your dad
the feeling of those arms around me and his body pressed against me won't go away. nor do i really want them to. but the memory makes me feel like a giddy high-schooler again and then drops me down to missing him so damn much. his pullover sweater smelled of detergent. for once, i was hoping for a hint of cigarettes. he kissed me oh so gently on the head. as if if i were a fragile egg shell. or perhaps, as if he was. i could so easily just melt into him.
why can i never fall out of love with him completely? it always comes back. never failing. i wanted to see him again today. i want to see him tomorrow. i want to hug him again, kiss his cheek, hold his hand. i want to look into his eyes without feeling like i should look away.
i can't have you, my sweet boy. so should i at least be able to have your dad? you dad who loves me as much as i love him? i know that we have something to learn from this time apart but not really apart. but oh how i miss his tenderness.
his eyes are still a very dark blue. they stayed like that after you died. i think they'll be like that always now.
why can i never fall out of love with him completely? it always comes back. never failing. i wanted to see him again today. i want to see him tomorrow. i want to hug him again, kiss his cheek, hold his hand. i want to look into his eyes without feeling like i should look away.
i can't have you, my sweet boy. so should i at least be able to have your dad? you dad who loves me as much as i love him? i know that we have something to learn from this time apart but not really apart. but oh how i miss his tenderness.
his eyes are still a very dark blue. they stayed like that after you died. i think they'll be like that always now.