the jitters all morning, up until it was time to step into the water. the warmth of the water. four of us praying in a hand-held circle before Chuck got in the water. the sound as my head went under. the feeling of being suspended in warm water for a mere two seconds. the Spirit bubbling up inside of me as i spoke those words. hearing the applause ( Read more... )

i miss you. oh so very much.

thank you for the bluejay this morning.

we've bought your brick for the midwife center.

i think i'll go to the hospital memorial service alone.

i so wish you were here.

there was a small chihuahua. brown and tan. i was sitting and snuggled him in my arms, holding him like a baby. there were other people around, but i didn't pay any attention to them. suddenly, i was holding you. you were alive and maybe a few months old. wisps of golden blonde hair. the chihuahua was now in front of us, like someone was holding it ( Read more... )

you were gone. pale. a bit more wrinkly. your fingernails were even darker, and you looked a bit smaller because of the wrinkling. but you were in a basket, similar to the one Indra is in but smaller. and you were wrapped in your blanket ( Read more... )

if i concentrate, i can still feel your soft, wrinkly, feather-light hand in mine. i can feel the softness of your forehead against my lips. i can picture your face and feel the rush of love the moment i first saw you. you took my breath away ( Read more... )

i don't remember what night the dream was this week. maybe two nights ago ( Read more... )

another dream of you, though i couldn't see your face clearly. but you had a full head of brown hair underneath a hoodie ( Read more... )

some days i just simply hate living this life without you. i hate that you were taken away. i hate that others get to have their baby boys. i hate that i was dealt this hand. i hate the sadness, the lack of understanding from others, the struggle, the feeling of never belonging anywhere ( Read more... )

the feeling of those arms around me and his body pressed against me won't go away. nor do i really want them to. but the memory makes me feel like a giddy high-schooler again and then drops me down to missing him so damn much. his pullover sweater smelled of detergent. for once, i was hoping for a hint of cigarettes. he kissed me oh so gently on ( Read more... )

had coffee and pie with your dad tonight. i know that you love it when we're in the same room ( Read more... )