"Lately" is so relative when it comes to me. I just realized something. Considering a person with borderline is stuck in the "now", it's no wonder that I have always spoken of things as being the "best it's ever been" or "he makes me feel more than I ever have". If I can't see yesterday clearly and my emotions are very strong, of course it's going ( Read more... )

I received "I hate you, don't leave me" yesterday. I just got through the second chapter. I don't know how to feel. Words are being put to things I could never explain ( Read more... )

I've brick-walled another person. Made enough mistakes. Been misunderstood enough times. Been overwhelmed to the point of no words. Now I feel nothing. A walking zombie ( Read more... )

I keep having two reoccurring dreams. One where I am moving out of a place or leaving a hotel room and I've forgotten some things. I find my way back in, but there is too much to bring in one trip. I have to choose what to let go. The other dream is that I just moved into either an old, large, antique house or a tiny, beat-down trailer. Either way ( Read more... )

I wish I could stop dreaming sweetly about the people who have hurt me so severely. Seeing Ryan from a distance and making him speak to me. His passive lies to get me to go away. Frog's hand reaching out for mine. His soft voice, cracking, saying how he needs me. Holli's hair. A multitude of dorm rooms that I'm stealthily staying in. Hugging her, ( Read more... )

You sssspeak like a serpent
Sneak like a serpent
Seduce like a serpent

You slithered your way into me
Maliciously, deliciously unaware
Bit and clung to my insides
Ripped and tore
Spewed your poisonous seed

It still lingers
Along with your fingers
Always holding out a hand
Ready to grasp mine
So you can
Eat
Me
Alive

- Kari Sutyla

I think therapy making me face myself and my actions so much is causing me to come across my old insecurities, but I am happy to be going to therapy ( Read more... )

I left a message on Ryan's machine asking if he wanted to meet up for our anti-anniversary and catch up and then separate again. I don't know how or if he'll respond ( Read more... )

Had a really good talk with Neil about the future of our relationship. For the first time in a really long time I look forward to the future. I have hope... I have faith... in this relationship and in his ability to hold my kite string as I fly around ( Read more... )

I'm tired of the almosts and what-ifs. I'm tired of regret of my insecurities. Wishing I had done things differently. Seeing people makes me tired. Seeing beautiful people makes me even more tired. The connections that could have been and the connections that were had never really seemed to line up for me. And I still crave the connections that ( Read more... )