What makes it dating?
Something much on my mind lately: what is dating, exactly? When do you say you're dating someone?
Now that we have a few different words for fuckbuddy, it seems clear that having sex is not a sufficient condition. And at least for me sex is not a necessary condition either; I once had a significant relationship where I never had sex with my partner.
Emotional connection doesn't seem to be the answer either. I seem to be much better (or worse?) than most about developing "friendships" that have dating-level emotional intensity but not the other parts of dating. If I was dating everyone I have a real emotional attachment to... well, that'd be a bunch of people.
vvalkyri asked why I was even bothering with this question, and (if I understood her point correctly) why I didn't just let each relationship be what it is. The short answer is that I am happy to let each relationship be what it is, but I also feel that there is some qualitative difference between my "dating" and "non-dating" relationships, and I'd like to understand that difference. (See below the cut for more on labeling.)
For a while I considered that posession, feeling that my partner is "mine" or that I am "theirs", might be the key. For me this is very close to the truth, but not quite the truth.
In the end I came to a conclusion that surprised me a little. I decided that the key factor was commitment, in the sense of devoting time and energy to the relationship. If I'm dating someone I feel it's reasonable for each of us to demand a lot more of the other (and get it!) than "just friends" could. For me this commitment seems to naturally bring a feeling of posession, and I'm not sure that I can have that feeling without some level of commitment.
So now I wonder, how do other people feel about this? What has to be there before you say you're dating?
Labelling...
I use words to describe things, not to control them. If a thing changes and the word no longer describes it, I stop using that word. I'm also keenly aware that all words are approximations. I believe that language controls thought to some extent, but I reject the idea that the control is total - if it were we'd never invent new words for any objects or concepts.
I admit that I am very verbal. People have asked why I need to label things, or (as I'd put it) why I need words for things. Really my need is to understand things. Not just relationships, but anything important to me. Having a word is just convenient; it makes communication easier. "Jen is my girlfriend" is simpler than "Jen is a person I know", followed by a paragraph describing our relationship. The word "dating" is imprecise, but if someone needs to know the details I'll tell them - there's no shortcut for that. I don't let the word define our relationship; that'd be totally backwards. I use the word dating because it's an adequate shortcut to describe what our relationship is. When we were less serious I didn't use it because it wasn't accurate.
For me the key is actually to understand our relationship, to know what it is and be confident of that. I find it weird when people seize on the labelling aspect; my desire to understand is far greater than my desire to label.
[In retrospect vvalkyri's question might have been more like "Why do you care so much what each relationship is?" That's simply how I am. I like to understand things, especially things that are important to me. It takes a conscious effort, and sometimes a great one, for me to dwell in the mystery. Circumstances being what they are, though, I'm learning... and that's, well, I guess it's not the worst thing ever.]
Now that we have a few different words for fuckbuddy, it seems clear that having sex is not a sufficient condition. And at least for me sex is not a necessary condition either; I once had a significant relationship where I never had sex with my partner.
Emotional connection doesn't seem to be the answer either. I seem to be much better (or worse?) than most about developing "friendships" that have dating-level emotional intensity but not the other parts of dating. If I was dating everyone I have a real emotional attachment to... well, that'd be a bunch of people.
vvalkyri asked why I was even bothering with this question, and (if I understood her point correctly) why I didn't just let each relationship be what it is. The short answer is that I am happy to let each relationship be what it is, but I also feel that there is some qualitative difference between my "dating" and "non-dating" relationships, and I'd like to understand that difference. (See below the cut for more on labeling.)
For a while I considered that posession, feeling that my partner is "mine" or that I am "theirs", might be the key. For me this is very close to the truth, but not quite the truth.
In the end I came to a conclusion that surprised me a little. I decided that the key factor was commitment, in the sense of devoting time and energy to the relationship. If I'm dating someone I feel it's reasonable for each of us to demand a lot more of the other (and get it!) than "just friends" could. For me this commitment seems to naturally bring a feeling of posession, and I'm not sure that I can have that feeling without some level of commitment.
So now I wonder, how do other people feel about this? What has to be there before you say you're dating?
Labelling...
I use words to describe things, not to control them. If a thing changes and the word no longer describes it, I stop using that word. I'm also keenly aware that all words are approximations. I believe that language controls thought to some extent, but I reject the idea that the control is total - if it were we'd never invent new words for any objects or concepts.
I admit that I am very verbal. People have asked why I need to label things, or (as I'd put it) why I need words for things. Really my need is to understand things. Not just relationships, but anything important to me. Having a word is just convenient; it makes communication easier. "Jen is my girlfriend" is simpler than "Jen is a person I know", followed by a paragraph describing our relationship. The word "dating" is imprecise, but if someone needs to know the details I'll tell them - there's no shortcut for that. I don't let the word define our relationship; that'd be totally backwards. I use the word dating because it's an adequate shortcut to describe what our relationship is. When we were less serious I didn't use it because it wasn't accurate.
For me the key is actually to understand our relationship, to know what it is and be confident of that. I find it weird when people seize on the labelling aspect; my desire to understand is far greater than my desire to label.
[In retrospect vvalkyri's question might have been more like "Why do you care so much what each relationship is?" That's simply how I am. I like to understand things, especially things that are important to me. It takes a conscious effort, and sometimes a great one, for me to dwell in the mystery. Circumstances being what they are, though, I'm learning... and that's, well, I guess it's not the worst thing ever.]