Bottles and wells

[mrissa]

Every once in awhile I make a post about communication with Minnesotans, because I know how frustrating we can be to well-meaning outsiders. I've been thinking about it after seeing a couple of friends from the south (the real south this time, not my usual value of south, which is Iowa, or Albert Lea, or on a really bad day Farmington) expressing

Comments

[sam_t]

*Smiles lopsidedly, sits down*

Not sure if that translated. A lot of this sort of thing seems to be done by tone of voice and body language and pauses in conversation. Thanks for articulating it, anyway.

[mrissa]

One tries.

[pameladean]

Yes yes yes. I was not raised in Minnesota, but there is a weird strain of some Welsh subculture (sometimes we just call it "the Welsh" if people are Not Talking or Taking Gigantic Steps Without Telling You) in my family. My mother does not have it. It was my dad. Boy howdy, was it my dad, and his dad. Man. All of her kids drive her nuts because it's like pulling teeth to get out of us what she thinks of as very basic information. She tells us stuff all the time. We have to remember to do that, and yes, if things are strained, then that is An Effort; it's not the default.

P.

[miz_hatbox]

That is a good way of putting it. I often have to remember that

[mrissa]

I think just having more people thinking about multiple modes of handling this sort of thing might help.

[ellameena]

Well, people are people. No matter where you go, they pretty much work the same. What your excellent point may highlight, though, is the fact that people are not bottles. Our feelings don't build up and then explode. There are different ways of coping with life experiences, and the demonstrative, expressive way that pop psychology tells us that we need to do it may not always be the best. I'm not even sure that it's sometimes the best. I've heard some reports that there are studies showing that midwestern style coping, "bottling up" feelings, and forced cheerfulness are better than psychotherapy.

So, I say, bottle it up all you want. It's those that are letting it out who should be making excuses. :-) I mean, what if I don't want "it" all over me?

[orbitalmechanic]

Hah. I am a bottler and I do feel guilty about it all the time! Like, good lord, am I the only person who can't bravely and politely suffer in silence?

[zwol]

This speaks to my own difficulty with expressing sympathies, especially online; for instance I rarely throw in sympathetic comments when people do vent about their problems on LJ, despite feeling that this is expected of me.

It's not quite the same thing, though; my inner reaction is along the lines of "I shouldn't just say the same thing that anyone could say, I should think of something meaningful and actually helpful to say, and that's really hard and why can't I just hand the person a cup of tea and/or rub knots out of their neck for a while?" and then I give up.

I could come up with some pop-psych nonsense about this being my family's fault but meh.

[aedifica]

I have the same difficulty figuring out meaningful ways to reply when others post about their problems. But then I remember the times I've posted about problems, and how sometimes I just wanted to vent (and then I didn't care what responses I got) and other times it meant so much just to know that there were other people out there pulling for me, regardless of what words they used to express it--and so I usually go ahead and write my supportive comment no matter how inane the comment seems.

[leahbobet]

No...that's a lot of my reaction too. I am distinctly uncomfortable with saying anything that 1) I don't mean and 2) might be interpreted as the socially required noise rather than something useful, meaningful, and pertinent. So I sometimes just don't say anything at all, especially when I want to be helpful but have no capacity to help and know it. It's caught me shit from people before.

I suspect it's an introvert's reaction. When I am in a time of stress or grief, I do not want to expend energy on dealing with you just because you feel social niceties require you to be in my face. One should be genuinely useful or be out of my face. Thus I do unto others in this way.

(This may be pop-psych, but...resonate at all? *g*)

[mrissa]

The socially required noise problem is a hard one. Frankly I think some noises should be expected of some fraction of one's social group. Condolences are high on that list. Offers of help may be socially required but are so for a reason: people who are grieving or ill (or, to take a happier example, have a new baby!) are traditionally offered help from their social circle because they need it, because that's what the other monkeys are for. So no, you don't want people to think you did or said something insincerely, but because it's the right thing to do or say is a good reason that will apply beyond just yourself.

But part of the function of those social obligations is to teach them to be unobtrusive. There's a difference between murmuring, "I'm so sorry; here's a quiche," and getting in someone's face going, "Oh, Leah, you must be devastated, I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do, you know what's really awful about the situation is the following three things you've already gone over in your head a million times and had