Chris' porch, anyone could walk out and see and that should mean something to him but it doesn't, he can't really care about that right now because he's so confused because he wants this, but not this and that makes no sense to him. He wants those lips to be fuller, more insistent, he needs those hands to be bigger to be rougher but as the hands abruptly leave his body altogether he moans in distress, because someone's hands are better than no ones.
Jared opens his eyes to see Joe glaring at Jensen and Jared's face blossom's red with embarrassment as he takes in the scene. Jensen is saying something to Joe, voice low and Joe looks pissed, but Jensen, Jensen looks close to murder and Jared's lust hazed mind can't really comprehend what's happening. As Joe skulks away Jared feels that haze lifting feels anger filtering through. Anger that he sees matched in Jensen as he turns to him, why had he wanted those green eyes looking back at him so badly?
"What is your damn problem?" Jared asks, fastening his belt buckle, his fingers shaking a little in embarrassment and rage; get a hold of yourself Padalecki.
"What are you doing Jared?" Jensen's ability to evade questions is starting to piss Jared off, more than getting cock-blocked by his supposed friend.
"Not getting laid apparently." Jared scoffs. He's pretty sure it wouldn't have gotten that far with Joe, just a nice fumble in the dark, one you forget about and put down to too many beers but it's the principle, it's the sheer arrogance of Jensen's actions that has him so worked up.
"Don't be a dick." Jensen says and Jared looks at him in disbelief, him? He's pretty sure that out of the two of them on the porch the dick right now isn't him and he opens his mouth to tell Jensen just that. They're face to face, Jared with his back against the wall still and he's not really sure how that happened, nor is he sure how Jensen crowds him in further, fuses his mouth against Jared's to prevent any further argument. It just, it sort of happens.
And there it is, the fire that he's been missing. He feels it scold as Jensen presses hard against him, soft lips working, tongue flicking, and then his teeth bite down on Jared's bottom lip and he can't stifle the moan that works from his throat. Need is coursing through his veins, from the simple contact of mouth against mouth, but really there's nothing simple about it.
He should be angry, he is angry, but he feels himself melt into Jensen, because this is Jensen, the guy he's been dreaming about for the past few months. He groans as Jensen's leg rests between his, thigh pressing knowingly against him and that feels good, it feels so much better than good, but damn it's not nearly enough. He's hard and needy and he can't help himself from bucking against Jensen, anything to get a little more pressure, a little more friction.
When their lips finally part, Jensen trails his down along Jared's jaw, his neck, until he finds the spot Joe had been working and bites down hard, it'll leave a mark Jared knows, it's almost as if Jensen is branding him his and fuck that's hot.
"Jesus Jen." Jared blurts out, if Jensen just touched him, he just needs Jensen to touch him, but the heat of Jensen's body is replaced by cool air as Jensen steps back and their eyes hold, Jared panting, lifting his fingers to brush over swollen lips, he can still feel Jensen there, can still taste him and then Jensen's gone.
Jared sags down against the wall, more confused than ever. Did Jensen just kiss him? Did Jensen just kiss him and then leave? He wants to cry, he's so damn frustrated, his body is worked up without any hope of release and his mind is fucked up, what just happened?
He sits there waiting for reality to hit him and when it does he pushes himself up, goes to find Chris but is only greeted with Chris' message that Jensen left, 'pissed off about something by the looks of it', and Jared thinks that that makes two of them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 4) | Part 5 | Next (Part 6)
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 4) | Part 5 | Next (Part 6)
He's going to be sick; he's going to throw up right here in the locker room. No, no he isn't. Get a grip Padalecki. Deep breaths Jared tells himself. Just keep breathing. In. Out. This is just another day. This is just another game. There's a chuckle to his right distracting him, he turns to see Mike.
"So on a scale of one to ten, how much are you freaking out right now?"
"A million." Jared answers, damn his voice sounds shaky.
"That bad huh?" Mike's smiling at him and the dam breaks and all the fear and worry Jared's been holding back just flows out. He doesn't think about Mike's reaction, he doesn't think how the guys can use this to rip in to him all season, he doesn't think at all.
"Which is stupid right?" Jared pushes back unruly pieces of hair nervously, why does his voice have to sound so damn shaky? "Because I probably won't even get to play this game. I probably won't get to play a game until like Christmas. They're just putting me on the bench because of the press right? I'll probably just sit on the sidelines and watch, you know, maybe get a touch at the end if it's going right. Just to feel me out, to make sure I'm not a total train wreck, and I can do that, I mean a couple of minutes on the ice I can cope with that, but what if I totally fuck up those few minutes Mike, what if-"
"JT, relax. You've got this man." Mike's hand rests on Jared's knee a touch that isn't uncommon between the two of them, a touch that Jared finds strangely relaxing.
When people, scratch that, when guys find out you're gay there doesn't get to be much in the way of contact, like somehow a touch to the shoulder, or a slap on the back and suddenly they've caught a love of cock, just like you might the flu. It's stupid, but hey so is homophobia. But Jared, even from being young, he's always been a touchy kind of guy. Until he came out he never second guessed the way he'd sling his arm around someone's shoulder or pull them in for a hug, because it was never sexual for him, it was never about that, so it's nice that Mike's like this with him, comfortable enough to just treat him like any other guy and comfortable enough to let Jared do the same.
"Yeah but what if -"
"You know all the plays man," Mike cuts him off again. "You've been linking up great with Jensen and Chris in training, even been getting a few pucks past Justin. Just stop thinking about it yeah? The rest will come."
Jared nods his assent. Mike's right, he should just switch off his brain, stop thinking about it all. If only his brain would listen to him. He misses the majority of Kripke's pre-game talk, the parts he does catch are about it being time to make an impression and to start the season as they mean to go on and are they gonna let the Bolts come into their home and walk all over them. Jared's mildly aware of the roar of 'No' that echoes round the locker room, but his voice doesn't join them.
His brain finally stops working as he steps out into the arena, when he looks up at the sea of roaring fans, chanting for him, for them, he sucks in a sharp breath. It isn't the first time he's been here and sure he's played games with the team, and the fans were there, but this is different because this is it, this is his first game in the NHL.
Panic bubbles in the pit of his stomach and he wills it back, eyes scanning the crowd and that's when he sees her. Sandy. Way to the left of the Bruins bench about five rows back and she's smiling knowingly at him, waving, mouthing something that Jared is sure is something along the lines of 'stop being an idiot' and that's all it takes, to see the person that has become his family, that has supported him through everything, here, cheering him on and everything inside him settles. He knows everything is going to be alright.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"YOU WERE AMAZING!" Comes Sandy's voice down the corridor as they hurry over to meet each other. Most of the crowd of fans have emptied out now, only the few stragglers still left turn to see what the commotion is about.
"I had like five minutes of ice time." Jared says, scooping her up into a bear hug that has Sandy giggling. She winds her arms around his neck, squeezes him tight and Jared lets himself sink into her.
"Five minutes in which you stole the puck sending that douche who'd been skating around like he owned the ice all night flying and found Jensen. Yeah Jared, an assist given five minutes of ice time is nothing for your first game as an NHL BRUIN!" Sandy pulls back and Jared grins as she smirks, he's forgotten how great for his ego Sandy is.
"And that Jensen, is he a secret supermodel Jare? Currently single? Looking for a fiery brunette to sweep off her feet?"
Jared's face feels like it's on fire, she doesn't realise, he didn't tell her that Jensen was the one. She looks up at him face turning from teasing to puzzled as she takes him in until finally she squints her eyes at him and then her jaw drops and he knows she's worked it out. Why can't he play these things cool and aloof? Why can't he be off-hand and say oh Jensen, yeah he's got a girl, not stand there beetroot red and tongue-tied. He's never tongue-tied.
"No?" She gapes at him, hand against his chest, leaning in, feigning the need for support. Damn drama queen. "He isn't. No... You didn't? With Jensen Ackles?"
Jared just shrugs, this conversation seems to have taken an uncomfortable turn , could they just go back to talking about the game, and how awesome he apparently is.
"Whoa... Well, if I had to be anyone's college experiment, I'd certainly have signed me up for that experience."
And just like that Jared's face breaks out into a smile, laughter bubbling up and out of him before he can stop it.
That's how Jensen finds them, doubled over in laughter, Jared leaning against Sandy, but when Jared looks up eyes settling on Jensen, the laughter in his throat abruptly dies. Sandy looks round to see why, spots Jensen and bursts into another fit of giggles. Jensen shifts awkwardly from his right foot to his left and Jared is actually starting to feel sorry for the guy.
"Don't mind her." Jared says, throwing Jensen a lifeline. "She forgot to take the pills for her crazy today."
Jensen's eyes shift from Jared to Sandy and back. "Erm... Okay. Mike wanted me to catch up with you, we're going for drinks, thought you might wanna come with." Jensen's eyes are on Sandy again who's managed to stifle her giggles. "If you're not too busy that is."
"Drinks?" Jared asks, as if it's really a question, he knows Sandy's dying to grill his new team mates, especially Jensen.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If Jared had known Danneel was going to be making an appearance he might have chosen to be 'too busy'. He likes her sure, but that doesn't mean he wants to have the fact that she's with Jensen and he's not rubbed in his face, only no one really realises they're rubbing it in his face, because, oh yeah, no one knows Jensen and him had a thing. Jared's beginning to hate his stupidly complicated life.
And as if dealing with Danneel wasn't enough he's been running interference between Jensen and Sandy all night too. He knows Sandy won't say anything to Jensen intentionally, she's too smart for that, she'll wheedle the things she wants to know out of him without him even knowing, but Jared's just a little bit worried about what she might do with that information. But then he's even more worried when she strikes up a conversation with Danneel as if they're lifelong friends. He needs patience, an endless amount of patience to get through this night, and maybe, no definitely, something stronger than beer.
"So I'm thinking I might have to get a place." Jared tells Mike, Jensen and Chris turning to listen as he talks. He's been thinking about it since he signed, he even talked to Jerry about it, he's got this money now, and he needs somewhere to live. It'd all been too much of a whirlwind beforehand, what with the signing and the press and then training camp. Plus there'd been the thought that if he bought something he'd be jinxing everything, that he wouldn't end up making the team, but be tied here because he'd bought a place.
Even now, he isn't sure. It's a long time since he put down any permanent roots.
"I was thinking an apartment maybe, decent sized one, with good security. I'm just done with hotel rooms, and that shitty place I'm renting. Why don't they ever buy decent sized beds? My feet keep hanging off the end." His voice ends on a whine, it's not a big thing, but if this is going to be home he needs to take care of those little things too, before they all build up on him.
"Cos you're a giant JT." Mike chirps, agreement passing between them. Jared launches a peanut, hitting Mike squarely in the eye. "And here was I ready to offer to house hunt with you. Do it yourself dick." Mike teases throwing the peanut back at Jared.
It's only been a few weeks, but it feels good to have these people surrounding him, it feels good to be part of something that so closely resembles family. It feels like he belongs.
"Should we be worried about those two?" Jensen asks, nodding his head in the girls' direction, grin wide.
"Probably, knowing Sandy she'll be spilling all my embarrassing stories." And Jared groans, because that's probably true, the guys are gonna have material to rip into him for the rest of the season, hell, maybe next season too.
"Oh really? So I'm definitely in the wrong conversation. Sandy!" Jensen raises his voice over the crowd. "Jared here says you've got embarrassing stories."
Jared shoots her a look of warning that blatantly screams 'don't you dare', the look she sends back at him is one of 'I'll do as I damn well please' and the unspoken conversation goes unnoticed by the rest of the table.
"I might." Sandy says disinterested. "What's in it for me?"
"What will two beers get us?" Jensen asks and when Sandy smiles slyly Jared knows he's done for.
Two hours and an unknown amount of beers later and Jared wants to die.
"That hairstyle was ridiculous and you know it, but you tried to act so cool about it because your momma told you that if you acted like it didn't bother you we'd all stop making fun of you for it." Sandy doesn't know it yet, but Jared's just decided she's about to become his ex-best friend. If she moves on to tell the bambi-on-ice story, that's what she's taken to call Jared's time on the ice through puberty, when he'd had a growth spurt and shot up like a weed and not really been in control of any of his limbs any more, then he's going to murder her in her sleep, consequences be damned.
"As if you can say anything about hair styles." Jared says indignantly. "You got a perm. You looked like a damn poodle."
"You said it looked nice." Sandy gasps.
"Well I lied, like a good friend is supposed to." Jared sticks his tongue out at her.
"Think we should break this up." Chris pipes in. "Before the two of you start throwing punches."
"As if she could reach." Jared jokes and Sandy pounces at him almost knocking him off his chair. He catches her, standing to avoid falling and wraps an arm companionably around her shoulders. Sandy leans in as the conversation rolls on around them and Jared feels happy, happier than he has in a long time.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"I'm going to kill you." Sandy whines. "Then bring you back so you can carry me home. Please say we're nearly done Jare. I need aspirin and coffee and to be horizontal. I feel like I'm dying."
"That's karma. Pay back is a bitch I hear." Jared pulls the car over and stills the engine, before turning to her, breaking out his best puppy dog eyes and pleading. "Come on this is the last one."
Jared had pulled Sandy, grumbling and cursing, out of bed at nine that morning full of excitement at the idea of finding his own place. He'd called Jerry once he knew he'd got a permanent place with the Bruins and asked him if he could find him a place in Boston and Jerry had told him not a problem. True to his word he'd faxed over a list of places and viewing times last night and Jared had been full of energy to go look for his future home.
Sandy on the other hand had not been quite so amiable, probably had something to do with the late night and the large amount of beer she'd drunk, and she'd grumbled as they'd driven to apartment after apartment and grumbled more when Jared had decided none of them were for him. He isn't sure what he's waiting for. Sandy has asked him what was wrong with the places they'd been to and he hadn't been able to give her an answer, because in truth there was nothing wrong with them, nothing at all, they just, he couldn't see himself there and he wasn't sure he could make her understand that.
Only one place left on his list, a house, and he feels so deflated in comparison to this morning because he doesn't really want a house, there's just him after all, what would he do with all that space? No, an apartment is more practical.
Jared climbs out of the car, turns as he shuts the door and his breath catches in his chest. It's set back from the street, pretty little detached house, white with blue shutters, porch wrapping around the front, down the sides, and he wonders if it stretches round the back too. It's quiet, he realises, it's peaceful and he's fallen half in love with it, just with one look.
He walks forward without any thought for Sandy; he just needs to see more. The garden out front is wild, overgrown and with a little work Jared thinks it could be fantastic. On a closer look he notices the house could use a little paint, the porch needs sanding, the steps rebuilding. But that's fixable, it's not a deal breaker. House just needs a little love, just like Jared.
There's an apple tree down the side to the left of the house a rope swing hanging from one of the branches and he can't help but sit down. From here he looks out on the street, it's far enough back to be private, but close enough to still belong to the street. And then he sees Sandy leaning against the side of the car smiling fondly at him.
"Don't even need to look inside do you?" She asks as she joins him by the swing and he gets up, lets her sit, pulls the seat backwards and lets it go.
"No." He admits, pushing her.
"What if it's a dump?" She points out. Jared prays it isn't, but even if it is, he's pretty sure he won't care.
"I'll fix it up. It's perfect Sandy. It's quiet. Far enough out of the city that you don't get the hustle and bustle but close enough to get to training." Jared stills the swing, sits down next to her when she scoots over. "I can see myself here."
If she notices the way his voice chokes on those last words or his eyes get glassy, she doesn't mention it, just rests her head on his shoulder swaying in the breeze and they wait for the realtor to arrive so he can buy his home.
Twenty minutes later he's standing in what will be his room, and his heart's racing, because it isn't a dump inside, it's damn near perfect. There are four bedrooms upstairs, two bathrooms, one which is an en-suite off the room he's going to use. The bathrooms are modern, were obviously put in pretty recently and the bath in the en-suite has jets and he's pretty sure it's big enough to fit even his legs in there. Down stairs is pretty open, a lounge running from the front to the back on one side. The kitchen at the back of the house is huge too, backdoor opening on to the porch, island in the middle of the room, just inviting you to sit, and then there's another smaller room that he figures he can use as an office, though why he needs an office he isn't sure. It isn't perfect, it isn't his yet but a little paint here and there, some furniture, some love and it will be.
"You could get that dog." Sandy says from the doorway.
"What dog?" He asks, his room overlooks the garden and he can't help but stare out, he's going to put his bed right here facing the window, so he'll wake up to that pretty view every morning.
"That dog you've always wanted."
"I'm gonna be away a lot." He doesn't deny his want, she knows him too well, but it would be reckless to indulge like that right?
"It's the 21st century Jare, there are these people you can pay who come and walk your dog or look after it when you're not around. Come on, you earn enough now, treat yourself."
"Okay." He agrees. A dog might be nice, someone to come home to, that will always be happy to see you. He could get a kennel, wait, he could build a kennel, a nice little wooden one for the garden.
"They aren't sleeping together."
"What?" Jared asks again, Sandy really needs to stop having half a conversation in her head.
"Jensen and Danneel." She explains, her voice a little gentler this time, like the words aren't rushing to escape anymore. "They aren't sleeping together."
Jared twists round to look at her now, a cynical look in his eye. "But Mike said. I mean, how would you even know that?"
"I have my ways and like Mike knows anything. He doesn't want to either."
Jared scoffs. "Bullshit. Now that you can't possibly know." He'll give her the sex thing, but she can't know that by spending one night out with the guy. Can she? No, don't go there Padalecki.
"When have I ever been wrong?" Sandy points out.
Jared takes a minute before blurting out. "Junior year. You kissed me."
"Got you to admit you were gay didn't I? Plus I was curious." She's teasing him.
Jared sighs his face suddenly serious, sometimes he looks much older than twenty and it breaks Sandy's heart. "You're wrong about this."
"I'm not. It ain't happening and it ain't gonna."
Restlessly Jared moves from the bedroom across the landing into the bathroom, he secretly hopes Sandy won't follow him, no such luck.
"They kissed in public Sandy, and not the 'we're just friends' kind of kissing, it was more the 'let's blow this joint' kind of kissing."
"Kissing ain't fucking Jared."
"Whatever." Jared says. He really needs a beer. Or maybe something stronger. The bathroom suddenly feels too small, it's like everything is pushing in on him. He moves into the second bedroom and she's right there, hounding him. Leave me alone his mind is screaming, please don't make me believe I can have this.
"I think you've got a shot."
And there it is, the words she wished to hell he hadn't said. Jared leans against the wall, resting his head back, eyes closed. But still where the hell did she get that from?
"He watches you. He listens when you speak, like really listens, like he wants to absorb everything you."
"Stop it Sandy it isn't gonna happen." He can't get his hopes up. They're starting to get along, Jensen's being less hostile and Jared's placed himself firmly in the friend zone and he's been coming to terms with that, but now Sandy's words are tearing that all to shreds and bringing back that hope and he can't, he can't hope.
"Jared I'm being serious, you should-"
"-No!" He interrupts. "Just drop it." Jared doesn't give her a chance to answer just pushes past her, takes to the stairs; he needs to find the realtor. Find her and buy his house and forget all about Jensen Ackles.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It takes two weeks for the papers to be finalised on the house, two weeks of nail biting and tense conversations with Jerry, because he has to have it. Hockey doesn't distract him and Sandy's gone, leaving that conversation behind.
He can't get it out of his head, the possibility. Things with Jensen have become less strained, it's easier. They don't spend much time just the two of them, haven't since they'd gone for that beer after that hellish interview. And it hadn't been awkward, it had been nice, even if Jensen hadn't really said much, had just let Jared prattle away for the best part of three hours, pitching in a comment here and there. And that had been the start of something, something that maybe resembles friendship.
Jensen invited him to the guys’ monthly poker game at Chris' and though Jared had lost far more than he'd won, because it turns out that Chris is a damn card shark, he'd enjoyed himself. He'd have enjoyed himself if anyone had invited him, but the fact that it was Jensen had made it all a little sweeter, it makes him feel accepted. But the further in he's drawn in the more his brain and Sandy's words are creating something reminiscent of hope and hope is damn dangerous, because hope leads to possibilities and possibilities lead to wants. He should just be content with what he has. Right?
The day the papers are signed he packs his untouched boxes out of the one bed shit hole he's renting and into the back of his car and moves. He hauls the boxes into the lounge and realises that with a house this big, he's going to need a hell of a lot more stuff, the ten or so boxes aren't going to fill even one room. It hadn't really been a conscious choice but he'd kept personal items to a minimum after he'd left home, he hadn't had the space or the money to indulge in things that weren't a necessity. It's not that he hadn't wanted things, he had, but he just hadn't been able to justify them to himself. Like that games console he'd been dying to buy or a flat screen TV, or a damn bed big enough for him to sleep in. He realises now he hadn't let himself buy any of those things because that's what putting down roots looks like, and at the back of his mind there'd been this niggling little voice that Sandy's couch, the college dorms, even the town house in Vermont, they hadn't been permanent, he couldn't let them be. It's strange now to look around the house, his house he keeps reminding himself, and dream about what he can make it.
He needs furniture, a sofa, some shelves, a TV maybe; it's time to indulge right, even a nice little coffee table could work. He needs knives and forks and spoons and utensils he'll never use to fill the draws in the kitchen. He needs a bed, an extravagantly large bed, one where he can stretch out without fear of falling off. He phones Mike and cons him into house shopping. And Mike might bitch a little, might call Jared a girl when he oohs and ahhhs over things but Jared knows he doesn't really mean it. Much.
When Jared had bought this place he hadn't realised, until Mike was hauling in furniture and had told him, that Jensen's apartment was in fact only a couple of blocks over and despite Jared's protests Mike had phoned him up and talked him into coming over to help. It was nice, friendly and things had definitely begun to change.
In between games and training he strips walls, plasters and re-wallpapers, he paints and hammers nails, he sweats and hurts and through it all his mind is still on Jensen.
It's been a month since that conversation, the team's doing well, nine wins to three losses and Jared's getting more ice time each game, he's become part of the Bruins arsenal and he wants to stay there. He's also becoming Jensen's friend and that's another place he'd like to stay.
The beginning of November he starts sanding down the front porch, it's a project, a project all of his own and he's excited. Two days in he's sweaty and hot, t-shirt clinging to him but the porch is sanded, ready to paint and he's reaching for brushes when Jared notices Jensen and Chris walking across the lawn six-pack in hand. He really needs to get around to cutting the grass, looks like a damn meadow; he's actually becoming fond of it. Screw it, maybe he'll leave it wild and overgrown like that.
It's a surprise to see his team mates, but Jared decides it's a pleasant one. It's nice to have a place; it's even nicer to have friends that feel comfortable enough to just stop by.
"Thought you could use an extra couple of hands." Jensen grins up at Jared and Jared waves them up onto the front porch, trying to contain himself, because visitors, he's got visitors. And one of them is Jensen. Jensen who might just be his friend now. It had started with that beer he supposed, then the training, and the moving in, but Jared feels like they've turned a corner. Sure, there'll be the odd scowl now and again, but he's getting a chance to see the real Jensen, he's getting it aimed directly at him instead of having to watch from the sidelines and it shouldn't make him so happy.
"Nice." Chris says as he joins them and Jared hadn't really realised he'd been waiting for approval but it's great, the joy washes over him.
"You need a better fence though JT. A bit more security, what with you being a big up and coming star." Chris jokes, no malice behind the words.
"Yeah yeah. I've got a guy coming over next week to sort it out. You sound like my manager." Jared groans.
"I bet he's ruggedly handsome and a hit with the ladies too." Chris puts on a serious voice, and Jared can't help laughing because Jerry and Chris are about as different as two people could get.
"If he was the last guy on earth maybe, no, probably not even then. So are you two just gonna stand around looking pretty, afraid to break your nails?" Jared teases throwing a paint brush at them both.
Several hours of sweat and bitching later, the porch is painted and Jared's pretty damn proud of himself and he can't hold back the grin from his face as he surveys the work.
He pulls back on his beer and leans in the doorjamb of his house. His house. It's starting to truly feel like that. He has a home now, he realises, it's been far too long since he's had a place to call that and the ache inside his chest, the one that festers and never truly goes away, it lessens just a little at the thought of home, his home.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
He buys a rocking chair for the corner of the porch, he's dozing in the dying sun when footsteps rouse him and he looks up into green eyes, can't help but return the smile of greeting Jensen aims at him. It's happened a couple of times now, Jensen will just turn up, Chris in tow or Steve or Mike. Was in the neighbourhood he'll say or wanted to see how the house was looking. Jensen never says he drops by just to see Jared and even though he shouldn't, Jared likes to let himself believe that Jensen does. That Jensen stops by just to talk or drink or hang out. To just be around Jared. He feels like that 12 year-old again.
Sometimes he stops by after practise, with one of the guys and they'll sit on the porch and laugh until the last light dims and then they'll leave and the house will suddenly become somehow emptier.
Having Jensen there, even with Chris or Mike or Steve makes him want to keep him and he knows he can't. But if he can have friendship, if he can see the real Jensen then he thinks that might just be enough, or at least it will have to be.
They ride together for the Dallas game. It'll be easier, makes sense, Jensen tells him. Chris is throwing one of his famous after parties and they apparently don't need two cars to leave at Chris', isn't the space. It's the first time they've really spent any time just the two of them alone since The Beer, as Jared's now taken to calling it, and though neither of them has much to say, minds focused on the match ahead, the silence between them isn't uncomfortable. If anything it's companionable and when Jared puts on his pads, enters the rink he feels steadier than he has since he left Vermont.
The moment the whistle blows and he hits the ice though, his calm shatters. He's nowhere near the puck, nowhere near the action and the Stars' 25 sends him hurtling into the boards. He has no idea what just happened, just that he can feel the aftermath in the ache in his left side. The ref whistle blows out, signals the penalty and 25 leaves the ice, but Jared doesn't miss the look he shares with Rafferty and his stomach drops, fuck, he knows it's only the first of many.
It's rough and dirty and violent and Jared's pretty sure he's going to be feeling the bruises for weeks, he'll be lucky if finishes out the match with all his limbs and bone intact. He hasn't got a clue of the score, can only focus on his breathing. He's got one period to go, just one more and then this'll all be over.
It had started with just 25, with the checking and the occasional 'fucking homo' and then one or two others had caught on, until it felt like the whole team had it out for him.
He glances at the clock, 15 minutes to go and that glance costs him as he hits the boards for what seems like the millionth time, but his hip jars painfully as two bodies crush him. The cool that he's been so desperately holding onto shatters as 25 mutters 'dirty fag' loud enough to be heard and it's the last damn straw.
"You're standing close enough; I might think you're asking to be blowed." He spits back and Jared knows it's stupid, knows he should have held his tongue even as the words spill from it. The guy isn't bigger than Jared, but he has him at a disadvantage and he raises his arm resting it against Jared's windpipe as Jared tries desperately to push him off. In all the kafuffle he's lost his stick and finds himself completely defenceless. He hears the whistle blowing, eyes stinging in relief as the guy's pulled backwards, Jensen's familiar frame getting between the two of them.
"Back off." Jensen warns as Chris stops by Jensen's side ready to back him up.
Jared focuses on his breathing, tries to will the pain of his hip away as chaos breaks out on the ice in front of him, players shouting grappling, others trying to cool it off, break it up. The crowd is a mixture of cheers and booing and Jared's head swims, with lack of oxygen and bewilderment.
"What was that about?" Jensen's voice cuts through the haze.
Jared drops his head, he's done for the game he knows it and he doesn't really feel like getting into this with Jensen. "Nothing."
"I'm not a fucking idiot Jay." There's that nickname again, it brings warmth and disappointment to his chest and Jared grits his teeth.
"It was nothing okay, just drop it." He pushes past Jensen, joins the bench. He still doesn't know the score when the game finishes, he's too angry and focussing everything on not losing it.
~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~
The anger hasn't dissipated by the time he walks into Chris' and Jared is thankful for the beer he's handed. He's surrounded by happy, by celebration, turns out they won that damn game and Jared should feel pleased about that, but his dark mood just won't let him.
It's a long time since he's had a match like that, it's a long time since he's been in a situation like that at all but it always works him up like this. He's a laid back guy, he's friendly and talkative and for the most part calm, anger isn't a mood that suits him, all it does is sit and fester, like it is right now.
"You okay dude?" Chris asks as he takes in Jared.
"Yeah man, just need to let off a little steam." Jared assures, and it's true he really does.
"Just what I needed to hear." Chris smirks turning to point in the direction of the lounge. "My man, Joe there, recently single, 100% gay and may or may not have a little thing for the Bruin's newest star. Just, don't tell him I told you that."
Jared eyes the guy from where he's standing, he's got a good couple of inches on the guy, but hey he has that on most. His hair's light, ruffled, even more so as he unconsciously drags his fingers through it. They guy's wearing jeans and some old band t-shirt that's just the right side of tight to hint at the body beneath, but still leave a little to the imagination. Jared would be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued.
Recently single means no strings. 100% gay, well that's a plus since he's been pining for a straight guy for the better part of the past two months. Has a little thing for him, well that means it won't take too much work. That's what he wants, that's what he needs, quick and fast with no need for phone conversations or awkward morning afters. He isn't one for one-nightstands, doesn't really care for sex without feelings but when he gets like this he just has to work the mad out of his system, usually with sex, other times he'll spend a few hours at the gym beating the shit out of a punch bag. Whilst violence has its appeal, Jared would much rather work this all out with a little sex, pleasure and satisfaction. Yeah, he could definitely go for Joe.
He walks over, takes the seat between Joe and Mike without invitation and sees the guy beam at him.
"Jared." Mike smiles and Jared works up one in return. "This is Joe."
"Hi." Jared says holding out his hand, Joe fumbles with his beer before grasping his hand and shaking, Jared squeezes, shakes, runs his thumb over the guy's wrist and holds for longer than is really necessary. Is he being subtle? No. Does he care? Hell no.
"Beer?" Mike asks getting up, and Jared looks to Joe in question who nods.
"Yeah two. Thanks man." Jared doesn't move over as Mike leaves just keeps his body snug up against Joe's gauging his reaction and when Joe doesn't flinch or move away, when his body just kind angles itself into Jared's, well, Jared feels pretty damn pleased with himself. He'll thank Chris later.
"Nice game today." Joe says finally finding his voice. "Though I'm surprised you're still walking."
Jared chuckles in anything but humour. "Drink to numb the pain; I'll pay for it tomorrow." And Joe laughs, before looking past Jared as a shadow falls over them and the space next to Jared is filled.
"Hey, you tried Chris' punch tonight?" Joe asks Jensen as he takes the seat next to Jared and Jared curses silently. There can't be a God he tells himself, because a God surely wouldn't be that damn cruel.
"I'm never touching that stuff again after last time." Jensen laughs, leaning back resting his arm along the back of the sofa behind Jared and Jared has to stop himself from snuggling in and asking just what happened last time. Focus he tells himself, focus. Jensen is off limits, no matter what Sandy says. Joe is very much within limits. But he can't seem to get that through to his body as it reacts to the press of Jensen's thigh against his.
He stands abruptly, mumbles something about Mike and beer and moves off into the kitchen. If he'd sat there much longer he'd have ended up embarrassing himself, as it is there's still a chance he will and he adjusts his jeans as he finds Mike with the beer, he needs a good few more before he's comfortable to deal with that situation again.
Joe finds him in the kitchen a good hour and several beers later. He's got a good buzz going and he's even less subtle than earlier as he pulls Joe hard against his body.
"So Chris never told me how you two know each other." His voice rises above the music so Joe can hear him.
"College." Joe says. "Chris used to be in a band and I filled in a couple of times when they needed me."
Jared turns directly to Joe. "Wait, Chris was in a band?"
"Damn straight I was." Chris says, joining the conversation in the kitchen with Jensen.
"Voice of an angel." Jensen smirks earning himself a swat across the head and a chuckle from Chris.
"Jealous Jenny?" Chris asks.
"As if I want to sound like a cat being strangled." Jensen teases and Chris only shakes his head in defeat when Justin shouts from the lounge and with a 'this isn't over' look aimed at Jensen he leaves the three of them alone. Again. Jared's luck is having a real off day. Then again when was the last time it really had an on day?
Jensen's eyeing Joe warily and Jared doesn't get it. It's uncomfortable until Joe pulls his cigarettes from his pocket and heads out back. It's weird Jared thinks, so different from when Jensen had joined them earlier and they'd all been full of smiles.
So then it's just Jensen and Jared in the kitchen and Jared can't help but hold his hands up in defeat and chuckle to himself.
"What?" Jensen asks, boosting himself up onto the working top, and Jared can't help but notice the flex of muscles as he does that. He's blaming the tug of lust in his groin on the alcohol, because alcohol makes him horny, and that's all this is. Liar.
"It's just funny." Jared says as if that explains everything.
"What is?" Jensen crooks his head to the side, watching him.
"How bad I apparently suck at hooking up." He hadn't meant to say that, especially to Jensen, but beer, as well as making him want to jump people, well one person, has a way of loosening his tongue, until there's no filter between thoughts and words, not that there's much of one with Jared anyway.
"Oh." It's quiet for a few minutes, only the blare of music from next door and Jared can suddenly feel the tension in the room, where did that come from? "I thought he was bothering you."
Jensen's frowning at him and Jared senses a hint of anger which he can't understand. What does Jensen have to be angry about?
"Nope, I think I'm bothering him to be honest." There's weariness to Jared's voice, he's wondering if he was wrong about the whole Joe thing.
"You okay man?" Jensen asks, and Jared let's himself see sincere care in Jensen's eyes, his mood needs it. Jared shrugs, taking another swig of his beer, he's a mixture of emotions, and he feels like he might just be going crazy.
"Was it the game?" Jensen continues when Jared merely stares at his hands, worrying at the label of the bottle with his fingernail. "I heard. I, uh, I know what they said Jay."
Jared doesn't look at him, can't bring himself to see the pity in those eyes, he thinks if he sees it right now, he really will just break apart. He clears his throat, eyes still downcast.
"No big deal. Wonder if Joe's still out back. Third time lucky right?" And Jared slides out the door in search of Joe, at least that's what he tells himself, but really it feels more like running away. He finds Joe on the back porch, cigarette in hand and Jared falls down onto the bench next to him.
His blood's boiling, a mixture of anger and lust and confusion, he's so damn horny, a combination of beer and Jensen, probably mostly Jensen if he lets himself be honest about it and Jared knows this isn't fair to Joe. It isn't fair to look at the guy and compare, to take in the light hair the same as Jensen's, the strong cheek bones, not as soft but still as striking, but it's the eyes he can't get over and as he leans in, presses his mouth against Joe's, he closes his so he can let himself imagine a flash of green looking back at him. He's a real jerk.
Joe doesn't pull back, wraps his fingers in the shirt at Jared's chest and pulls him closer. The press of lips is hard and Jared's part, tongue darting out, licking across the inseam of Joe's lips. They open on a sigh and Jared pushes forward, tongue sweeping inside, tangling against Joe's. The hand in Jared's shirt fists tighter in response.
It's nice Jared thinks, maybe he doesn't feel an all-consuming need, a need for fast and now and I'm going to die if I don't have this. It's more of a slow burn in the pit of his stomach, a steady build of need and that works too, he tells himself, but still his mind is niggling away at him, because this isn't what he craves and surely it isn't fair on either of them.
Jared pulls back, every intention of leaving it at that, a curious kiss on the back porch and he stands searching through his mind for words. Joe's hand is still fisted in his top, and he rises with Jared, pushing him until his back hits the wall. He could stop this, hell he probably should stop this, but he isn't a saint and when Joe's teeth latch onto his neck his hips buck involuntarily against Joe. Single and willing Jared tells himself as Joe's hands find his belt buckle and he groans in response, he can let himself have this, just once.
This is Chris' porch, anyone could walk out and see and that should mean something to him but it doesn't, he can't really care about that right now because he's so confused because he wants this, but not this and that makes no sense to him. He wants those lips to be fuller, more insistent, he needs those hands to be bigger to be rougher but as the hands abruptly leave his body altogether he moans in distress, because someone's hands are better than no ones.
Jared opens his eyes to see Joe glaring at Jensen and Jared's face blossom's red with embarrassment as he takes in the scene. Jensen is saying something to Joe, voice low and Joe looks pissed, but Jensen, Jensen looks close to murder and Jared's lust hazed mind can't really comprehend what's happening. As Joe skulks away Jared feels that haze lifting feels anger filtering through. Anger that he sees matched in Jensen as he turns to him, why had he wanted those green eyes looking back at him so badly?
"What is your damn problem?" Jared asks, fastening his belt buckle, his fingers shaking a little in embarrassment and rage; get a hold of yourself Padalecki.
"What are you doing Jared?" Jensen's ability to evade questions is starting to piss Jared off, more than getting cock-blocked by his supposed friend.
"Not getting laid apparently." Jared scoffs. He's pretty sure it wouldn't have gotten that far with Joe, just a nice fumble in the dark, one you forget about and put down to too many beers but it's the principle, it's the sheer arrogance of Jensen's actions that has him so worked up.
"Don't be a dick." Jensen says and Jared looks at him in disbelief, him? He's pretty sure that out of the two of them on the porch the dick right now isn't him and he opens his mouth to tell Jensen just that. They're face to face, Jared with his back against the wall still and he's not really sure how that happened, nor is he sure how Jensen crowds him in further, fuses his mouth against Jared's to prevent any further argument. It just, it sort of happens.
And there it is, the fire that he's been missing. He feels it scold as Jensen presses hard against him, soft lips working, tongue flicking, and then his teeth bite down on Jared's bottom lip and he can't stifle the moan that works from his throat. Need is coursing through his veins, from the simple contact of mouth against mouth, but really there's nothing simple about it.
He should be angry, he is angry, but he feels himself melt into Jensen, because this is Jensen, the guy he's been dreaming about for the past few months. He groans as Jensen's leg rests between his, thigh pressing knowingly against him and that feels good, it feels so much better than good, but damn it's not nearly enough. He's hard and needy and he can't help himself from bucking against Jensen, anything to get a little more pressure, a little more friction.
When their lips finally part, Jensen trails his down along Jared's jaw, his neck, until he finds the spot Joe had been working and bites down hard, it'll leave a mark Jared knows, it's almost as if Jensen is branding him his and fuck that's hot.
"Jesus Jen." Jared blurts out, if Jensen just touched him, he just needs Jensen to touch him, but the heat of Jensen's body is replaced by cool air as Jensen steps back and their eyes hold, Jared panting, lifting his fingers to brush over swollen lips, he can still feel Jensen there, can still taste him and then Jensen's gone.
Jared sags down against the wall, more confused than ever. Did Jensen just kiss him? Did Jensen just kiss him and then leave? He wants to cry, he's so damn frustrated, his body is worked up without any hope of release and his mind is fucked up, what just happened?
He sits there waiting for reality to hit him and when it does he pushes himself up, goes to find Chris but is only greeted with Chris' message that Jensen left, 'pissed off about something by the looks of it', and Jared thinks that that makes two of them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
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