today, during my visit to las cruces, i was sitting at kamy's center waiting for jen to visit. espy was there and asked about the bracelets i was making. (or maybe i just offered the info. not sure which.) i told her about how they are for a care package for women who go to the hospital for a d&c after a miscarriage and leave empty-handed. how the ( Read more... )

i had another dream of you the other night. someone was showing me a hospital bracelet, and i didn't care because i thought it was just mine as a baby. then i looked at it, and it had faded writing with your name and a 27 written in big blue letters. then they showed me pictures of you. there you were, again, photographed in your true birthday suit ( Read more... )

my desires are changing again. i can feel it. the other day i cried as i wondered, for the umpteenth time, if i actually want to be pregnant with another baby or if i still just want you ( Read more... )

exodus 8:26-27 ~ But Moses said, "That would not be right. The sacrifices we offer the Lord our God would be detestable to the Egyptians. And if we offer sacrifices that are detestable in their eyes, will they not stone us? We must take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord our God, as he commands us ( Read more... )

I dreamed of you again, my love. Maybe it's because your dad came by today.

I had just given birth to you. You had alreadeft this world, but I was not sad. I was sitting up and holding you against me, your small head in my hand. I saw your dark hair. Your face was peaceful. I looked down at you and could see your little bottom and your legs, ( Read more... )

there were two pictures of your body. one front and one back. it was like someone was holding you up. i saw your torso, little ribs and belly. but the ribs are what i remember the most. then your back; shoulder blades and little tush. i remember exclaiming, "oh, i *do* have pictures of his body!"

oh, how i wish.

here it is, Oliver. your first birthday. you were sorely missed today, having to go through this day without you. no party, no pictures, no cake or presents. just your dad and i visiting with your grandparents and some quiet "normal" time to ourselves ( Read more... )

you have been gone for 11 months, my sweet baby. this was the time last year when i couldn't believe that you would be here soon. less than a month till my due date, i knew that labor could start at any time. i was going through all of the notes at work, trying to keep up on all of my work just in case i wouldn't be back the next day. you were head ( Read more... )

this is by far the hardest "holiday" in your first year. there have been waves of crying for two days ( Read more... )

i just had a very long dream about you. you were gone, but i held you again, had you at "home". you were wrapped in your blanket. your skin was darker, almost brown. almost like the beginning stages of a mummy. i saw your face in detail; you were so beautiful. i held you. i took pictures of you. i held you next to a crib and thought, oh, i remember ( Read more... )