The Story In Full - Incomplete
The Story In Full
Do not look at me
Using eyes of contempt
Without any attempt
To comprehend what you see
Do not wonder why
It makes so little sense
I jump to defense
When accused of a lie
Do not shake your head
Tell me, time to grow up At With your half empty cup
Because I've given up
On the path that you tread
Do not come to me
Accusations ( Read more... )
Comments 4
The truth is, it's not about anyone.
Really.
So I add this disclaimer-
"This is a very general poem about feeling like people think they know what's best for me, without bothering to ask for my opinion on the matter."
There.
Better?
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Overall, I liked the poem. The rhyming scheme you used is good, and gives a definate rhythm to the piece. The theme presented is clear, and I liked how each stanza gives a different side of the theme. In addition, the poem has a negative, almost hopeless, quality to it. This is in part due to the idea in the poem, but also starting each stanza with 'Do not...' reiterates a feeling of negativity. It's not overbearing at all, which can be a problem for some darker poems.
As for the bad, I'm not a big fan of using the same word for it's rhyme, as done in the 3rd stanza. I'm aware 'up' isn't an easy word to rhyme, so maybe a different word to end on? I do like the stanza, just not the same word rhyme.
I think that'll do me for now. I'll revisit it after others have a chance to speak. Keep writing!
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First off, I like the change you made to the third stanza. The new line continues to add to the piece, in both content and rhyming scheme.
The three new stanzas are good, and definitely continue the theme you started with. I especially enjoy the last stanza. With these newest stanzas, you paint the writer(as in the fictitious person expressing this poem) as a person of strength. Not that they seemed weak or meek at all before, but these stanzas seem to push a feeling of someone who won't back down. I like it.
My only problem with the new stanzas is the wording of the first new stanza. I like the idea it's portraying, but it seems to stumble a little. Nothing I can point out exactly, just the words seem not to flow as well as they should. It's not terrible by any means, but I feel it could be better.
Overall, I really like it. How much more do you think you'll add? I look forward to seeing it completed
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-grin-
I take all of it and measure it against what my own perceptions of the piece are, and a lot of times they reaffirm things i had been thinking myself and just wouldn't have bothered about, if no one had mentioned them, thinking I was being overly critical. (Which I am sometime prone to do.)
Thanks, again.
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