Toward a Childfree Identity

[naamah_darling]

A friend, who has asked to remain anonymous for fear of leg-biting, poses a question about being childfree. It's a legitimate one that I have been asked before, but never seen answered. (And no, dear anonymous reader, I don't find the question offensive. I'm actually glad you asked.)

"I've been wondering why it's necessary to have the label.

Comments

[copperwise]

You are a goddess. Thanks for summing up all of it, everything I've tried to explain over the years.

[naamah_darling]

You're most welcome. This stuff has got to be said, you know? Because too many people just . . . don't understand it.

[omni_videns]

Well put!

[vivian_shaw]

THANK YOU.

Thank you so, so very much. You have done here what Dawkins has done for atheism, i.e. explain it clearly, logically, understandably and way better than I ever could.

[pixxelpuss]

The God Delusion worked- I used to identify as agnostic, and now identify strongly as atheist.

It must be nice to be so persuasive.

[vivian_shaw]

It was extraordinary: I have never come across a book that reads exactly as if I had been dictating it before.

[bailey21975]

Beautifully written

[naamah_darling]

You make a really good point: another reason to have a label, a name, an identity, is so that people know there is a choice.

I'm not, like, going to encourage people not to have kids, but I think everyone should make that decision with the understanding that it is not something you must do.

I, too, have known folks who had children before they were really aware that another choice existed. And you know, for generations previous, it really was NOT an option for a lot of people. Accidents DID happen, and there often was no way to prevent or fix that. For so many reasons, it's still out of reach to a lot of people.

I strongly suspect that if my parents had been raised with the understanding that you don't gotta do the kid thing, I wouldn't be here. And I know it will sound bizarre to say this, because it's a bit like wishing I'd never been born, but I'm very sorry they weren't able to make that choice with more freedom.

[bailey21975]

I understand. I wish we were childfree, but I wouldn't trade my children for the freedom, so *sigh* I just don't know.

I was very much an on-purpose child. My mother was 16, and in NO position to parent a child, but she made the choice freely. My pro-childfree stance doesn't put me in the position yours puts you in, but I do understand your position. They should have had the choice, and I'm making damn sure my kids understand that they DO have that choice.

[naamah_darling]

Yes.

In art, sometimes you make a bad choice or make a mistake, and it's just that . . . bad.

But a lot of the time you discover that what you thought was a mistake is really just . . . something different. And so you go in the direction that leads you, and it's beautiful, and you wind up with a damn snappy piece of art that it's just not possible to be sorry you made.

It's even possible to do this after the fact; to do a thing, look back on it when it's too late to change, and say to yourself "I love this, I have never produced anything this amazing before, and I don't want to change this, but if I had done this one thing differently, then. . . ."

Even if you question what you might have had, you can't be sorry you've got the painting or sculpture or symphony or whatever that you do have

[ladymairwen]

You are, hands-down, one of the most eloquent women I have ever 'met'.

Now, I have kids. I love my kids. I like kids in general, but far from all of them. And while I might think you were nuts if you didn't adore my children (cuz they're wonderful), not wanting to have your own does not make me question your sanity. They're not for everyone.

I liked what you said about labels and naming yourself rather than letting other people do it for you. Much applause, this was beautifully put.