Comments | nctrnl_wundrlnd: Failed

nctrnl_wundrlnd

Failed

Sep 22, 2004 20:27

well ever seince I had gottonn rid of my "things" i have felt better physicaly. But emotional I have been isolating. Yesterday Stephie called and said she needed help. You know Sara and I. We went to modesto to get her. On the way home Sara told me that I could only take one shower a day. I freaked out. I know this sound petty to you, but to me it ( Read more... )

Comments 5

well..... i_sell_society September 23 2004, 13:23:35 UTC

i can say this..... welcome to my world. but i guess it is just how each of us deals with things.... it is really something when you come to a realization. everything comes down on you like a load of bricks. everything seems to be going wrong.... the thing you can do it grit your teeth and say " FUCK YOU!, you are not going to get to me!" well for me that is what i do... an inner challenge comes up and i fight it till' it is dead...

Re: well..... nctrnl_wundrlnd September 23 2004, 17:34:17 UTC

Ivan long time nos see or speek. I am gland to hear from you! How have you been? Your advis is good, thanx. i am just sscared that I will say "FUCK YOU" and it will all just go inside. Till shit happend and there is is again. Well keep intouch. Luvs
Anthony

inviolance September 23 2004, 22:36:37 UTC

Anthony you have once again learned. The only thing you fail at is realizing it as only a lesson and the good in you should overcome your mistakes. I pray that this perspective of yours changes as you say life is and always will be everchanging...therefore I find it possible.

Hey nctrnl_wundrlnd September 24 2004, 13:13:32 UTC

Thanx for your words of wisdom. But you know how easy it is to give advis, but it is another to take it. I can say some profound thigs about live and how it goes. But in the end I can cot take it. Life is ever changing. But it feels easyer not to move foward, there for I wont have a past.

Re: Hey philomela_i September 24 2004, 20:46:08 UTC

You know well and good what you are trying to protect yourself from...being hurt, being let down, being left, or not being loved in return. And while the numbness, and you know I know this well...the starvation that leaves you (me) all of us that try it, with true nothingness...the purging that also does that, the shutting off and down and away from all...it works, Anthony, it makes you dead. and then kills you. We've both walked, even run down that road full out, just wanting not to be vulnerable. Tonight, the sadness, the fear, (the "desolation" that Jason called it with a breaking, helpless voice) tore through me like a blade. The memories, the fear of living each day fighting this fucking disease, and feeling the pain and loss that has been growing and overtook me tonight...no, I wanted to die. I wanted it over. And I am not going to say something great here about how I made a miraculous breakthrough...no, I just waited out the worst until I could make some calls. Kathleen. Nick. You. I am not going to offer any real ( ... )