I haven't been given this much attention since I was an only child, before my siblings were born. It's intoxicating, it makes me feel more desirable than I have ever felt in my life. Going through a breakup in such an insular community basically broadcasts and projects your freshly solitary status to every waiting man. And there are a lot of them ( Read more... )

It's only partly coincidental that my new solitary staff accommodation is adjacent to Mike's. I can't stop thinking about the night he came to visit me in the Eyrie, the night I steeled my resolve to leave Alex for certain. It feels unfair to have so much support while he has nothing. I'm not used to being the one who leaves, I've always been the ( Read more... )

He finds me asleep amongst the fairy lights in my giant fleece onesie covered in leopard spots. Taking a place next to me on the bed, he gently strokes my hair until I stir. It's so late, it's past midnight. The stars through my windows exploded into life hours ago. It's hard to imagine anyone else existing in these woods, amongst the endless ( Read more... )

I have become a poison. Every word spilling out of my mouth is virulent, every touch flowing from my fingertips laced with toxin. He tells me how disrespectful I've been, how everything I do is permeated by a layer of distrust. Whenever we chance upon eye-contact he looks away. It feels like he hasn't smiled at me in months ( Read more... )

I wake up in my own bed, exhilarated and drunk with passion from the night before. The Lodge is so far away from the city that my walk home from Mike's was lit by starlight alone, and I collapsed into dreams feeling alive in a way that I haven't in months ( Read more... )

Sometimes we become the villain of our own story. It's a curious thing, realizing that I have been an unreliable narrator of my own behaviour and decisions, of my own life. I have unknowingly possessed a destructive power to wound and shatter the same way I had been wounded and shattered. Weapons can be infinitely more dangerous when you don't ( Read more... )

It's too hot in the sauna, I need to get outside, need a moment alone. It's one of those ethereally misty afternoons where the fog hangs over the lake and the pine trees drip with moisture. It's quiet at the Lodge at beginning of April, students won't be showing up for another week or so and for now there are only the few staff members who are ( Read more... )

It's the end of March, Alex and I are in his van filled with our worldly possessions plus one bunny rabbit and we are driving towards what will be my last season at the Lodge. I am feeling unsettled, disconnected. This is our last day of being monogamous, after today everything will be different. I can't help but feel a certain amount of ( Read more... )

I'm a mess. I feel like I've been a mess for months. I guess I'm just going through an adjustment phase of realizing that I'm not the only person that my boyfriend wants to get naked with. I understand that, I do, I mean, the rational part of me does. The other part, the part of me whose self worth is wrapped up in his opinion of me, fails to ( Read more... )

"I think it would be hot to watch you fuck another guy ( Read more... )