who's gonna drive you home tonight?

[oncefuturequeen]

I am starving. And I have almost nothing to eat here. Because I have almost no money. Spending almost $100 a month at Borders has finally caught up with me. But it's so worth it. I have probably 3 years of books waiting to be read. They're all over my room, filling my closets, covering my desk. Some are new, some are used, all are waiting for me

Comments

[flyingover]

i have more colors of shoes than that

[oncefuturequeen]

I guess I'm talking about that weird measure of femininity that society seems to equate with success. For example, I worked with a girl at the law firm who was the total girl. She matched her clothes and shoes, had pretty nails and hair and different colored makeup, acessorized with acceptable jewelry, etc. She was very nice but I worked at least twice as hard as she did in our position. She got twice as much attention from the attorneys. And I'm not talking about sexual attention (although that did happen too), I'm just talking about them being aware of her. I know her ability to femme it up is related to that attention and I get frustrated that even when I try, I cannot develop those skills. They seem important sometimes and trivial at others.

And yes, we want totally different kinds of success and I think that's awesome.

love.

[flyingover]

so, okay then, here's the question i meant. and i don't mean to be a bitch, i'm being utterly sincere which i don't know how to communicate across the internet. but, so. you want these things because you feel like women who wear lots of different colors of shoes are cheating their way ahead of you in business, and you don't want to miss out on that kind of opportunity? and if so, well, i absolutely cannot criticize you for wanting to get ahead, i mean, you like ayn rand and you know it. but, can't you call that something other than femininity? because i consider myself quite feminine but that concept of it pretty much offends me.

[nolovepoem]

but why do you think you need to match clothing and eyeshadow? i often think that i would like to be less feminine, or rather present as less feminine. also, i wish i didn't like to go shopping!

i wear the same color eyeshadow every day (when i bother to wear it at all) and alternate between black shoes, brown boots, and falling-apart tennis shoes.

[nolovepoem]

oh, i just read alexa's comment. anyways, i think what she said made a lot of sense, and what you said made a lot of sense.

i think part of my wanting to present as less feminine has to do with wanting to seem stronger. i hate when people assume i'm a pushover, and i want to sound more confident when i speak. in a lot of ways the way i think about the world is toward the "masculine" end of the spectrum. i'm more interested in ethics of "justice" than "care," if that makes any sense, and i often think that the ends justifies the means. i'm taking a religion class that's all women and a philosophy class that's mostly men this semester, and it's really made me think about what type of intellectual discourse i'm comfortable in. but at the same time i really believe in "feminine" ways of getting power through being nice, listening to other people, and doing the work that no one else wants to do. also, i really like dresses and color coordination

Reply to both o' yous

[oncefuturequeen]

Alexa, I think the difference is between being feminine and performing feminine. I understand what you mean about being offended by that definition and I meant to convey that I was speaking about performing a very specific, powerful form of performing gender. You are very feminine, definitely, but you don't perform it in the way that I described. Which is powerful in the circle that I run. I know that I am feminine (or a Girl) in the significant ways but I'm more comfortable performing masculine. The disconnect happens when I realize the power that is available through performing feminine is out of reach for me because I don't really know how to perform gender in that way