Toward a Childfree Identity

[naamah_darling]

A friend, who has asked to remain anonymous for fear of leg-biting, poses a question about being childfree. It's a legitimate one that I have been asked before, but never seen answered. (And no, dear anonymous reader, I don't find the question offensive. I'm actually glad you asked.)

"I've been wondering why it's necessary to have the label.

Comments

[gwendally]

You know why older women tut tut and dismiss your choice and say, "you'll want kids someday" or "when you meet the right man" or "you'll be lonely"? It's because it's quite often true. Not all the time true, not necessarily true for YOU, but true often enough that you're warned not to make absolute statements. Because you're sure going to feel silly when you're 38 and suddenly desire, with all your body and soul, to make the commitment to raising your own child. It happens often enough so that it's a cliche

[ms_daisy_cutter]

Older women knew this, having been around a bit longer.

Really? I can name at least a dozen women over 50 I am acquainted with from childfree fora.

Birth control methods fail. People calculate wrong. Babies result.

So do abortions.

And, personally, I *do* believe you're a woman just like me.

Because, according to your essentialist take, all us Womben are all alike. We're not really individuals with different preferences, different outlooks, different goals. Once those hormones kick in, we're just the breedin' beasts that gawd intended us to be.

Finally, I am, quite frankly, more than a bit offended by your implication that childfreedom is just a stage that one "grows" beyond. Not to mention this:

But your story reminds me mostly of Girl's School Lesbians.

Take your smug condescension and shove it up your ass.

[miz_anneliese]

I'll freely admit that I'm 100% childfree - not a maternal bone in my body. But I also admit that there's a weensy part of me that has had to do some soul searching to make sure that I'm not staying that way because I've stated it loud and clear (and loud and clear and ad nauseam) and don't want to go back on my word. There's still a part of me that worries one day I *will* change my mind, because I'm still growing and changing (hell, the divorce/move/career change has taught me that! Well, and the counseling :) ).
Ianno. I'm not supporting the people who get all up at me to say "OH I WAS JUST LIKE YOU BUT NOW I HAVE BABIEZ YOU WILL WANT THEM TOO!", but I had to face the idea that I may change.
It ain't lookin' likely, though. With or without the right man, the right situation, or the right "accident", which happily, has never happened.
I'm just rambling out my own $0.02, so don't mind me too much :)

[ms_daisy_cutter]

Soul-searching is good. And, yes, there are women who declared themselves CF but went on to have kids.

But it's not inevitable. Which is what the previous commenter was all but saying, despite all the lip service she gives to being "grateful" to CF folks and so forth.

What I find despicable that she chose to respond to Naamah's incredibly thoughtful, well-reasoned, and magnanimous-toward-parents post with, as I said, smugness and condescension.

I'm waiting for her to condescend to me now about how I'll change my mind, when I grow old and wise like her. Notwithstanding that she has, oh, a whole three years on me.

[naamah_darling]

What I find despicable that she chose to respond to Naamah's incredibly thoughtful, well-reasoned, and magnanimous-toward-parents post with, as I said, smugness and condescension.

I read it as unintentionally condescending, but not smug. Not really. So I cut my response by half for snark. It was just someone sort of . . . I don't know . . . missing the fact that no matter what a person does or does not do in the future, saying you know them better than they know themselves is the action of a complete asshole.

I agree that people are too quick to say "never," and I know tons of folks do change their minds. I also know that I'm not among them, and I get pissy when people use the actions of others to judge me.

Being right in a lot of situations does not give you the right to be a prick about it in every situation. Savvy?

[gwendally]

But it's not inevitable. Which is what the previous commenter was all but saying,

I did NOT say it was inevitable for each individual, just that it's common enough that people will change (because people DO change) that I want to counsel people not to absolutely label themselves into an uncomfortable place.

Labels are useful, and I agree that Childfree is a useful label and concept in general. But labels have a sharp edge you need to watch out for.

Perhaps you hear it as condescension. Well, OBVIOUSLY you hear it as condescension. It's not, though, because I'm not saying anything that everyone else doesn't know: PEOPLE CHANGE. Yes, even basic things like values and who you love. In fact, the thing that changes MOST is how you feel. Biology, on the other hand, changes probably the least.

[ms_daisy_cutter]

Well, OBVIOUSLY you hear it as condescension.

"Well, OBVIOUSLY if you were offended by what I had to say, it's your issue, and I'll take no responsibility for it."

Keep digging that hole, honey.

[gwendally]

Look, I freely admit I'm an asshole. But you heard things in my post that I didn't say.

[pixxelpuss]

Maybe it's just that you suggested that lesbianism is a developmental step towards bisexuality and that offends me on a fundamental level, but did it occur to you at all that giving totally unsolicited advice based in your experience as though revealing divine truth is ITSELF condescending?

[ms_daisy_cutter]

Yes, I saw all the disclaimers she threw in there. It doesn't change the fact that her post was amazingly patronizing in tone.

[threegoldfish]

Kinda felt like "I'm not racist but...", you know?

[ms_daisy_cutter]

I want to say MUTHAFUCKIN' WORD but I'm too busy cackling at your icon. I don't get the reference (if there is one) but it doesn't matter, it's still gigglesnortsome.

[threegoldfish]

It's a fandom_wank icon that I can't remember the cause of any more. But yes, it's totally fabulous.

[jenbooks]

Finally, I am, quite frankly, more than a bit offended by your implication that childfreedom is just a stage that one "grows" beyond.

Thanks for articulating what annoyed me!

/40 here, still doesn't want kids. Maybe I'll, um, grow out of it.

[gwendally]

Really? I can name at least a dozen women over 50 I am acquainted with from childfree fora

I'm impressed by your use of the plural of forum. :-)

Can I point out that the women who are participating in the fora are the ones who have NOT changed their minds? Sort of a self-selected bunch, wouldn't you say?

But I didn't say that older women knew you'd change your mind about being Childfree, per se, just that you were going to Change in general. Feelings are a continuum, not a steady state.

Because, according to your essentialist take, all us Womben are all alike. We're not really individuals with different preferences, different outlooks, different goals. Once those hormones kick in, we're just the breedin' beasts that gawd intended us to be.Of course people have different outlooks, different goals and different preferences. I'm not sure how you read this absolutist ideas into my plea for less absolutism