The Space Between Us- Chapter 10
CHAPTER 10: A Matter of Trust
Back to Chapter 9
Louis and Jesse sat at a corner table in the mess, out of the way, but Louis still felt everyone's eyes on him.
Collaborater. Ingrate. Traitor. Deserved what you got.
He looked down at his plate, clenching his fork in his hand.
"You okay?" Jesse asked.
Louis nodded. "Yeah." He looked up again. No one was looking at him. The pilots were laughing uproariously over some joke that HotDog was telling. A pair of knuckledraggers were arguing companionably about a pyramid game that had taken place years before. And the Marines were discussing guns. Life was going on. He focused back on Jesse. "Yeah," he repeated. "Sorry about that."
"It's all right." Jesse stirred the green glob in his bowl. He leaned his chin on his hand, looking around. Finally, the words burst out of him. "It really was Raptor 718 the other day, wasn't it?"
Louis's throat closed off completely, and he had to take a drink of water before he could answer. "It really was," he said.
"Has the Admiral said anything to you?"
Adama hasn't so much as looked me in the eyes this past week. "No."
"I just thought… when it really was, that maybe they…."
"Yeah," Louis said. "I thought so, too. I guess not."
"I guess not," Jesse echoed hollowly. "Could we ask the Admiral-"
"What would we ask him?" Louis asked bitterly. "He won't know anything more than what Boomer and Ellen told him."
"Then let's ask Boomer if she knows anything. What's the worst we can hear? That Felix and Sarah are dead?" Jesse's eyes flashed defiantly. "But if they're alive…"
Louis put down his spoon. "You're right," he told Jesse. "Let's go."
***
Louis was unable to walk by the causeway where it had happened without shaking and fleeing to the other side of the hall, and he avoided that part of the ship whenever he could. But that was expected. What he hadn't expected was the way his hands began to shake as they stood at the window of the Cylon brig, or the sudden, overwhelming need to vomit. The Marine guard managed to hand Louis a wastebasket just in time. He finished and wiped his mouth on his sleeve, resolving to get his uniform to the laundry just as soon as this was over with. Jesse watched him sympathetically.
"Are you all right?" he asked, yet again.
"No," Louis snapped. "Let's do this."
They approached the window.
Louis had never actually met Boomer. He'd heard of her, and Felix had once said that Boomer had been a really good sort, and he'd liked her very much before they'd found out she was a Cylon. She didn't look any different from any other Eight, to the point where Louis had to remind himself it wasn't Athena in there. She was sitting on the cot in the cell, staring into space.
"She's projecting," Jesse told Louis quietly. He rapped on the glass to get her attention.
"Can you see what she's seeing?"
Jesse shook his head. "Not unless she chooses to let me, and I doubt she will." He rapped again, and this time Boomer snapped out of her trance and turned to face them. Her eyes widened when she saw them, and she came over and picked up the phone. Although Louis wasn't the one holding the receiver, he could hear her voice, muffled but the words still discernable.
"What do you want?" she asked, but her voice wasn't at all accusing. Jesse regarded her evenly, but Louis could see that he wasn't quite breathing. Boomer pulled back as she took in his uniform. "I'm not talking."
"We're not here to interrogate you," Jesse said. "Only to ask a question. I'm Lieutenant Conoy, and this is Lieutenant Hoshi."
Her face lit with recognition, and Louis's heart speeded up into a strange, syncopated tempo. "I should have known you'd both be down here."
Jesse and Louis exchanged glances, and Louis felt a shock so warm and painful that it brought tears to his eyes. "They're alive?" Jesse asked.
Boomer nodded. "Felix and Sarah are both alive. So's Jim Brooks. Cavil's keeping them prisoner."
A tear coursed down Jesse's cheek. "Are they all right?"
"They are." Boomer put her hand up on the glass, and Jesse hesitated, then laid his own palm over it. Louis watched them with excited confusion, and Jesse gasped. He stood still for a long moment, and when Louis looked at Boomer, she had her eyes closed. Finally, Jesse dropped his hand.
"They're really alive," he said, his voice hoarse with tears he was refusing to shed. "Or they were, when you left."
"Sarah still is," Boomer confirmed, "no matter what. The baby-"
"Baby?" Jesse went stiff.
Boomer looked confused. "Well, yes. The baby. Didn't you know… you didn't, did you? Sarah's pregnant. She'd just had Cottle confirm it before she got on that Raptor."
Jesse's mouth dropped open.
Boomer smiled. "You look like a landed fish, Lieutenant," she said. "It's not very Colonial."
Louis nudged Jesse, and he at least shut his mouth. Boomer looked at Louis and pointed to the phone, indicating that she wanted to talk to him directly, rather than Louis simply overhearing from a very old technology that didn't allow for much privacy. He took the receiver. "You're not going to tell me Felix is pregnant," he said, attempting a joke and failing miserably. This place was still getting to him, but Felix was alive. It was like sunlight. "Please tell me that he still has the other leg."
"He does," Boomer said. "Although I wouldn't count on that for too long. Cavil's been trying to get information from him, and Felix doesn't have a fetus to protect him."
As quickly as the sunlight had come, it dimmed. Felix was alive, yes, but he was being tortured for information. Louis closed his eyes.
"He's holding up well," Boomer told him. "If you can believe it, he actually looks better than when Cavil first took him prisoner." Her face was sympathetic. "It's okay, Louis. I don't think Cavil's going to harm him quite yet."
"It's a stupid question…" Louis began.
Boomer smiled. "I knew who you were the minute I saw you," she answered. "And I knew your first name, didn't I?"
She did. A guilty feeling of relief began to wash over him, and for a moment he relaxed and looked away from her face. It was a mistake. Because when he looked carefully, he could see the blood where they'd shot Amy Sian, and the crack in the glass from when they'd shot the Six. Boomer was using the cot that Caprica Six had been lying on- the one he'd used was bare. He could see a bloodstain.
The world began spinning.
"Louis?" Jesse's voice was very far away.
"We've got to get out of here," Louis said. "We've got to go see the Admiral."
Jesse caught his arm. "Easy, Louis," he said. "We'll go see him. Thank you," he said in the phone to Boomer. "Thank you. This means more than you can ever know."
Boomer's lips were set. "I'm not so sure about that. Good luck."
***
Laura knew it was trouble as soon as the door opened and Lieutenant Hoshi and Lieutenant Conoy walked in together. Hoshi was sheet white, sweating , hands shaking, and a slightly sour odor clung to him. Conoy was resolute, his face set into hard lines. Laura felt for them both; human and Cylon, both grieving lovers. Because she knew what they were coming to say, and she knew Bill's answer before a word was said. She curled in the corner of Bill's sofa and tried to turn back to her book.
"They're alive," Hoshi said with no preamble whatsoever. "Felix and Sarah are alive, sir."
Laura kept her head down, but she could see Bill look up from his desk out of the corner of her eye. "May I ask how you know this for certain?"
"We went to see Boomer-" Conoy began.
"A Cylon who managed to put two bullets in my chest and then eventually went against her whole model line to side with Cavil. Boomer has no love for the Colonials, and she has no love for the Twos. Why would you possibly trust a word she says?"
"She brought back Ellen," Conoy pointed out. "And if Cavil had caught her doing that, he would have killed her."
Laura couldn't resist. "That is true, Bill."
Bill put his pen down and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Have a seat," he told both Hoshi and Conoy. They obeyed. "You're right that they're alive," he told them, "as best as we know. Ellen's confirmed that, independent of Boomer. However," he said, and he glanced at Laura as he said it, "just because Ellen's agreeing to it doesn't mean it's not a lie or a trap."
"But if it's not…" Hoshi began. "Sir, we can't leave them there. Not without a fight."
"We have to, Mr. Hoshi." Bill sat back. "Boomer claims that the precise coordinates of the Colony were something that Cavil kept from her. He wasn't willing to trust her that much. Both Ellen and Boomer also say that all of Cavil's baseships are there at the Colony. Multiple baseships, countless Raiders…"
"We could take a heavy raider," Hoshi said. "Just one. There's got to be a way that we could sneak in and get them out. We're talking three people. We've accomplished things that seem more impossible than that, sir."
"Lieutenant Hoshi," Laura said, laying her book in her lap. "What do you think the odds of success are for such a mission?"
Hoshi sighed. "A million to one, sir," he said, in a near-sarcastic, duty-bound voice.
"It would be a suicide mission," she emphasized.
Hoshi slumped in his chair, arms crossed, but looked Laura straight in the eye. "And what makes you think that I'm opposed to that?"
It hung in the room, heavy and angry, and for a moment Laura couldn't speak; she could only stare, all too aware that this was not a road she wanted to go down right now. Conoy was gawking at Hoshi, and even Bill raised his eyebrows. Laura tried to form an answer, but nothing was quite coming out.
"You might not be opposed to it, Mr. Hoshi," Bill cut in when it became apparent Laura wasn't going to say anything, "but I am. I seem to remember you asking me to put Lieutenant Conoy in the CIC because you couldn't run the CIC alone. I agreed, because you were right. If you die, or if both of you die, then the Galactica- and the Fleet- are in a rather precarious situation."
"The future of humanity does not hang on my shoulders," Hoshi snapped. "But apparently Felix's future does."
"How will your dying save Mr. Gaeta?"
"About as much as your dying in a Raptor would have saved her!" Hoshi snarled back, pointing at Laura.
"Be careful, Lieutenant. You're on very shaky ground," Bill said, his eyebrows meeting in the center of his forehead.
Hoshi's face twisted into a sneer. "Gods," he spat, "no wonder Felix lost so much faith in you. We argued about it all the time after the Demetrius mission, did you know that? I kept telling him that the only reason that you'd never bothered to investigate how he lost his leg was that everything was so busy, and once there was a moment you'd do it. And Felix said you wouldn't, because that meant you'd have to take his side over Starbuck, and you'd never do that."
"Kara has nothing to do with this, and you are out of line!" Bill rose to his feet, and Hoshi stood up to meet him.
"I am not! If Kara Thrace was over on that baseship, we'd be launching a full-scale assault to get her back! Or Lee Adama or Saul Tigh or Laura Roslin! But no. It's just Felix Gaeta, just an Eight, just Jim Brooks, and so you can't be FRAKKED to get off your DRUNKEN ASS long enough to let me go get him back!"
That awful silence raged through the room again, and this time, Bill's expression was not remotely sympathetic. "You want to leave this room, Lieutenant," Bill said. "And you want to do it now."
There was no contrition on Hoshi's face. He stormed out of the study. But at the hatch, he paused. "It was Sam Anders who shot Felix, by the way," he said. He stepped out, slamming the hatch behind him. Conoy winced.
"Do you have anything to add, Lieutenant?" Bill said, turning his gaze on Conoy.
Conoy lifted his chin and met the Admiral's gaze squarely. "Just, sir, that it's my wife and child on that Colony. If you do decide to launch a rescue mission, I'll put my name in now as a volunteer."
"If circumstances change, we'll let you know," Bill said. "We'll let you both know."
Conoy nodded, and then stood up and saluted. He left the study smartly, his uniform crisp and his boots shined, looking the picture of the Colonial soldier, and Laura could almost forget for a second that he was a Cylon. She looked at Bill, wrath still dark on his face.
The silence stretched, and Bill finally sank back into his chair.
"Let it go, Bill," she said as gently as possible.
Bill startled. "You agree with him."
"I didn't say that. I said let it go. You want to toss him in the brig, I can tell. But you can't. Like you said, you need him in CIC." Laura paused, shutting her eyes for a long moment. "Do you have him on a suicide watch?"
"He wasn't that subtle about it, was he?" Bill sighed.
"I suppose it's to be expected," she agreed. "But really…" She trailed off, remembering the look on his face the moment he'd walked in that door.
He gave her a small smile. "What are you thinking?"
Laura raised her eyebrows. "You're not going to like this one."
"Hit me with it."
"Let him go after Gaeta."
"No."
"You can't be that desperate for navigators. If we have to, I'll get the Quorum to declare a martial emergency and conscript the navigator from any civilian ship you want. But let him take a heavy raider and try."
"Laura… it's not going to work."
Laura chose her next words very carefully. "You saved me when it seemed impossible. You saved Kara. You tried to save Raptor 718 once before, and you saved the Pegasus. You saved every soul on that cursed, gods-forsaken rock we called New Caprica. They're your people… our people. It's not so much about Mr. Hoshi, Bill. It's about Gaeta and Sarah and Brooks. Maybe we can't rescue them. But they're our people. They deserve to have us try."
She meant it. Every word. Because that was what did differentiate Bill from someone like Cain, from all of the other leaders that could have handled this assignment that had been laid on his shoulders. He cared. Sometimes to the detriment of the Fleet, sometimes too much… but he always cared. That was what she couldn't let go. That was what she had to save and couldn't let die. That part of Bill that had always put his "kids" above himself, that had always been willing to die for them. Because without that, he wasn't Bill Adama.
But Bill sighed and sat back. "If I thought there was a chance in hell, Laura… I'd send someone. But there's not." And there was finality in his voice.
"We all have to die, Bill," she said softly. "Isn't It a kindness to let him choose how?"
It was a calculated statement, and Laura was relieved to see Bill shake his head. "We're not all going to die, Laura. It hasn't come to that."
"It has, Bill." She sat back. "You know, if I could choose my death, I wouldn't go out like I will, sick and weak and gasping. I think if I could choose I'd want-"
"Laura," Bill interrupted her. She could see the revulsion on his face.
"I'd want something strong," she overrode him. "I'd want to make a difference. Even if it was just saving one person… just saving one single soul… I'd want my life to mean something."
"Your life does mean something," Bill protested, picking up her hand and kissing it.
"I know that. But it's not my life we're arguing about, Bill. It's Hoshi's. He's lost too much. Let him go after Gaeta."
Bill laid her hand against his cheek. "You're right that I want to be able to save my people. And I am. Maybe we can't save Gaeta, or Brooks, or this Eight. But that's not who I'm trying to save right now. It's Louis Hoshi that needs saving, Laura. That's who I'm protecting. I can't get the others back, but I can save him."
It was final; Laura could see it in his eyes. And maybe he was right as well, she honestly didn't know. And the truth was she was tired, and wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms and sleep. "All right, Bill. Save who you can." Because the gods know you won't be able to save the Galactica or me. Take your victories where you can.
***
Jesse found Louis sitting in the officer's quarters, which were mercifully empty. He'd stripped off his uniform jacket and it was puddled on the floor by his feet as he sat at the table. Jesse sat down across from him.
"Am I demoted?" Louis asked sourly.
"The Admiral didn't say," Jesse answered. That perpetual frown of worry he'd worn every time he looked at Louis this past week was back, deeper than ever. Louis looked away.
"The Admiral," he said softly, snorting. "You know, every time I hear the Admiral, I still think of Admiral Cain." He shuddered. "And right now, I don't want to think of her at all."
"She wouldn't have approved of what they did," Jesse said hesitantly.
Louis looked at him sharply. "She would have. Especially since I worked with her so closely."
"Louis-"
He shook his head. "You know, after the attack on the Colonies- after I lost everything I loved- Admiral Cain told us to stay alive for vengeance. That's what kept me going, at least until I could feel hope again."
"I see," Jesse said, and it was as if a wide gulf opened up between them for a moment.
"What's the point?" Louis finally asked. "What are we staying alive for now? We find a habitable planet, we settle… and what? Cavil comes along and blows us all away. And then there are no humans, and in a few years no Cylons because I don't think you guys are ever going to figure out asexual reproduction or male pregnancy, and all of the females are with us. So the universe just becomes this vast, empty waste of space, with no intelligent life anywhere. So what's the frakking point?"
Jesse sighed, and then stood up and got his gun from his locker. "If you really feel that way," he began, sliding the gun across the table, "go ahead. I won't stop you, even though I want to."
Louis picked the gun up and turned it over in his hand. It was smooth and heavy, and he thought of death and release. But he just couldn't do it. He couldn't lift the gun to his head, much less fire. How had Dee had the courage to do it? He was mildly surprised that he even thought that, given how angry he'd been after she had. He slid the gun back to Jesse.
"There's a difference," Jesse said as he picked up the gun and examined it, "between a suicide mission and suicide. You're ready for the first. But you can't do the second because you have hope. You still have hope, Louis. And you're right. Vengeance won't get you through this time, and neither will love. But hope will." He smiled. "Humans started to show me that, on New Caprica and beyond. But you… you're the one that made me really believe it."
Louis shook his head. "Hope," he said hollowly. "You're wrong. I don't have it anymore."
"You do." Jesse hesitantly reached out, and then laced his fingers through Louis's.
"What are you doing?" Louis asked.
"Let me try something." Jesse closed his eyes.
A shock of pain flared up Louis's arm and into his brain. He cried out, trying to pull his hand away, but Jesse's strong grip held him tight. "Sorry," Jesse muttered. "Too much." Then there was a tingle, coursing up his fingers and his arm and his neck and into his brain, and like a TV being tuned, the room began to flicker. Frustrating images, just for a moment, snapped in and out of view all around him, until suddenly, they stabilized.
And they weren't on Galactica anymore.
They were sitting on a boulder, hands still laced together, under a cloudless blue sky. The trees around them had turned the brilliant reds and oranges of fall, and the leaves drifted down on a gentle breeze. They were sitting beside a stream, wide but shallow and reflecting the glory of the sky and the trees, geese floating on the current. There were stones under his feet, sun on his shoulders, wind in his hair. Louis's heart jumped into his throat, and his eyes teared up.
"What is this?" he whispered, and then it dawned on him. "This… this is projection?"
Jesse nodded. "You can see it?" he asked.
"The stream and the trees and the sky and… I'm there, aren't I? I'm really there." Louis looked around. The projection felt like it truly stretched forever, and it was impossible to believe that they were really still seated in a room on a ship.
He slid off the boulder, but Jesse didn't let his hand go. They walked the few steps to the stream, and Louis knelt down to touch it. The water was cool and wet against his fingers.
"Could I drink it?"
"I don't know," Jesse said. "I mean, I could, and I would feel the sensation of water in my mouth and down my throat. But I wouldn't consume anything, and when I let go of you you'll find that your fingers are dry. But I've never shared a projection with a human, so I don't know." He tightened his fingers around Louis's. "But this is hope, Louis. The way your breath caught, the way your heart jumped, the way that just for a moment, you felt like this could be real. You still have it somewhere inside you."
"I don't want to," Louis whispered, still looking at the stream.
"But you do. It's what makes you worthy of staying alive." When Louis looked up, Jesse was smiling down at him sadly. "I have to disconnect this now." Louis nodded, and Jesse let his hand go. The picture cut off abruptly, and Louis was kneeling by one of the racks, back in the dingy grays of a Galactica bunkroom. The pain of losing that beauty and that vision was almost physical, and he collapsed to the floor, shaking.
"Was it too much?" Jesse asked him.
Louis shook his head, and shakily stood up. "No, it's just… is that what you see all the time?"
"No. I find myself projecting less and less these days. It seems a method of delusion, rather than the gift I once believed it was. It makes it harder to accept what's real."
"You told me that the first time I asked," Louis remembered. "I suppose it is still true." As the vision dulled to a memory, he felt the energy drain out of him as well. "I need to sleep," he told Jesse.
Jesse nodded. "I hope I helped."
"You did." Louis wasn't sure if he was lying or telling the truth, but it was certainly the easiest answer. He kicked at his uniform jacket. "I'd better take care of this as well."
The memory of Jesse's projection sustained him as he went through the motions, cleaning up his jacket, himself, climbing into his rack. But when he slid under the cover, the framed picture of Felix he kept on his shelf caught his eye, and everything crashed down on him again.
He closed his eyes, but he knew he still wouldn't sleep.
***
On to Chapter 11