SOMEBODY'S GOT TO MAKE A STAND
HOLY CRAP THAT WAS THE BEST MOVIE EVER I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT EXCEPT: AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. WHY ARE YOU NOT SEEING IT FIVE TIMES IN A ROW RIGHT NOW? WHY AM I NOT SEEING IT FIVE TIMES IN A ROW RIGHT NOW?!?
BRB, GOING TO SEE CLASH OF THE TITANS FIVE TIMES IN A ROW RIGHT NOW, I WILL NEED A LOT OF POPCORN.
Ah, there now, that's better. Clash of the Titans was pretty fucking spectacular. In the days to come, you may hear some things about it to the contrary, but I hope you are ignoring them, because they are WRONG, and if you have decided this movie does not interest you so you are not paying attention to anything about it, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU STUPID PERSON, I JUST SAID IT WAS AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME WHY DO YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION TO ME I HATE YOU.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I really am. It's just that I'm so super pumped about how amazing this film is, and now I'm going to tell you why.
First of all, you should know that the updated version chose to replace Harry Hamlin with Sam Worthington, whom I have deemed boring, so I have chosen to replace him with Henry Cavill as Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, in The Tudors.
It's better this way. Trust me. We also did not see it in 3D, because fuck that noise.
The film opens with a sky full of stars, which I assume (wrongly) will display the constellations of Cassiopeia, Andromeda, and others pertinent to the story of Perseus. Instead we see a depiction of starry Titans and gods fighting one another and Hades creating the Kraken from his own flesh (WHAT.) (THE KRAKEN IS JESUS WHAT WHAT?!?) and also Gemma Arterton's disembodied voice is telling us some things but I'm not really paying attention because loudnbothered is sitting next to me reading Twitter from his phone, I CAN ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO ONE THING AT A TIME, DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THIS?
In any case, then there's a fisherman and he finds a very fancy coffin floating in the ocean and the coffin contains some dead lady and a crying baby, and the fisherman knows this is Destiny so he keeps the baby and raises him as his son and that baby is Perseus.
Perseus, circa 1500AD
Background: Perseus is the half-mortal, half-god bastard son of Zeus and the daughter wife of Acrisius, King of Argos. Zeus just fucking felt like it wanted to get back at Acrisius for being a dick, so he turned himself into a shower of gold disguised himself as Acrisius and visited Danae the wife lady. And then Acrisius knew from a prophecy that his daughter's child would destroy him got real jealous and decided his daughter wife and her newborn child had to die so he locked them in a surprisingly elaborate coffin and threw them into the sea. Then Zeus was all O NO U DINT and zapped Acrisius with a lightning bolt and he got all deformed and then he hid under the city and started calling himself Calibos. And that's how Perseus got adopted by this fisherman and his family and never knew the story of his birth and junk. But Destiny had something else in store for Perseus...
Also Gemma Arterton was hanging around watching Perseus from afar, bein' all pale and smirky in her palette of white and gray. Apparently she's Io, who spurned the advances of Zeus an unnamed god, and for her troubles was turned into a cow made immortal.
Quit watchin' me, you damn cow!
Perseus and his family come across a bunch of Argosian soldiers tearing down a statue of Zeus, presumably because humans are sick of the gods bossing them around and raping their wives and stuff without ever doing anything nice for them to make up for it. Obviously the gods NEED humans to care about them, otherwise they stop being immortal and gods and stuff, so this is no good. Hades shows up and creates some creepy flying devil things out of his smoke wings and they kill a bunch of soldiers. Perseus' fisherman dad advises him to do nothing, and then Hades stares right at them and straight up drowns Perseus' whole damn family, and Perseus only survives on account of being part god (although he does not know this yet).
P.S., Hades is played by Ralph Fiennes and he is DELICIOUS.
Drink it in, bitches.
Up in Mt. Olympus, where all the gods are very shiny and have fabulous hair and this mysterious eagle is always soaring around, Zeus is mopey and Hades shows up to tell him that humans no longer worship the gods, and the gods need their worship to survive, so Zeus had better make sure they get told.
"YOU TELL DEM" "NO DEY ARE MY FREINDS & I AM TOO SHINY TO TELL DEM."
Zeus has a soft spot for mortals, as evidenced by his constantly raping their women, and he doesn't want to destroy them, really. But Hades has a terrible secret: mortal fear feeds him and makes him stronger, so it's important that he gets the humans as riled up as possible, and then he can take over Olympus and get back at Zeus for tricking him into the Underworld millions of years ago or whatever.
Meanwhile, Perseus is rescued by the only surviving Argosian soldiers and brought to Ethiopia Argos, where he witnesses King Cepheus and Queen Cassiopeia defying the gods' rule. Cassie even boasts that her daughter is more fair than Aphrodite herself (P.S. Aphrodite is apparently played by Agyness Deyn but good luck spotting her anywhere).
"Mooooooom! That's totally not cool, Mooooooooom!"
So then Hades shows up again, bein' all badass, and is like O NO U DINT NOW YOUS GUYS GOTS TO SACRIFICE YOUR DAUGHTER OR I WILL GET ALL KRAKEN ON UR ASSES. And Perseus is like HEY CUT THAT OUT and Hades is like SHUT UP, FOO.
Then King Cepheus tells Perseus he has to save all of them because his father is Zeus, and how he knows this but Perseus doesn't is beyond me, but whatever, if this movie can mess up Greek mythology this bad then I've just given up on making sense out of any of it.
Perseus knows this has something to do with his Destiny, so he agrees to save Argos and teams up with a bunch of cynical Argosian soldiers, including:
-
Draco, the badass, embittered, but brave and wise leader.
-
Ixas, who is hot, and plays the flute worse than an entire class of six-year-olds at their first recorder recital.
-Eusebios and Solon, whose pictures I could not find, but who are also amusing and loyal.
-A couple of other soldiers who aren't as nice, but it's okay because they die anonymously pretty early on.
And before they leave they gear up and OH GOD YES IT'S BUBO, BUBO I LOVE YOU!
I love you, too, Momo.
And Perseus is all WTF IS THIS THING and Draco is like LEAVE IT HERE THAT THING IS USELESS and everyone went LOL BUBO.
And Io comes with them, even though she is basically annoying and pointless, but I guess she's pretty and otherwise it'd be a total sausagefest so okay. Basically they have to
1) Find the Stygian witches and ask them how to kill the Kraken
2) ?????
3) Kill the Kraken
4) PROFIT!!!
(I know, that was an excellent use of old meme.)
Since I have to go make Easter dinner and this is already a pretty long entry, the second half of the movie will have to go in another entry. I know it's going to be hard for you to wait until then, but be strong! Be strong like Perseus! Who definitely looks like this!
Yes!!!! See y'all later!
BRB, GOING TO SEE CLASH OF THE TITANS FIVE TIMES IN A ROW RIGHT NOW, I WILL NEED A LOT OF POPCORN.
Ah, there now, that's better. Clash of the Titans was pretty fucking spectacular. In the days to come, you may hear some things about it to the contrary, but I hope you are ignoring them, because they are WRONG, and if you have decided this movie does not interest you so you are not paying attention to anything about it, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU STUPID PERSON, I JUST SAID IT WAS AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME WHY DO YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION TO ME I HATE YOU.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I really am. It's just that I'm so super pumped about how amazing this film is, and now I'm going to tell you why.
First of all, you should know that the updated version chose to replace Harry Hamlin with Sam Worthington, whom I have deemed boring, so I have chosen to replace him with Henry Cavill as Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, in The Tudors.
It's better this way. Trust me. We also did not see it in 3D, because fuck that noise.
The film opens with a sky full of stars, which I assume (wrongly) will display the constellations of Cassiopeia, Andromeda, and others pertinent to the story of Perseus. Instead we see a depiction of starry Titans and gods fighting one another and Hades creating the Kraken from his own flesh (WHAT.) (THE KRAKEN IS JESUS WHAT WHAT?!?) and also Gemma Arterton's disembodied voice is telling us some things but I'm not really paying attention because loudnbothered is sitting next to me reading Twitter from his phone, I CAN ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO ONE THING AT A TIME, DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THIS?
In any case, then there's a fisherman and he finds a very fancy coffin floating in the ocean and the coffin contains some dead lady and a crying baby, and the fisherman knows this is Destiny so he keeps the baby and raises him as his son and that baby is Perseus.
Perseus, circa 1500AD
Background: Perseus is the half-mortal, half-god bastard son of Zeus and the daughter wife of Acrisius, King of Argos. Zeus just fucking felt like it wanted to get back at Acrisius for being a dick, so he turned himself into a shower of gold disguised himself as Acrisius and visited Danae the wife lady. And then Acrisius knew from a prophecy that his daughter's child would destroy him got real jealous and decided his daughter wife and her newborn child had to die so he locked them in a surprisingly elaborate coffin and threw them into the sea. Then Zeus was all O NO U DINT and zapped Acrisius with a lightning bolt and he got all deformed and then he hid under the city and started calling himself Calibos. And that's how Perseus got adopted by this fisherman and his family and never knew the story of his birth and junk. But Destiny had something else in store for Perseus...
Also Gemma Arterton was hanging around watching Perseus from afar, bein' all pale and smirky in her palette of white and gray. Apparently she's Io, who spurned the advances of Zeus an unnamed god, and for her troubles was turned into a cow made immortal.
Quit watchin' me, you damn cow!
Perseus and his family come across a bunch of Argosian soldiers tearing down a statue of Zeus, presumably because humans are sick of the gods bossing them around and raping their wives and stuff without ever doing anything nice for them to make up for it. Obviously the gods NEED humans to care about them, otherwise they stop being immortal and gods and stuff, so this is no good. Hades shows up and creates some creepy flying devil things out of his smoke wings and they kill a bunch of soldiers. Perseus' fisherman dad advises him to do nothing, and then Hades stares right at them and straight up drowns Perseus' whole damn family, and Perseus only survives on account of being part god (although he does not know this yet).
P.S., Hades is played by Ralph Fiennes and he is DELICIOUS.
Drink it in, bitches.
Up in Mt. Olympus, where all the gods are very shiny and have fabulous hair and this mysterious eagle is always soaring around, Zeus is mopey and Hades shows up to tell him that humans no longer worship the gods, and the gods need their worship to survive, so Zeus had better make sure they get told.
"YOU TELL DEM" "NO DEY ARE MY FREINDS & I AM TOO SHINY TO TELL DEM."
Zeus has a soft spot for mortals, as evidenced by his constantly raping their women, and he doesn't want to destroy them, really. But Hades has a terrible secret: mortal fear feeds him and makes him stronger, so it's important that he gets the humans as riled up as possible, and then he can take over Olympus and get back at Zeus for tricking him into the Underworld millions of years ago or whatever.
Meanwhile, Perseus is rescued by the only surviving Argosian soldiers and brought to Ethiopia Argos, where he witnesses King Cepheus and Queen Cassiopeia defying the gods' rule. Cassie even boasts that her daughter is more fair than Aphrodite herself (P.S. Aphrodite is apparently played by Agyness Deyn but good luck spotting her anywhere).
"Mooooooom! That's totally not cool, Mooooooooom!"
So then Hades shows up again, bein' all badass, and is like O NO U DINT NOW YOUS GUYS GOTS TO SACRIFICE YOUR DAUGHTER OR I WILL GET ALL KRAKEN ON UR ASSES. And Perseus is like HEY CUT THAT OUT and Hades is like SHUT UP, FOO.
Then King Cepheus tells Perseus he has to save all of them because his father is Zeus, and how he knows this but Perseus doesn't is beyond me, but whatever, if this movie can mess up Greek mythology this bad then I've just given up on making sense out of any of it.
Perseus knows this has something to do with his Destiny, so he agrees to save Argos and teams up with a bunch of cynical Argosian soldiers, including:
-
Draco, the badass, embittered, but brave and wise leader.
-
Ixas, who is hot, and plays the flute worse than an entire class of six-year-olds at their first recorder recital.
-Eusebios and Solon, whose pictures I could not find, but who are also amusing and loyal.
-A couple of other soldiers who aren't as nice, but it's okay because they die anonymously pretty early on.
And before they leave they gear up and OH GOD YES IT'S BUBO, BUBO I LOVE YOU!
I love you, too, Momo.
And Perseus is all WTF IS THIS THING and Draco is like LEAVE IT HERE THAT THING IS USELESS and everyone went LOL BUBO.
And Io comes with them, even though she is basically annoying and pointless, but I guess she's pretty and otherwise it'd be a total sausagefest so okay. Basically they have to
1) Find the Stygian witches and ask them how to kill the Kraken
2) ?????
3) Kill the Kraken
4) PROFIT!!!
(I know, that was an excellent use of old meme.)
Since I have to go make Easter dinner and this is already a pretty long entry, the second half of the movie will have to go in another entry. I know it's going to be hard for you to wait until then, but be strong! Be strong like Perseus! Who definitely looks like this!
Yes!!!! See y'all later!