A Story of a Man & his turtle (Chapter 2)
Title: A story of a man and his turtle (2/?)
Rating: PG
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Sergio Ramos (Steven Gerrard, Daniel Agger, and Jamie Carragher make appearances throughout)
Warning: none..it is crack!fic so expect ridiculousness
Disclaimer: so completely false, I have no idea if Fernando has pet turtles. That being said this is a crack fic. It is completely ridiculous, and is in no way meant to be taken seriously
Summary: Everyone wants to know the real reason Fernando left Liverpool for Chelsea, well the answer, surprisingly, is......for a turtle
muchos gracias to kissmecait17 for looking this over, and for not telling me it was too ridiculous, even though it is ;-P Again, thanks to kyliah for goading me into writing this. It's not my best stuff, but I'm really enjoying writing it.
That being said, comments are very much appreciated. All of your comments to the first chapter were most unexpected, because I had no idea how this would be received. I hope you enjoy as much as the first chapter
chapter 1
“Fernando could you slow down please, I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now tell me again, Horsey is gone…something about kidnapping, and a lot of money.”
Fernando takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He knows this isn’t making any sense to Sergio. After reading Carragher’s note, he immediately called Sergio-the sound of Sergio’s voice was enough to send him into hysterics again. He knew Sergio would be furious (not at him), he didn’t want him to be angry though, he wanted him to help him come up with fifty million pounds.
“Ok Fer, let’s try this again? Why don’t you start at the beginning ok?”
He tells him about finding the note, after searching the whole house, and then he reads the note word for word to Sergio, trying to keep his voice as level as possible.
Sergio is silent for a while, so long that Fernando worries that he’s hung up.
“Sergio?”
“That fucking bastard, I’m going to fly up to Liverpool and beat the shit out of him until he tells me where he’s hiding our turtle.”
“Sergio you can’t do that, you know that. You’ll get in so much trouble, you’ll be fined, or possibly charged with assault. Not to mention that he’ll tell everyone about……..”
“Us.” Sergio finishes for him.
“Yes, and he can’t do that. It’d destroy us both of us, and they’d be taking pictures of us, of Horsey, asking questions. I don’t want to be in the spotlight like that…..I don’t want Horsey to be in the spotlight.”
“Would it really be that bad if everyone found out? I mean obviously all the people that you care about know, Stevie, Olalla and Nora, and your family. My family knows, I mean Christ, the entire national team knows. If it was out in the open, we could see each other more often, and have fewer depressing Skype sessions with you and Horsey, and that depressing country song that you always play.” Sergio pouts. “And you always refuse to have Skype sex with me. If we saw each other more often, we could be having real sex instead.”
“Sergio, I couldn’t do that, not with Horsey in the room, and that is a good song, it reminds me of you, I thought you’d appreciate the romantic gesture.”
“You know I don’t think Horsey would’ve minded going back into his tank, if you were so worried about exposing him to your sex life. As for that song, I don’t want you calling me when you’re drunk and needing me, talking about picture perfect memories, and whiskey doesn’t agree with you. The last time you drank it, you threw up on my favorite Gucci green jeans. Besides whenever you do call me……drunk you never want to actually do anything.”
“Oh yeah, that was a tragedy. You’re one to talk about my taste in music, since you listen to David Bisbal. Anyways, you know it’s not that easy Sese. Olalla and I haven’t gone public with the separation. I have to think about her, about my kids. We have to do it our own way, not because Jamie Carragher forces us to make it public.”
“I’m still going to kill that bastard.”
“No you aren’t, you are going help me figure out how I’m going to find fifty million pounds, so that we can get Horsey back. God knows what Jamie is doing with him……he left Horsey’s little towel here too, you know how he loves that towel.”
“Yes……I do. So what do we do Fer? I don’t have that kind of money lying around, no one I know does, and you obviously don’t.”
“I know….”
“Do you want me to come up there, I promise, I’ll stay away from Carragher.”
“No, what could you do anyways?” Fernando slumps down on the couch, already feeling defeated.
“This is a fucking mess Sese, I don’t know where I’m going to find that kind of money……..all at once.”
“Fer…….?”
“Yeah……I’m still here.”
“Maybe I could get Iker to call Beckham up, that guy is drowning in money.”
“What?! What kind of idea is that Sergio? You know Iker would never do that. I don’t want him knowing about this. The fewer people know the better.”
“Hey it was just an idea…I’m trying to help, don’t snap at me. Besides, according to Iker Beckham has a pet iguana named after him.”
“What? Well I’ll bet Victoria loves that. Some people are so strange.And I’m sorry Sese, God I do wish you could be here, I’m going crazy……I need you.”
Sergio sighs. “Please don’t say things like that Fer, you know I’d be there in a heartbeat, but you already said not to come, and you’re right, it isn’t a good idea.”
Just then Fernando’s cell phone beeps, it’s a message from his agent, telling him to call him as soon as possible. He’s not really in the mood to talk to him, but he knows he’ll hear about it, if he doesn’t call him back soon.
“Hey Sese, I’ve got to go, my agent just called, and you know how he gets…..”
“Yeah I do. Fer…….it’ll be alright ok? We’ll get Horsey back somehow.”
Fernando smiles weakly, even though he knows Sergio can’t see it. “Yeah, we’ll figure it out. Love you.”
“Love you too freckles.”
“Ughh will you stop that, I am not the Kate to your Sawyer.”
Sergio laughs. “Goodbye Fer.”
"Goodbye Sese."
Fernando gets off the phone with his agent, his mind spinning. Chelsea, more specifically Roman Abramovich, were making him an offer, the week before the transfer deadline closed. It was almost too good to be true, accept; well it was too good to be true. It could potentially be career suicide. Chelsea had expressed interest in him before, but he’d refused then, his commitment to Liverpool had still been strong, he wanted to stick it out, do what he could to help the team back on its’ feet. Now, however, things were much different. While Liverpool had gotten a boost with the firing of Roy Hodgson, Fernando still felt ill at ease. He still wasn’t contributing like he wanted to, and the team still needed major work. He liked and respected Kenny Daglish, but the failure of the owners to make any major purchases in the transfer window troubled him. Chelsea’s offer appealed to him, but this late in the transfer window? He’d be fucking crucified, the “LeBron James” of the English Premiere League. Abramovich had money though, a lot of money, he wondered……no, no way. Was it possible, if he agreed to transfer to Chelsea, would he pay Carragher’s ransom? It’s a crazy idea, but he hears Abramovich is crazy, so it just might work. He calls his agent back, feeling absolutely ridiculous as he does, but it’s all for the sake of Horsey, for Sergio, for Olalla and Nora and Leo. His agent, Ethan, doesn’t say anything, used to Fernando’s peculiarities, but Fernando can tell he is hiding a smile. He expresses the absolute seriousness of the situation, Ethan is aware of his relationship with Sergio, and his impending divorce. He knows Ethan will reveal none of this to Chelsea when he talks to them, but he just wants to make sure that he knows, and he makes it perfectly clear that he will not agree to any deal that doesn’t ensure the safe return of Horsey.
As he’s hanging up with Ethan, his eyes settle on a picture-it’s of, Sergio, Horsey, and himself. They had the photo professionally done-Cesc had recommended a guy. They are lying on their bed, on either side of Horsey. It’s a close up shot, each of their smiling faces on either side of Horsey, their pet. It was taken not too long after they’d brought Horsey home from the pet store. Sergio had an identical picture at his house in Madrid, except he’d had it blown up and hung in the living room. He was sure everyone secretly made fun of Sergio…….and him, for it, but who the hell cared, they probably made fun of Cesc for his life size portrait that he had of him and Cloe. He misses Horsey. He misses Sergio.
He wonders…..hopes Horsey is ok, that at least someone is feeding him, he doesn’t really trust Carragher to do that……..which means. Oh shit, now he remembers the note, “I had someone else take him”, which means that he had an accomplice. He remembers Jamie mentioning Dan in the note. He can’t believe Dan would do that. He got on pretty well with Dan, and he was always asking about Horsey, always wanted to come over and see him. He sighs. Well at least if Dan was working with Jamie, he knew that Horsey would be properly cared for. All of a sudden his phone rings, it’s not a phone number he recognizes, but something tells him he should answer it.
“Hello?”
“This is Fernando Torres, yes?”
“Yes, may I ask who is calling?” Although he has a pretty good idea of who it is-the Russian accent sort of gives it away.
“Yes, this is Roman Abramovich. I hear you have a problem……..with your turtle.”
“What?? ……Well yes I do. He was kidnapped, one my team mates…….he doesn’t really like turtles, or me apparently.”
“That is most unfortunate. Let me be blunt. Your agent has made your request known to us, and we are willing to pay this……..player his fifty million. Or I could just have someone take care of him.”
“No no no, that won’t be necessary. I think if he gets the money, I hope, everything will be okay. I want to make it clear though, I don’t want anyone to know about this. I want it to look like you offered me…..and the club, so much money, that they couldn’t say no. I want it look like a last minute transfer deal, I don’t want anyone knowing about the turtle, or about my team mate.”
“Yes, that can be done Mr. Torres. No one will think twice about me throwing my money around just to get you. Everyone thinks I’m a ruthless bastard, but as you can see I am a perfectly reasonable man.”
“Yes sir.”
“Now if you will excuse me I have start making arrangements for this “transfer”. I look forward to seeing you play at Chelsea Fernando Torres.”
“Yes, thank you, goodbye Mr. Abramovich.”
He can’t believe it, he’s going to Chelsea, he’s moving to London, and he’s getting Horsey back, but Christ, the next few days are going to be a fucking nightmare. He picks up his phone again; he has a lot of people to call. He knows they aren’t going to be pleased, but he hopes, at least, that they will understand.
*Author Notes: The country song that Sergio can't stand is Lady Antebellum's 'Need you Now'.
Meet Horsey, the cutest turtle that ever lived (in fan fiction):
Let me know if you don't get the "Kate to my Sawyer" reference, I will enlighten you :-)
Rating: PG
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Sergio Ramos (Steven Gerrard, Daniel Agger, and Jamie Carragher make appearances throughout)
Warning: none..it is crack!fic so expect ridiculousness
Disclaimer: so completely false, I have no idea if Fernando has pet turtles. That being said this is a crack fic. It is completely ridiculous, and is in no way meant to be taken seriously
Summary: Everyone wants to know the real reason Fernando left Liverpool for Chelsea, well the answer, surprisingly, is......for a turtle
muchos gracias to kissmecait17 for looking this over, and for not telling me it was too ridiculous, even though it is ;-P Again, thanks to kyliah for goading me into writing this. It's not my best stuff, but I'm really enjoying writing it.
That being said, comments are very much appreciated. All of your comments to the first chapter were most unexpected, because I had no idea how this would be received. I hope you enjoy as much as the first chapter
chapter 1
“Fernando could you slow down please, I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now tell me again, Horsey is gone…something about kidnapping, and a lot of money.”
Fernando takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He knows this isn’t making any sense to Sergio. After reading Carragher’s note, he immediately called Sergio-the sound of Sergio’s voice was enough to send him into hysterics again. He knew Sergio would be furious (not at him), he didn’t want him to be angry though, he wanted him to help him come up with fifty million pounds.
“Ok Fer, let’s try this again? Why don’t you start at the beginning ok?”
He tells him about finding the note, after searching the whole house, and then he reads the note word for word to Sergio, trying to keep his voice as level as possible.
Sergio is silent for a while, so long that Fernando worries that he’s hung up.
“Sergio?”
“That fucking bastard, I’m going to fly up to Liverpool and beat the shit out of him until he tells me where he’s hiding our turtle.”
“Sergio you can’t do that, you know that. You’ll get in so much trouble, you’ll be fined, or possibly charged with assault. Not to mention that he’ll tell everyone about……..”
“Us.” Sergio finishes for him.
“Yes, and he can’t do that. It’d destroy us both of us, and they’d be taking pictures of us, of Horsey, asking questions. I don’t want to be in the spotlight like that…..I don’t want Horsey to be in the spotlight.”
“Would it really be that bad if everyone found out? I mean obviously all the people that you care about know, Stevie, Olalla and Nora, and your family. My family knows, I mean Christ, the entire national team knows. If it was out in the open, we could see each other more often, and have fewer depressing Skype sessions with you and Horsey, and that depressing country song that you always play.” Sergio pouts. “And you always refuse to have Skype sex with me. If we saw each other more often, we could be having real sex instead.”
“Sergio, I couldn’t do that, not with Horsey in the room, and that is a good song, it reminds me of you, I thought you’d appreciate the romantic gesture.”
“You know I don’t think Horsey would’ve minded going back into his tank, if you were so worried about exposing him to your sex life. As for that song, I don’t want you calling me when you’re drunk and needing me, talking about picture perfect memories, and whiskey doesn’t agree with you. The last time you drank it, you threw up on my favorite Gucci green jeans. Besides whenever you do call me……drunk you never want to actually do anything.”
“Oh yeah, that was a tragedy. You’re one to talk about my taste in music, since you listen to David Bisbal. Anyways, you know it’s not that easy Sese. Olalla and I haven’t gone public with the separation. I have to think about her, about my kids. We have to do it our own way, not because Jamie Carragher forces us to make it public.”
“I’m still going to kill that bastard.”
“No you aren’t, you are going help me figure out how I’m going to find fifty million pounds, so that we can get Horsey back. God knows what Jamie is doing with him……he left Horsey’s little towel here too, you know how he loves that towel.”
“Yes……I do. So what do we do Fer? I don’t have that kind of money lying around, no one I know does, and you obviously don’t.”
“I know….”
“Do you want me to come up there, I promise, I’ll stay away from Carragher.”
“No, what could you do anyways?” Fernando slumps down on the couch, already feeling defeated.
“This is a fucking mess Sese, I don’t know where I’m going to find that kind of money……..all at once.”
“Fer…….?”
“Yeah……I’m still here.”
“Maybe I could get Iker to call Beckham up, that guy is drowning in money.”
“What?! What kind of idea is that Sergio? You know Iker would never do that. I don’t want him knowing about this. The fewer people know the better.”
“Hey it was just an idea…I’m trying to help, don’t snap at me. Besides, according to Iker Beckham has a pet iguana named after him.”
“What? Well I’ll bet Victoria loves that. Some people are so strange.And I’m sorry Sese, God I do wish you could be here, I’m going crazy……I need you.”
Sergio sighs. “Please don’t say things like that Fer, you know I’d be there in a heartbeat, but you already said not to come, and you’re right, it isn’t a good idea.”
Just then Fernando’s cell phone beeps, it’s a message from his agent, telling him to call him as soon as possible. He’s not really in the mood to talk to him, but he knows he’ll hear about it, if he doesn’t call him back soon.
“Hey Sese, I’ve got to go, my agent just called, and you know how he gets…..”
“Yeah I do. Fer…….it’ll be alright ok? We’ll get Horsey back somehow.”
Fernando smiles weakly, even though he knows Sergio can’t see it. “Yeah, we’ll figure it out. Love you.”
“Love you too freckles.”
“Ughh will you stop that, I am not the Kate to your Sawyer.”
Sergio laughs. “Goodbye Fer.”
"Goodbye Sese."
Fernando gets off the phone with his agent, his mind spinning. Chelsea, more specifically Roman Abramovich, were making him an offer, the week before the transfer deadline closed. It was almost too good to be true, accept; well it was too good to be true. It could potentially be career suicide. Chelsea had expressed interest in him before, but he’d refused then, his commitment to Liverpool had still been strong, he wanted to stick it out, do what he could to help the team back on its’ feet. Now, however, things were much different. While Liverpool had gotten a boost with the firing of Roy Hodgson, Fernando still felt ill at ease. He still wasn’t contributing like he wanted to, and the team still needed major work. He liked and respected Kenny Daglish, but the failure of the owners to make any major purchases in the transfer window troubled him. Chelsea’s offer appealed to him, but this late in the transfer window? He’d be fucking crucified, the “LeBron James” of the English Premiere League. Abramovich had money though, a lot of money, he wondered……no, no way. Was it possible, if he agreed to transfer to Chelsea, would he pay Carragher’s ransom? It’s a crazy idea, but he hears Abramovich is crazy, so it just might work. He calls his agent back, feeling absolutely ridiculous as he does, but it’s all for the sake of Horsey, for Sergio, for Olalla and Nora and Leo. His agent, Ethan, doesn’t say anything, used to Fernando’s peculiarities, but Fernando can tell he is hiding a smile. He expresses the absolute seriousness of the situation, Ethan is aware of his relationship with Sergio, and his impending divorce. He knows Ethan will reveal none of this to Chelsea when he talks to them, but he just wants to make sure that he knows, and he makes it perfectly clear that he will not agree to any deal that doesn’t ensure the safe return of Horsey.
As he’s hanging up with Ethan, his eyes settle on a picture-it’s of, Sergio, Horsey, and himself. They had the photo professionally done-Cesc had recommended a guy. They are lying on their bed, on either side of Horsey. It’s a close up shot, each of their smiling faces on either side of Horsey, their pet. It was taken not too long after they’d brought Horsey home from the pet store. Sergio had an identical picture at his house in Madrid, except he’d had it blown up and hung in the living room. He was sure everyone secretly made fun of Sergio…….and him, for it, but who the hell cared, they probably made fun of Cesc for his life size portrait that he had of him and Cloe. He misses Horsey. He misses Sergio.
He wonders…..hopes Horsey is ok, that at least someone is feeding him, he doesn’t really trust Carragher to do that……..which means. Oh shit, now he remembers the note, “I had someone else take him”, which means that he had an accomplice. He remembers Jamie mentioning Dan in the note. He can’t believe Dan would do that. He got on pretty well with Dan, and he was always asking about Horsey, always wanted to come over and see him. He sighs. Well at least if Dan was working with Jamie, he knew that Horsey would be properly cared for. All of a sudden his phone rings, it’s not a phone number he recognizes, but something tells him he should answer it.
“Hello?”
“This is Fernando Torres, yes?”
“Yes, may I ask who is calling?” Although he has a pretty good idea of who it is-the Russian accent sort of gives it away.
“Yes, this is Roman Abramovich. I hear you have a problem……..with your turtle.”
“What?? ……Well yes I do. He was kidnapped, one my team mates…….he doesn’t really like turtles, or me apparently.”
“That is most unfortunate. Let me be blunt. Your agent has made your request known to us, and we are willing to pay this……..player his fifty million. Or I could just have someone take care of him.”
“No no no, that won’t be necessary. I think if he gets the money, I hope, everything will be okay. I want to make it clear though, I don’t want anyone to know about this. I want it to look like you offered me…..and the club, so much money, that they couldn’t say no. I want it look like a last minute transfer deal, I don’t want anyone knowing about the turtle, or about my team mate.”
“Yes, that can be done Mr. Torres. No one will think twice about me throwing my money around just to get you. Everyone thinks I’m a ruthless bastard, but as you can see I am a perfectly reasonable man.”
“Yes sir.”
“Now if you will excuse me I have start making arrangements for this “transfer”. I look forward to seeing you play at Chelsea Fernando Torres.”
“Yes, thank you, goodbye Mr. Abramovich.”
He can’t believe it, he’s going to Chelsea, he’s moving to London, and he’s getting Horsey back, but Christ, the next few days are going to be a fucking nightmare. He picks up his phone again; he has a lot of people to call. He knows they aren’t going to be pleased, but he hopes, at least, that they will understand.
*Author Notes: The country song that Sergio can't stand is Lady Antebellum's 'Need you Now'.
Click to viewMeet Horsey, the cutest turtle that ever lived (in fan fiction):
Let me know if you don't get the "Kate to my Sawyer" reference, I will enlighten you :-)