How We Became Polyamorous
I had some deep, loving, live-in relationships before my husband, Paladin. Yet each of them was unhealthy in some way.
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I had problems with staying sexually loyal in two of those relationships due to sexual dissatisfaction in the relationship (with Wolf and Dragon, my first and second loves). In one of my relationships previous to my husband I was deeply sexually fulfilled (with my third love, Porcupine), but ultimately the relationship was doomed because he was a drunk.
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After a turmoiled breakup I spent eleven months single. During that time I treated finding a partner like a full time job. I spent six hours a day on writing letters and/or going on dates and/or getting out and meeting people.
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I was highly active on dating websites. I finally hit the "jackpot" when I did a world-wide search and stopped looking locally. The first time Paladin and I talked on skype we literally talked all night, not sleeping at all. We only got off of skype because it was time for him to go to work in the morning!
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I moved over 2000 miles to be with him. We lived very happily for a time. Twice during our first year I found myself attracted to another man, and once to another woman (Snow Leopard). We weren't in an open marriage, nor did we consider ourselves poly. I was verbally open with Paladin nonetheless. We talked things through and nothing really happened outside of our marriage.
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Note: We've been together since December 2009 and hand-fasted in June 2010.
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In March 2012 I began to have strong feelings toward Porcupine, my third love, my ex. I hadn't seen him in years, but I was entranced by memories. I dreamed about him. I became obsessive. It was quite absurd considering how long it had been since I'd seen him.
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Despite my husband's deep misgivings about the whole thing, I wrote Porcupine a letter anyway. He wrote back, to my astonishment. He had expressed in the past that he wanted nothing to do with an ex once a relationship ended. I asked him about that, and he said that I was different and that he still loved me. I was rather shocked, and pleased, and confused...
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I begged Paladin for "permission" to have sex with Porcupine. Paladin was very concerned about my obsession. He essentially wanted to forbid me on that basis. I didn't let the topic drop. It became a serious strain on our relationship.
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I went to see Porcupine, supposedly "platonically." I had no intention of letting things go anywhere. I intended on doing what I said I would do. But then I saw him. All my emotions and feelings were still there, as though the break-up never happened, as though the years hadn't passed, as though I wasn't married to another man. We talked, we caught up, we walked through the park together, we touched, we talked some more, we hugged, and we kissed - on the lips.
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I told Paladin all of this after the fact. He was upset. He thought it was a bad idea. I told him I wanted him to trust me, but he still was concerned. To be truthful, I was concerned too. I didn't feel like myself.
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I arranged a second meeting with Porcupine shortly after the first. I told my husband about it. Just like the first time, my husband walked with me to the meeting point and then left. My ex arrived and I got in his car. We drove to the park and walked around. It took less time to get to kissing. I love the way he kisses - he has always been the only person I really enjoyed kissing. No amount of "training" has ever made anyone else kiss me in a way that I like.
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[Note from December 2014 - a year after this was written originally: Jackal was a nice kisser, actually. And Mermaid too. I also now enjoy kissing Paladin on occasion. I've had some weird baggage about kissing that has mostly been dispersed.]
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And kissing moved to groping, which moved to a suggestion to get into his car. I lost all illusion of intention to keep things platonic. The sex was incredible. It was everything my fantasies hoped it would be. I knew he was an expert and that he was what I wanted, and I got it.
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I told my husband all of this and he was upset, but he handled it like a champion anyway.
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He's never jealous, which has always baffled me, but he was concerned. My past is riddled with hasty actions I wish I could take back, so he was afraid I would do things I would regret.
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And yet, I didn't regret it at all. I wanted more. I arranged for a third meeting, and this time there were no illusions about what I was up to. My husband and I decided not to make any plans for what would happen next, but just allowed that that was what I was doing that day, and left it at that.
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I came home nonplussed. All that fantasy build-up (or whatever it was) seemed to expire on the first event. The second time was okay, but nothing exciting to me - not worth going out of my way for. I had driven to Porcupine's place for it, and I hate driving. I felt it was a waste of having to drive somewhere.
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After that I wasn't sure what it was I was seeking anymore. I realized that I still wanted the permission even though I didn't care about having sex with my ex anymore. I worked through that for a couple weeks before I was able to articulate it.
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Finally, I explained to Paladin that I need his full trust. I need him to trust me to make my own choices, including sexual choices. Of course condoms would always be involved - that is a given for me. Of course I would always tell Paladin what was going on, that is also a given for me.
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When I articulated all of my feelings, Paladin was quiet for a long time. He response was literally one word: "Okay."
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I was rather shocked at his short, accepting answer. No counter-argument, no list of concerns, nothing. I had made myself clear, and he was okay with what I was saying!
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And so our relationship became "open" in the summer of 2012. In the autumn of 2012 we met a polyamorous triad and that opened our eyes to more of what we really want. I detailed that event (meeting Mermaid) in this post.
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Paladin and I have been dreaming of community. We have been dreaming of finding another woman to add to our relationship. Meeting Mermaid and her boyfriends opened our eyes to the fact that we are polyamorous people. We believe in having close relationships with others that may or may not lead to sex, and that may or may not involve living together and that may or may not involve group sex as well.
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In the year we've identified as polyamorous, lots of "almosts" have happened (like with Basket Bear). Looking back on it, I see that some "almost poly" situations happened before I met my husband as well, I just didn't look at it that way at the time. (Such as with Wolf and Mouse.)
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What I really want: Multiple life partners. People who will always be there for me, no matter what. People who would never think twice about asking for my help, my advice, my company. People who I would always feel comfortable cuddling with, who would always feel the same about me.
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I want people to share unconditional, unrestrained love with. I want to share my soul. Full trust of someone includes trusting them so much that you trust them to have relationships deeply with other people and still remain the same wonderful person that you love. Complete trust means trusting someone's judgement when it comes to having sex with other people.
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To me, love isn't complete unless the trust is that full, and if the trust is that full, then there are no secrets, no limits, no boundaries. Everything "goes" as long as its in love. Everything is fine as long as its part of loving respectful expression of oneself.