My Fourth Polyamory Gathering Trip (Part 5) . . . My Words Became My Me
The following log is transcribed from a notebook I took with me when traveling to visit Rooster and Oryx and attend the polyamory gathering. Wednesday and Thursday we spent at Rooster's house. Friday we went on to the poly gathering, and a golden shower was given! Saturday I felt betrayed. (Want more background. Click here to go back to April 2013, and my very first trip to the polyamory gathering.)
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Sunday, April 17th 2016
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7:29am to 8:15am - Talking to Hibiscus. Happy. Sad. Pains in my legs. Possibly from exercise on the slack-line yesterday.
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8:15am to 8:46am - Breakfast. Talking with Paladin and Virgil. Feeling anxiety and some peace.
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8:46am to 9:35am - Napping with Hibiscus.
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9:35am to 9:48am - Laying about. Peaceful. Meh. Sad.
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9:48am to 10:42am - Sun with Hibiscus, Paladin, Basket Bear, Merald, and the overweight sociable black guy. Got some nice photos at the picnic table between Hibiscus and Paladin. Feeling peaceful, pleased, anxious, amused, meh.
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10:42am to 11:02am - Working on Hibiscus's back.
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11:02am to 12:31pm - Hibiscus takes photographs of me. Feeling highly pleased and loved. Bellydancing "class" Daven, Brenda, Laren, Jenni, Robin and the overweight Russian woman. Hibiscus took photos throughout. Paladin watched briefly but then went on a hike with Basket Bear. I felt resentful about that. Rooster watched the bellydancing for a while. Feeling sexy, worried, hopeful, meditative, excited, focused, inward, curious, wistful, disappointed, and vaguely aroused.
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12:31pm to 12:35pm - Logging by hand in my notebook.
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12:35pm to 12:40pm - Touching up my make-up. Feeling both anxious and peaceful.
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Reflection: What is the point of make-up? It is a fun art project, but it seems like eyeshadow gives me a headache. Feeling disappointed about that.
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12:40pm to 1:44pm - Lunch. Talked with Chad, Rosanne's partner Rob, Laren, Hibiscus, etc. Ate berries with raw goat's milk. Felt peaceful, meh, pleased. Flattered at times. Got the first load of laundry done.
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1:44pm to 1:56pm - Logging and touching up make-up again. (Didn't wear make-up yesterday or at any other point during the trip.)
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1:56pm to 2:29pm - Sun bathing. Laundry. Looking at Daven's chain-mail projects. Peaceful. Anxious. Pleased. Aroused.
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2:29pm to 6:28pm - Kink workshop led by Chad and Brenda. Rosanne spoke for a while. Hibiscus, Paladin, Jenni, Mikki, and Lady Drunk also attended. Basket Bear was there for some of it. Chad demonstrated gentle vaginal whipping on me. Hibiscus tied me up. Pleased. Embarrassed. Highly aroused. Devious. Excited. Peaceful when not feeling those other emotions.
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Afterward, perhaps 4:15pm, Hibiscus and I had amazing sex. It felt like I orgasmed the whole time. I am still wearing make-up. No headache as of yet (at 6:30pm). Ecstatic sex, for sure. About 4:40pm I joined the group discussion with "everyone" there. Karlyn and Robyn had already left. Felt great and grateful throughout the group discussion. Also some arousal, nervousness, and a little boredom when folks rambled.
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6:28pm to 6:33pm - Logging (by hand).
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6:33pm to 6:42pm - Checking dryer. Someone must have gotten to it before me, as it was empty. I feel like I'm in a negative, destructive vibration at the moment.
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6:42pm to 6:56pm - Washing make-up off. I needed to feel clean.
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6:56pm to 9:17pm - Dinner between Hibiscus and Paladin near Hollie, Chad, Brenda, Merald and Basket Bear. Then we played the white board game. Feeling happy, meh, amused, and a little anxious at times. Felt pleased with Paladin's and Hibiscus's food choices this time.
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9:17pm to 12:00am - Hanging out. Goodbye to Molly, who kissed me (and everyone else) on the lips. In the living area things turned sexual with touching Jenni and Daven touching me. I used my vibrator over my leggings, but couldn't get off. Hibiscus was there. Paladin stayed away, hiding in the kitchen talking with Virgil.
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12:00am to 1:03am - Amazing sex with Hibiscus, although the condom broke for the first time. Hibiscus had never had a condom break before in his life.
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My first orgasm came from imagining completely non-sexual things Hibiscus had done or said. Not even specifically for me, but just things about him. It seemed like an unconscious process, as I had no particular intention of getting myself off in some unusual way. After orgasming from that, I had a sense of utter bliss. In this space I retracted into a fetal position while Hibiscus continued to have sex with me. I felt regressed to a baby, feeling blissful.
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I became a purer version of myself and lost my usual ability with language. I vacillated between being mute and having no words at all and having some words, but speaking without the usual conventions of the English language.
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1:03am to 1:40am - Hibiscus and I went downstairs. I found Paladin in the kitchen. I exclaimed to Paladin how I finally understood he didn't have words. "I became the words," I told him. "I had to in order to function. You have not become the words, and that's why you have trouble functioning sometimes. The words are not me, except when my me becomes words. My me has been words. But my original me doesn't translate directly. Words mash and change the truth to fit within the word box."
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Paladin seemed moved by my sincere and devoted expression. We hugged. Chad was sitting on the other side of Paladin on the bench and he said, "Beautiful, and sincere," listening to what I was saying. Jenni and Brenda were also there, and I believe there were also listening, and Hibiscus too, but I only had eyes for Paladin as I spoke.
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Hibiscus sang the potato song and it was adorable.
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1:40am to 1:50am - Drifting to sleep.
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1:50am to 7:00am - Sleeping.
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Continue reading . . . On Monday I finally talked to Paladin about how our relationship felt unsustainable.