Infamous Interviews: The "Desperate Housewives" Cast for Vanity Fair, 2005

[frejasface]

In 2005, Vanity Fair was set to publish a big, splashy cover featuring Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman, Eva Longoria, and Nicolette Sheridan, the stars of ABC’s hit show "Desperate Housewives." It was just supposed to be a fun publicity coup, the first major group photoshoot for the cast. However, it went on to become one of the most legendary disasters in all of Vanity Fair’s history.


Bed, Burbs, And Beyond
By Ned Zeman
Vanity Fair, May 2005



The writer, Ned Zeman, gives eight paragraphs of buildup to the photoshoot's tensions, and every one of them is worth it. Here is just one:

• We absolutely, positively should have sensed danger when there turned out to be a list of mandatory stipulations from ABC. That each of the Ladies would have her own hair-makeup-stylist Glam Team was, by Hollywood standards, nothing special. They were, after all, the biggest stars on TV's second-biggest dramatic series... And yet. The mandatory stipulations singled out one Lady in particular, instructing the magazine that, in any and all group shots, she was definitely not to be in the center.
  
  But still. A soap opera within a soap opera that satirizes soap operas? Too pat, too meta-. Power plays and pariahs? Profanity-laced tantrums and sobbing divas? No. No way.
  
  Then again, that was before the photo shoot.

Although the shoot was very carefully choreographed and was micromanaged to death by incredibly powerful publicists, it went down in flames anyways. Here is the overview of what happened:

• Multiple publicists were there at the insistence of ABC plus the insistence of the cast. There is also a mysterious dictator-like figure referred to only as The Enabler because he comes off so badly in this profile. The Enabler seems to be the one who was running things for the cast members. (Ironic that all those publicists couldn’t prevent this dumpster fire!)
  
  
• ABC forced Vanity Fair to schedule only seven hours for the shoot, which, minus styling and setting things up, left only 30 minutes for the individual shots and one hour for the group shot. A cover shoot usually takes two days.
  
  
• ABC forbade Vanity Fair from photographing the women in bathing suits because they didn’t want it to look “trashy.” Of course, Vanity Fair managed to photograph them in swimming suits anyways.
  
  
• Teri Hatcher was not allowed to be in the center of any group photo.The cast members refused to participate if Teri was in the center.
  
  
• Teri was forbidden from going to wardrobe first, since she always took the best clothes.
  
  
• The publicists tried to stop her, but she arrived first and took the best clothes.
  
  
• The rest of the women had few clothing options left except swimming suits.
  
  
• When she found out the other women were wearing swimming suits, Teri somehow got a sexy red bathing suit with a plunging neckline to upstage them.
  
  
  
  
• Teri somehow also managed to position herself in the center of the group shot.
  
  
• Marcia Cross stormed off the set when she saw this. She yelled at The Enabler, “Get your fucking ass over here now, and do your fucking job!"
  
  
• The photographer had to pause the shoot and rearrange everyone. The cast was only happy when Teri was on the far right.
  
  
• This prompted Teri to have a meltdown in which she cried and yelled at someone on her cell phone.
  
  
• After that, The Enabler stood directly behind the photographer and tried to micromanage the shoot.
  
  
• If Eva didn't like something, she would text The Enabler instead of saying it out loud.
  
  
• Finally they did the individual cast member shoots, which went okay until Marcia Cross refused to stand next to a topiary shaped like Michelangelo’s David, complete with a penis. She still insisted on wearing lingerie and garters and having the wind machine blow up her skirt so her panties were visible. (Yes, this was an actual demand of hers.)
  
  
  
  
• Things were so bad that Kevin Brockton, the head of ABC publicity, was called away from his home to get to the set.
  
  
• It was SO catastrophically bad that after this shoot, the cast never did another group photoshoot together.

Now, the writer does not ever explicitly call Teri a diva. But sometimes celebrities manage to hang themselves with their own rope. First up is her boasting about how someone spent $125,000 for a lunch with her and how her fans’ adoration is a spiritual experience:

• "The most fascinating thing happened to me [in Las Vegas] this weekend... I went to this cool event that they do every year at the Bellagio Hotel... they raise millions and millions of dollars in one night for Alzheimer's. I went last year and auctioned off a lunch with me. And it went for $20,000, which was a lot. And this year I went, and I was auctioned off for $125,000."
  
  "Well, I'm not putting it in terms of my value," Hatcher replies, blanching a bit. "It's certainly those people's generosity. But anyway. What happened in Vegas was that I felt the shift from where fans would come and be like, 'Can I take a picture?' or 'Can I have your autograph?' What's happening to me now is almost spiritual. People were coming up to me, mostly women, and they didn't want my autograph, didn't want my picture. They wanted to sit with me and tell me how I've inspired them, how I've given new hope to women over 40."

Then, there’s this terrifyingly passive-aggressive exchange with fellow cast member James Denton.

• Denton says, "I've never heard any of the guys be ungrateful. The women, I can't speak for," he says significantly. He turns to Hatcher. "Can you?" Hatcher demurs. He continues,"I think there is some, uh ... "
  
  "Do you think I'm anything but grateful?" Hatcher interjects, feigning outrage.
  
  "Not you," Denton replies. "Not you at all."
  She smiles. "Then you can speak for me."
  
  "I can speak for Teri. I've never heard Teri be anything but grateful."
  
  "There you go."
  
  "That's for sure, and I can promise you. But I don't know ab ... "
  
  Hatcher's smile vanishes, replaced by a wince. Her eyes narrow: "I'm just doing my thing-you know what I mean? So I don't know [about the others]. I just show up on time, do my work, do my part, get the show promoted, help people, sign autographs."

If you say so, girl.

The photoshoot's disastrous behind-the-scenes was so notorious that it spread like wildfire, probably garnering much more publicity than a pleasant photoshoot would have. It was even spoofed on SNL... with Eva Longoria making fun of Teri Hatcher.

Click to view

Just a short while before the photoshoot, Hatcher had won a Golden Globe Award. In her speech, she said, "I couldn't have been a bigger has-been." Ironically, her diva behavior would end up rendering her a has-been once again.

It's also pretty ironic that Felicity Huffman was viewed as the most down-to-earth when she would end up being exposed for illegally paying thousands of dollars to rig her daughter's SAT scores.



Some more tidbits that were dropped:

-Nicollette Sheridan originally auditioned for Teri's role and was salty that she was cast as "the neighborhood skank."
-There were rumors that Marcia Cross was a lesbian because she was still single in her 40s.
-The cast was trying to demand $250k per episode after the first season.
-The women's cluster of trailers on the set was called The Hot Zone because it was so tense.
-Even Marc Cherry, the show's creator, knew this shoot was going to be a mess. He also didn't want to hire Teri in the first place.

Poll

[More infamous interviews] Megan Fox Taylor Swift, Rooney Mara, John Mayer, Britney Spears, Tom Hiddleston, 5 Seconds of Summer, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, M.I.A., Chris Evans, Jennifer Lopez, Kate Winslet, Beyoncé, Channing Tatum, Cara Delevingne, Johnny Depp, Miles Teller, and Courtney Love

[More famous photoshoots:] Teen stars, Beverly Johnson/Naomi Campbell, Drew Barrymore, The Beckhams, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

Thank you tucker for the suggestion!



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