LJ Idol Week Ten - Was it the Blue Night, Gone Fragile
He finds me asleep amongst the fairy lights in my giant fleece onesie covered in leopard spots. Taking a place next to me on the bed, he gently strokes my hair until I stir. It's so late, it's past midnight. The stars through my windows exploded into life hours ago. It's hard to imagine anyone else existing in these woods, amongst the endless battle between cold starlight and the warmth of my delicately twinkling hanging lanterns. I had often found myself feeling lonely and isolated, surrounded by the wild forest snaking its way around my home, concealing it from sight. The only entrance is through winding, uphill paths, impossible to find unless one knows where to look. It's been my tower, my solitude, but not for much longer.
"How are you doing?" He asks softly, still stroking my hair. I don't even know how to begin to answer that. I notice the reflection of the lights in his eyes, losing myself in that. He's waiting for my answer, or maybe he isn't.
"Better," I decide on. He smiles at me, pulling me into him and we sit like that for a long moment. We've spent months like this, touching foreheads, never further, standing as close as we can to each other as if our nearness can articulate what we can't, this shared unplaceable feeling we have for one another. The fragile and tenuous self-control we've been agonizing over is shattered when I kiss him. Two months of feeling expressed in a moment. It was like the feeling of falling in love being concentrated and poured down my throat all at once. I didn't stand a chance, after a kiss like that.
Days later, as I'm packing my things, I still feel unsure. I imagine that I will continue to feel this way. Whenever Alex tells me that no one is expecting me to make a decision yet, I know he's trying to reassure me and how hard it must be hurting him to say that. I crave his reassurance, still. It's not fair. He's been such a powerful guiding force in my life these past years. I would have followed him anywhere, until now. It still amazes me how any decision I could ever make can have this much gravity, that I could change the course of anyone's life but my own. I realize that no one can help me in this, and that all I am going on is this intangible feeling that what I'm doing is right. Part of me feels like I need to put myself through this just to prove to myself that I can be brave, be my own champion. I have to do this on my own. I linger in the doorway for a moment before leaving, silently thanking my castle in the clouds for the time we've shared. I feel a moment of regret at imagining Alex coming home to a house stripped of my presence, of our shared presence. I could take it all back, I could move my things back in and he would never have to know that I almost left him for good, but I swallow my fear and shut the door behind me.
"How are you doing?" He asks softly, still stroking my hair. I don't even know how to begin to answer that. I notice the reflection of the lights in his eyes, losing myself in that. He's waiting for my answer, or maybe he isn't.
"Better," I decide on. He smiles at me, pulling me into him and we sit like that for a long moment. We've spent months like this, touching foreheads, never further, standing as close as we can to each other as if our nearness can articulate what we can't, this shared unplaceable feeling we have for one another. The fragile and tenuous self-control we've been agonizing over is shattered when I kiss him. Two months of feeling expressed in a moment. It was like the feeling of falling in love being concentrated and poured down my throat all at once. I didn't stand a chance, after a kiss like that.
Days later, as I'm packing my things, I still feel unsure. I imagine that I will continue to feel this way. Whenever Alex tells me that no one is expecting me to make a decision yet, I know he's trying to reassure me and how hard it must be hurting him to say that. I crave his reassurance, still. It's not fair. He's been such a powerful guiding force in my life these past years. I would have followed him anywhere, until now. It still amazes me how any decision I could ever make can have this much gravity, that I could change the course of anyone's life but my own. I realize that no one can help me in this, and that all I am going on is this intangible feeling that what I'm doing is right. Part of me feels like I need to put myself through this just to prove to myself that I can be brave, be my own champion. I have to do this on my own. I linger in the doorway for a moment before leaving, silently thanking my castle in the clouds for the time we've shared. I feel a moment of regret at imagining Alex coming home to a house stripped of my presence, of our shared presence. I could take it all back, I could move my things back in and he would never have to know that I almost left him for good, but I swallow my fear and shut the door behind me.