It's so nice to see someone take an honest approach to their grief. Too many times I've seen people make things up and glorify their grief in an effort to somehow spice up their life.
But this post, it was refreshingly honest and directly to the core. Thank you for this.
Everyone's relationships are different, and everyone's reactions to a death are different. And there seems to be some belief in our society that once a person has died, one should only remember the good things. But unless the lost one was a truly exceptional person, that's ignoring a lot of who that person was. And I don't think you can truly come to grips with their death if you ignore a big part of them and your relationship with them, good and bad.
I think I understand where you are coming from; my mother and I went through a period of a very adversarial relationship. Happily, we were able to work through this before she died, but it's still a big part of my memories.
Hugs to you and I hope these holidays aren't too hard on you.
God, yes. I just replied to Pixxel about this very thing here, and I agree with you 100%. Please, let's remember the negative things! Not to revile the dead, but simply to say "Here is this person as I knew her, whole and complete."
With my mother, to say that she was all good is to say that she was less than whole. She was what she was. We don't pretend lions are vegetarians, we don't insist that horses can fly, and we don't expect an apple tree to throw blackberries.
I'm glad you were able to work through the adversity before your mom went. My mom and I came to a kind of pax. I don't think we could've been pals, but at least we weren't trying to bite each other's noses off, and we were occasionally quite helpful to each other.
That's kind of where my mother and I ended up. I loved my mother, I *still* miss her (four years now), but yeah, if she hadn't been my mother, I wouldn't have spent time with her. I didn't like her bigotry, her passive-agressive bullshit. We managed to figure out what to avoid doing in front of each other, so we could enjoy the parts of each other we liked. I honestly don't know if I could have brought myself to take care of her while she was dying if we hadn't made it to that place. Oh, I know, I'd have done it, but it would have been a lot harder to do. I was able to do it out of love, rather than duty.
This is beautifully written. I'm crying a little as I write this. Thank you for writing it. I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that I don't have anything more meaningful or original to say. But I hope when I'm gone that people have the courage and strength to remember me as I was and not to resort to the acceptable cliches of grieving that sound wonderful and describe nobody accurately. I think that's better.
I don't want to buy into the cultural myth of good mothers and bad mothers, I'd rather be the human being I am, and be remembered as the human being I was. It means more.
I love my mother more as a human than I ever did as my mother. And trying to plaster over rough edges . . . well, a little of that is important, and it's expected. It's easier to forgive the dead for their little trespasses. But wholesale revision of the truth to exclude anything difficult or negative is a disservice to everyone.
When I love someone, I damn well love all the crappy things about them, too. And I don't have to pretend they weren't there to be sorry they aren't here anymore.
I honestly hope someone raises a toast to my obnoxiousness once I'm gone. "Nobody," they should say "could be a furtive, lying, avoidant, bull-headed, foulmouthed, fraidy-cat, did I mention lying?, vain, boastful, pompous, aggravating pain-in-the-ass-bitch like Naamah."
I don't cultivate those things ('cept the swearing), but they're a part of me. If we're unique in our good qualities, shouldn't our unique negative ones be nodded to as well?
I didn't do it consciously. It was only after I finished it that I stepped back, looked at it, and realized what I'd done.
I probably wouldn't have done it consciously, I try very hard not to duplicate designs very often, so I guess I deliberately "spaced" it so my subconscious could have its way. That's way more powerful to me than anything I could've chosen. I'm very glad your mother has it.
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But this post, it was refreshingly honest and directly to the core. Thank you for this.
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I think I understand where you are coming from; my mother and I went through a period of a very adversarial relationship. Happily, we were able to work through this before she died, but it's still a big part of my memories.
Hugs to you and I hope these holidays aren't too hard on you.
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With my mother, to say that she was all good is to say that she was less than whole. She was what she was. We don't pretend lions are vegetarians, we don't insist that horses can fly, and we don't expect an apple tree to throw blackberries.
I'm glad you were able to work through the adversity before your mom went. My mom and I came to a kind of pax. I don't think we could've been pals, but at least we weren't trying to bite each other's noses off, and we were occasionally quite helpful to each other.
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I don't want to buy into the cultural myth of good mothers and bad mothers, I'd rather be the human being I am, and be remembered as the human being I was. It means more.
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I love my mother more as a human than I ever did as my mother. And trying to plaster over rough edges . . . well, a little of that is important, and it's expected. It's easier to forgive the dead for their little trespasses. But wholesale revision of the truth to exclude anything difficult or negative is a disservice to everyone.
When I love someone, I damn well love all the crappy things about them, too. And I don't have to pretend they weren't there to be sorry they aren't here anymore.
I honestly hope someone raises a toast to my obnoxiousness once I'm gone. "Nobody," they should say "could be a furtive, lying, avoidant, bull-headed, foulmouthed, fraidy-cat, did I mention lying?, vain, boastful, pompous, aggravating pain-in-the-ass-bitch like Naamah."
I don't cultivate those things ('cept the swearing), but they're a part of me. If we're unique in our good qualities, shouldn't our unique negative ones be nodded to as well?
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I am humbled beyond words when I see the knotwork pattern on the top of your mother's box and the same pattern on the sides of my own mother's box.
There's symbolism there and I don't know if it's intentional or not but it's a very powerful feeling.
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I probably wouldn't have done it consciously, I try very hard not to duplicate designs very often, so I guess I deliberately "spaced" it so my subconscious could have its way. That's way more powerful to me than anything I could've chosen. I'm very glad your mother has it.
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