Which to bury, us or the hatchet (4/13)
So here's part 4, thanks again to the wonderful masja_17 for a fast beta, hope you all enjoy it.
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The next few days pass by in a blur of drills and plays and unforgiving ice. Jared's somehow reached a level of mutual dislike with Jensen, one where he's given up trying to be his friend, the guy just isn't worth it anymore. He's not sure Jensen notices and Jared tells himself he doesn't care, because he doesn't like Jensen, he doesn't, not even a little, not even a hell of a lot. Liar.
Nerves are twisting his stomach into knots. There's just one game left before the final cuts and Jared knows he needs to keep his mind focused on hockey, on nothing but hockey. He's made an impact he knows that, they've had a good pre-season and he's been a part of that but he just can't be rational about this. He's scared. If he doesn't make it he really hasn't got anything to go back to.
Maybe he's being a little melodramatic when he tells himself that everything is riding on this final game, that his whole future comes down to this, but in his head it does. The moment he'd put pen to paper and become a Bruin his hockey scholarship with Vermont had been void. Without it there's no way of going back, he just can't afford it right now, not sure he'd want to even if he could. Would he really be able to watch his friends play the game he loves from the sidelines? Home isn't really an option either, there's no one waiting to welcome him back to Texas. This is it. His last chance to prove something. God, please don't let him fuck it up.
He gets his first touch 30 minutes into the game they're already 2-1 down and Jared curses himself as he loses the puck, allowing the opposition a chance, one they capitalise on and the Bruins go down another, 3-1. Oh yeah, way to not fuck it up, he thinks to himself.
His game's been off all week, ever since the stupid Capitals game and the stupid bar afterwards. He shouldn't feel hurt should he? So why does he?
He has to watch Jensen's face light up as he scores and he curses whatever God there might be, because it isn't fair, it isn't fair to be this close to what you want and know you can never have it. Danneel had pretty much proven that to him with one damn kiss. One kiss shouldn't make his blood boil with jealousy.
He wills it all away as he steps out onto the ice for the second time, tries to focus on Mike's "You've got this JT". It's just hockey, it's just the same old hockey. Like hell it is.
His usual calm is dissipating as he skates round the rink following the puck, waiting for his chance and then he gets it. He muscles his way across the Capitals 23 stealing the puck and pushes off, circling, there's Jensen to the left of him, 31 skating straight towards him, he weaves, passes and watches Jensen send the puck into the back of the net, skirting past the goalies glove.
Jensen turns to him, smile blossoming across his face and Jared forgets everything, like how he's supposed to be pissed, how Jensen's straight, how he's supposed to be moving on, because that smile is purely for him and it's breathtaking and his heart feels like it's bursting.
Jared feels his smile grow in return, their eyes holding, and he can't put his finger on it, but there's something different there, something more than simple dismissal staring back at him and then the moment's broken, Chris pulling Jensen into a tight hug and Jared feels more than a little unsteady.
They game finishes 4-3, the locker room a buzz of noise and congratulations. They won. Pre-Season's over. But Jared's mind won't quiet. He's angry he realises. With Jensen. With himself. With the whole damn situation. He shouldn’t have taken it, the deal, he could've stayed at college another 2 years, joined the Bruins then, Jensen might've been playing somewhere else by then. But he'd wanted this and Jensen had been one of the biggest reasons for him taking the Bruins offer this year. Foolish to think the great Jensen Ackles would remember a fuck. Foolish to think he could maybe have meant something more. He realises now that's all it was, one night, that's all it ever was, not even worth acknowledging and damn if that doesn't sting a little.
"Nice game out there." Comes the voice of his current tormentor and Jared merely nods in acquiescence. That was almost a compliment, just what kind of game is Jensen playing with him?
~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~
"They want to do an interview." Comes Jerry's voice down the line.
"No." Jared refuses, slamming the door to emphasise his stance on the whole thing.
"With Ackles." Jerry adds and Jared's stomach tightens.
"Oh hell no." He dumps his bag on the bed, sits himself down next to it and sighs. It's been a long few weeks and all he wants is to spend the next couple of days in his own bed, sinking into unconsciousness, where thoughts about one Jensen Ackles won't plague him.
"Come on Jared, one interview, I wouldn't push it if I didn't think it'd be good for you." Jerry has a point, he's never pushed Jared in the wrong direction, but interviews, they just make him antsy. Yes him, the big conversationalist, finds talking to the press just a little uncomfortable. If it was just about the game maybe he wouldn't have such an issue, but over the past few months the questions have been more about his life off the ice than on it. It bugs him.
Jared lies back, stretches an arm over his head and thinks about it. Really thinks about. An interview, he might've taken, but an interview with Jensen? Isn't that tempting fate just a little.
"Do this one and it'll keep the press off your back for a while." Jerry coaxes, and Jared knows he's right. That makes sense.
"You're not gonna let me say no are you?" He asks, and Jared knows that to Jerry that's as good as a yes.
"I'll set it up, let you know the details." He can hear Jerry's brain working out it all out as they speak and Jared can't help but smile at that. "Congrats on making the cut, prouda ya kid. I'll get back to you." Jerry adds hastily, hanging up before Jared can reply.
Jared just lies there, staring up at the ceiling, a little stunned. A little overwhelmed. They've never done anything more than congratulations, at least they never have before and if there's wetness on Jared's cheeks he'll deny it. Jerry's the first person in years to be proud, to say that to him and it touches something in Jared he didn't realise was still there. Longing.
Jared had been shell-shocked when Kripke had told him he'd be a Bruin full-time this season. He'd smiled, said thank you, taken the congratulations but it'd left him with a hollowness in the pit of his stomach, because the moment he'd found out the first thing he'd wanted to do was pick up the phone, call his momma and tell her he'd done it, he'd made it to the NHL, just like he'd said he would. Just like they'd always dreamed.
He'd had to still his fingers from dialling, he wasn't his momma's son anymore. At least that's what she'd told him and he truly believed she'd meant it. It'd been three years since he'd sat his parents down and told them he was gay and they'd looked at him with disgust. His momma had told him it was a phase, that they'd get him help, that they'd cure him of this disease and when he'd explained that it wasn't, that he didn't want help, that this wasn't something they could change she'd told him to leave. No son of hers would be a sinner, no son of hers would disgrace their family like this. He'd said he guessed he wasn't no son of hers then and she'd agreed.
It still stings, to remember the way his hands had shaken as he'd packed what little of his belongings he could carry and closed the door, the way his voice had broken as he'd called Sandy and asked her if she could come get him, the way his shoulders had heaved as she'd held him quietly through the sobs.
It's been three years but his heart's still broken and it had taken a simple "I'm prouda ya" from a man he barely knew to remind him of the family he'd lost. He picks up the phone and dials Sandy's number, she's his family now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jared's never felt quite so intimidated by a woman holding a pad and pen before, but as he sits in front of one Genevieve Cortese, pretty brunette perched on the edge of her seat, he feels himself curl up in defense when she turns to him.
"So how does it feel to be part of the Bruins for this season?" She asks.
"It's good you know." Jared laughs. "Wow, that's pretty lame, it should be amazing right? It is amazing. To be honest it just hasn't sunk in yet, I keep thinking I'm gonna wake up tomorrow back in Vermont and this'll all be a dream. I'm just looking forward to getting out there and playing some hockey, you know."
Genevieve smiles at him before turning towards Jensen, and Jared feels himself relax. He can do this, Jerry told him this would be okay.
"So Jensen, are you looking to be the top scorer in the NHL for the 3rd year running this season?"
Jensen plasters on one of those fake smiles Jared knows so well and Jared clutches the arm rest to keep from gritting his teeth. "We'll just have to see how the season goes won't we Gen?"
They know each other? Jensen's using nicknames? Jared wonders when Jensen fucked her, and damn he's becoming cynical where Jensen's concerned, maybe a tad jealous too.
"Can't pry anymore than that out of you? Not even if I asked if you think Jared here might give you a run for your money, he did hold the record for most goals scored in a season at Vermont." Jared's taken aback by that, seems someone did their homework.
Jensen merely snorts.
"Hey, what's that for, I could totally beat your ass." Jared frowns and Jensen smiles at him, not the fake smile he used earlier, but one of those ones that spread across his face to the crinkles in his eyes and Jared can't help smiling back.
"Come off it Jay, as if." Jensen chuckles and Jared feels a blush bloom across his cheeks, dips his head to cover, because the last time anyone called him that, hell the only time anyone called him that he'd had his mouth wrapped around Jensen's dick, Jensen's hands digging into his scalp, and he's half hard just thinking about it. About the way Jensen's voice had been thick with lust, his words dirty and begging and Jared clears his throat hoping to dislodge the image of half glazed eyes looking down at him because if he keeps this up he's gonna lose it right here.
Lust swells into anger and his chest feels heavy. It isn't enough that the guy has to pretend it never happened, it isn't enough that he's made it perfectly clear he hates Jared, now, now he has taunt him about it as well. His fists clench, his head's still low and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat missing the matching redness of Jensen's face.
"So there's no rivalry between the two of you? Jared's being tipped as the next big thing and you, well, you're the current one." Genevieve cajoles. She's fishing and they all know it.
"Can see why he's tipped as the next big thing. Giant. Be lucky if he manages to stay on his feet all season." Jensen smirks and Jared admires the way Jensen manages to answer every question without actually answering the question.
"If I remember right, it isn't me who has a love affair with the ice." Jared throws in, drawing out the love the same way Chris had and Jensen half-heartedly punches him in the shoulder before turning back to Genevieve.
Genevieve keeps firing routine questions at them over the next 20 minutes, who do you tip to win this season, what do you think of the new rookies you're likely to face, what's the step up from college hockey to the big leagues really like and Jared feels himself wearing thin, he's tired of having to joke with Jensen, he likes it, but he's confused by this weird pretend friendship they somehow seem to have going. He's tired of the act of it all because he'd pretty much love it to be reality.
"Are your family supportive of your move from college and into the NHL?" Genevieve blindsides him and Jared feels his face fall, feels his gut turn, he takes a breath, takes another and fakes a smile.
"I've been working towards the NHL since the first day I skated, it's been the dream you know and I'm surrounded by loving people who will always support me, it's them that have got me here. The NHL is a once in a lifetime thing and college? If, when this is all over, if that's something I still want I can go back and finish that."
If Genevieve realises Jared completely avoided that question she doesn't let on, just railroads him with another.
"Do you still stand by your decision to come out as a gay athlete?"
Jared digs his nails into the palm of his hand unconsciously, he's so tired of this damn question, how many times will they ask this, how many more interviews are going to be more about his sexuality rather than his ability to play hockey?
"Come on Gen." Jensen starts before Jared has a chance to answer. "Out there on the ice it's all about hockey, it's not about who I or Jared take home at night, that ain't anyone's business but our own and it shouldn't factor into the game."
Jared looks about as startled as Genevieve does, there's an edge to Jensen's words, and Jared lays a hand on his shoulder when he opens his mouth to continue.
"It's okay Jensen." He sends him what he hopes is a reassuring smile, then looks directly at Genevieve. "Would my life have been easier to be a straight man playing hockey? Of course it would, but I'm not a straight guy, I never have been and I have no problems with that. It was a big decision whether I was going to tell people, but I didn't want to treat a part of myself like I was ashamed, like it was wrong, because I wasn't and it's not. So I took an interview and I told the world." He pauses. "And yeah I'd probably do it all again."
It's another 20 minutes before the interview's finished and as they leave Jared lets out a breath of relief, it's never easy to have someone poke around in your life like that, but he's had worse.
"Fancy a beer?" Jensen asks and Jared can't help but agree.
He can't put his finger on it, but it feels like maybe something's changed.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 3) | Part 4 | Next (Part 5)
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Back (Part 3) | Part 4 | Next (Part 5)
The next few days pass by in a blur of drills and plays and unforgiving ice. Jared's somehow reached a level of mutual dislike with Jensen, one where he's given up trying to be his friend, the guy just isn't worth it anymore. He's not sure Jensen notices and Jared tells himself he doesn't care, because he doesn't like Jensen, he doesn't, not even a little, not even a hell of a lot. Liar.
Nerves are twisting his stomach into knots. There's just one game left before the final cuts and Jared knows he needs to keep his mind focused on hockey, on nothing but hockey. He's made an impact he knows that, they've had a good pre-season and he's been a part of that but he just can't be rational about this. He's scared. If he doesn't make it he really hasn't got anything to go back to.
Maybe he's being a little melodramatic when he tells himself that everything is riding on this final game, that his whole future comes down to this, but in his head it does. The moment he'd put pen to paper and become a Bruin his hockey scholarship with Vermont had been void. Without it there's no way of going back, he just can't afford it right now, not sure he'd want to even if he could. Would he really be able to watch his friends play the game he loves from the sidelines? Home isn't really an option either, there's no one waiting to welcome him back to Texas. This is it. His last chance to prove something. God, please don't let him fuck it up.
He gets his first touch 30 minutes into the game they're already 2-1 down and Jared curses himself as he loses the puck, allowing the opposition a chance, one they capitalise on and the Bruins go down another, 3-1. Oh yeah, way to not fuck it up, he thinks to himself.
His game's been off all week, ever since the stupid Capitals game and the stupid bar afterwards. He shouldn't feel hurt should he? So why does he?
He has to watch Jensen's face light up as he scores and he curses whatever God there might be, because it isn't fair, it isn't fair to be this close to what you want and know you can never have it. Danneel had pretty much proven that to him with one damn kiss. One kiss shouldn't make his blood boil with jealousy.
He wills it all away as he steps out onto the ice for the second time, tries to focus on Mike's "You've got this JT". It's just hockey, it's just the same old hockey. Like hell it is.
His usual calm is dissipating as he skates round the rink following the puck, waiting for his chance and then he gets it. He muscles his way across the Capitals 23 stealing the puck and pushes off, circling, there's Jensen to the left of him, 31 skating straight towards him, he weaves, passes and watches Jensen send the puck into the back of the net, skirting past the goalies glove.
Jensen turns to him, smile blossoming across his face and Jared forgets everything, like how he's supposed to be pissed, how Jensen's straight, how he's supposed to be moving on, because that smile is purely for him and it's breathtaking and his heart feels like it's bursting.
Jared feels his smile grow in return, their eyes holding, and he can't put his finger on it, but there's something different there, something more than simple dismissal staring back at him and then the moment's broken, Chris pulling Jensen into a tight hug and Jared feels more than a little unsteady.
They game finishes 4-3, the locker room a buzz of noise and congratulations. They won. Pre-Season's over. But Jared's mind won't quiet. He's angry he realises. With Jensen. With himself. With the whole damn situation. He shouldn’t have taken it, the deal, he could've stayed at college another 2 years, joined the Bruins then, Jensen might've been playing somewhere else by then. But he'd wanted this and Jensen had been one of the biggest reasons for him taking the Bruins offer this year. Foolish to think the great Jensen Ackles would remember a fuck. Foolish to think he could maybe have meant something more. He realises now that's all it was, one night, that's all it ever was, not even worth acknowledging and damn if that doesn't sting a little.
"Nice game out there." Comes the voice of his current tormentor and Jared merely nods in acquiescence. That was almost a compliment, just what kind of game is Jensen playing with him?
~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~
"They want to do an interview." Comes Jerry's voice down the line.
"No." Jared refuses, slamming the door to emphasise his stance on the whole thing.
"With Ackles." Jerry adds and Jared's stomach tightens.
"Oh hell no." He dumps his bag on the bed, sits himself down next to it and sighs. It's been a long few weeks and all he wants is to spend the next couple of days in his own bed, sinking into unconsciousness, where thoughts about one Jensen Ackles won't plague him.
"Come on Jared, one interview, I wouldn't push it if I didn't think it'd be good for you." Jerry has a point, he's never pushed Jared in the wrong direction, but interviews, they just make him antsy. Yes him, the big conversationalist, finds talking to the press just a little uncomfortable. If it was just about the game maybe he wouldn't have such an issue, but over the past few months the questions have been more about his life off the ice than on it. It bugs him.
Jared lies back, stretches an arm over his head and thinks about it. Really thinks about. An interview, he might've taken, but an interview with Jensen? Isn't that tempting fate just a little.
"Do this one and it'll keep the press off your back for a while." Jerry coaxes, and Jared knows he's right. That makes sense.
"You're not gonna let me say no are you?" He asks, and Jared knows that to Jerry that's as good as a yes.
"I'll set it up, let you know the details." He can hear Jerry's brain working out it all out as they speak and Jared can't help but smile at that. "Congrats on making the cut, prouda ya kid. I'll get back to you." Jerry adds hastily, hanging up before Jared can reply.
Jared just lies there, staring up at the ceiling, a little stunned. A little overwhelmed. They've never done anything more than congratulations, at least they never have before and if there's wetness on Jared's cheeks he'll deny it. Jerry's the first person in years to be proud, to say that to him and it touches something in Jared he didn't realise was still there. Longing.
Jared had been shell-shocked when Kripke had told him he'd be a Bruin full-time this season. He'd smiled, said thank you, taken the congratulations but it'd left him with a hollowness in the pit of his stomach, because the moment he'd found out the first thing he'd wanted to do was pick up the phone, call his momma and tell her he'd done it, he'd made it to the NHL, just like he'd said he would. Just like they'd always dreamed.
He'd had to still his fingers from dialling, he wasn't his momma's son anymore. At least that's what she'd told him and he truly believed she'd meant it. It'd been three years since he'd sat his parents down and told them he was gay and they'd looked at him with disgust. His momma had told him it was a phase, that they'd get him help, that they'd cure him of this disease and when he'd explained that it wasn't, that he didn't want help, that this wasn't something they could change she'd told him to leave. No son of hers would be a sinner, no son of hers would disgrace their family like this. He'd said he guessed he wasn't no son of hers then and she'd agreed.
It still stings, to remember the way his hands had shaken as he'd packed what little of his belongings he could carry and closed the door, the way his voice had broken as he'd called Sandy and asked her if she could come get him, the way his shoulders had heaved as she'd held him quietly through the sobs.
It's been three years but his heart's still broken and it had taken a simple "I'm prouda ya" from a man he barely knew to remind him of the family he'd lost. He picks up the phone and dials Sandy's number, she's his family now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jared's never felt quite so intimidated by a woman holding a pad and pen before, but as he sits in front of one Genevieve Cortese, pretty brunette perched on the edge of her seat, he feels himself curl up in defense when she turns to him.
"So how does it feel to be part of the Bruins for this season?" She asks.
"It's good you know." Jared laughs. "Wow, that's pretty lame, it should be amazing right? It is amazing. To be honest it just hasn't sunk in yet, I keep thinking I'm gonna wake up tomorrow back in Vermont and this'll all be a dream. I'm just looking forward to getting out there and playing some hockey, you know."
Genevieve smiles at him before turning towards Jensen, and Jared feels himself relax. He can do this, Jerry told him this would be okay.
"So Jensen, are you looking to be the top scorer in the NHL for the 3rd year running this season?"
Jensen plasters on one of those fake smiles Jared knows so well and Jared clutches the arm rest to keep from gritting his teeth. "We'll just have to see how the season goes won't we Gen?"
They know each other? Jensen's using nicknames? Jared wonders when Jensen fucked her, and damn he's becoming cynical where Jensen's concerned, maybe a tad jealous too.
"Can't pry anymore than that out of you? Not even if I asked if you think Jared here might give you a run for your money, he did hold the record for most goals scored in a season at Vermont." Jared's taken aback by that, seems someone did their homework.
Jensen merely snorts.
"Hey, what's that for, I could totally beat your ass." Jared frowns and Jensen smiles at him, not the fake smile he used earlier, but one of those ones that spread across his face to the crinkles in his eyes and Jared can't help smiling back.
"Come off it Jay, as if." Jensen chuckles and Jared feels a blush bloom across his cheeks, dips his head to cover, because the last time anyone called him that, hell the only time anyone called him that he'd had his mouth wrapped around Jensen's dick, Jensen's hands digging into his scalp, and he's half hard just thinking about it. About the way Jensen's voice had been thick with lust, his words dirty and begging and Jared clears his throat hoping to dislodge the image of half glazed eyes looking down at him because if he keeps this up he's gonna lose it right here.
Lust swells into anger and his chest feels heavy. It isn't enough that the guy has to pretend it never happened, it isn't enough that he's made it perfectly clear he hates Jared, now, now he has taunt him about it as well. His fists clench, his head's still low and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat missing the matching redness of Jensen's face.
"So there's no rivalry between the two of you? Jared's being tipped as the next big thing and you, well, you're the current one." Genevieve cajoles. She's fishing and they all know it.
"Can see why he's tipped as the next big thing. Giant. Be lucky if he manages to stay on his feet all season." Jensen smirks and Jared admires the way Jensen manages to answer every question without actually answering the question.
"If I remember right, it isn't me who has a love affair with the ice." Jared throws in, drawing out the love the same way Chris had and Jensen half-heartedly punches him in the shoulder before turning back to Genevieve.
Genevieve keeps firing routine questions at them over the next 20 minutes, who do you tip to win this season, what do you think of the new rookies you're likely to face, what's the step up from college hockey to the big leagues really like and Jared feels himself wearing thin, he's tired of having to joke with Jensen, he likes it, but he's confused by this weird pretend friendship they somehow seem to have going. He's tired of the act of it all because he'd pretty much love it to be reality.
"Are your family supportive of your move from college and into the NHL?" Genevieve blindsides him and Jared feels his face fall, feels his gut turn, he takes a breath, takes another and fakes a smile.
"I've been working towards the NHL since the first day I skated, it's been the dream you know and I'm surrounded by loving people who will always support me, it's them that have got me here. The NHL is a once in a lifetime thing and college? If, when this is all over, if that's something I still want I can go back and finish that."
If Genevieve realises Jared completely avoided that question she doesn't let on, just railroads him with another.
"Do you still stand by your decision to come out as a gay athlete?"
Jared digs his nails into the palm of his hand unconsciously, he's so tired of this damn question, how many times will they ask this, how many more interviews are going to be more about his sexuality rather than his ability to play hockey?
"Come on Gen." Jensen starts before Jared has a chance to answer. "Out there on the ice it's all about hockey, it's not about who I or Jared take home at night, that ain't anyone's business but our own and it shouldn't factor into the game."
Jared looks about as startled as Genevieve does, there's an edge to Jensen's words, and Jared lays a hand on his shoulder when he opens his mouth to continue.
"It's okay Jensen." He sends him what he hopes is a reassuring smile, then looks directly at Genevieve. "Would my life have been easier to be a straight man playing hockey? Of course it would, but I'm not a straight guy, I never have been and I have no problems with that. It was a big decision whether I was going to tell people, but I didn't want to treat a part of myself like I was ashamed, like it was wrong, because I wasn't and it's not. So I took an interview and I told the world." He pauses. "And yeah I'd probably do it all again."
It's another 20 minutes before the interview's finished and as they leave Jared lets out a breath of relief, it's never easy to have someone poke around in your life like that, but he's had worse.
"Fancy a beer?" Jensen asks and Jared can't help but agree.
He can't put his finger on it, but it feels like maybe something's changed.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
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