My Fourth Polyamory Gathering Trip (Part 6) . . . Telling Paladin Our Relationship Is Unsustainable
The following log is transcribed from a notebook I took with me when traveling to the polyamory gathering. Wednesday and Thursday we spent at Rooster's house. Friday we went on to the poly gathering, and a golden shower was given! Saturday I felt betrayed. Sunday I co-taught a bellydancing class with Brenda, and late at night had a revelation about being an infant during sex. (Want more background. Click here to go back to April 2013, and my very first trip to the polyamory gathering.)
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Monday, April 18th 2016
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7:00am to 7:43am - Packing and feeling meh. Paladin and Hibiscus still asleep.
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7:43am to 8:13am - Breakfast with Hibiscus, Daven, etc.
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8:13am to 9:10am - Talking with Merald, Basket Bear, Hibiscus, saying a few goodbyes. Laying in the living room with Hibiscus and talking about what we might do if I were actually pregnant. We know that's unlikely since I was only two days out of my period and he didn't orgasm inside me anyway.
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9:10am to 11:17am - Singing with Hibiscus, Rooster, Linda, Daven and Jenni while Chad played the piano beautifully. We sang Imagine and a number of other songs. I suggested Lean on Me, so Chad fetched the music notes from his car. I tried to get Paladin to join us for that, but he said he wasn't in the mood. He hid out in the kitchen with Virgil. Feeling a deep fulfilling of my programming to enjoy a certain music with my loved ones. I suggested Scarborough Fair, a song I knew Hibiscus liked, and that I liked, and that everyone would know at least somewhat.
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11:17am to 11:45am - Brunch. I had milk and berries and sat beside Daven.
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11:45am to 12:41pm - More singing to Chad's piano playing. Feeling happy, joyful, divine, and a little anxious or sad at times. Chad played Bad Romance for me at my request and I delightedly sang along. He'd never played it before, so he had a little trouble with the various repeating parts.
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12:41pm to 1:05pm - Packing cooler. Focused. Peaceful.
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1:05pm to 1:45pm - Loading the car. Saying goodbyes to Chad and Brenda, Virgil and Holly.
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1:45pm to 6:45pm - The car ride home with Paladin and Hibiscus, back to Silverstag Eco Hamlet. Grocery shopping. We talked about the poly gathering experience. This was Paladin and I's fourth time going, and Hibiscus's first. Hibiscus reflected that it was emotionally fulfilling in many ways. Paladin said it was his least favorite of the four times we've gone, in a large part to his newfound attachment to meeting someone there. I reflected on how it was better than the New Years gathering of December 2014 / January 2015.
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We also talked about STIs, and testing and different network's parameters and protocols regarding this. This led into a long conversation with Paladin about our relationship issues. Feeling despair, shame and desperation.
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Later, I wrote about this in detail:
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Hibiscus gave Paladin a turn at driving so that he could eat. I gave him a little container filled with raw apple pie. I had originally made the little pies for myself, but after eating one of the four containers at Rooster's place, I hadn't felt so good.
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I decided to let Hibiscus eat the other three. My body just didn't want nuts, and particularly not in combination with dried fruit or fresh fruit. In this case, almonds mixed with prunes, cinnamon, fresh apple, nutmeg, allspice, cardamom, and vanilla powder.
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"Is it okay if I segway onto a related topic of greater magnitude?" I asked Paladin. We had been talking about sexually transmitted infections and what protocols were most common in polyamorous networks, and our own individual comfort levels.
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Paladin paused a moment, his eyes on the road. Then he nodded with a single jerk of the chin downward and then, almost as an afterthought to the nod, said, "Yes."
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I chewed my lip. Where do I even begin? The heaviness in my heart deepened. I leaned my head back against the seat's headrest.
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"I think of a romantic partnership as having three distinctions that separates it from friendship. Commitment, romance, and sexual intimacy," I said. My voice shook only a little as I spoke. Paladin listened quietly as he drove.
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"Friendship is defined to me as an ally who I can rely on," I continued. "Someone I can have fun with, someone I can be authentically me around, and generally also someone I can learn from, but not necessarily."
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Each sentence was a stealing of selves, a reigning and reining of my internal committee of values, emotions, and rulebooks. "In the past three months, and in much of the last year, I've felt like we've not been partners, and barely even friends, because aside from commitment, we hardly share these things."
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My voice didn't break. I'd been processing my grief for Paladin in pieces for over a year. "In our first year together I was constantly learning from you. I still learn some. We've had our times when we've had fun together." I thought of us playing the Lego Lord of the Rings game together back in Snowland. That had been over a year ago, and yet that was what came to mind first.
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"Sometimes you're my ally. A lot of the time I feel like you are not. Sometimes I can rely on you, but much of the time I can't. That's on the friendship front. As for our marriage, we don't have romance. We never did. It's been essentially non-existent in our relationship from the beginning. I'm not sure that's a problem, but out of sexual intimacy, commitment and romance, I feel we need at least two of the three for it to feel like a real relationship to me."
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Hibiscus put his hand on my shoulder from behind me. His touch was comforting, reassuring. My emotions pulled toward his touch, his love, withdrawing from the pain within, withdrawing from Paladin.
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No, I thought. I need to feel this. I need to be here with Paladin. Full focus. I reached up and took Hibiscus's hand in mine and removed it from my shoulder slowly, deliberately.
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"We've always had commitment," I went on to Paladin. "That's barely ever wavered. We've had sexual intimacy come and go. I'm defining sexual intimacy here as sexual connection at least once per week. And by connection, I mean a deep, meaningful sexual exchange.
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"That could mean foreplay that doesn't lead anywhere, that could mean oral sex, typical sex or mutual masturbation. It could be almost anything, and yet, at the times when we've had sex recently, it didn't feel sexually intimate at all.
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"I feel so ashamed and dirty about my desires around you that sex with you doesn't feel safe. I feel like I'll be rejected at any moment and caused to feel incredibly lonely.
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"We've had sexual intimacy at times - for periods of a couple months - but for more than half of the months and years we've been together, we have not."
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Heart pain stabbed me; the blackness of rejection blanketed my being. Still, tears didn't fall from my eyes. They didn't even sting. My throat didn't lump up, though my voice shook with feeling.
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"And this is why I say I don't feel like we have a relationship, why I don't feel like you love me. I can't carry this weight forever. This isn't a sustainable way to go on." I took a deep breath, despair battling with optimism inside me. But maybe, maybe just maybe, by telling you these things now, we can work it out. We can find a way to make our connection vital again.
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6:45pm to 7:30pm - Unloading car, unpacking. Meh.
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7:30pm to 8:10pm - Talking with Hibiscus and Paladin about Hibiscus's parents, my emotional discomfort, my relationship with Paladin and getting new shoes for Paladin.
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8:10pm to 8:58pm - Talking to Hibiscus, primarily about his parents. Feeling afraid.
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8:58pm to 10:12pm - Talking with Hibiscus and also listening to Hibiscus talk over the phone with his parents. This was his first time on the phone with them since they sent him the hand-written letter that caused so much emotional upheaval. Empathy for his parents. Relief about the situation. Fear about how it would all turn out. Anxiety. A little peace.
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10:12pm to 12:03am - Talking with Hibiscus about his will, and hypothetical/eventual death. This was brought up by the line in his parents' letter that said, "We hope you're not changing your will." What could they possibly intend by saying such a thing?
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Hibiscus and I had sex. I orgasmed eight times, including one after penetration stopped through nipples and knees. Four vaginal orgasms and four emotional/neural orgasms. Aroused, devious, grateful, afraid, worried, anxious, empathetic, loved, pleased, ecstatic.