[ILC05] Deception of Reality
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Hensung
Genre: AU!Drama, Romance, Minor!Angst
Disclaimer: I don't own any SuJu member.
IL/Pairing Assigner: rssj1314 & shadowcrawler12
[Challenge][Y][FF] Summary: He couldn't listen to that voice that told him it was too late nor the reasoning of others who tried to relieve his suffering. He was only able to focus in one that image before him, of the person he wasn't able to let go.
***
If it was any colder, he just might have preferred to drown himself in alcohol to warm his freezing veins; unfortunately, it wasn't. Even so, his obsession with the snow seemed to surpass that desire to bury himself beneath the covers.
That, and he didn't want to stay in that room much longer than necessary, it held too many memories he wasn't ready to face.
He forced himself to put on his jacket, stumbling slightly as he kicked aside the empty bottles. Once he was outside his home he noted how the weather had halted its rampage on the city, pausing momentarily, and for that he was relieved.
Yesung gazed at the heavy loaded branches of a tree, burdened by the falling snow. He briefly looked around and noted that no one was nearby; he walked and leaned against the tree, settling into the snow covered ground.
He continued to stay there, ignoring the looks of occasional passerby's, sometimes moving to adjust his coat or to brush his hair away from his eyes. The chill seeped through his sweaters to his skin, he felt even colder than when he was imprisoned in his room, but eventually he didn't feel anything. He hoped it would be the same, that eventually he'd go numb from the torment he'd been put through.
People had often said it'll heal with time. It didn't.
Meet other people. He had tried to.
That he isn't worth it. In truth he was.
That there's someone better out there. Of course there would always be someone better, but that fact didn't matter.
That it was better to have loved than not to have loved at all, a lie in itself. If it meant he didn't have to suffer through this pain, then he'd rather not have loved anyone, but even he felt he couldn't commit to that entirely.
He shouldn't have chosen such a place; he left his home with a purpose to leave those memories, but he faced them here as well. He closed his eyes, attempting to block out those scenes when he would often wait endlessly and impatiently beneath these branches until he arrived.
"I'm late again, aren't I?"
Yesung opened his eyes and met with dark ones. "You're always late." He murmured monotonously.
Henry tilted his head and gave a playful smile. "You'll forgive me though," He leaned in. "You can never truly stay mad at me for long."
"I can't." Yesung replied softly. Henry chuckled as he moved the hair from his eyes. Yesung wanted to reach for it, the need to touch him was unbearable.
His hand reached up slowly, Henry seemed unaware of it though as his eyes saddened.
"What's wrong?" Yesung asked.
Henry lowered his head and lost his playful smile. "When will you stop?"
Yesung froze, his hand stopped midway as he continued to stare into his eyes. The air hitched in his throat.
"When are you going to stop these illusions?" Henry asked with a wistful smile.
Yesung felt his chest tighten as he steadily reached for the boys cheek, barely able to stroke it before it disappeared completely by his touch. He clutched his hand as he felt the emotion affect his entire body; he suppressed the trembles that coursed through his entire being.
He forced himself to get up, patting away the snow as he continued to move forward.
He wanted to escape the clutches of those memories but everywhere he turned, every place, spurred a memory of them together. The alcohol encouraged these emotions that spiraled out of control, creating these illusions that would speak to him, motivating him desperately to move on.
Being drunk seemed to be the worst choice in his condition, but it was the best one. Being sober would mean he had to face such realities, and he wasn't ready for that just yet.
He didn't want to realize that potential fact that he may never...
"Stop doing this to yourself."
Yesung looked up at Henry; he furrowed his eyebrows as he looked around and noticed he was inside a bar. He didn't remember ever entering and as he looked outside at the now darkened scenery. He wondered where time had went.
He attempted to drink another cup but it was forced out of his hand. Yesung glared at the person before him who ignored his stare.
"You need to face it eventually." Henry uttered calmly.
"Why do I have to face it?" Yesung countered. Henry sighed.
"I know it hurts now... But drinking your problems away is hardly the answer-"
"And getting over it is?" Yesung interjected.
Henry blinked, his blank expression gradually returning as he lectured him. "You've always exaggerated your emotions, even now you're forcing yourself in this mess."
"Meaning you're not suffering like I am, right?"
Henry remained quiet.
"Meaning you've moved on..." He held up the glass and feigned a smile. "How much I envy you right now." With that he downed the glass without stopping, the shot empty as he placed it on the counter.
"I didn't want this for you." Henry admitted, looking over his state.
"Then you never should have left me." Yesung stated quietly. "Did you think that once you left, in a few days I would be fine?"
"No, but you were not the only one to have been put through this." Henry responded. "Others have made it."
Yesung looked up, his face void of all emotion but his eyes betrayed his resolve. He refused to reveal any weakness, yet, feigning strength seemed impossible.
"But what if I don't?" He murmured quietly.
He looked up to face him but Henry's features shifted slightly, like everything else around him did, while the image distorted; disappearing piece by piece until he felt himself fall but unable to keep his balance, not even feeling the impact that he should have felt as everything crumbled beneath him.
Had he gone numb from the pain?
He opened his eyes and watched as Henry sat beside him. Yesung tried to reach for his hand that laid on the ground, wanting to hold it as he always used to do.
Yet, what he felt was the snow instead of his hand as he finally touched it, the illusion breaking as reality returned harshly to remind him of that fact. He had argued against his own subconscious, and still it was at a draw.
He wasn't numb from it still, he wasn't sure if he would ever be.
-
Yesung stirred slightly in his bed, his eyes begging to open but his mind forced it shut, fighting with himself as he tossed and turned.
"Get up if you're awake."
Yesung sighed, not wanting to listen to his hallucination but puzzled at the coldness of its tone. It was usually more considerate towards him.
At that, he turned around, squinting through the blaring lights as he recognized his room. He wasn't alone as he looked up at the figure leaning against the wall across from him.
"How did I get here?" He asked aloud, rubbing his temples from the headache that formed.
"They called me at work, my number was still your emergency contact." Henry answered, moving the hair from his eyes as he crossed his arms.
"I see." Yesung pulled the covers over his body, it was still too cold to be out of his bed.
"Get up." Henry repeated sternly.
Yesung sighed, deciding to go along with his hallucination. "I'm cold."
"Doesn't mean you have to stay in bed all day." Henry reasoned. Yesung scoffed, shaking his head as he turned away in the other direction.
"Heartless as always."
He heard scuffling across the floor and glanced back, watching as Henry stood closer to the bed. "I'm not completely heartless, I cared enough to visit you."
"If you actually cared, then come into bed with me."
Yesung was met with narrowed eyes. "No." Henry refused immediately.
"Then get out." Yesung countered.
Henry heightened his glare. He didn't reply as he stepped away, Yesung thought that maybe he would leave, but instead was surprised when Henry began to clean up the many bottles on the ground.
"At this rate, you'll become an alcoholic." He murmured.
"At this rate, I'll freeze to death." Yesung uttered.
Henry shook his head disapprovingly. "Whose fault is that? You never should have wandered outside like that in your condition."
Yesung sighed, his subconscious seemed to have decided on taking a different approach, a more realistic one at that. "These hallucinations are becoming stronger every time." He murmured.
He heard the clink of bottles stop for the moment.
"Why can't you just leave me be?" He asked solemnly. "I don't need to be reminded how much of a failure I am for feeling this way."
"You think this is an hallucination?" Henry asked darkly.
"What else could this be?" He added quietly. "It's not like you'll ever come back."
Henry suddenly pinched his cheek harshly, Yesung winced from the deliberate pain.
"Do I seem like a hallucination now?" Henry plopped down on his bed once more, dropping the bottles carelessly onto the ground.
Strange, Yesung thought, never once had his illusion caused him physical pain; one that he was able to feel. At that thought he widened his eyes as he slowly sat up. Henry continued to stare at his puzzled expression, remaining as stoic as always.
Yesung raised his hand, hesitantly reaching for his cheek, waiting for the illusion to disappear as it always had.
Yet it didn't. Even as he placed his hand on his cheek, he was still here, at the realization, Yesung's lips formed a pleasant and relieved smile.
Henry shoved his hand away, closing his eyes as he turned his head away from him.
"What are you doing here?" Yesung asked.
Henry swallowed slightly. "As I said, they called me because I was still your emergency contact."
"But you didn't have to come." He reasoned, his eyes examining every feature of his face.
"I'm not that heartless." Henry insisted.
"Yes, you are." Yesung said, a staggered laugh lingering in his words. "You're always going at things your own way,"
Henry stiffened slightly as he exhaled deeply. "I know."
"Ignoring the pain you cause others," Henry lowered his head. "Always doing what you want despite the consequences, leaving it difficult for anyone to forgive you. Even now I shouldn't."
Yesung watched as Henry remained completely still, awaiting for his final accusation against him. He moved forward in the bed as he settled on his knees, timidly reaching for his hand.
"I'll forgive you."
Henry opened his eyes but focused on the floor unable to look his way. "Why?"
Yesung gently touched it, watching intently as he laced their hands together.
"Why would you forgive me?"
Yesung gave a weak smile as he realized the realness of his hand, his relief growing with every passing second. "Because I can never stay mad at you for too long."
Yesung moved a bit closer, daringly leaning his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes briefly. Their hands were still interlocked as he sat behind him, his other hand reaching around his torso, holding onto Henry possessively.
"That's why you're an idiot." Henry said.
Yesung smiled, used to that phrase that he always directed at him. They stayed in that position for a while, neither one moving until the sky outside gradually darkened, signaling the early night that was arriving.
"It's cold." Henry said, breaking the silence.
Yesung withdrew his hands as he positioned himself comfortably against the headboard of his bed, outstretching his hands towards Henry as he gradually pulled him down until they laid beside one another. Not once had Henry protested.
"This is the best way to stay warm." Yesung expressed, returning his hold on him as he pulled him even closer, nestling his head against his.
Henry hadn't completely relaxed in his hold, but his resolve was weakening. "Don't forgive me so easily." Henry softly murmured, closing his eyes as he leaned against his shoulder.
"I won't." Yesung whispered, his hands tucked the last of the covers over them, cradling him in his arms. For the time being, at least.
The pain hadn't subsided completely, but it gradually weakened the longer he remained beside him, knowing that with Henry by his side he would finally have the strength; the motivation to confront and hold onto this reality.
☆ rssj1314 's SungRy ☆
- ILC04 [ Kyuwook] ☆ ILC06 [ EunHae] ----
A/N: AHHHH, can't believe its been this long since I updated... .-. I felt like I wrote so much though, loving how college piles everything in the same week and forces you only a day beforehand >o. Takes a deep breath*
Its all good... Either way, the next mini series will be fixed by my beta and eventually posted, I have about fifteen one-shots in the works at the moment that I'm trying to finish this week. Hoping its possible >>... Feeling my muse's wrath at the moment, but its all good ^^.
Pairing: Hensung
Genre: AU!Drama, Romance, Minor!Angst
Disclaimer: I don't own any SuJu member.
IL/Pairing Assigner: rssj1314 & shadowcrawler12
[Challenge][Y][FF] Summary: He couldn't listen to that voice that told him it was too late nor the reasoning of others who tried to relieve his suffering. He was only able to focus in one that image before him, of the person he wasn't able to let go.
***
If it was any colder, he just might have preferred to drown himself in alcohol to warm his freezing veins; unfortunately, it wasn't. Even so, his obsession with the snow seemed to surpass that desire to bury himself beneath the covers.
That, and he didn't want to stay in that room much longer than necessary, it held too many memories he wasn't ready to face.
He forced himself to put on his jacket, stumbling slightly as he kicked aside the empty bottles. Once he was outside his home he noted how the weather had halted its rampage on the city, pausing momentarily, and for that he was relieved.
Yesung gazed at the heavy loaded branches of a tree, burdened by the falling snow. He briefly looked around and noted that no one was nearby; he walked and leaned against the tree, settling into the snow covered ground.
He continued to stay there, ignoring the looks of occasional passerby's, sometimes moving to adjust his coat or to brush his hair away from his eyes. The chill seeped through his sweaters to his skin, he felt even colder than when he was imprisoned in his room, but eventually he didn't feel anything. He hoped it would be the same, that eventually he'd go numb from the torment he'd been put through.
People had often said it'll heal with time. It didn't.
Meet other people. He had tried to.
That he isn't worth it. In truth he was.
That there's someone better out there. Of course there would always be someone better, but that fact didn't matter.
That it was better to have loved than not to have loved at all, a lie in itself. If it meant he didn't have to suffer through this pain, then he'd rather not have loved anyone, but even he felt he couldn't commit to that entirely.
He shouldn't have chosen such a place; he left his home with a purpose to leave those memories, but he faced them here as well. He closed his eyes, attempting to block out those scenes when he would often wait endlessly and impatiently beneath these branches until he arrived.
"I'm late again, aren't I?"
Yesung opened his eyes and met with dark ones. "You're always late." He murmured monotonously.
Henry tilted his head and gave a playful smile. "You'll forgive me though," He leaned in. "You can never truly stay mad at me for long."
"I can't." Yesung replied softly. Henry chuckled as he moved the hair from his eyes. Yesung wanted to reach for it, the need to touch him was unbearable.
His hand reached up slowly, Henry seemed unaware of it though as his eyes saddened.
"What's wrong?" Yesung asked.
Henry lowered his head and lost his playful smile. "When will you stop?"
Yesung froze, his hand stopped midway as he continued to stare into his eyes. The air hitched in his throat.
"When are you going to stop these illusions?" Henry asked with a wistful smile.
Yesung felt his chest tighten as he steadily reached for the boys cheek, barely able to stroke it before it disappeared completely by his touch. He clutched his hand as he felt the emotion affect his entire body; he suppressed the trembles that coursed through his entire being.
He forced himself to get up, patting away the snow as he continued to move forward.
He wanted to escape the clutches of those memories but everywhere he turned, every place, spurred a memory of them together. The alcohol encouraged these emotions that spiraled out of control, creating these illusions that would speak to him, motivating him desperately to move on.
Being drunk seemed to be the worst choice in his condition, but it was the best one. Being sober would mean he had to face such realities, and he wasn't ready for that just yet.
He didn't want to realize that potential fact that he may never...
"Stop doing this to yourself."
Yesung looked up at Henry; he furrowed his eyebrows as he looked around and noticed he was inside a bar. He didn't remember ever entering and as he looked outside at the now darkened scenery. He wondered where time had went.
He attempted to drink another cup but it was forced out of his hand. Yesung glared at the person before him who ignored his stare.
"You need to face it eventually." Henry uttered calmly.
"Why do I have to face it?" Yesung countered. Henry sighed.
"I know it hurts now... But drinking your problems away is hardly the answer-"
"And getting over it is?" Yesung interjected.
Henry blinked, his blank expression gradually returning as he lectured him. "You've always exaggerated your emotions, even now you're forcing yourself in this mess."
"Meaning you're not suffering like I am, right?"
Henry remained quiet.
"Meaning you've moved on..." He held up the glass and feigned a smile. "How much I envy you right now." With that he downed the glass without stopping, the shot empty as he placed it on the counter.
"I didn't want this for you." Henry admitted, looking over his state.
"Then you never should have left me." Yesung stated quietly. "Did you think that once you left, in a few days I would be fine?"
"No, but you were not the only one to have been put through this." Henry responded. "Others have made it."
Yesung looked up, his face void of all emotion but his eyes betrayed his resolve. He refused to reveal any weakness, yet, feigning strength seemed impossible.
"But what if I don't?" He murmured quietly.
He looked up to face him but Henry's features shifted slightly, like everything else around him did, while the image distorted; disappearing piece by piece until he felt himself fall but unable to keep his balance, not even feeling the impact that he should have felt as everything crumbled beneath him.
Had he gone numb from the pain?
He opened his eyes and watched as Henry sat beside him. Yesung tried to reach for his hand that laid on the ground, wanting to hold it as he always used to do.
Yet, what he felt was the snow instead of his hand as he finally touched it, the illusion breaking as reality returned harshly to remind him of that fact. He had argued against his own subconscious, and still it was at a draw.
He wasn't numb from it still, he wasn't sure if he would ever be.
-
Yesung stirred slightly in his bed, his eyes begging to open but his mind forced it shut, fighting with himself as he tossed and turned.
"Get up if you're awake."
Yesung sighed, not wanting to listen to his hallucination but puzzled at the coldness of its tone. It was usually more considerate towards him.
At that, he turned around, squinting through the blaring lights as he recognized his room. He wasn't alone as he looked up at the figure leaning against the wall across from him.
"How did I get here?" He asked aloud, rubbing his temples from the headache that formed.
"They called me at work, my number was still your emergency contact." Henry answered, moving the hair from his eyes as he crossed his arms.
"I see." Yesung pulled the covers over his body, it was still too cold to be out of his bed.
"Get up." Henry repeated sternly.
Yesung sighed, deciding to go along with his hallucination. "I'm cold."
"Doesn't mean you have to stay in bed all day." Henry reasoned. Yesung scoffed, shaking his head as he turned away in the other direction.
"Heartless as always."
He heard scuffling across the floor and glanced back, watching as Henry stood closer to the bed. "I'm not completely heartless, I cared enough to visit you."
"If you actually cared, then come into bed with me."
Yesung was met with narrowed eyes. "No." Henry refused immediately.
"Then get out." Yesung countered.
Henry heightened his glare. He didn't reply as he stepped away, Yesung thought that maybe he would leave, but instead was surprised when Henry began to clean up the many bottles on the ground.
"At this rate, you'll become an alcoholic." He murmured.
"At this rate, I'll freeze to death." Yesung uttered.
Henry shook his head disapprovingly. "Whose fault is that? You never should have wandered outside like that in your condition."
Yesung sighed, his subconscious seemed to have decided on taking a different approach, a more realistic one at that. "These hallucinations are becoming stronger every time." He murmured.
He heard the clink of bottles stop for the moment.
"Why can't you just leave me be?" He asked solemnly. "I don't need to be reminded how much of a failure I am for feeling this way."
"You think this is an hallucination?" Henry asked darkly.
"What else could this be?" He added quietly. "It's not like you'll ever come back."
Henry suddenly pinched his cheek harshly, Yesung winced from the deliberate pain.
"Do I seem like a hallucination now?" Henry plopped down on his bed once more, dropping the bottles carelessly onto the ground.
Strange, Yesung thought, never once had his illusion caused him physical pain; one that he was able to feel. At that thought he widened his eyes as he slowly sat up. Henry continued to stare at his puzzled expression, remaining as stoic as always.
Yesung raised his hand, hesitantly reaching for his cheek, waiting for the illusion to disappear as it always had.
Yet it didn't. Even as he placed his hand on his cheek, he was still here, at the realization, Yesung's lips formed a pleasant and relieved smile.
Henry shoved his hand away, closing his eyes as he turned his head away from him.
"What are you doing here?" Yesung asked.
Henry swallowed slightly. "As I said, they called me because I was still your emergency contact."
"But you didn't have to come." He reasoned, his eyes examining every feature of his face.
"I'm not that heartless." Henry insisted.
"Yes, you are." Yesung said, a staggered laugh lingering in his words. "You're always going at things your own way,"
Henry stiffened slightly as he exhaled deeply. "I know."
"Ignoring the pain you cause others," Henry lowered his head. "Always doing what you want despite the consequences, leaving it difficult for anyone to forgive you. Even now I shouldn't."
Yesung watched as Henry remained completely still, awaiting for his final accusation against him. He moved forward in the bed as he settled on his knees, timidly reaching for his hand.
"I'll forgive you."
Henry opened his eyes but focused on the floor unable to look his way. "Why?"
Yesung gently touched it, watching intently as he laced their hands together.
"Why would you forgive me?"
Yesung gave a weak smile as he realized the realness of his hand, his relief growing with every passing second. "Because I can never stay mad at you for too long."
Yesung moved a bit closer, daringly leaning his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes briefly. Their hands were still interlocked as he sat behind him, his other hand reaching around his torso, holding onto Henry possessively.
"That's why you're an idiot." Henry said.
Yesung smiled, used to that phrase that he always directed at him. They stayed in that position for a while, neither one moving until the sky outside gradually darkened, signaling the early night that was arriving.
"It's cold." Henry said, breaking the silence.
Yesung withdrew his hands as he positioned himself comfortably against the headboard of his bed, outstretching his hands towards Henry as he gradually pulled him down until they laid beside one another. Not once had Henry protested.
"This is the best way to stay warm." Yesung expressed, returning his hold on him as he pulled him even closer, nestling his head against his.
Henry hadn't completely relaxed in his hold, but his resolve was weakening. "Don't forgive me so easily." Henry softly murmured, closing his eyes as he leaned against his shoulder.
"I won't." Yesung whispered, his hands tucked the last of the covers over them, cradling him in his arms. For the time being, at least.
The pain hadn't subsided completely, but it gradually weakened the longer he remained beside him, knowing that with Henry by his side he would finally have the strength; the motivation to confront and hold onto this reality.
☆ rssj1314 's SungRy ☆
- ILC04 [ Kyuwook] ☆ ILC06 [ EunHae] ----
A/N: AHHHH, can't believe its been this long since I updated... .-. I felt like I wrote so much though, loving how college piles everything in the same week and forces you only a day beforehand >o. Takes a deep breath*
Its all good... Either way, the next mini series will be fixed by my beta and eventually posted, I have about fifteen one-shots in the works at the moment that I'm trying to finish this week. Hoping its possible >>... Feeling my muse's wrath at the moment, but its all good ^^.