My Fourth Polyamory Gathering Trip (Part 4) . . . Feeling Betrayed
The following log is transcribed from a notebook I took with me when traveling to visit Rooster and Oryx and attend the polyamory gathering. Wednesday and Thursday we spent at Rooster's house. Friday we went on to the poly gathering, and a golden shower was given! (Want more background. Click here to go back to April 2013, and my very first trip to the polyamory gathering.)
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Saturday, April 16th 2016
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3:05am to 3:20am - Feeling miserable.
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3:20am to 7:20am - Sleeping.
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7:20am to 7:43am - Dressing, logging.
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7:43am to 9:02am - Goat milk and berries; talking to Chad and Brenda. Hibiscus and Paladin on clean-up duty.
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9:02am to 9:57am - Masturbating. Napping.
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9:57am to 10:10am - Pooping. Dressing for hot-tub.
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10:10am to 10:52am - Hot tub and sunning nude. Feeling peaceful for about ten minutes. Then triggered by Paladin.
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"You want me to be miserable for your entertainment," he said, entirely misreading what I was saying. Feeling sad and anxious some, and "meh" the rest of the time.
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10:52am to 11:38am - Talking a bit to Paladin (ten minutes), then with Hibiscus, then laundry. (I asked if I could do a chore other than dishes so that I wouldn't be triggered by doing other people's dishes of food I couldn't eat.) Feeling sad, loving, hopeful.
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11:38am to 11:43am - Moved laundry into dryer. Feeling sad.
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11:43am to 12:24pm - Talking, cuddling and reading with Hibiscus alone in the room. Peaceful, sad.
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12:24pm to 12:40pm - Folding laundry with Paladin. Peaceful, sad, anxious, a little depressed. Mildly pleased.
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12:40pm to 1:23pm - Lunch. Sad. Meh.
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1:23pm to 2:35pm - Outside with Hibiscus. Slack-line and sun bathing. Saw Paladin very briefly. Sad, aroused, pleased. Peaceful, meh. Joyful for about two minutes.
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2:35pm to 3:26pm - Sex with Hibiscus. Three orgasms: one vaginal, two neural/emotional. Nap-ish. Masturbating with vibrator. Clitoral orgasm. Five minutes ecstatic. Forty minutes aroused. Still feeling sad.
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3:26pm to 6:36pm -Talked with Daven. Women's group conversation happened. Anxious. Desperate. Afraid. Sad. Meh. Pleased by Robyn's contribution to the group conversation. I felt connected to her, which rescued the experience for me a bit.
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6:36pm to 7:24pm - Talking to Paladin. Conveying a lot of my feelings and trepidations.
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7:24pm to 8:50pm - Trying to get a photo with Paladin and Hibiscus but Paladin had to hurry to get in line for dinner. It felt like the connecting I tried to do with Paladin was for naught. I went off to my room to cry. Hibiscus found me. I took photos with Hibiscus. I joined Paladin, Basket Bear, Tera, Merald and Hibiscus for dinner.
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I felt sick to my stomach about Paladin and Hibiscus both eating pasta. I thought perhaps that I wouldn't be so triggered but I felt so vulnerable and exposed. I enjoyed some of the conversation. I finally got Paladin and Hibiscus to do the photo thing with me.
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Then Hibiscus went off saying he would get more wine but actually went and got dessert. I feel hopeless. Why bother making healthier dessert options for him? Why bother when he'll still covet crap? Crap. Poison. Poison to me. Others?
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I've felt so insecure this time around. People and culture at large just seem to fail me time and time again.
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I feel guilty about repeatedly retreating to the room to cry. I'm afraid - terribly afraid - that Hibiscus will feel like this trip was a waste of his time and money.
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If only I could push through. Shall I cave and cover and do my very best faking now? I can't possibly process all the garbage [about food, culture, etc] this weekend. I wish . . . . . . I'm sorry.
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If I'm on not on a mission to find someone new, why am I here? Friends? I don't think I believe in friends. They just don't seem to happen. Not really-really.
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I feel isolated. I thought maybe it would be different with Hibiscus here. In some ways it is. I have a more reliable, relatable buddy. He is there for me in ways that Paladin is not.
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But Paladin used to be more there for me before Hibiscus was in my life. And that was a lot of what was upsetting me yesterday.
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My eyes burn. My heart feels like lead. I realize that I am waiting to be rescued. Fuck it.
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8:50pm to 9:10pm - Writing and feeling horrible.
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9:10pm to 10:48pm - Talent show. I performed a poem of mine and talked about my organic, hand-made clothing and dreadlock wig. Feeling joyful, uplifted, excited, ecstatic, and perhaps some compersion of some sort.
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10:48pm to 12:08am - Dancing. Some ecstatic and divine periods briefly. Feeling embarrassed about jumping and hitting the projector. Aroused a bit, especially during songs like "Closer," by Nine Inch Nails. Anxious and sad much of the time. Disappointed at times when Paladin or Hibiscus wandered off for a while. Uncomfortable with Basket Bear, who was shirtless and dancing up on me a few times. Awkward, considering our history.
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12:08am to 1:00am - With Hibiscus in the room. Feeling sad and aroused.
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1:00am to 2:10am - Eating salad, talking to Paladin and Hibiscus. Feeling peaceful and cheerful.
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2:10am to 2:27am - Talking to Paladin. Sad. Peaceful.
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2:27am to 2:38am - Drifting toward sleep.
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2:38am to 7:12am - Sleeping
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7:12am to 7:17am - Briefly awake.
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7:17am to 7:29am - Sleeping.
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Continue reading with Sunday, part 5, where I had a revelation about how "my words became my me."