Toward a Childfree Identity

[naamah_darling]

A friend, who has asked to remain anonymous for fear of leg-biting, poses a question about being childfree. It's a legitimate one that I have been asked before, but never seen answered. (And no, dear anonymous reader, I don't find the question offensive. I'm actually glad you asked.)

"I've been wondering why it's necessary to have the label.

Comments

[superlib]

What I've never understood is why so many people in the childfree community are so.. well.. ANGRY. Then again, I don't understand extremism in most cases. I have never been able to read the hardcore CF community without just feeling sad for people. Why so much hatred and anger? Are they really that miserable, that they have to spend their time foaming at the mouth about other people making the decision to have kids? Its possible that I may never have children myself, but could never call myself childfree because so many people who take on that label show nothing but criticism and derision towards those who choose to have children and their offspring, coining hateful terms

[vivian_shaw]

I have never been able to read the hardcore CF community without just feeling sad for people. Why so much hatred and anger? Are they really that miserable, that they have to spend their time foaming at the mouth about other people making the decision to have kids?

a) It's a rant community. People go there to rant.
b) It isn't other people's decision to have kids. It's other people's inability to comprehend, accept, or respect their decision not to.

[superlib]

a) I have the same feelings about other rant communities.
b) That isn't how most of the posts and comments I've read come across.

[naamah_darling]

The world is full of assholes. Some of them are childfree. That doesn't mean all childfree people are assholes, though.

Even I don't understand a lot of it. But the hostile, assholish, hateful part is not required to be a member of the club. I wish people were willing to take people like, say, ME, as an example of what most childfree folks are like, as opposed to judging us by the most obnoxious people among us.

I realize that the most extreme members of any group get the most press, but Jesus.

[illian]

"You'll change your mind someday, when you meet the right woman."

Years ago, I was talking about sexuality and dating and whatnot with a female comedian friend of mine (who had married her high school sweetheart and were still together 20 years later) when she patted me on the knee and used that line on me in a joking manner, obviously changing the gender. I eyed her thoughtfully, gently patted her knee and, smiling sweetly, said "Someday you will too."

She laughed so hard she nearly peed on herself. For the rest of the season her fellow comedians (they did live comedy with minimal scripting) would try and crack her by grabbing an audience woman and bellowing "RIGHT WOMAN?" at her.

But really, by that token, why do gays or bisexuals have to use a label? Can't they just fuck whoever, without making such a big deal about it? It's not like it changes anything.

(All y'all gay folks are laughing ruefully, aren't you? You've heard this one.)*Insert laughter of the appropriate hollow, hysterical, bitter, or scornful nature to a person

[naamah_darling]

*cracks up*

That was obviously the perfect retort.

*rofl*

Really, it's horrifying how much crap people take for being different. And if you let another group define yours, they always pick the absolute worst people they can find. If they can't find "worst people," they will make some up, or find some other bad people to lump in with you.

[pixxelpuss]

People who want to marry their dogs or toasters. That's the usual one.

[naamah_darling]

OH RIGHT.

And let's not forget that boyfuckers are cut from the same cloth as adult homosexual men. Good lord.

[siamesegoth2]

Once again , very well written.

I was talking to my Gran the other day, and we were discussing what life would be like sans kids. I asked her outright, if you had to do it again, would you? Right off the bat she said, " No, but in the 50's that was the pre programmed lifestyle of a woman, and i never fitted into that." She openly admits that had it been a choice , she'd never have had my father or my uncle.

She turned the question back on me, and i have thought about it. It sound cliché and rather stupid, i adore the Spawn, but if i had to do it again, i don't think i would have had him. Not just because it's hard work, but because i know there is a choice. There is too much wrong with me, that i inflict on his life everyday, and it hurts. I often wish someone had taken me aside and said hay ya know what you DON'T have to pop out kids.

When i realised this, things changed i decided never to have more kids, i have an IUD, thankfully an option open to me. I do not intend to have more ever

[ms_daisy_cutter]

I was talking to my Gran the other day, and we were discussing what life would be like sans kids. I asked her outright, if you had to do it again, would you? Right off the bat she said, "No, but in the 50's that was the pre programmed lifestyle of a woman, and i never fitted into that." She openly admits that had it been a choice, she'd never have had my father or my uncle.I had the same experience with my dad - I didn't ask him outright, but he said to me in some conversation or other, "If I were just starting out today, I'm not sure I'd have kids

[siamesegoth2]

I realise i'm bloody lucky to have a gran thats as open as she is. I took no offense in what she said at all, especially when i know what a waste of air my own father was. In fact i appreciate that level of honesty.

[twistedrecesses]

I'm pretty sure my father would have had children eventually, but he's made it incredibly clear that he believes he married far too young (he was 21). If he had to do it over, he'd have waited at least another decade. Makes him quite sympathetic to my inability to form healthy romantic relationships.

[gwendally]

You know why older women tut tut and dismiss your choice and say, "you'll want kids someday" or "when you meet the right man" or "you'll be lonely"? It's because it's quite often true. Not all the time true, not necessarily true for YOU, but true often enough that you're warned not to make absolute statements. Because you're sure going to feel silly when you're 38 and suddenly desire, with all your body and soul, to make the commitment to raising your own child. It happens often enough so that it's a cliche

[ms_daisy_cutter]

Older women knew this, having been around a bit longer.

Really? I can name at least a dozen women over 50 I am acquainted with from childfree fora.

Birth control methods fail. People calculate wrong. Babies result.

So do abortions.

And, personally, I *do* believe you're a woman just like me.

Because, according to your essentialist take, all us Womben are all alike. We're not really individuals with different preferences, different outlooks, different goals. Once those hormones kick in, we're just the breedin' beasts that gawd intended us to be.

Finally, I am, quite frankly, more than a bit offended by your implication that childfreedom is just a stage that one "grows" beyond. Not to mention this:

But your story reminds me mostly of Girl's School Lesbians.

Take your smug condescension and shove it up your ass.

[miz_anneliese]

I'll freely admit that I'm 100% childfree - not a maternal bone in my body. But I also admit that there's a weensy part of me that has had to do some soul searching to make sure that I'm not staying that way because I've stated it loud and clear (and loud and clear and ad nauseam) and don't want to go back on my word. There's still a part of me that worries one day I *will* change my mind, because I'm still growing and changing (hell, the divorce/move/career change has taught me that! Well, and the counseling :) ).
Ianno. I'm not supporting the people who get all up at me to say "OH I WAS JUST LIKE YOU BUT NOW I HAVE BABIEZ YOU WILL WANT THEM TOO!", but I had to face the idea that I may change.
It ain't lookin' likely, though. With or without the right man, the right situation, or the right "accident", which happily, has never happened.
I'm just rambling out my own $0.02, so don't mind me too much :)

[ms_daisy_cutter]

Soul-searching is good. And, yes, there are women who declared themselves CF but went on to have kids.

But it's not inevitable. Which is what the previous commenter was all but saying, despite all the lip service she gives to being "grateful" to CF folks and so forth.

What I find despicable that she chose to respond to Naamah's incredibly thoughtful, well-reasoned, and magnanimous-toward-parents post with, as I said, smugness and condescension.

I'm waiting for her to condescend to me now about how I'll change my mind, when I grow old and wise like her. Notwithstanding that she has, oh, a whole three years on me.

[jenbooks]

Beautifully said.