Euphrate's Theories on Poly Geometry

[mseuphrates]

I've attempted to explain this to various people over the course of the last year or so, but I don't think I've ever written it out as a single succinct theory, so I've decided to take a stab at it.

Comments

[alittletlc]

I can't even begin to tell you how much I needed to hear some of the things you said in your post.

Thank you for taking the time to share this. You've helped at least one person and I'm betting there is more.

Hugs

[mseuphrates]

Yay! I'm glad it helped. I think a lot of people do themselves a lot more damage than they need to by trying to take on stuff that just isn't theirs to deal with (and gods know I'm guilty of that myself...Caregivers-R-Us). It's freeing to realize that you DON'T have to fix everything - at least it has been for me (when I remember anyway). ;)

[xtraspecial_tom]

Yep...bottom line, you can't own everyone else's problems, let alone fix them.

Good post. I really liked it.

T.

[spaceoperadiva]

Nice post, thanks.

[msmysticmuse]

Eu, you hit the nail on the head with this.... I tried MANY times to explain this to B, but no matter how many times I tried....Z was the "cause" of everything. But he wasn't. He only became the cause after B's relationship with someone else hit the rocks. *Sighs*

[stefsoap]

Well said m'dear. I don't think that I see the separate relationships as quite so isolated as you do, though I see your point that the individual relationships need to be cared for by the participants and not neglected while the "third spoke" tries to caretake. I _do_ think that handled responsibly, a third (or fourth) person can be a sounding board, provided they then send the person back where the work really needs to be done. eg. If A vents to C, it's fine, but after listening, C needs to send A back to B to do the work.

I also think that the fourth relationship, the whole, is often neglected and that energy put into that relationship can filter down in a really positive way to all the other participating spokes. If all the time, energy, communication, fun, etc. take place within the individual sides of the triangle (or other shape) there is communication missing; there is a dynamic that's being left to wither and possibly negatively impact the whole.

[mseuphrates]

You make some very good points, Stef. Regarding sounding boards - I don't disagree, it can be really helpful. But I really urge caution...because I've experienced situations where someone expects the other member of the group to *fix* the problem ("she's YOUR girlfriend, so you have to deal with this..."). Or, they just dump on or complain, and having vented their spleen to a third party, go their merry way and not deal with things. (Which, having been that third party, is a helluva burden to bear). On the flip side, my ex specifically forbade me to "get into it" with our wife (his now legal wife) because he didn't trust me to handle it with "kid gloves enough" so she wouldn't leave him *headdesk*...which caused 9 kinds of mess and stress (particularly when he'd then blame me for putting him in the middle...wtf

[lovewithoutfear]

This is really good...for relationship structures where everyone is/acknowledges being involved with everyone else, if not romantically, at least in an atmosphere of general acceptance and goodwill. Where I think it might break down (and I'm not sure how, or why I think this, yet) is in poly "chains" (at their simplest that is V relationships that become N's or W's or Y's -- or other things that don't look like letters.) Some people are just not built to come into close contact.

I am living in an open V, and despite living with her, the sad reality is I cannot afford to be too invested in/care what my husband's other partner (Scorp) thinks of my other partners...(nor what she thinks of me much of the time, for that matter). If he and I are good, and he is managing things with her, that's about all I can hope for.

Bad poly? Probably, but we are all too stubborn to quit.