Sweet dreams
I wish I could stop dreaming sweetly about the people who have hurt me so severely. Seeing Ryan from a distance and making him speak to me. His passive lies to get me to go away. Frog's hand reaching out for mine. His soft voice, cracking, saying how he needs me. Holli's hair. A multitude of dorm rooms that I'm stealthily staying in. Hugging her, with mixed feelings inside.
I'm building bad associations with everyone. I can't see her name without automatically feeling my rape. I can't see Ryan's name without feeling betrayal. My brother... the one responsible family member... sharing a house with him. Joshua Lynch's laughter. Mocking me. Calling me a liar.
I'm going to 4 or more sessions with Alexis and then I'll start trauma counseling. Apparently, it's free. I would have never thought I needed it. But it's too much. I need to learn to let go.
Isaac has stayed here for over a week. Things progressed so oddly. Calm. Comfort. Discomfort. Fear. Anger. Regret. Resentment. Sadness. I never expected him to love me. And he does. I can't give him what he needs and he needs so much. I hurt for him in so many ways. He crawls under my skin. Shows me a reflection of myself that I can't take. He's truthful and unafraid to hurt me. It's hard to handle. I started cutting severely out of anger. Then couldn't. So I let my anger out with my voice. I don't know how to do that. I hurt him.
I took too many pills today. Hoped for euphoria. Ended up overly calm and tired. I feel lost in myself. Facing demons I'm not sure I'm ready to face.
When it rains, it pours.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
I'm building bad associations with everyone. I can't see her name without automatically feeling my rape. I can't see Ryan's name without feeling betrayal. My brother... the one responsible family member... sharing a house with him. Joshua Lynch's laughter. Mocking me. Calling me a liar.
I'm going to 4 or more sessions with Alexis and then I'll start trauma counseling. Apparently, it's free. I would have never thought I needed it. But it's too much. I need to learn to let go.
Isaac has stayed here for over a week. Things progressed so oddly. Calm. Comfort. Discomfort. Fear. Anger. Regret. Resentment. Sadness. I never expected him to love me. And he does. I can't give him what he needs and he needs so much. I hurt for him in so many ways. He crawls under my skin. Shows me a reflection of myself that I can't take. He's truthful and unafraid to hurt me. It's hard to handle. I started cutting severely out of anger. Then couldn't. So I let my anger out with my voice. I don't know how to do that. I hurt him.
I took too many pills today. Hoped for euphoria. Ended up overly calm and tired. I feel lost in myself. Facing demons I'm not sure I'm ready to face.
When it rains, it pours.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.