A Story of a Man & his Turtle' (Chapter 1)
Title: A story of a man and his turtle (1/?)
Rating: PG
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Sergio Ramos (Steven Gerrard, Daniel Agger, and Jamie Carragher make appearances throughout)
Warning: none
Disclaimer: so completely false, I have no idea if Fernando has pet turtles. That being said this is a crack fic. It is completely ridiculous, and is in no way meant to be taken seriously
Summary: Everyone wants to know the real reason Fernando left Liverpool for Chelsea, well the answer, surprisingly, is......for a turtle
Author Notes: I'm sure most/many of you've seen or heard of the hilarious translation fail found on tumblr, in which someone translated an interview of Fernando Torres'. In which he stated that he left LFC because Jamie Carragher couldn't stand turtles, and he loved them, and so therefore couldn't stand to be around Carragher anymore. This is the first crack!fic I've written (I don't suspect I'll be writing anymore crack) I just thought the whole thing was so hilarious that it deserved a crack fic, and I think it takes away from the wank that's still going on. I hadn't even intended to write this, I had another AU all planned out (1st chapter written and all), and this little plot bunny took a hold of me. I sincerely apologize
Thanks to kissmecait17 and to kylijah for encouraging me to write this ridiculousness. I guess we all needed a break from the wank. That being said, I guess you could blame them if you hate it (no don't blame them)
Comments are greatly appreciated. I realize this is crack and therefore is ridiculous, but if you really think its crap, tell me, don't want to write anything people won't get a laugh out of.
It had been a long, awful, day at practice. Carragher had been harassing him again about his turtle. Ever since Carragher had found out about Fernando’s pet turtle, Horsey, he had taken every opportunity to harass Fernando about it. Fernando couldn’t understand why Jamie hated turtles so much, I mean what had they ever done to him? He’d asked Steven about it once, a while ago. According to him, a snapping turtle had bitten Carragher when he was a kid, and now he couldn’t stand the buggers. Apparently, this had been a problem, at first, for Steven, who also loved turtles, and taught his daughters how to take care of the two they had at home. Unfortunately, for Carragher, because Steven was the captain, he had to learn to tolerate his turtles, Xabi and Stevie Jr. However, Carragher still refused to come over to Steven’s house for dinner. Fernando did not have that advantage. It’s not like he made a big deal about Horsey, or brought him to practice, like Stevie did.
Carragher had found out about Horsey accidentally. Fernando had invited a few of the guys over for some beers and video games. Steven had warned him about Jamie’s hatred of turtles, and so he had moved Horsey to his bedroom, along with the last toy Sergio had sent, as well as his little towel that had been soaked in Sergio’s cologne, which he really seemed to love. (Fernando had tried to tell Sergio that Horsey had no interest in toys, but Sergio just kept sending them. He supposed it was because Sergio felt guilty about not being able to spend time with him. ) Things had been going great; Fernando was kicking everyone’s asses, until Carragher spilled beer all over his shirt. Not thinking, he’d told him to grab a t-shirt from the bedroom. Ten minutes later Carragher came out, soaked t-shirt in his hand, with a blank look on his face.
“Hey Jamie what’s the matter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Jamie doesn’t answer, instead he points to Fernando. “You……..why? Why do you have one of those…..things?”
Fernando shares a worried glance with Steven. “I’m sorry Jamie, you weren’t supposed to know. I should’ve gotten the t-shirt myself. “
“Doesn’t really matter now does it? I know now.” Jamie stamps towards the door and grabs his coat.
“I’ll see myself out thanks Fernando, thanks for the t-shirt.” He slams the door behind him, but not before shooting Fernando a look of disgust.
Stevie looks back at Fernando. “Sorry mate, it’ll be ok. I mean he doesn’t have to come over here again. He wasn’t a big fan of Xabi or Stevie Jr. at first, but he puts up with them now.”
“Yeah but you’re the captain, I mean he has to, right?”
“Well yeah of course.”
“Ok what the fuck are you guys talking about?”
Fernando looks up to find Dan and Pepe watching them
“Oh ummm Jamie doesn’t like turtles, I mean……he hates them…..accident at the zoo when he was kid apparently.”
“You have a pet turtle?” Dan asks excitedly.
“Yes……..”
“Can I see it?”
“Sure, why not, Jamie’s gone; I’ll bring him back out. He likes other people, like his dad.”
“What? You don’t play nice with others Nando.”
Stevie smiles knowingly.
Fernando walks back into the bedroom he sees shirts scattered everywhere, but Horsey, thankfully seems to be fine, he’s even moved around Sergio’s new toy. He can’t really explain his fascination with turtles. He’s always liked them, ever since he was a kid. He remembers going to the zoo, and his mom having to drag him out of the reptile house. Of course when he and Olalla had come to Liverpool, had made a home, become a family, they’d gotten dogs. That’s what people…..families did. Fernando loved his dogs, he loved his children, he loved his wife, but also really wanted a pet turtle. Olalla would never let him have one though; she said they were unsanitary, that they all carried diseases, poisons, and they couldn’t have them around the children. When he and Olalla separated, well Fernando had been devastated of course, but Sergio had helped him, tried to make him see the positives of the separation. For one, Fernando no longer had to hide Sergio from Olalla, and he could finally get a turtle. He and Sergio had gone together, Fernando had finally convinced Sergio to visit Liverpool, to pick out Horsey. They’d spent hours there, trying to find just the right turtle for them. According to Sergio, this was going to be their pet, even though he wouldn’t be able to see it all that often. He remembers watching Horsey, watching Sergio watching Horsey (Fernando had chosen the name, and Sergio hadn’t argued), walk around the house, exploring. He remembers Sergio kissing the corner of his mouth, unexpectedly as he smiled freely, for the first time in a long time watching Horsey explore his new home. Horsey was their link, their way of staying connected, even when they were so far apart.
“So Sergio finally found something you liked hmmm? I hope Jamie didn’t scare you. “ He takes Horsey out of his, custom made, tank, and lifts him to his face. “He doesn’t like turtles very much……I know that’s discrimination right?” Horsey just stares at him, although Fernando likes to think he understands him. “Let’s go make some friends ok?”
He walks back into the living room to find the guys playing video games. He sits down on the carpet with Horsey and lets him room, it isn’t long before the guys realize he’s there.
“Oh shit……..hey cool that’s the turtle eh Nando?”
“Yeah that’s Horsey.”
“What? Horsey, that’s a stupid name for a…..owww.” (Stevie pokes him in the ribs)
“Why Horsey? I mean he’s obviously not a horse.”
“I named him after his dad.”
“You don’t look like a horse.”
Stevie and Pepe burst out laughing, as Stevie claps Dan on the shoulder. “Dan, mate, I love you, but come on. It’s completely obvious.”
“What?!”
“Horsey is named after his dad……….who is in Madrid.”
“Oh. So why doesn’t he live in Madrid with Sergio?”
“Because Sergio spoils him too much, he would be overweight, and would be forced to wear turtle sized Real Madrid number four jerseys all the time…….disgusting.”
“He has turtle sized jerseys?”
“Yes, he has each of our national team jerseys, Sergio’s Real Madrid jersey, and my Liverpool jersey. Stevie’s turtles have jerseys too.”
“You guys are crazy, but geeshh this guy is cute. Can I pick him up?”
“Sure, like I said he likes people, like….”
“Sergio.” Dan finishes for Fernando.
The video game is put away, as Horsey becomes the center of attention. Jamie is forgotten, although that look of disgust haunts Fernando long after everyone goes home.
Fernando runs into the pet store as quickly as possible, its hard when everyone knows you, to grab a few things for Horsey. It’s a relief to get home, the harassment has really been getting out of hand these last couple of weeks, and it’s really starting to get to him, more than he would ever admit to Carragher. He sets the bag on the kitchen counter and grabs a beer out of the fridge, he really shouldn’t be drinking, but it’s been a really shitty day, and he fuck he deserves it. He flips on the t.v but nothing really interests him, so he decides to check in on Horsey, let him out for the evening. However, Horsey is not in his tank.
Fernando begins to flip out. There’s no way he could’ve crawled out of his tank, its too tall, and he’s never done that before, so why now? He wonders if maybe Olalla and Nora stopped by. Nora loved Horsey…….maybe he’d forgotten, maybe he’d promised Nora she could take of Horsey tonight. That could be, yes, that was probably it, he’d been so stressed out lately. He’d just call Olalla real quick, and sort this all out.
They didn’t have Horsey. Fernando was really starting to panic. Could Stevie have borrowed Horsey for a play date with Stevie Jr. and Xabi? It seemed very unlikely, but it was worth a shot.
He’s sure Stevie can hear the panic in his voice.
“Hi Stevie, sorry to bother you.”
“No, no problem Nando. What’s up, you sound…….worried.”
“Stevie, you didn’t by chance swing by after practice, or have Alex drop by during practice, to pick up Horsey for a play date did you?”
“Umm no. I thought he didn’t like playing with other turtles.”
“Right….right, no he doesn’t. It’s just, well, he’s missing. Olalla and Nora don’t have him, and I just thought……I don’t know, maybe you would.”
“Have you tried looking around the house? Maybe he just decided to explore. Stevie Jr. does that sometimes, I’ll find him two hours later in the girls’ bathroom, or in the playroom.”
“But he’s never done that before, why today?”
“Why do turtles do anything Fernando?”
“Ok, ok, sorry to bother you. I’ll check around the house. Thanks Steven.”
“Sure, no problem I hope you find him soon Nando.”
Fernando hangs up and begins to methodically search each and every room in the house, but no Horsey. He returns to Horsey’s room, hoping maybe he just missed something, that’s when he sees the note-it’s under Horsey’s towel (the one that smells like Sergio’s cologne)
Fernando
You may have noticed that your turtle is gone.
I took him; actually, I had someone else take him, because I can’t bear to touch
that disgusting creature. There’s no way you can find him, and if you tell anyone on the team, especially
Stevie, I will tell everyone about the multiple jerseys, the cologne scented towel (which by the way I left
because that’s disturbing, and Dan told me how attached that thing was to that towel. Now he’ll be
without it and the precious smell of his dad), and I will go to the papers about your relationship with Sergio.
If you want him back, you’re going to have to pay me fifty million pounds. You think I’m joking? You
have until the transfer window ends, if I don’t get the money by then, I’m telling everyone your secrets.
Carragher
Fernando sets down the note, his hands shaking. He has no idea what to do. He doesn’t doubt Carragher will go to the media, the way he’s been treating Fernando these last couple of months, with absolute disgust and hatred, leave little doubt. Carragher would take absolute joy in destroying him, destroying his life, destroying Sergio’s life. He has to get Horsey back, Horsey who is probably all alone, and scared, and……hopefully still alive. The question is, how is he going to get the money to pay him? Who has fifty million pounds lying around?
Rating: PG
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Sergio Ramos (Steven Gerrard, Daniel Agger, and Jamie Carragher make appearances throughout)
Warning: none
Disclaimer: so completely false, I have no idea if Fernando has pet turtles. That being said this is a crack fic. It is completely ridiculous, and is in no way meant to be taken seriously
Summary: Everyone wants to know the real reason Fernando left Liverpool for Chelsea, well the answer, surprisingly, is......for a turtle
Author Notes: I'm sure most/many of you've seen or heard of the hilarious translation fail found on tumblr, in which someone translated an interview of Fernando Torres'. In which he stated that he left LFC because Jamie Carragher couldn't stand turtles, and he loved them, and so therefore couldn't stand to be around Carragher anymore. This is the first crack!fic I've written (I don't suspect I'll be writing anymore crack) I just thought the whole thing was so hilarious that it deserved a crack fic, and I think it takes away from the wank that's still going on. I hadn't even intended to write this, I had another AU all planned out (1st chapter written and all), and this little plot bunny took a hold of me. I sincerely apologize
Thanks to kissmecait17 and to kylijah for encouraging me to write this ridiculousness. I guess we all needed a break from the wank. That being said, I guess you could blame them if you hate it (no don't blame them)
Comments are greatly appreciated. I realize this is crack and therefore is ridiculous, but if you really think its crap, tell me, don't want to write anything people won't get a laugh out of.
It had been a long, awful, day at practice. Carragher had been harassing him again about his turtle. Ever since Carragher had found out about Fernando’s pet turtle, Horsey, he had taken every opportunity to harass Fernando about it. Fernando couldn’t understand why Jamie hated turtles so much, I mean what had they ever done to him? He’d asked Steven about it once, a while ago. According to him, a snapping turtle had bitten Carragher when he was a kid, and now he couldn’t stand the buggers. Apparently, this had been a problem, at first, for Steven, who also loved turtles, and taught his daughters how to take care of the two they had at home. Unfortunately, for Carragher, because Steven was the captain, he had to learn to tolerate his turtles, Xabi and Stevie Jr. However, Carragher still refused to come over to Steven’s house for dinner. Fernando did not have that advantage. It’s not like he made a big deal about Horsey, or brought him to practice, like Stevie did.
Carragher had found out about Horsey accidentally. Fernando had invited a few of the guys over for some beers and video games. Steven had warned him about Jamie’s hatred of turtles, and so he had moved Horsey to his bedroom, along with the last toy Sergio had sent, as well as his little towel that had been soaked in Sergio’s cologne, which he really seemed to love. (Fernando had tried to tell Sergio that Horsey had no interest in toys, but Sergio just kept sending them. He supposed it was because Sergio felt guilty about not being able to spend time with him. ) Things had been going great; Fernando was kicking everyone’s asses, until Carragher spilled beer all over his shirt. Not thinking, he’d told him to grab a t-shirt from the bedroom. Ten minutes later Carragher came out, soaked t-shirt in his hand, with a blank look on his face.
“Hey Jamie what’s the matter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Jamie doesn’t answer, instead he points to Fernando. “You……..why? Why do you have one of those…..things?”
Fernando shares a worried glance with Steven. “I’m sorry Jamie, you weren’t supposed to know. I should’ve gotten the t-shirt myself. “
“Doesn’t really matter now does it? I know now.” Jamie stamps towards the door and grabs his coat.
“I’ll see myself out thanks Fernando, thanks for the t-shirt.” He slams the door behind him, but not before shooting Fernando a look of disgust.
Stevie looks back at Fernando. “Sorry mate, it’ll be ok. I mean he doesn’t have to come over here again. He wasn’t a big fan of Xabi or Stevie Jr. at first, but he puts up with them now.”
“Yeah but you’re the captain, I mean he has to, right?”
“Well yeah of course.”
“Ok what the fuck are you guys talking about?”
Fernando looks up to find Dan and Pepe watching them
“Oh ummm Jamie doesn’t like turtles, I mean……he hates them…..accident at the zoo when he was kid apparently.”
“You have a pet turtle?” Dan asks excitedly.
“Yes……..”
“Can I see it?”
“Sure, why not, Jamie’s gone; I’ll bring him back out. He likes other people, like his dad.”
“What? You don’t play nice with others Nando.”
Stevie smiles knowingly.
Fernando walks back into the bedroom he sees shirts scattered everywhere, but Horsey, thankfully seems to be fine, he’s even moved around Sergio’s new toy. He can’t really explain his fascination with turtles. He’s always liked them, ever since he was a kid. He remembers going to the zoo, and his mom having to drag him out of the reptile house. Of course when he and Olalla had come to Liverpool, had made a home, become a family, they’d gotten dogs. That’s what people…..families did. Fernando loved his dogs, he loved his children, he loved his wife, but also really wanted a pet turtle. Olalla would never let him have one though; she said they were unsanitary, that they all carried diseases, poisons, and they couldn’t have them around the children. When he and Olalla separated, well Fernando had been devastated of course, but Sergio had helped him, tried to make him see the positives of the separation. For one, Fernando no longer had to hide Sergio from Olalla, and he could finally get a turtle. He and Sergio had gone together, Fernando had finally convinced Sergio to visit Liverpool, to pick out Horsey. They’d spent hours there, trying to find just the right turtle for them. According to Sergio, this was going to be their pet, even though he wouldn’t be able to see it all that often. He remembers watching Horsey, watching Sergio watching Horsey (Fernando had chosen the name, and Sergio hadn’t argued), walk around the house, exploring. He remembers Sergio kissing the corner of his mouth, unexpectedly as he smiled freely, for the first time in a long time watching Horsey explore his new home. Horsey was their link, their way of staying connected, even when they were so far apart.
“So Sergio finally found something you liked hmmm? I hope Jamie didn’t scare you. “ He takes Horsey out of his, custom made, tank, and lifts him to his face. “He doesn’t like turtles very much……I know that’s discrimination right?” Horsey just stares at him, although Fernando likes to think he understands him. “Let’s go make some friends ok?”
He walks back into the living room to find the guys playing video games. He sits down on the carpet with Horsey and lets him room, it isn’t long before the guys realize he’s there.
“Oh shit……..hey cool that’s the turtle eh Nando?”
“Yeah that’s Horsey.”
“What? Horsey, that’s a stupid name for a…..owww.” (Stevie pokes him in the ribs)
“Why Horsey? I mean he’s obviously not a horse.”
“I named him after his dad.”
“You don’t look like a horse.”
Stevie and Pepe burst out laughing, as Stevie claps Dan on the shoulder. “Dan, mate, I love you, but come on. It’s completely obvious.”
“What?!”
“Horsey is named after his dad……….who is in Madrid.”
“Oh. So why doesn’t he live in Madrid with Sergio?”
“Because Sergio spoils him too much, he would be overweight, and would be forced to wear turtle sized Real Madrid number four jerseys all the time…….disgusting.”
“He has turtle sized jerseys?”
“Yes, he has each of our national team jerseys, Sergio’s Real Madrid jersey, and my Liverpool jersey. Stevie’s turtles have jerseys too.”
“You guys are crazy, but geeshh this guy is cute. Can I pick him up?”
“Sure, like I said he likes people, like….”
“Sergio.” Dan finishes for Fernando.
The video game is put away, as Horsey becomes the center of attention. Jamie is forgotten, although that look of disgust haunts Fernando long after everyone goes home.
Fernando runs into the pet store as quickly as possible, its hard when everyone knows you, to grab a few things for Horsey. It’s a relief to get home, the harassment has really been getting out of hand these last couple of weeks, and it’s really starting to get to him, more than he would ever admit to Carragher. He sets the bag on the kitchen counter and grabs a beer out of the fridge, he really shouldn’t be drinking, but it’s been a really shitty day, and he fuck he deserves it. He flips on the t.v but nothing really interests him, so he decides to check in on Horsey, let him out for the evening. However, Horsey is not in his tank.
Fernando begins to flip out. There’s no way he could’ve crawled out of his tank, its too tall, and he’s never done that before, so why now? He wonders if maybe Olalla and Nora stopped by. Nora loved Horsey…….maybe he’d forgotten, maybe he’d promised Nora she could take of Horsey tonight. That could be, yes, that was probably it, he’d been so stressed out lately. He’d just call Olalla real quick, and sort this all out.
They didn’t have Horsey. Fernando was really starting to panic. Could Stevie have borrowed Horsey for a play date with Stevie Jr. and Xabi? It seemed very unlikely, but it was worth a shot.
He’s sure Stevie can hear the panic in his voice.
“Hi Stevie, sorry to bother you.”
“No, no problem Nando. What’s up, you sound…….worried.”
“Stevie, you didn’t by chance swing by after practice, or have Alex drop by during practice, to pick up Horsey for a play date did you?”
“Umm no. I thought he didn’t like playing with other turtles.”
“Right….right, no he doesn’t. It’s just, well, he’s missing. Olalla and Nora don’t have him, and I just thought……I don’t know, maybe you would.”
“Have you tried looking around the house? Maybe he just decided to explore. Stevie Jr. does that sometimes, I’ll find him two hours later in the girls’ bathroom, or in the playroom.”
“But he’s never done that before, why today?”
“Why do turtles do anything Fernando?”
“Ok, ok, sorry to bother you. I’ll check around the house. Thanks Steven.”
“Sure, no problem I hope you find him soon Nando.”
Fernando hangs up and begins to methodically search each and every room in the house, but no Horsey. He returns to Horsey’s room, hoping maybe he just missed something, that’s when he sees the note-it’s under Horsey’s towel (the one that smells like Sergio’s cologne)
Fernando
You may have noticed that your turtle is gone.
I took him; actually, I had someone else take him, because I can’t bear to touch
that disgusting creature. There’s no way you can find him, and if you tell anyone on the team, especially
Stevie, I will tell everyone about the multiple jerseys, the cologne scented towel (which by the way I left
because that’s disturbing, and Dan told me how attached that thing was to that towel. Now he’ll be
without it and the precious smell of his dad), and I will go to the papers about your relationship with Sergio.
If you want him back, you’re going to have to pay me fifty million pounds. You think I’m joking? You
have until the transfer window ends, if I don’t get the money by then, I’m telling everyone your secrets.
Carragher
Fernando sets down the note, his hands shaking. He has no idea what to do. He doesn’t doubt Carragher will go to the media, the way he’s been treating Fernando these last couple of months, with absolute disgust and hatred, leave little doubt. Carragher would take absolute joy in destroying him, destroying his life, destroying Sergio’s life. He has to get Horsey back, Horsey who is probably all alone, and scared, and……hopefully still alive. The question is, how is he going to get the money to pay him? Who has fifty million pounds lying around?