Bottles and wells

[mrissa]

Every once in awhile I make a post about communication with Minnesotans, because I know how frustrating we can be to well-meaning outsiders. I've been thinking about it after seeing a couple of friends from the south (the real south this time, not my usual value of south, which is Iowa, or Albert Lea, or on a really bad day Farmington) expressing

Comments

[matociquala]

And the winch is broken.

*loff*

S'okay. Some of us are happy just to breathe at you.

[mrissa]

But that was in another country, and besides, the winch is broken. Yah.

It's a companionable sort of breathing.

[matociquala]

Very companionable.

Want some tea?

[mrissa]

I've got oatmeal raisin cookies left.

[aedifica]

All this is good to read. Most of it I know intellectually, but haven't really internalized (despite the fact that over the last few years I've been becoming somewhat more introverted). But there have been at least one or two times, particularly early in college, that I met an introvert and really liked him or her and would have liked to become friends, but we spoke such different languages (metaphorically) that it just didn't happen.

[mrissa]

I think that putting words on how we do things sometimes helps in negotiating what we can expect of each other, what we can do differently, what not to take wrong.

One of the problems I have is that I present gregariously to the outside world, and that can very easily be mistaken for extroversion by people who don't know the difference -- or even people who do know the difference but haven't spotted the signs that in another 20 minutes I am going to go collapse from all these monkeys.

[mechaieh]

Yep.

I don't think I ever come across as gregarious, but people have been known to read "functionally social" as "ready to keep on for hours" rather than "I'm resorting to every conversational strategy I know to remain engaged at an acceptable level until my extroverted spouse finally catches my signal that I need to go home NOW."

Granted, it's hard to fault them for misreading me when I'm doing my best to be discreet. I like to think I only get really cranky when someone isn't allowing me to escape quickly and graciously, and even then there's often some sort of alcohol-based elevation of insecurity involved. Oh, how I've come to hate the question, "But aren't you having fun?"

There are times I wish there were Betan-style earrings for thresholds of interactivity.

[swan_tower]

My spouse and I have actually declared a formal system: whether we're out or have guests at our house, I can discreetly tap an SOS on him (yes, literally -- three short, three long, three short) and he'll know that I want to leave/want our guests to leave.

I can do the social thing. But only for so long.

[mrissa]

Glad to be of service.

[mrissa]

Well, but I think that the stereotype that most men are like this goes along with and they shouldn't be. Women's magazines are constantly giving advice on getting "him" to open up and let his feelings out.

[lynnal]

What you say about energy is very true, and I resemble that comment. It took me years of being thrown into parties to learn to make conversation with strangers, and it was *work*.

My personal experience with men and sociabilty does not match the stereotype at all. Both badger2305 and Mike Ford are/were extremely social in public. If you look closely, the subjects never got near personal feelings on sensitive subjects. Books and movies, yes. Relationships, no.

Back to the original situation, there is a comfort in being able to tell a friend "things aren't going so good" and have her understand exactly what you mean. And understand that you have not lost all sense of correct English grammar, you are using a local phrase for a specific purpose. The flip side is knowing that "not bad at all" means cause for celebration.

[mrissa]

"Can't complain" being the pinnacle of human happiness, yes.

[snurri]

Yeah, what you said.

Also, there is: "Don’t speak unless you can improve the silence."