Dragon Lady, part 2
Miah joins Mark, Maria, and Cadmar for one of the longest missions in PPC history.
Disclaimer: We do not own the PPC. It was created by Jay and Acacia--the original Assassins. The text below is a review in narrative form and also contains elements of parody/satire. Neither of us own Harry Potter, which is the property of J.K.Rowling. My Dragons Your Phoenix His Death Eaters and Heather, are owned by XxX Fleur-Delacour XxX. She may keep both.
This is a co-write between Caddy-shack and me. Read more of his stuff, too!
Caddy-shack’s Notes: Well, this started off as a Solo, with a cameo of Cali in the follow-up Interlude, and changed to me co-writing with Miah, and having a good time. Talk about good changes.
Sporked by: Cadmar, Mark, Maria, and Miah.
Rating: M for Much things happen.
Previous appearance: Dragon Lady, part 1
Dragon Lady
"Keep working on it til you get it," I barked. "Twin Two! Impress me!"
Twin One went to another corner of the room. Twin Two, or Fred, smirked and raised his wand, producing a Donkey flawlessly.
"Wonderful," Cadmar said dryly. "Serpensortia."
He flicked his wand and the snake flung itself at me. Cadmar, without a second of panic, nor hesitation, flicked his wand and it erupted into flames at his feet. "Protego."
A silver shield was produced.
“She seems to change personality quickly. Like Eva.” Mark said, while helping Maria with the few matches there were.
"Terantegello Terentia Lucifus."
His eyes narrowed, "That's Dark Magic," he said confused.
"Someone's been paying attention. Yes it is. not perform it. What does it do? How is it recognized? How can you stop it?"
"It literally opens a whole in the ground under you and drags you to hell. The light is black. And by jumping away from the pit."
"Very good, practice others with Twin One. Granger!"
“She can obviously tell them apart. How glaurunging hard is it to then learn their names?” Miah said grumpily.
Maria paused and looked fearfully at Cadmar, who was starting to look different, aside from the high heels and hair. “I...I REALLY hope she can’t actually drag someone to hell. That seems like a huge breach of canon.”
Mark gave a short cry as he burnt his finger. “I would also like to point out that light cannot be black. I do not think a CAD reading will be needed after this, even if we haven’t used it yet. If they are willing to accept her, while she is willing to use a spell that can drag a person to hell, all the characters are OOC.”
“Here, let me see your finger, Mark. I’ve got some burn stuff. And don’t worry, this wasn’t made for burnt tongues,” Miah said, as she removed a small tube of ointment from her pack.
“It is quite alright.” Mark extended his finger to show her, “See?”
Miah put the tube away. “Not quite human, huh? Okay.”
"Well, since lunch is in an hour, that gives us a half hour to spare after running," I said brightly. I swished my wand, transfiguring my clothes to a T-shirt and shorts. Their clothes with mine to work out clothes as well.
The red-heads and Harry grumbled. Granger looked eager. She's a knowledge craver. I led them to the back garden and muttered a spell. The green scenery changed to a long Quidittch field like arena. Only there was a track. I sent pink smoke to my Dragon's, informing them to start running. I took off on the track, the lost Order struggling to keep up.
"Pace yourselves. Five miles," I reminded them as we completely two laps. On this track, though, that was equivalent to two miles.
“Grimmauld Place did not have a back garden, if I recall correctly. And transfiguring it into a mile long course is very...” Mark trailed off.
“Dumb?” Maria offered.
“To put it bluntly. A charge for creating a geographical aberration should suffice.”
“Well, at least he’s getting some exorcise right?” Maria said as she watched Cadmar. “We’re out of matches, but he should be fine. I don’t think anything too bad will happen to heather, if being given a tattoo is her idea of torture.”
The still-possessed Cadmar then declared training over, and all the canons followed him upstairs, where they ate dinner, and talked about who they would kill at the final battle. The agents followed them and hid in the kitchen.
“I don’t think that’s something you talk about at a dinner with so many people around” Maria said in disgust. “Killing isn’t really a table topic.”
“He doesn’t get to keep these abilities does he? I don’t think we need a Cadmar that can open pits straight to Hell in HQ. The Flowers have a thing against fire,” Miah said.
"No, I get Dolohov and Amycus," Cadmar said fiercly. They will pay for what they did to me.
“It was only a tattoo, why is she so angry about it?” Mark shook his head. “She has made little sense so far, I should not be trying to figure her out.”
“I hope not Miah, he’d start finding excuses to use it all the time. Well, we could make him forget he can do it, if it comes to that.” Maria cracked her knuckles. “I have ways of making people forget things.”
Miah inched toward the kitchen in search of food. “There might be a lot of things in this experience that he should forget. Also, the CAD might explode if we were to point it at Hermione right now. Since when has she enjoyed thoughts of torturing people?”
"I want Greyback," Cindy murmured. "He will pay for what he did to me."
Granger's eyes lit up in understanding, "You're a werewolf." It wasn't a questions, but a statement needed confirming.
Cinderella smiled, "Yes. Greyback and I got into a little scuffle two years ago on a full moon. It's probably been the best thing to happen to me. I understand Remus is a werewolf."
“...She’s calling being viciously attacked by a werewolf, and becoming one, the best thing to ever happen to her? Seriously?! I was under the impression that there was a lot of prejudice against werewolves, like, a lot. Enough to make them ally with the Dark Lord because it was better than living with the government.” Maria took a few more Bleeprin. “Seriously, adding an affliction to characters doesn’t make them instantly cool.”
“I’m pretty sure that it isn’t even polite dinner conversation to mention werewolves, and Remus probably doesn’t appreciate her reminding everyone to think about him and the full status.” Miah said from near the pantry.
"I want Lucius," Belle smirked. "The battles a week before my twentieth birthday. I"ll make the most of it."
She was hit with an irreversable curse that Lucius gave her when she was a newborn. The spell can only be broken by true love's first kiss by her twentieth birthday. She gave up hope after kissing every male she laid eyes on and nothing happened. She nearly had all of France tied to her finger as not her true love.
“Tell me that’s not canon. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Also, poor girl. Do you have any idea how many men are in France?” Miah paused for a moment. “That’s almost twenty-one million men in the fifteen to sixty-four age range. Do you think she stuck to those ranges?”
Maria seethed, “What. the. Hell! My God, that is so cheesy and STUPID!” She turned furiously to Miah. “Seriously, that has got to be the WORST idea ever! Why would an author purposely do that to a female character? And why does it have to be a man? How is ‘True Love’ decided by the curse?” Maria grabbed a random plate and broke in in half.
Mark coughed. “I should hope she stuck to that age group, the implications otherwise are...unpleasant. I do not believe either her on Cindy have done anything wrong, they are redeemable. Though I do not think leaving them here would be wise.”
Miah nodded. “Especially Cindy. Look at all the trouble Lupin has lived with.”
Maria nodded, calming down slightly, “Yeah, and Belle will probably be sick of here when the Author Wraith is gone too. Being forced to do that sounds horrible. That entire curse sounds so ridiculous, I doubt it’ll work once the Suefluence is gone.”
"Rowle," Aurora muttered. She gave no explanation, just the name. She never gave no explanations. I've learnt to deal with it.
"Why?" Granger asked anyway.
"He hurt me beyond repair. And he should pay."
I was surprised she actually answered. The truth was always given from her, and I could tell if she was lying. This time, she wasn't. I only wondered what Rowle did to her.
Mark hid the broken pieces of the plate in a drawer. “I do not see anything wrong with Aurora either. Being vague and mysterious is not bad.”
“Kind of like you, huh?” Miah said. “Also, do you notice that the characters are contradicting her, and that she suddenly sounds like she’s speaking from inside one of those ‘In Soviet Russia...’ jokes?”
"Scabior," Fleur whispered. "'ee killed my seester."
“I deed not heet her!” Maria said in a Tommy Wiseau voice.
“We must find Gabrielle...somehow. I don’t recall her dying.” Mark said.
Maria tilted her head to the side. “Waaaaaait a minute, the werewolf girl’s name in Cindy, or Cinderella, then there is Belle, and Aurora, and Jazmine from earlier...”
Miah sang (badly), “I can show you the world, Shining, shimmering, splendid...”
Maria lunged forward and captured Miah in a tight hug, “Eee! I love that song! and yeah, they’re all named after Disney princesses. That’s really silly. You should come to a karaoke night with me and Luxury some time, Miah!”
Miah squirmed out of the hug. “Luxury is pretty, um, enthusiastic, isn’t she?”
“Yeah! We can have like, a Charlie’s Angel theme too!”
“Didn’t they wear leather? Like really tight leather?” Miah pulled on the collar of her t-shirt.
Maria grinned. “Awww yeah!”
Mark cleared his throat. “If you two are quite done, there is-”
Alastair glared at me from across the table.
"I can tell you stories that will make even your toes curl, princess," he grumbled.
"Oh, I don't doubt you can, Alastair," Cadmar laughed. "You could scare about just about anyone."
"It's what I aim for."
"You did make Severus run one day, if I remeber correctly. "Cospiriation with his mother."
Granger gagged, "oh gross."
Alastair laughed, "You remember correctly that, Heatherlyn. That boy never looked at me the same."
Maria gagged. “Oh gross! Ewewewew! I DO NOT want to think of Moody doing anything like that with anybody!” Maria downed a handful of Bleeprin, basking in the pleasure of her memory being purged of thoughts of Moody.
Miah forgot to worry about her collar being too tight. “Moody. And Snape’s mother. And Snape saw them? Oh, Owowowgimmesomeofthosepills!”
“No! Mine!”
Mark, deciding it best not get between the two girls fighting over the Bleeprin, pulled out a flask of Bleepka and drank half of it in one drink.
"If it were my mother, Mad-Eye," Cadmar smiled. "I wouldn't be here." he paused and smirked. "I'd probably be hanging the closet right now."
The table erupted into laughter, even Mad-Eye couldn't keep the smile off his face.
"Aye, but you'd never have become and Auror if I hadn't done something with your mother," he grinned.
Maria wailed desperately. “Dear God! He boned the Sue’s mom!”
Miah stepped back and then suddenly leapt at Maria in a flying tackle. “Bleepriiiiiiin!”
Mark downed the rest of the flask, and tried to hide his interest in the two girls rolling around in the kitchen. He was surprised none of the canons noticed.
Miah latched onto Maria’s hand to pry the bottle from her hand. Maria responded by using her other hand to tickle Miah.
“Ahahahaha. You fight--ahahaha--dirty! Come on, I’ve images of Mad-Eye Moody doing the dirty with the Sue’s mom and Snape watching going through my head. I need that stuff!”
“Oh, alright...” Maria handed the bottle over to Miah, who promptly opened it and downed a handful. “Hey Mark, if you’re done staring at us, you should probably charge for making Moody have...ungh...with people, let alone making him a gigolo.”
“I was not staring,” Mark said, glad his scarf hid his blush. “It seems the chapter has ended, they have all gone back downstairs.”
Cadmar had them sit in a circle and he sat next to Harry and Twin 2. "Now, I'm sure you all know who you want to kill," he started. "From now on, I'll train you specifically for those people. Now, six to eight, Hermione. You'll need it for Trixy and Dolohov. Eight to Ten, Red-head," he glared at me. "I mean, Ron. Ten to noon, Harry. I'll teach you everything I know about Tom, including his weaknesses. Lunch. One til three, George. Three to five, Fred. Five to seven, Ginny. Seven to nine, Occulmens for Harry."
A rather peaceful look spread on Miah’s face. “Man, that’s good stuff. So, the Sue is going to teach Harry all about Voldemort’s weaknesses, huh? Only thing he couldn’t understand was that love magic thing that kept Harry alive when he was a baby. I don’t think this chick knows anything about love, so what does she have to teach?”
“Presumably? She could teach him the hellhole spell, I am sure that would stop Voldemort.” At Maria and Miah’s looks, Mark added, “Though it would be uncanon.”
Cadmar laughed, "I started to study magic when I was eight, without a wand. Just reading only when Uncle Remus wasn't home, you see, he'd have a fit. I'd already completed the Hogwarts coursework by the time I got my letter. I had Remus enroll me in Beaubatons. I hated Tom for what he did to my paretns and I always will. I met all the girls in my year, and my first year together, we took Oaths to take Tom down. Well, his Death Eaters then, because he was dead. That's when we technically started. On my second year, I started to learn wandless magic and nonverbal magic. In third year, I became an animagi. Unregistered, of course.
“Ah, here we go. It’s time for the Standard Potter Sue checklist.” Maria sighed dramatically. “Wandless magic? Check. Non-verbal? Check. Animagus? Check. Heck, she completed the entire Hogwarts course by the time she was eleven, bonus points for her!” Maria clapped.
“Yes, because all the responsible parents of the little eleven year old French girls explained in detail all about the terrorists plaguing another country,” Miah said.
“Of course,” Mark said, “and I appreciate her summarizing her entire school life, as uncanon as it is, into one paragraph.”
"Then Tom returned to life, Fleur was first to report to me of it. Fourth year. . . I completed all wandless and nonverbal magic. I took all advanced courses and graduated early, along with most of my Dragons. That's when Alastiar heard about us and came offering to train us to be Aurors. In what would have been my fifth year, we finished our training ahead of didn't work for the Ministry, we worked for ourselves. And Tom was after us. We were tracking the Carrows. . .
“So, she is seriously expecting us to not only believe that she did all that other stuff, plus was hired by Moody, the Moody who was RETIRED at the time, to work as Aurors, despite them graduating in another country, and they not only excelled at Auror training, but did it faster then everyone, and were just ALLOWED to not join?” Maria looked at Miah, “Did I miss anything?”
“Umm. They were all underage? Oh, and this mini has been trying to get our attention for the last two scenes.” She pointed at Alistiar, who was attempting to scuttle up her leg.
"Orion and I. We accidentally ran into an ambush. At the begining of my sixth year, last year, they killed Orion. He was the only casualty. He was trying to me from a spell that I didn't see. . . The killer was Amycus. Corsica and I were furious. Corsica was Orion's sister. She was a year younger than me. . ." Cadmar took a deep breath and continued. "I was captured from behind. Amycus made me suffer. Corsica, hearing my distress call through my necklace, came and Alecto killed her. I was rescued eventually but the damage was already done. He took me to Tom before I was rescued though. He offered me a position in his Inner Circle. . . I refused.
“That was a very plot hole filled life story.” Mark flipped to a new page, “Why would only Corsica go to rescue her, and not the rest as well? All her dragons are said to have the necklaces. And most importantly, why would Voldemort offer her a position, a high up position I might add, if he knew she was after him, was highly trained, and had highly trained followers?” Mark’s hands were trembling slightly.
Miah fed Alistiar a strip of bacon and shooed it off her leg to hang out with sectumsemra, who had just arrived, very angrily, from being left behind back in chapter four. “I...I really have no words for this. Except maybe, I hate her. A lot.”
Hermione talked a bit more with Possessed!Cadmar, who was actually asleep, but was still talking and moving due to the will of the Author Wraith.
“Aw, he’s so cute when he’s asleep. Look how innocent he looks,” Miah cooed.
“Yeah, too bad he doesn’t have that stuffed duck thing.” Maria giggled.
"Legimens!" I cried.
"Protego!"
I stood stock still as my mind was molested with the memories of my past.
"Please, stop!" I cried.
The hair on the back of my neck was cut violently with a dull knife. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was sat on top of and the tip of Amycus's blade buried into the skin on the back of my neck. I cried out in pain.
"Alecto!" Amycus shouted. Alecto came in, her wand in her own hand. "Do you have the ashes of the Mudbloods?"
She tossed a small pouch to him and he took it, dumping the substance onto the wound of my skin, before healing my neck. He then proceded to cut me more. Across my bare back in long, deep lines. I screamed in pa-
I shoved my walls in place, forcing Harry out of my head.
Maria gasped and sputtered, “I..I... aah..” She got up and used a counter to keep her balance. “Oh God, we have to help him!”
Miah grabbed Maria and kept her from leaving the kitchen. “The only way to do that is to fix this Dummy, and get that Sue out of him. Now, let’s find some matches.”
“I...I promised myself I would protect him and Mark. I can’t believe...” Maria choked a sob back.
Mark was tensely silent as he was looking through the drawers quickly for anything he could find to fix the Dummy.
Miah awkwardly patted Maria on the back. “We’ll find something, and we’ll get him back.”
"Because there's a three percent chance you'll live," i said calmly. "This is for the three percenct. And if you die, well, he can still access your mind and if he does then you'll be putting all those you love in danger."
He narrowed his eyes, "Why's there only three percent?"
"Because, if Tom or someone only kill the horcrux, then you'll live. You might be knocked out cold for a while, but you could live."
"And if I don't?"
"Then you don't," I said sadly. "But your death means either we win or he does. We need you-"
“Oh dear Eru, she’s going to kill Harry. What are we going to do?” Miah said.
Mark slammed his head into a counter. “She has completely wrapped the entire story of Harry Potter around herself! Not even the leader is able to make a decision unless she suggests it! How can she possibly know the exact percentage?!”
Maria sighed. “This is useless, they have magic here, why would they have matches lying around? We should have taken muggle-use wands...”
Miah scanned the rest of the chapter. “So she tells Dumbledore she is going to kill Harry, snags the extendable ear, which, of course, she knew all about, and told the others all about. Oh, and she has a book on Horcruxes, even though they are total Dark Magic. Here, look at this.”
"Accio Horcrux book," I murmured as soon as the library door shut behind me. I started to flip through it heatedly as soon as it was in my hands. I was searching for something to destroy horcruxes in people. Somehing to ensure it. After hours of reading to no avail, I cam across a small paragraph.
"Horcruxes, if found, can only be destroyed through basilisk venom or the creator of said object. The pain the host feels before the Horcrux is destroyed is imense. A horcrux can be destroyed without killing the object. To do this, the destroyer must first kill the person, then perform a resurrection spell. The victim will return to normal, but the horcrux gone."
I gasped in disbelief. It didn't say what to use to kill him, but I believe if I cut the scar, then strike his heart, it will work. I continued reading, but found no more on the subject.
"What are you looking for?" A quiet voice asked.I dropped the book abruptly and stood up quickly.
"I-I already found it. I just have to do the ressurrection spell."
"You know the ressurrection spell?" she asked.
I nodded, "Soeul Projecto," I smiled. "It's easy enough."
“A...a resurrection spell! But, that doesn’t...How does...?” Maria sat down and put her head between her legs. “Why?” she asked in a miserable tone.
“I do not know,” Mark answered. “Introducing a resurrection spell into the world is creating a massive plot hole, though. If such a spell existed, what Dumbledore said in the fourth book was wrong, and he was lying to Harry. It begs the question of why everyone never uses it, and why the killing curse is so feared if it can be reversed.”
Miah patted Maria on the back some more. “If she can resurrect people, then why didn’t she do it with her boyfriend or ‘sisters’. You know that term makes her sound like some cult leader, right? Hey! Maybe the resurrection spell is why Dumbledore is alive!”
Maria hugged Miah normally. “Thanks. Well, we almost have enough we just need to fix the dummy. Mark, how many more charges do you think we’ll need, because she has mangled the timeline and canon.”
“We should only need a few more. At the rate the fic is going, we should be done soon.”
“So what options do we have left for fixing the Dummy? We’re out of matches. Sewing didn’t hold. We don’t have anything to patch it. We don’t have any functional Muggle-use wands, and we can’t portal to get any of these things, because both of our RAs are broken and if we leave Grimmauld Place, we couldn’t find it again. Are we actually going to have to seriously consider my idea of kidnapping, er...’recruiting’ the help of a canon character?”
Just as Miah finished talking, Kreacher shuffled into the kitchen, grumbling about no good mudbloods and blood traitors.
Maria grinned. “I think we may have a solution to our problem.”
0*0*0*0
One long, long day of nothing canon breaking happening later, the three agents were lounging in Sirius’ old room, which was unused by any of the canons. Maria was going over the repaired Dummy for the umpteenth time, Mark was reading, and Miah was sorting through the various items she had ‘obtained’ during their wait. Their long wait. Their very long wait. “Are we there yet?” Miah said exasperatedly.
“Yes,” Mark replied levelly. “In fact, we have always been technically there. For the entire mission as a matter of fact..”
Miah threw a heavy-ish brass knob at Mark, who dodged easily. “Why isn’t Cadmar completely Sued yet? He’s been possessed for quite a while now.”
Maria bit her lip, “Yeah, I was wondering that too, and I got to thinking, well, being Sued is when you do a bunch of things that are OOC, having crazy powers, and taking over the story and world, because of the possession, right?”
Both Mark and Miah nodded.
“So, it’s not like she has actually used any of the so called powers she had, the only spells with un-canon powers she has used are the healing one, the area of affect death spell, and the resurrection one. All the other spells Cadmar could possibly pull off with a Muggle-use wand, and, well, it’s not like he is acting too differently, aside from being all bi-polar with Blaise the replacement. Truth is, Miah, he wouldn’t bat an eye-lash at all the dragons dying, or even using ‘dark’ spells to do things.”
“Hmm. It’s a good thing for Cadmar that this story suffers from a serious lack of understanding the Show don’t Tell rule of writing then.”
“It would still be fortunate if we could finish this soon. Though it is too bad Kreacher could not fix our RAs.” Mark closed the book he was reading, “I have also been thinking on Heather. She is...strangely evil, for the main character of a story.”
Maria nodded, while still looking over the Dummy. “Yeah, she really makes you think she could be a Death Eater. Like, look at how she reacted when her ‘sisters’ died, she didn’t shed a single tear, or even stop in silence. Hell, she even laughed after most of them died.”
“She’s an unreliable narrator, too. Early on she said that she was better than the Dark Lord, because of the way she treated her Dragons with love and respect. Yet she doesn’t care when they die, shows no consideration of their feelings, erases their memories if they want to quit, and brags about all past ‘deserters’ quickly ending up dead.” Miah briefly wondered if Mark was now distracted enough to fail to dodge flying brick-a-brack.
“Yes, exactly.” Mark moved to the bed and lay down beside Maria on it, leaving a foot gap between them still. Maria looked at him weirdly. “I have found being close to others helps stressful situations,” he said while looking away in embarrassment.
Maria chuckled. ”Yeah, it does, doesn’t it? Anyway, she even acts a bit like Voldemort too. Verbally abusing everyone around her and treating them like tools aside, she uses dark magic for simple duels, wants to teach them all stuff like sending people to hell, kills without remorse, and has the highest grade of evil books.” Maria pulled the Horcrux Book out of the pack, “Like, you would never just find something like this hanging around.”
“Voldemort. Heather. Let’s switch their names for a while and see if anyone notices,” Miah said, and then yawned widely.
‘When you can switch the names of the protagonist and the Big Bad, and it is hard to tell the difference, you may wish to rethink them.” Mark made himself comfortable.
Maria nodded. “Yeah. She also has Kewl back-story. Like, learned magic before she got her letter? Last time I checked, they weren’t allowed wands until they were starting school. Like, you couldn’t even legally get one, and I would not buy her borrowing someone else’s.”
“Riiiii-iight,” Miah drawled. “I really buy that she not only finished all of that course work, alone, but that she did it without Remus knowing, or any access to the books. Really, what are the odds that he had all of the school books from Hogwarts lying about his home?”
Maria snorted. “That’s even assuming he had a home, or one a child could live in. Come to think of it, I don’t think the Ministry of Magic would let a werewolf raise a child like that. I mean, it’s never mentioned if they were allowed to adopt kids, but the prejudice was pretty big.”
“Not to mention that she could not have learned non-verbal and wand-less magic, or even understood the theory much, before sixth year. Especially in her second year.” Mark rested his hands underneath his head. “She also claims to have become an animagus in third year, yet she has never mentioned it again, or shown what her animal form is. She seems to only have that power to one-up the Marauders.”
“Oh yeah, we forgot one thing she claims: she ‘knows’ the future. Or at least she knows the date of the final battle.” The epiphany escaped the pack and hit Miah in the head again. “Hey! Given her affinity for the Dark Lord, maybe she planned it out with him. That makes more sense than her being able to take Voldemort’s wand and foretell the final battle.”
Mark looked at her with wide eyes. “That...that would actually be a good twist. It would take some revisions to make her less obvious, but that could almost completely make her interesting.”
“Well, luckily she doesn’t join him, or else this would all be for nothing.” Maria snuggled a pillow to her chest, “She also ripped off Harry and the DA. I can’t remember how many people we’re in the DA in total, but having a specially trained group isn’t something you make on a whimsy. I really can’t see a bunch of eleven year-olds all agreeing to something like that, not seriously anyway.”
“But they weren’t normal eleven year-olds. They all graduated early, and were fully trained aurors by sixth year,” Miah said while rolling her eyes.
Maria gave a derivative snort. “Yeah, and look where they all are now? Dead. For being so good, they sure pulled the Redshirt card quickly. I seem to remember Harry’s group in Order of the Phoenix taking on Death Eaters and not dying.”
Mark nodded. “Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned in there somewhere. No matter how much power you have, or are given, being simply smart will still prevail.”
Miah snorted. “You mean too much power to be a world class bitch. The canons have got to be at least thirty-five percent OOC just for putting up with her attitude. I hope Cadmar doesn’t pick that up from being possessed.”
“He’d better not,” Maria growled, “or I’ll have to beat it outta him.” Maria then looked saddened and her ears drooped. “I also hope he doesn’t hate us for this happening, or become angsty or hateful.”
Miah scooted over to Maria, and gave her hug from the side. “I’m sure he’ll be all right in time.”
The epiphany literally flew from Miah’s hand while she was talking to Maria, and hit Mark square in the forehead. “I realize we must destroy all foreign objects from the canon, but we must also return the canon ones as well...including Voldemort’s wand.”
Miah accepted the epiphany back, and stuffed it deep inside the pack. “I have no idea how this thing keeps getting out...or even how it keeps ending up in my Pack. Also, we have to approach Voldemort, and we don’t have an RA to make a portal and toss it to him? We’re totally screwed.”
Maria perked up a bit from Miah’s hug. “Well...we DO have a house elf who is pro-pure-blood. I don’t think he would be too troubled.”
“Yes,” Mark said, sounding relieved. “I am glad he was willing to help us in exchange for getting the ‘filthy blood-traitor’ out of the house.”
“I can kind of understand Kreacher not being too upset over the Sue killing Harry, but I still can’t get over how okay with it everyone else was.” Miah yawned again. “Let’s go to sleep. That crazy Sue gets up at six a.m., and maybe she finally does something again tomorrow.
0*0*0*0
Blaise and Cadmar stayed in Harry's room. Every hour of every day unless they were mealtimes. Ginny stayed there as well, providing us with some conversation. But mostly, we were silent. Blaise and Cadmar would just watch each other, but he would secretly sneak peaks at Harry. Cadmar still felt awfully and totally OOC guilty that he had been the one to kill him. But now, he was well enough to wake up, he just wasn't. he didn't know why and neither did the others.
“I hope we will not get in trouble, Cadmar technically did kill Harry,” Mark said while clearing the sleep from his eyes.
“You’re just a regular ray of sunshine, aren’t you?” Miah asked. “At least we don’t have to take Harry to Medical, maybe no one back at HQ will think about that?”
“Hey, how’s Cadmar doing? I can’t see from behind you two!” Maria was hopping slightly to see over their shoulders.
Miah took a good look at Cadmar. “He’s kind of glassy eyed. Didn’t react too strongly over Blaise kissing him. How bad do you think it is?”
“On a scale of one to ten? Seven,” Mark said, receiving a nod from Maria.
"Come on, I have a plan for us," Blaise told Cadmar that night. We were sitting back in our usual spots, in the far corner from Harry's bed. "It will definately take your mind of everything."
"What is it?" Cadmar asked, curious. He was still watching his Mark, his eyes tracing the snake up and down as it curled around the skull in the same direction over and over again. I was trying to grow used to it.
“She sure was pissed when she found out Blaise was a Death Eater, even if he was a spy for Dumbledore, not that he needed another spy.” Maria snatched a Random Shiny from under the bed.
Miah shook her head, and said simply, “Unreliable narrator.”
He took Cadmar’s arm and apparated. When they landed, Cadmar gasped for breath and glared at Blaise at the same time.
"You could have warned me!" he whispered furiously, looking around. We were in the middle of a field, the center of which held a few swings and slides, as well as some monkey bars. Off in the distance, Cadmar saw a schoolyard, with a little dirt path to connect the two. "Where are we?"
"Kansas, in America. I figured it was safe enough," he flashed Cadmar a smile. "Come on."
“Apparation over continents is not possible, not as bad as going to another galaxy, but still.” Mark said.
Maria snickered. “Hey Mark, looks like we ARE in Kansas after all!”Mark groaned.
“Obligatory joke here.” Miah began singing, “Somewhere over the rainbow...” The others groaned and she stopped, grinning broadly. “So you guys saw someone apparate to another galaxy? What was the justification for that?”
“Ginny needed to find Harry, who grew up into John Sheppard, because Voldemort was alive, because they never destroyed the locket horcrux. I think, anyway...” Maria looked puzzled for a second. “Oh well, not important.”
Miah stared at her blankly. “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Please tell me you killed it?”
“Of course! Well, The Rope killed the replacement Harry/John, I got to kill the replacement VampireLike!Voldemort.”
“You’ll definitely have to tell me more about it later. Sounds like a crazy run.”
"They've always come true. Unless I can get her to stay home without telling her the truth. . ."
"Get her pregnant," Blaise chuckled. "Brew that potion my mom tried to make for you, remember that? The potion that she claimed would fix all your problems. And then you found the book and didn't drink it. If you get her pregnant, she can't fight. Molly would never let her. And if you get her pregnant with Harry's kid. . . It'd be far too dangerous."
“Flaming Denethor! That’s it. She’s going to die. Like immediately,” Miah started for the door, then realized that the Sue and Not!Blaise were still in Kansas and she had no way to get to Kansas to kill the Sue without the fic.
“You see our dilemma,” Mark said in a tone that made Miah want to throw things at him again. “Though, I was wondering how you were planning on getting all the way to where she is across the ocean?”
Miah growled at Mark and looked like she was contemplating turning her anger toward him in the short term.
“Hey! Hey! C’mon, we just have to wait a bit longer!” Maria said in an attempt to play peace-maker betwewn he two.
"I'd have to tell Molly what I'm doing and my vision then," I whispered. "I can't go behind all of their backs. She has to know at least."
"Then you tell Molly. But the less people you tell, the better."
Mark snorted. “She suddenly cares about what they think now. How nice.”
“Let’s see, canon equals, ‘Stay away from my daughter, you bitch!’ What do you want to bet that in this fic, that’s not Molly’s reaction?” Miah said.
“I’ll bet the new shiny thing I have,” Maria said with an assured nod. “I bet Mrs Weasley makes them tell Harry, though.”
I sighed and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Be careful, please. I'll talk to Molly." He nodded and before I knew it, I was alone. I apparated back to Grimmauld Place and saw Ginny hugging a stiff Harry.
“So how does Cadmar feel about getting kissed by guys? Is this going to be one more thing he’s going to be pissed at us about?” Miah said watching Blaise kiss Cadmar again.
“Umm, I hope not? Maybe he’ll be so out of it he won’t remember most of it?” Maria asked hopefully.
“With our luck in this mission? I doubt it.” Mark replied.
“Wait a minute...Harry is, you know, ‘up’. I don’t think being killed should have that effect on someone. Talk about you deadly kinks...” Maria stuck out her tongue, “Ick.”
They were a little cautious, but eventually obeyed. "Now, I had a vision of Ginny dying," I started bluntly, "A few weeks ago, yes, but it is still a vision. She can't fight in the battle, and Blaise and I came up with a way to stop her."
"You're not going to kill her too!" Harry said quickly.
“Well, it seems that Harry is at least somewhat aware of how the Sue operates. Murder is the Best Option indeed,” Mark said with an exaggerated sagely nod.
"Killing Order members isn't my forte. Besides, I'm thinking something a little more procreative. We get her pregnant." Molly was about to protest, before I continued. "With a potion. This potion will get her pregnant, and also ensure that she doesn't fight. We have five weeks and she's not old enough, nor strong enough to survive. She dies in my vision. She has to stay here."
Molly gasped, horrified, "She dies?"
"Yes, which is why this has to happen."
“So, they don’t think of, I dunno, restraining her, knocking her out, sleeping potion. Nope, let’s knock her up,” Maria said with a scowl.
"Molly, I'll do everything I can to support her. I swear to you, I love her and I'll never leave her. If she's going to die in the war, then we have to stop it. And if you're okay with this, then I'm okay with this."
Molly seemed to be taking deep calming breaths. "Oh, my baby. She can't die. She can't. Anything. Anything at all."
Mark sighed. “If she did not cook those well-described meals earlier, and was not so nice, she would be a replacement, no doubt. However, I am charging for giving consent for such a plan.”
“Let’s kill it right now. Please?” Miah looked at the other two agents and started for the door.
“One more night won’t hurt, I believe,” Mark said while double-checking the checklist. “I believe we have enough charges by the way.”
Maria made a whiny noise and handed Miah her Random Shiny.
Miah paused in pulling her tranquilizer gun. “Shiiiiiinyyyyy.”
"Since everyone's alive and well again," I smile, nodding towards Harry, "I've decided to toughen our trainings up. So if you'll please change into your bathing suits and meet me out in the garden in a half hour, that would be lovely, thank you."
“Wow, no time for play, dude just died, but no time for resting! We have training!” Maria pumped a fist in the air.
“She's going to be alone for a full half hour, let's just take her down, now. And no Random Shiny distractions this time,” Miah said looking at Maria.
“Yeah, I guess it’s time to see if magic can actually fix a Dummy.” Maria pulled the dummy out as they walked out to the pool to wait in ambush of the Sue.
Leaving them excited, I went to my room and quickly changed into a black bikini. I've never worn anything like this since I was captured by the Carrows. My scars showed dominately on my back. The mugglebirn ashes forever embeded in my neck were also upon the scars in my back. Amycus and Alecto Carrow was elegantly written to all sides of the scars Celtic knot like design.
“Uh, guys...” Miah began. “Um, Cadmar, Cadmar has um.” Miah waved her hands awkwardly over her chest. “He’s uh, he’s a-a-a she!”
Mark made a noise somewhere in-between a choke and a laugh. He sobered when he saw the scarring that suddenly appeared on Cadmar’s back. “I believe you I will secure the door Miah, we need the canons to stay away.”
Maria gasped. “OhgodI’mtheworstleaderever!” she put her head in her hands.
“...Medical can fix it?” Miah finally ventured in an effort to calm Maria down.
Mark crept over to the door, locking it shut. he waved an arm to Miah and Maria, hoping to get their attention, while the possessed, and now genderbent Cadmar was busy staring blankly into space waiting for the canons to arrive.
“Maria? Maria! Come on. Medical can’t fix him if we don’t get him to them. Let’s get that Sue out of him before we have a bunch of canons to deal with at the same time.”
“R-right!” Maria stood up, and got a hold of herself. “So, she doesn’t have her wand, and is all alone...Crash Dummy! I choose you!” The Crash Dummy hit the ground, and began inflating. To all three agents relief, it held. The slight sparkling around Cadmar flew to the dummy, which took on the look of a very shocked Heather. As soon as the Author Wraith had left him, Cadmar collapsed to her hands and knees.
Maria was quickly at Cadmar’s side, making sure he...no, SHE was alright. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please be okay!”
Miah grabbed one of the Sue’s arms and twisted it up behind her back. “Mark, restraints before she recalls all of her claims, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course,” Mark held out his arm, and The Rope slithered out, wrapping around Heather’s arms and tying them securely. After Miah had gagged the Sue with a cloth, both agents turned their heads as they heard some laughter coming from Cadmar.
Miah looked up at Cadmar, who was laughing more and more hysterically. The laughter was interspersed with sobbing. She slowly got off the Sue and positioned herself in front of the Sue. Still moving slowly, she unholstered her tranquilizer gun. “Maria,” she said in a low, calm voice. “Maria, what comforts Cadmar?”
“U-um, ah...hugs...I think...” Maria reached forward slowly and put a hand on Cadmar’s shoulder. Cadmar’s head snapped up and looked around. As her eyes locked with the gagged and bound Heather, she let out a scream of anger and launched herself at the Sue.
Miah drew her tranquilizer gun and fired--a second too slow. She missed Cadmar by a hair, and was knocked aside by Cadmar.
Cadmar pounced on the Sue when she was close enough, avoiding a tackle from Mark. The genderbent agent opened her mouth wide and aimed for Heather’s neck, when-
Pathew!
-she was hit by a tranquliser dart. She looked confused for a second before she was tackled by Maria. By the time Maria got off of her, Cadmar was out cold.
“Anybody got some soft-ish restraints? Just in case he, uh, she isn’t any calmer when h-she wakes up? And where did those teeth come from?” Miah said as she re-loaded and holstered her gun.
Maria dragged the unconscious Cadmar over to a corner. “Don’t worry, I’ll watch over hi-her. He...SHE had a mishap with Luxury on a Bad Slash mission.” Maria paused, and looked back to them. “Maybe we should take care of the canons and OCs first?”
Miah saw the way Maria was looking at Cadmar, and nodded. “Yeah, we’ll get them before he wakes up. She! Before she wakes up. Here.” Miah pulled a blanket and pillow out of her pack. She shrugged. “It’s the least I can do to make her more comfortable.”
0*0*0*0
Ten minutes later, the canons had been fixed, and were all resting off a bad nightmare they would forget quickly. Kreacher had been only too happy to return the Dark Lord’s wand, and Nagini had been retrieved from the plot hole without incident, well, almost.
Mark and Kreacher appeared back in Sirius’ room in Grimmauld Place. Miah took one look at Mark with his torn and bloody shirt, and went into first aid mode. “That’s a lot of blood. Here, sit on the bed, and I’ll see how bad it is. I can do basic stitches, but if it’s too deep, we’ll have to risk a Muggle hospital since we’ve got no way to HQ.”
“I am fine,” Mark replied, moving his torn shirt a bit so they could see the skin underneath, which looked fine, aside from a large amount of old looking scars. “I cannot be killed by something as trivial as a snake bite or blood loss. Nagini has been returned to Voldemort, along with his wand. I trust you are done here as well?”
Maria sniffed a couple of times and covered her nose. “Yeah, canons all back where they should be, Dumbledore is dead again, and the OCs are all accounted for.” She pointed to Cindy, Belle, Aurora, and Blaise, who were all tied up and gagged. “Your blood stinks.”
“I keep forgetting that not quite human thing, Mark. Thank goodness in this case. Wait, you were bitten by Nagini?” Miah whistled, “That’s a pretty good quirk you’ve got going there.” Miah looked at Cadmar, who was beginning to stir on the bed. She thought about the look in Cadmar’s eyes as he tried to rip the Sue’s throat out. She shook her head. She was so not letting Cali hang out with him until he got some therapy.
“Muh...nnn...” Cadmar slowly rose and looked around groggily. “M-Maria?”
“Cadmar!” Maria tackled him onto the bed, hugging her tightly and repeating ‘I’m sorry’ over and over.
“Wah! What’s going...on?” Cadmar put her hands to her throat, and looked confused.
“How are you feeling, Cadmar?” Miah asked tentatively.
“Miah? Why are you here? What the hell is going on? Why does my voice sound so weird? the last thing I remember is....” Cadmar gasped. “What...what happened?” she asked with dread.
Miah, seeing that Maria was still holding onto Cadmar tightly while repeating ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again, and that Mark was awkwardly trying to focus on the charge list. “Uh, Cadmar, not sure how to say this, exactly. You were possessed by the Sue, and um, there were some, er, changes made...”
“Changes? What...” Cadmar grabbed her hair, looking shocked to see that it was now much longer, and darker. “Oh, aheh, well, nothing a hair cut can’t fix right?”
“We-ell it goes a bit deeper than that. But I’m sure it can be fixed. I mean Medical can do almost anything, right?” Miah took a deep breath and before the look of dread could deepen too much further, she rushed out, “You were turned into a girl. Oh gods, I’m sorry.”
Cadmar looked at Miah in utter shock. After moving Maria away, who hung her head in shame, Cadmar saw the...additions that weren’t there before. Cadmar’s mouth opened and closed as she tried to form words.
“It happened at the last second! I swear!” Maria burst out. “You were fine, aside from the hair you were okay until we actually went to use the Dummy on you.” she babbled out quickly.
“Why did...it take so long? I..I don’t...” Cadmar was still not fully recovered from the shock of finding out he was now a she.
“The Dummy was broken beyond repair, and the Remote Activators are also a loss. We finally got Kreacher to magic the Dummy fixed, but...and...now...you’re a girl.” Miah floundered to a stop.
Cadmar groaned and put her face in her hands. “Let me take a guess, most of that is my fault?”
“Uhhhh...” Miah looked desperately at Mark and Maria for guidance.
Maria gave Cadmar a bit more space, but remained on top of her. “Well, kinda? I like, don’t mean DIRECTLY your fault, but sort of in a accidental wa-” Maria was cut off from her babbling when Cadmar started chuckling.
Miah moved to a more defensive position in front of the Sue--just in case.
Cadmar wiped a tear from her eye. “Maria...hahah, Maria you’re so cute and funny when you’re all flaily and babbling.” Cadmar sighed. “Don’t worry Maria, I’m a big boy...girl, I won’t snap for it being my fault.”
Miah still kept a careful watch on Cadmar, but said, “We need to get this Sue charged and these OCs dealt with.”
Cadmar looked to the OCs and twitched a bit. “Y-yeah, right. So uh, I can’t really remember much after Miah saying I looked pretty or something, but ah, they are tied up conveniently and probably won’t be able to fight back.” she said with a gleam in her eye.
Maria got off of Cadmar and helped her up. “Well, we should probably see the charges first, before jumping the gun.”
Mark took this as his cue to enter the conversation. “Yes. Belle, Aurora, and Cindy. You are charged with being part of a non-canon group who are recognised as threats to Voldemort for no reason, for being described as if you were greatly skilled, when you have not displayed any such prowess. Individually, Cindy is charged with displaying stupidity by fighting Fenrir on a full moon and describing it as the best thing to ever happen to you.”
“Huh. You know guys, they really didn’t gather many charges. Not enough to kill them,” Miah said. She turned to the three girls. “Listen, you have three choices. You can throw in with Heather the Sue over there, and die.” She looked over at Cadmar’s shark grin. “Probably less than pleasantly. You can let us erase your memories--in a painless, instantaneous procedure unlike your ’friend’ over there would give you. Or you can come with us.
“We are agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We are tasked with saving Word Worlds from threats and leeches like this thing.” Miah poked the Sue with her toe. “The pay is terrible. The food is terrible. The work hours are sadistic. Our bosses are giant sentient Flowers who enjoy having us work with people we don’t like. And this is still the greatest job in all the universes.”
All three girls looked expectantly at Mark, who stared back for a moment, until realizing he still had The Rope gagging them. “Sorry.” he said as he made a hand gesture, and The Rope moved out from their mouths.
Cindy spit some thread out of her mouth. “What do you mean ‘like our friend’?”
Mark looked at her, and raised an eyebrow. “Do you not remember signing a contract with Heather?” The three girls all nodded while looking at Heather curiously, who looked back, showing no guilt. “It was in the contracts you signed that, should you choose to quit, she could erase all memories of your time with the dragons, all the training, spells, simply hanging around. Everything.” All three girls looked at Heather with shocked and betrayed faces.
“So, I know that at least you, Cindy, aren’t particularly happy with her. What do you say? Oh yeah, we can deal with the little werewolf problem.” Miah said.
Cindy looked at them hopefully. “Really?”
Maria smiled and nodded. “Yeah! We have Medical, which can solve all problems. Well, except death, but still, that won’t be a problem.” she moved forward and kneeled in front of Cindy. “You don’t have to worry about being picked on or shunned for being a werewolf there, we have were-penguins, and a lot of crazier stuff. Here, it may be a lot tougher. But, if you decide to stay, I promise we’ll do our best to set you up so you won’t have to worry.”
Cindy looked to Aurora and Belle. ‘What about you two? I’d rather stick with you guys, I...I like all the time we’ve spent together.”
“Also, Belle, you aren’t going to die next week, and you don’t have to kiss anyone else to prevent it.” Miah shuddered at the thought of kissing over twenty-one million people.
Mark looked at Aurora. “And you...don’t really have a problem. However, the choice is up to you.”
The girls looked at each other, and held a silent conversation. “We’ll go with you, but only if we can all go together,” Cindy said with resolve.
“Okay! That’s settled then! Mark, untie them.” Maria said with a smile. The Rope slid off of the three OCs, who stood and stepped away form Blaise, who Cadmar was looking at with an increasing glare.
About this time, Blaise who had been rather quiet up until now, began thrashing and mumbling through the gag, indicating that he wanted to be released also.
“What are we going to do with him? You know before Cadmar does something for us,” Miah said pointing out the way Cadmar was looking at the OC.
Maria made a thoughtful noise. “Well, he is a replacement. Blaise Zambini-” Maria was cut off when an irate Zambini appeared at her legs. “Oh, sorry, we must have missed you while we were waiting for Heather to do something wrong.” Zambini scuttled over to Miah and crawled up her leg and onto her back, where it settled between Alistair, Ginevra, and Sectumsemra.
“Anyway, Blaise Zambini, you are charged with...” Maria snatched the charge list from Mark, “With being a replacement, for being a spy within Voldemort’s inner circle despite being young, and for apparating to another continent. Geez, you guys really didn’t do much wrong.”
Miah sighed, rolled her eyes, and handed a piece of bacon to Zambini. “Comfortable there, you lot?” Not waiting for an answer from the minis, she turned to Maria and said, “At least not yet. I was all ready to kill him, but his worst transgressions never happened.” She gave the OC a stern look. “You heard the options. What say you, Not!Blaise?” Miah asked the OC in an official sounding voice.
“I’d rather like to just forget all this actually, maybe you could just drop me off in Italy? This all sounds rather crazy, well, that and I think the scary Heather wants to kill me,” Not!Blaise said, while rubbing his wrists to restore the blood flow.
Cadmar snarled. “You’re damn right, you kissed me, and...oh my god! I KISSED YOU! I’LL KILL YOU!” Cadmar was held back by Maria, who pinned him to the bed.
“Hey! Hey! Calm down! Listen, you can choose what to do with Heather!” Maria said to Cadmar, who stopped struggling. “Anything you want, except torture.”
Cadmar sighed and nodded. Maria got off of her and walked in front of Heather.
“Heatherlyn Brizailius Draconus, you are charged with with making over twenty OCs, for having over twenty invisibility cloaks, for having Dumbledore somehow alive during Harry’s seventh year, and for generally screwing the timeline up, for making Voldemort able to turn into his eighteen year old body, for knowing things like the prophecy, Voldemort’s true name, the horcruxes, and other canon information that you couldn’t have realistically known. For being a niece of Remus Lupin, for stealing Voldemort’s wand, for being able to see the future, for knowing Harry is a horcrux out of the blue, for having a basilisk dagger, for being able to apparate to Grimmauld Place, for being able to apparate to Kansas, for being able to redirect a Killing Curse. Phew.” Maria slumped onto the bed and handed Miah the charge list. “Tag out,” Maria said while gasping.
“Wait, basilisk dagger?” Cadmar looked at Heather with mixed hate and interest, “What happened to that?”
Mark pulled it out from within his cloak. “Right here. It is much more useful in my hands, as I have much experience with knife fighting.”
Cadmar nodded and only looked slightly put out. A look of surprise, and then annoyance appeared on her face when her hair slid in front of her face. “Well, this is weird.”
Miah consulted the charge list and began, “For starting to train at age eight, which is not allowed, with somehow having a wand and school books to train with at age eight, which is in turn, unlikely and illegal. For having Lupin not know that you were training. For finishing all of Beuaxbaton’s course work in three years, for learning wandless and voiceless magic at age thirteen, for claiming to be an unregistered animagus, for getting ‘auror’ training for yourself and your cult members, for being recruited by Mad-Eye Moody without having to work for the Ministry. For making us think about Mad-Eye having sex with Snape’s mother while he watched. For making the implication that Mad-Eye was your father. Hmm, Let’s see...”
Miah shuffled through the pages of Mark’s writing, and found her place again. “You are charged with making up wildly uncanon spells, to wit, a resurrection spell, mass death spell, healing, and a hellhole spell. You said that light can be black, you made a football field sized track inside a house--it isn’t a mile around a football field either, twit. You named all your OCs after Disney Princesses, for not caring when twelve of your ‘sisters’ were killed in battle. For killing Gabrielle Delacour, and Harry Potter, even though you did bring him back. For ‘knowing’ that he had exactly three percent chance to live through the horcrux being destroyed. For making up a love’s first kiss killing curse, and forcing Belle to kiss all the men in France when that equals to over twenty-one million men between fifteen and sixty-four.” Miah paused. “Geez, you really are terrible.”
She took a deep breath and started reading again. “For having an angsty past, in the form of a murdered boyfriend and lost pregnancy, and in being captured and tortured by Voldemort’s inner circle, for using the word mudblood repeatedly for the express purpose of pissing people off, for Ron bashing, for knowing the difference between the Fred and George and still calling them Twin 1 and Twin 2. For being offered a place in Voldemort’s inner circle, even though you are clearly an enemy. For making a plan to get Ginny pregnant, for making your potion make her three months overnight, for having Molly react with fear and tears over a threat to her daughter, and agree that getting her knocked up was the only way to keep her safe. You own a book on horcruxes, you are an unreliable narrator, you constantly tell instead of show--thanks for that by the way, you’d be a lot harder to deal with if you didn’t.” Miah looked around. “Anything else guys? I mean other than annoying PPC agents, of course.”
“I think that covers it all. Okay, Cadmar: how do you want to deal with her?” Maria asked while picking up the restrained Sue and calling for Kreacher.
“She made a hellhole spell right?” Cadmar asked, while trying to get her hair to stay out of her face.
“Yeah.”
“So, why don’t we show her a real hellhole?” Cadmar asked with a smile.
“That place in Siberia? Is it real?” Miah asked just as Kreacher entered.
“They want to put the filthy blood traitor in the ground? Deep in the ground where the fires burn. Kreacher knows the place. Kreacher take them, and then Mistress’s house be free of their filth.”
“Of course it is!” Cadmar got up, blew the hair out of her face, and smiled brightly. “Well, I think we should all go to hell.”
0*0*0*0
Next appearance: Dragon Lady, part 3
Disclaimer: We do not own the PPC. It was created by Jay and Acacia--the original Assassins. The text below is a review in narrative form and also contains elements of parody/satire. Neither of us own Harry Potter, which is the property of J.K.Rowling. My Dragons Your Phoenix His Death Eaters and Heather, are owned by XxX Fleur-Delacour XxX. She may keep both.
This is a co-write between Caddy-shack and me. Read more of his stuff, too!
Caddy-shack’s Notes: Well, this started off as a Solo, with a cameo of Cali in the follow-up Interlude, and changed to me co-writing with Miah, and having a good time. Talk about good changes.
Sporked by: Cadmar, Mark, Maria, and Miah.
Rating: M for Much things happen.
Previous appearance: Dragon Lady, part 1
Dragon Lady
"Keep working on it til you get it," I barked. "Twin Two! Impress me!"
Twin One went to another corner of the room. Twin Two, or Fred, smirked and raised his wand, producing a Donkey flawlessly.
"Wonderful," Cadmar said dryly. "Serpensortia."
He flicked his wand and the snake flung itself at me. Cadmar, without a second of panic, nor hesitation, flicked his wand and it erupted into flames at his feet. "Protego."
A silver shield was produced.
“She seems to change personality quickly. Like Eva.” Mark said, while helping Maria with the few matches there were.
"Terantegello Terentia Lucifus."
His eyes narrowed, "That's Dark Magic," he said confused.
"Someone's been paying attention. Yes it is. not perform it. What does it do? How is it recognized? How can you stop it?"
"It literally opens a whole in the ground under you and drags you to hell. The light is black. And by jumping away from the pit."
"Very good, practice others with Twin One. Granger!"
“She can obviously tell them apart. How glaurunging hard is it to then learn their names?” Miah said grumpily.
Maria paused and looked fearfully at Cadmar, who was starting to look different, aside from the high heels and hair. “I...I REALLY hope she can’t actually drag someone to hell. That seems like a huge breach of canon.”
Mark gave a short cry as he burnt his finger. “I would also like to point out that light cannot be black. I do not think a CAD reading will be needed after this, even if we haven’t used it yet. If they are willing to accept her, while she is willing to use a spell that can drag a person to hell, all the characters are OOC.”
“Here, let me see your finger, Mark. I’ve got some burn stuff. And don’t worry, this wasn’t made for burnt tongues,” Miah said, as she removed a small tube of ointment from her pack.
“It is quite alright.” Mark extended his finger to show her, “See?”
Miah put the tube away. “Not quite human, huh? Okay.”
"Well, since lunch is in an hour, that gives us a half hour to spare after running," I said brightly. I swished my wand, transfiguring my clothes to a T-shirt and shorts. Their clothes with mine to work out clothes as well.
The red-heads and Harry grumbled. Granger looked eager. She's a knowledge craver. I led them to the back garden and muttered a spell. The green scenery changed to a long Quidittch field like arena. Only there was a track. I sent pink smoke to my Dragon's, informing them to start running. I took off on the track, the lost Order struggling to keep up.
"Pace yourselves. Five miles," I reminded them as we completely two laps. On this track, though, that was equivalent to two miles.
“Grimmauld Place did not have a back garden, if I recall correctly. And transfiguring it into a mile long course is very...” Mark trailed off.
“Dumb?” Maria offered.
“To put it bluntly. A charge for creating a geographical aberration should suffice.”
“Well, at least he’s getting some exorcise right?” Maria said as she watched Cadmar. “We’re out of matches, but he should be fine. I don’t think anything too bad will happen to heather, if being given a tattoo is her idea of torture.”
The still-possessed Cadmar then declared training over, and all the canons followed him upstairs, where they ate dinner, and talked about who they would kill at the final battle. The agents followed them and hid in the kitchen.
“I don’t think that’s something you talk about at a dinner with so many people around” Maria said in disgust. “Killing isn’t really a table topic.”
“He doesn’t get to keep these abilities does he? I don’t think we need a Cadmar that can open pits straight to Hell in HQ. The Flowers have a thing against fire,” Miah said.
"No, I get Dolohov and Amycus," Cadmar said fiercly. They will pay for what they did to me.
“It was only a tattoo, why is she so angry about it?” Mark shook his head. “She has made little sense so far, I should not be trying to figure her out.”
“I hope not Miah, he’d start finding excuses to use it all the time. Well, we could make him forget he can do it, if it comes to that.” Maria cracked her knuckles. “I have ways of making people forget things.”
Miah inched toward the kitchen in search of food. “There might be a lot of things in this experience that he should forget. Also, the CAD might explode if we were to point it at Hermione right now. Since when has she enjoyed thoughts of torturing people?”
"I want Greyback," Cindy murmured. "He will pay for what he did to me."
Granger's eyes lit up in understanding, "You're a werewolf." It wasn't a questions, but a statement needed confirming.
Cinderella smiled, "Yes. Greyback and I got into a little scuffle two years ago on a full moon. It's probably been the best thing to happen to me. I understand Remus is a werewolf."
“...She’s calling being viciously attacked by a werewolf, and becoming one, the best thing to ever happen to her? Seriously?! I was under the impression that there was a lot of prejudice against werewolves, like, a lot. Enough to make them ally with the Dark Lord because it was better than living with the government.” Maria took a few more Bleeprin. “Seriously, adding an affliction to characters doesn’t make them instantly cool.”
“I’m pretty sure that it isn’t even polite dinner conversation to mention werewolves, and Remus probably doesn’t appreciate her reminding everyone to think about him and the full status.” Miah said from near the pantry.
"I want Lucius," Belle smirked. "The battles a week before my twentieth birthday. I"ll make the most of it."
She was hit with an irreversable curse that Lucius gave her when she was a newborn. The spell can only be broken by true love's first kiss by her twentieth birthday. She gave up hope after kissing every male she laid eyes on and nothing happened. She nearly had all of France tied to her finger as not her true love.
“Tell me that’s not canon. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Also, poor girl. Do you have any idea how many men are in France?” Miah paused for a moment. “That’s almost twenty-one million men in the fifteen to sixty-four age range. Do you think she stuck to those ranges?”
Maria seethed, “What. the. Hell! My God, that is so cheesy and STUPID!” She turned furiously to Miah. “Seriously, that has got to be the WORST idea ever! Why would an author purposely do that to a female character? And why does it have to be a man? How is ‘True Love’ decided by the curse?” Maria grabbed a random plate and broke in in half.
Mark coughed. “I should hope she stuck to that age group, the implications otherwise are...unpleasant. I do not believe either her on Cindy have done anything wrong, they are redeemable. Though I do not think leaving them here would be wise.”
Miah nodded. “Especially Cindy. Look at all the trouble Lupin has lived with.”
Maria nodded, calming down slightly, “Yeah, and Belle will probably be sick of here when the Author Wraith is gone too. Being forced to do that sounds horrible. That entire curse sounds so ridiculous, I doubt it’ll work once the Suefluence is gone.”
"Rowle," Aurora muttered. She gave no explanation, just the name. She never gave no explanations. I've learnt to deal with it.
"Why?" Granger asked anyway.
"He hurt me beyond repair. And he should pay."
I was surprised she actually answered. The truth was always given from her, and I could tell if she was lying. This time, she wasn't. I only wondered what Rowle did to her.
Mark hid the broken pieces of the plate in a drawer. “I do not see anything wrong with Aurora either. Being vague and mysterious is not bad.”
“Kind of like you, huh?” Miah said. “Also, do you notice that the characters are contradicting her, and that she suddenly sounds like she’s speaking from inside one of those ‘In Soviet Russia...’ jokes?”
"Scabior," Fleur whispered. "'ee killed my seester."
“I deed not heet her!” Maria said in a Tommy Wiseau voice.
“We must find Gabrielle...somehow. I don’t recall her dying.” Mark said.
Maria tilted her head to the side. “Waaaaaait a minute, the werewolf girl’s name in Cindy, or Cinderella, then there is Belle, and Aurora, and Jazmine from earlier...”
Miah sang (badly), “I can show you the world, Shining, shimmering, splendid...”
Maria lunged forward and captured Miah in a tight hug, “Eee! I love that song! and yeah, they’re all named after Disney princesses. That’s really silly. You should come to a karaoke night with me and Luxury some time, Miah!”
Miah squirmed out of the hug. “Luxury is pretty, um, enthusiastic, isn’t she?”
“Yeah! We can have like, a Charlie’s Angel theme too!”
“Didn’t they wear leather? Like really tight leather?” Miah pulled on the collar of her t-shirt.
Maria grinned. “Awww yeah!”
Mark cleared his throat. “If you two are quite done, there is-”
Alastair glared at me from across the table.
"I can tell you stories that will make even your toes curl, princess," he grumbled.
"Oh, I don't doubt you can, Alastair," Cadmar laughed. "You could scare about just about anyone."
"It's what I aim for."
"You did make Severus run one day, if I remeber correctly. "Cospiriation with his mother."
Granger gagged, "oh gross."
Alastair laughed, "You remember correctly that, Heatherlyn. That boy never looked at me the same."
Maria gagged. “Oh gross! Ewewewew! I DO NOT want to think of Moody doing anything like that with anybody!” Maria downed a handful of Bleeprin, basking in the pleasure of her memory being purged of thoughts of Moody.
Miah forgot to worry about her collar being too tight. “Moody. And Snape’s mother. And Snape saw them? Oh, Owowowgimmesomeofthosepills!”
“No! Mine!”
Mark, deciding it best not get between the two girls fighting over the Bleeprin, pulled out a flask of Bleepka and drank half of it in one drink.
"If it were my mother, Mad-Eye," Cadmar smiled. "I wouldn't be here." he paused and smirked. "I'd probably be hanging the closet right now."
The table erupted into laughter, even Mad-Eye couldn't keep the smile off his face.
"Aye, but you'd never have become and Auror if I hadn't done something with your mother," he grinned.
Maria wailed desperately. “Dear God! He boned the Sue’s mom!”
Miah stepped back and then suddenly leapt at Maria in a flying tackle. “Bleepriiiiiiin!”
Mark downed the rest of the flask, and tried to hide his interest in the two girls rolling around in the kitchen. He was surprised none of the canons noticed.
Miah latched onto Maria’s hand to pry the bottle from her hand. Maria responded by using her other hand to tickle Miah.
“Ahahahaha. You fight--ahahaha--dirty! Come on, I’ve images of Mad-Eye Moody doing the dirty with the Sue’s mom and Snape watching going through my head. I need that stuff!”
“Oh, alright...” Maria handed the bottle over to Miah, who promptly opened it and downed a handful. “Hey Mark, if you’re done staring at us, you should probably charge for making Moody have...ungh...with people, let alone making him a gigolo.”
“I was not staring,” Mark said, glad his scarf hid his blush. “It seems the chapter has ended, they have all gone back downstairs.”
Cadmar had them sit in a circle and he sat next to Harry and Twin 2. "Now, I'm sure you all know who you want to kill," he started. "From now on, I'll train you specifically for those people. Now, six to eight, Hermione. You'll need it for Trixy and Dolohov. Eight to Ten, Red-head," he glared at me. "I mean, Ron. Ten to noon, Harry. I'll teach you everything I know about Tom, including his weaknesses. Lunch. One til three, George. Three to five, Fred. Five to seven, Ginny. Seven to nine, Occulmens for Harry."
A rather peaceful look spread on Miah’s face. “Man, that’s good stuff. So, the Sue is going to teach Harry all about Voldemort’s weaknesses, huh? Only thing he couldn’t understand was that love magic thing that kept Harry alive when he was a baby. I don’t think this chick knows anything about love, so what does she have to teach?”
“Presumably? She could teach him the hellhole spell, I am sure that would stop Voldemort.” At Maria and Miah’s looks, Mark added, “Though it would be uncanon.”
Cadmar laughed, "I started to study magic when I was eight, without a wand. Just reading only when Uncle Remus wasn't home, you see, he'd have a fit. I'd already completed the Hogwarts coursework by the time I got my letter. I had Remus enroll me in Beaubatons. I hated Tom for what he did to my paretns and I always will. I met all the girls in my year, and my first year together, we took Oaths to take Tom down. Well, his Death Eaters then, because he was dead. That's when we technically started. On my second year, I started to learn wandless magic and nonverbal magic. In third year, I became an animagi. Unregistered, of course.
“Ah, here we go. It’s time for the Standard Potter Sue checklist.” Maria sighed dramatically. “Wandless magic? Check. Non-verbal? Check. Animagus? Check. Heck, she completed the entire Hogwarts course by the time she was eleven, bonus points for her!” Maria clapped.
“Yes, because all the responsible parents of the little eleven year old French girls explained in detail all about the terrorists plaguing another country,” Miah said.
“Of course,” Mark said, “and I appreciate her summarizing her entire school life, as uncanon as it is, into one paragraph.”
"Then Tom returned to life, Fleur was first to report to me of it. Fourth year. . . I completed all wandless and nonverbal magic. I took all advanced courses and graduated early, along with most of my Dragons. That's when Alastiar heard about us and came offering to train us to be Aurors. In what would have been my fifth year, we finished our training ahead of didn't work for the Ministry, we worked for ourselves. And Tom was after us. We were tracking the Carrows. . .
“So, she is seriously expecting us to not only believe that she did all that other stuff, plus was hired by Moody, the Moody who was RETIRED at the time, to work as Aurors, despite them graduating in another country, and they not only excelled at Auror training, but did it faster then everyone, and were just ALLOWED to not join?” Maria looked at Miah, “Did I miss anything?”
“Umm. They were all underage? Oh, and this mini has been trying to get our attention for the last two scenes.” She pointed at Alistiar, who was attempting to scuttle up her leg.
"Orion and I. We accidentally ran into an ambush. At the begining of my sixth year, last year, they killed Orion. He was the only casualty. He was trying to me from a spell that I didn't see. . . The killer was Amycus. Corsica and I were furious. Corsica was Orion's sister. She was a year younger than me. . ." Cadmar took a deep breath and continued. "I was captured from behind. Amycus made me suffer. Corsica, hearing my distress call through my necklace, came and Alecto killed her. I was rescued eventually but the damage was already done. He took me to Tom before I was rescued though. He offered me a position in his Inner Circle. . . I refused.
“That was a very plot hole filled life story.” Mark flipped to a new page, “Why would only Corsica go to rescue her, and not the rest as well? All her dragons are said to have the necklaces. And most importantly, why would Voldemort offer her a position, a high up position I might add, if he knew she was after him, was highly trained, and had highly trained followers?” Mark’s hands were trembling slightly.
Miah fed Alistiar a strip of bacon and shooed it off her leg to hang out with sectumsemra, who had just arrived, very angrily, from being left behind back in chapter four. “I...I really have no words for this. Except maybe, I hate her. A lot.”
Hermione talked a bit more with Possessed!Cadmar, who was actually asleep, but was still talking and moving due to the will of the Author Wraith.
“Aw, he’s so cute when he’s asleep. Look how innocent he looks,” Miah cooed.
“Yeah, too bad he doesn’t have that stuffed duck thing.” Maria giggled.
"Legimens!" I cried.
"Protego!"
I stood stock still as my mind was molested with the memories of my past.
"Please, stop!" I cried.
The hair on the back of my neck was cut violently with a dull knife. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was sat on top of and the tip of Amycus's blade buried into the skin on the back of my neck. I cried out in pain.
"Alecto!" Amycus shouted. Alecto came in, her wand in her own hand. "Do you have the ashes of the Mudbloods?"
She tossed a small pouch to him and he took it, dumping the substance onto the wound of my skin, before healing my neck. He then proceded to cut me more. Across my bare back in long, deep lines. I screamed in pa-
I shoved my walls in place, forcing Harry out of my head.
Maria gasped and sputtered, “I..I... aah..” She got up and used a counter to keep her balance. “Oh God, we have to help him!”
Miah grabbed Maria and kept her from leaving the kitchen. “The only way to do that is to fix this Dummy, and get that Sue out of him. Now, let’s find some matches.”
“I...I promised myself I would protect him and Mark. I can’t believe...” Maria choked a sob back.
Mark was tensely silent as he was looking through the drawers quickly for anything he could find to fix the Dummy.
Miah awkwardly patted Maria on the back. “We’ll find something, and we’ll get him back.”
"Because there's a three percent chance you'll live," i said calmly. "This is for the three percenct. And if you die, well, he can still access your mind and if he does then you'll be putting all those you love in danger."
He narrowed his eyes, "Why's there only three percent?"
"Because, if Tom or someone only kill the horcrux, then you'll live. You might be knocked out cold for a while, but you could live."
"And if I don't?"
"Then you don't," I said sadly. "But your death means either we win or he does. We need you-"
“Oh dear Eru, she’s going to kill Harry. What are we going to do?” Miah said.
Mark slammed his head into a counter. “She has completely wrapped the entire story of Harry Potter around herself! Not even the leader is able to make a decision unless she suggests it! How can she possibly know the exact percentage?!”
Maria sighed. “This is useless, they have magic here, why would they have matches lying around? We should have taken muggle-use wands...”
Miah scanned the rest of the chapter. “So she tells Dumbledore she is going to kill Harry, snags the extendable ear, which, of course, she knew all about, and told the others all about. Oh, and she has a book on Horcruxes, even though they are total Dark Magic. Here, look at this.”
"Accio Horcrux book," I murmured as soon as the library door shut behind me. I started to flip through it heatedly as soon as it was in my hands. I was searching for something to destroy horcruxes in people. Somehing to ensure it. After hours of reading to no avail, I cam across a small paragraph.
"Horcruxes, if found, can only be destroyed through basilisk venom or the creator of said object. The pain the host feels before the Horcrux is destroyed is imense. A horcrux can be destroyed without killing the object. To do this, the destroyer must first kill the person, then perform a resurrection spell. The victim will return to normal, but the horcrux gone."
I gasped in disbelief. It didn't say what to use to kill him, but I believe if I cut the scar, then strike his heart, it will work. I continued reading, but found no more on the subject.
"What are you looking for?" A quiet voice asked.I dropped the book abruptly and stood up quickly.
"I-I already found it. I just have to do the ressurrection spell."
"You know the ressurrection spell?" she asked.
I nodded, "Soeul Projecto," I smiled. "It's easy enough."
“A...a resurrection spell! But, that doesn’t...How does...?” Maria sat down and put her head between her legs. “Why?” she asked in a miserable tone.
“I do not know,” Mark answered. “Introducing a resurrection spell into the world is creating a massive plot hole, though. If such a spell existed, what Dumbledore said in the fourth book was wrong, and he was lying to Harry. It begs the question of why everyone never uses it, and why the killing curse is so feared if it can be reversed.”
Miah patted Maria on the back some more. “If she can resurrect people, then why didn’t she do it with her boyfriend or ‘sisters’. You know that term makes her sound like some cult leader, right? Hey! Maybe the resurrection spell is why Dumbledore is alive!”
Maria hugged Miah normally. “Thanks. Well, we almost have enough we just need to fix the dummy. Mark, how many more charges do you think we’ll need, because she has mangled the timeline and canon.”
“We should only need a few more. At the rate the fic is going, we should be done soon.”
“So what options do we have left for fixing the Dummy? We’re out of matches. Sewing didn’t hold. We don’t have anything to patch it. We don’t have any functional Muggle-use wands, and we can’t portal to get any of these things, because both of our RAs are broken and if we leave Grimmauld Place, we couldn’t find it again. Are we actually going to have to seriously consider my idea of kidnapping, er...’recruiting’ the help of a canon character?”
Just as Miah finished talking, Kreacher shuffled into the kitchen, grumbling about no good mudbloods and blood traitors.
Maria grinned. “I think we may have a solution to our problem.”
0*0*0*0
One long, long day of nothing canon breaking happening later, the three agents were lounging in Sirius’ old room, which was unused by any of the canons. Maria was going over the repaired Dummy for the umpteenth time, Mark was reading, and Miah was sorting through the various items she had ‘obtained’ during their wait. Their long wait. Their very long wait. “Are we there yet?” Miah said exasperatedly.
“Yes,” Mark replied levelly. “In fact, we have always been technically there. For the entire mission as a matter of fact..”
Miah threw a heavy-ish brass knob at Mark, who dodged easily. “Why isn’t Cadmar completely Sued yet? He’s been possessed for quite a while now.”
Maria bit her lip, “Yeah, I was wondering that too, and I got to thinking, well, being Sued is when you do a bunch of things that are OOC, having crazy powers, and taking over the story and world, because of the possession, right?”
Both Mark and Miah nodded.
“So, it’s not like she has actually used any of the so called powers she had, the only spells with un-canon powers she has used are the healing one, the area of affect death spell, and the resurrection one. All the other spells Cadmar could possibly pull off with a Muggle-use wand, and, well, it’s not like he is acting too differently, aside from being all bi-polar with Blaise the replacement. Truth is, Miah, he wouldn’t bat an eye-lash at all the dragons dying, or even using ‘dark’ spells to do things.”
“Hmm. It’s a good thing for Cadmar that this story suffers from a serious lack of understanding the Show don’t Tell rule of writing then.”
“It would still be fortunate if we could finish this soon. Though it is too bad Kreacher could not fix our RAs.” Mark closed the book he was reading, “I have also been thinking on Heather. She is...strangely evil, for the main character of a story.”
Maria nodded, while still looking over the Dummy. “Yeah, she really makes you think she could be a Death Eater. Like, look at how she reacted when her ‘sisters’ died, she didn’t shed a single tear, or even stop in silence. Hell, she even laughed after most of them died.”
“She’s an unreliable narrator, too. Early on she said that she was better than the Dark Lord, because of the way she treated her Dragons with love and respect. Yet she doesn’t care when they die, shows no consideration of their feelings, erases their memories if they want to quit, and brags about all past ‘deserters’ quickly ending up dead.” Miah briefly wondered if Mark was now distracted enough to fail to dodge flying brick-a-brack.
“Yes, exactly.” Mark moved to the bed and lay down beside Maria on it, leaving a foot gap between them still. Maria looked at him weirdly. “I have found being close to others helps stressful situations,” he said while looking away in embarrassment.
Maria chuckled. ”Yeah, it does, doesn’t it? Anyway, she even acts a bit like Voldemort too. Verbally abusing everyone around her and treating them like tools aside, she uses dark magic for simple duels, wants to teach them all stuff like sending people to hell, kills without remorse, and has the highest grade of evil books.” Maria pulled the Horcrux Book out of the pack, “Like, you would never just find something like this hanging around.”
“Voldemort. Heather. Let’s switch their names for a while and see if anyone notices,” Miah said, and then yawned widely.
‘When you can switch the names of the protagonist and the Big Bad, and it is hard to tell the difference, you may wish to rethink them.” Mark made himself comfortable.
Maria nodded. “Yeah. She also has Kewl back-story. Like, learned magic before she got her letter? Last time I checked, they weren’t allowed wands until they were starting school. Like, you couldn’t even legally get one, and I would not buy her borrowing someone else’s.”
“Riiiii-iight,” Miah drawled. “I really buy that she not only finished all of that course work, alone, but that she did it without Remus knowing, or any access to the books. Really, what are the odds that he had all of the school books from Hogwarts lying about his home?”
Maria snorted. “That’s even assuming he had a home, or one a child could live in. Come to think of it, I don’t think the Ministry of Magic would let a werewolf raise a child like that. I mean, it’s never mentioned if they were allowed to adopt kids, but the prejudice was pretty big.”
“Not to mention that she could not have learned non-verbal and wand-less magic, or even understood the theory much, before sixth year. Especially in her second year.” Mark rested his hands underneath his head. “She also claims to have become an animagus in third year, yet she has never mentioned it again, or shown what her animal form is. She seems to only have that power to one-up the Marauders.”
“Oh yeah, we forgot one thing she claims: she ‘knows’ the future. Or at least she knows the date of the final battle.” The epiphany escaped the pack and hit Miah in the head again. “Hey! Given her affinity for the Dark Lord, maybe she planned it out with him. That makes more sense than her being able to take Voldemort’s wand and foretell the final battle.”
Mark looked at her with wide eyes. “That...that would actually be a good twist. It would take some revisions to make her less obvious, but that could almost completely make her interesting.”
“Well, luckily she doesn’t join him, or else this would all be for nothing.” Maria snuggled a pillow to her chest, “She also ripped off Harry and the DA. I can’t remember how many people we’re in the DA in total, but having a specially trained group isn’t something you make on a whimsy. I really can’t see a bunch of eleven year-olds all agreeing to something like that, not seriously anyway.”
“But they weren’t normal eleven year-olds. They all graduated early, and were fully trained aurors by sixth year,” Miah said while rolling her eyes.
Maria gave a derivative snort. “Yeah, and look where they all are now? Dead. For being so good, they sure pulled the Redshirt card quickly. I seem to remember Harry’s group in Order of the Phoenix taking on Death Eaters and not dying.”
Mark nodded. “Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned in there somewhere. No matter how much power you have, or are given, being simply smart will still prevail.”
Miah snorted. “You mean too much power to be a world class bitch. The canons have got to be at least thirty-five percent OOC just for putting up with her attitude. I hope Cadmar doesn’t pick that up from being possessed.”
“He’d better not,” Maria growled, “or I’ll have to beat it outta him.” Maria then looked saddened and her ears drooped. “I also hope he doesn’t hate us for this happening, or become angsty or hateful.”
Miah scooted over to Maria, and gave her hug from the side. “I’m sure he’ll be all right in time.”
The epiphany literally flew from Miah’s hand while she was talking to Maria, and hit Mark square in the forehead. “I realize we must destroy all foreign objects from the canon, but we must also return the canon ones as well...including Voldemort’s wand.”
Miah accepted the epiphany back, and stuffed it deep inside the pack. “I have no idea how this thing keeps getting out...or even how it keeps ending up in my Pack. Also, we have to approach Voldemort, and we don’t have an RA to make a portal and toss it to him? We’re totally screwed.”
Maria perked up a bit from Miah’s hug. “Well...we DO have a house elf who is pro-pure-blood. I don’t think he would be too troubled.”
“Yes,” Mark said, sounding relieved. “I am glad he was willing to help us in exchange for getting the ‘filthy blood-traitor’ out of the house.”
“I can kind of understand Kreacher not being too upset over the Sue killing Harry, but I still can’t get over how okay with it everyone else was.” Miah yawned again. “Let’s go to sleep. That crazy Sue gets up at six a.m., and maybe she finally does something again tomorrow.
0*0*0*0
Blaise and Cadmar stayed in Harry's room. Every hour of every day unless they were mealtimes. Ginny stayed there as well, providing us with some conversation. But mostly, we were silent. Blaise and Cadmar would just watch each other, but he would secretly sneak peaks at Harry. Cadmar still felt awfully and totally OOC guilty that he had been the one to kill him. But now, he was well enough to wake up, he just wasn't. he didn't know why and neither did the others.
“I hope we will not get in trouble, Cadmar technically did kill Harry,” Mark said while clearing the sleep from his eyes.
“You’re just a regular ray of sunshine, aren’t you?” Miah asked. “At least we don’t have to take Harry to Medical, maybe no one back at HQ will think about that?”
“Hey, how’s Cadmar doing? I can’t see from behind you two!” Maria was hopping slightly to see over their shoulders.
Miah took a good look at Cadmar. “He’s kind of glassy eyed. Didn’t react too strongly over Blaise kissing him. How bad do you think it is?”
“On a scale of one to ten? Seven,” Mark said, receiving a nod from Maria.
"Come on, I have a plan for us," Blaise told Cadmar that night. We were sitting back in our usual spots, in the far corner from Harry's bed. "It will definately take your mind of everything."
"What is it?" Cadmar asked, curious. He was still watching his Mark, his eyes tracing the snake up and down as it curled around the skull in the same direction over and over again. I was trying to grow used to it.
“She sure was pissed when she found out Blaise was a Death Eater, even if he was a spy for Dumbledore, not that he needed another spy.” Maria snatched a Random Shiny from under the bed.
Miah shook her head, and said simply, “Unreliable narrator.”
He took Cadmar’s arm and apparated. When they landed, Cadmar gasped for breath and glared at Blaise at the same time.
"You could have warned me!" he whispered furiously, looking around. We were in the middle of a field, the center of which held a few swings and slides, as well as some monkey bars. Off in the distance, Cadmar saw a schoolyard, with a little dirt path to connect the two. "Where are we?"
"Kansas, in America. I figured it was safe enough," he flashed Cadmar a smile. "Come on."
“Apparation over continents is not possible, not as bad as going to another galaxy, but still.” Mark said.
Maria snickered. “Hey Mark, looks like we ARE in Kansas after all!”Mark groaned.
“Obligatory joke here.” Miah began singing, “Somewhere over the rainbow...” The others groaned and she stopped, grinning broadly. “So you guys saw someone apparate to another galaxy? What was the justification for that?”
“Ginny needed to find Harry, who grew up into John Sheppard, because Voldemort was alive, because they never destroyed the locket horcrux. I think, anyway...” Maria looked puzzled for a second. “Oh well, not important.”
Miah stared at her blankly. “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Please tell me you killed it?”
“Of course! Well, The Rope killed the replacement Harry/John, I got to kill the replacement VampireLike!Voldemort.”
“You’ll definitely have to tell me more about it later. Sounds like a crazy run.”
"They've always come true. Unless I can get her to stay home without telling her the truth. . ."
"Get her pregnant," Blaise chuckled. "Brew that potion my mom tried to make for you, remember that? The potion that she claimed would fix all your problems. And then you found the book and didn't drink it. If you get her pregnant, she can't fight. Molly would never let her. And if you get her pregnant with Harry's kid. . . It'd be far too dangerous."
“Flaming Denethor! That’s it. She’s going to die. Like immediately,” Miah started for the door, then realized that the Sue and Not!Blaise were still in Kansas and she had no way to get to Kansas to kill the Sue without the fic.
“You see our dilemma,” Mark said in a tone that made Miah want to throw things at him again. “Though, I was wondering how you were planning on getting all the way to where she is across the ocean?”
Miah growled at Mark and looked like she was contemplating turning her anger toward him in the short term.
“Hey! Hey! C’mon, we just have to wait a bit longer!” Maria said in an attempt to play peace-maker betwewn he two.
"I'd have to tell Molly what I'm doing and my vision then," I whispered. "I can't go behind all of their backs. She has to know at least."
"Then you tell Molly. But the less people you tell, the better."
Mark snorted. “She suddenly cares about what they think now. How nice.”
“Let’s see, canon equals, ‘Stay away from my daughter, you bitch!’ What do you want to bet that in this fic, that’s not Molly’s reaction?” Miah said.
“I’ll bet the new shiny thing I have,” Maria said with an assured nod. “I bet Mrs Weasley makes them tell Harry, though.”
I sighed and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Be careful, please. I'll talk to Molly." He nodded and before I knew it, I was alone. I apparated back to Grimmauld Place and saw Ginny hugging a stiff Harry.
“So how does Cadmar feel about getting kissed by guys? Is this going to be one more thing he’s going to be pissed at us about?” Miah said watching Blaise kiss Cadmar again.
“Umm, I hope not? Maybe he’ll be so out of it he won’t remember most of it?” Maria asked hopefully.
“With our luck in this mission? I doubt it.” Mark replied.
“Wait a minute...Harry is, you know, ‘up’. I don’t think being killed should have that effect on someone. Talk about you deadly kinks...” Maria stuck out her tongue, “Ick.”
They were a little cautious, but eventually obeyed. "Now, I had a vision of Ginny dying," I started bluntly, "A few weeks ago, yes, but it is still a vision. She can't fight in the battle, and Blaise and I came up with a way to stop her."
"You're not going to kill her too!" Harry said quickly.
“Well, it seems that Harry is at least somewhat aware of how the Sue operates. Murder is the Best Option indeed,” Mark said with an exaggerated sagely nod.
"Killing Order members isn't my forte. Besides, I'm thinking something a little more procreative. We get her pregnant." Molly was about to protest, before I continued. "With a potion. This potion will get her pregnant, and also ensure that she doesn't fight. We have five weeks and she's not old enough, nor strong enough to survive. She dies in my vision. She has to stay here."
Molly gasped, horrified, "She dies?"
"Yes, which is why this has to happen."
“So, they don’t think of, I dunno, restraining her, knocking her out, sleeping potion. Nope, let’s knock her up,” Maria said with a scowl.
"Molly, I'll do everything I can to support her. I swear to you, I love her and I'll never leave her. If she's going to die in the war, then we have to stop it. And if you're okay with this, then I'm okay with this."
Molly seemed to be taking deep calming breaths. "Oh, my baby. She can't die. She can't. Anything. Anything at all."
Mark sighed. “If she did not cook those well-described meals earlier, and was not so nice, she would be a replacement, no doubt. However, I am charging for giving consent for such a plan.”
“Let’s kill it right now. Please?” Miah looked at the other two agents and started for the door.
“One more night won’t hurt, I believe,” Mark said while double-checking the checklist. “I believe we have enough charges by the way.”
Maria made a whiny noise and handed Miah her Random Shiny.
Miah paused in pulling her tranquilizer gun. “Shiiiiiinyyyyy.”
"Since everyone's alive and well again," I smile, nodding towards Harry, "I've decided to toughen our trainings up. So if you'll please change into your bathing suits and meet me out in the garden in a half hour, that would be lovely, thank you."
“Wow, no time for play, dude just died, but no time for resting! We have training!” Maria pumped a fist in the air.
“She's going to be alone for a full half hour, let's just take her down, now. And no Random Shiny distractions this time,” Miah said looking at Maria.
“Yeah, I guess it’s time to see if magic can actually fix a Dummy.” Maria pulled the dummy out as they walked out to the pool to wait in ambush of the Sue.
Leaving them excited, I went to my room and quickly changed into a black bikini. I've never worn anything like this since I was captured by the Carrows. My scars showed dominately on my back. The mugglebirn ashes forever embeded in my neck were also upon the scars in my back. Amycus and Alecto Carrow was elegantly written to all sides of the scars Celtic knot like design.
“Uh, guys...” Miah began. “Um, Cadmar, Cadmar has um.” Miah waved her hands awkwardly over her chest. “He’s uh, he’s a-a-a she!”
Mark made a noise somewhere in-between a choke and a laugh. He sobered when he saw the scarring that suddenly appeared on Cadmar’s back. “I believe you I will secure the door Miah, we need the canons to stay away.”
Maria gasped. “OhgodI’mtheworstleaderever!” she put her head in her hands.
“...Medical can fix it?” Miah finally ventured in an effort to calm Maria down.
Mark crept over to the door, locking it shut. he waved an arm to Miah and Maria, hoping to get their attention, while the possessed, and now genderbent Cadmar was busy staring blankly into space waiting for the canons to arrive.
“Maria? Maria! Come on. Medical can’t fix him if we don’t get him to them. Let’s get that Sue out of him before we have a bunch of canons to deal with at the same time.”
“R-right!” Maria stood up, and got a hold of herself. “So, she doesn’t have her wand, and is all alone...Crash Dummy! I choose you!” The Crash Dummy hit the ground, and began inflating. To all three agents relief, it held. The slight sparkling around Cadmar flew to the dummy, which took on the look of a very shocked Heather. As soon as the Author Wraith had left him, Cadmar collapsed to her hands and knees.
Maria was quickly at Cadmar’s side, making sure he...no, SHE was alright. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please be okay!”
Miah grabbed one of the Sue’s arms and twisted it up behind her back. “Mark, restraints before she recalls all of her claims, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course,” Mark held out his arm, and The Rope slithered out, wrapping around Heather’s arms and tying them securely. After Miah had gagged the Sue with a cloth, both agents turned their heads as they heard some laughter coming from Cadmar.
Miah looked up at Cadmar, who was laughing more and more hysterically. The laughter was interspersed with sobbing. She slowly got off the Sue and positioned herself in front of the Sue. Still moving slowly, she unholstered her tranquilizer gun. “Maria,” she said in a low, calm voice. “Maria, what comforts Cadmar?”
“U-um, ah...hugs...I think...” Maria reached forward slowly and put a hand on Cadmar’s shoulder. Cadmar’s head snapped up and looked around. As her eyes locked with the gagged and bound Heather, she let out a scream of anger and launched herself at the Sue.
Miah drew her tranquilizer gun and fired--a second too slow. She missed Cadmar by a hair, and was knocked aside by Cadmar.
Cadmar pounced on the Sue when she was close enough, avoiding a tackle from Mark. The genderbent agent opened her mouth wide and aimed for Heather’s neck, when-
Pathew!
-she was hit by a tranquliser dart. She looked confused for a second before she was tackled by Maria. By the time Maria got off of her, Cadmar was out cold.
“Anybody got some soft-ish restraints? Just in case he, uh, she isn’t any calmer when h-she wakes up? And where did those teeth come from?” Miah said as she re-loaded and holstered her gun.
Maria dragged the unconscious Cadmar over to a corner. “Don’t worry, I’ll watch over hi-her. He...SHE had a mishap with Luxury on a Bad Slash mission.” Maria paused, and looked back to them. “Maybe we should take care of the canons and OCs first?”
Miah saw the way Maria was looking at Cadmar, and nodded. “Yeah, we’ll get them before he wakes up. She! Before she wakes up. Here.” Miah pulled a blanket and pillow out of her pack. She shrugged. “It’s the least I can do to make her more comfortable.”
0*0*0*0
Ten minutes later, the canons had been fixed, and were all resting off a bad nightmare they would forget quickly. Kreacher had been only too happy to return the Dark Lord’s wand, and Nagini had been retrieved from the plot hole without incident, well, almost.
Mark and Kreacher appeared back in Sirius’ room in Grimmauld Place. Miah took one look at Mark with his torn and bloody shirt, and went into first aid mode. “That’s a lot of blood. Here, sit on the bed, and I’ll see how bad it is. I can do basic stitches, but if it’s too deep, we’ll have to risk a Muggle hospital since we’ve got no way to HQ.”
“I am fine,” Mark replied, moving his torn shirt a bit so they could see the skin underneath, which looked fine, aside from a large amount of old looking scars. “I cannot be killed by something as trivial as a snake bite or blood loss. Nagini has been returned to Voldemort, along with his wand. I trust you are done here as well?”
Maria sniffed a couple of times and covered her nose. “Yeah, canons all back where they should be, Dumbledore is dead again, and the OCs are all accounted for.” She pointed to Cindy, Belle, Aurora, and Blaise, who were all tied up and gagged. “Your blood stinks.”
“I keep forgetting that not quite human thing, Mark. Thank goodness in this case. Wait, you were bitten by Nagini?” Miah whistled, “That’s a pretty good quirk you’ve got going there.” Miah looked at Cadmar, who was beginning to stir on the bed. She thought about the look in Cadmar’s eyes as he tried to rip the Sue’s throat out. She shook her head. She was so not letting Cali hang out with him until he got some therapy.
“Muh...nnn...” Cadmar slowly rose and looked around groggily. “M-Maria?”
“Cadmar!” Maria tackled him onto the bed, hugging her tightly and repeating ‘I’m sorry’ over and over.
“Wah! What’s going...on?” Cadmar put her hands to her throat, and looked confused.
“How are you feeling, Cadmar?” Miah asked tentatively.
“Miah? Why are you here? What the hell is going on? Why does my voice sound so weird? the last thing I remember is....” Cadmar gasped. “What...what happened?” she asked with dread.
Miah, seeing that Maria was still holding onto Cadmar tightly while repeating ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again, and that Mark was awkwardly trying to focus on the charge list. “Uh, Cadmar, not sure how to say this, exactly. You were possessed by the Sue, and um, there were some, er, changes made...”
“Changes? What...” Cadmar grabbed her hair, looking shocked to see that it was now much longer, and darker. “Oh, aheh, well, nothing a hair cut can’t fix right?”
“We-ell it goes a bit deeper than that. But I’m sure it can be fixed. I mean Medical can do almost anything, right?” Miah took a deep breath and before the look of dread could deepen too much further, she rushed out, “You were turned into a girl. Oh gods, I’m sorry.”
Cadmar looked at Miah in utter shock. After moving Maria away, who hung her head in shame, Cadmar saw the...additions that weren’t there before. Cadmar’s mouth opened and closed as she tried to form words.
“It happened at the last second! I swear!” Maria burst out. “You were fine, aside from the hair you were okay until we actually went to use the Dummy on you.” she babbled out quickly.
“Why did...it take so long? I..I don’t...” Cadmar was still not fully recovered from the shock of finding out he was now a she.
“The Dummy was broken beyond repair, and the Remote Activators are also a loss. We finally got Kreacher to magic the Dummy fixed, but...and...now...you’re a girl.” Miah floundered to a stop.
Cadmar groaned and put her face in her hands. “Let me take a guess, most of that is my fault?”
“Uhhhh...” Miah looked desperately at Mark and Maria for guidance.
Maria gave Cadmar a bit more space, but remained on top of her. “Well, kinda? I like, don’t mean DIRECTLY your fault, but sort of in a accidental wa-” Maria was cut off from her babbling when Cadmar started chuckling.
Miah moved to a more defensive position in front of the Sue--just in case.
Cadmar wiped a tear from her eye. “Maria...hahah, Maria you’re so cute and funny when you’re all flaily and babbling.” Cadmar sighed. “Don’t worry Maria, I’m a big boy...girl, I won’t snap for it being my fault.”
Miah still kept a careful watch on Cadmar, but said, “We need to get this Sue charged and these OCs dealt with.”
Cadmar looked to the OCs and twitched a bit. “Y-yeah, right. So uh, I can’t really remember much after Miah saying I looked pretty or something, but ah, they are tied up conveniently and probably won’t be able to fight back.” she said with a gleam in her eye.
Maria got off of Cadmar and helped her up. “Well, we should probably see the charges first, before jumping the gun.”
Mark took this as his cue to enter the conversation. “Yes. Belle, Aurora, and Cindy. You are charged with being part of a non-canon group who are recognised as threats to Voldemort for no reason, for being described as if you were greatly skilled, when you have not displayed any such prowess. Individually, Cindy is charged with displaying stupidity by fighting Fenrir on a full moon and describing it as the best thing to ever happen to you.”
“Huh. You know guys, they really didn’t gather many charges. Not enough to kill them,” Miah said. She turned to the three girls. “Listen, you have three choices. You can throw in with Heather the Sue over there, and die.” She looked over at Cadmar’s shark grin. “Probably less than pleasantly. You can let us erase your memories--in a painless, instantaneous procedure unlike your ’friend’ over there would give you. Or you can come with us.
“We are agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We are tasked with saving Word Worlds from threats and leeches like this thing.” Miah poked the Sue with her toe. “The pay is terrible. The food is terrible. The work hours are sadistic. Our bosses are giant sentient Flowers who enjoy having us work with people we don’t like. And this is still the greatest job in all the universes.”
All three girls looked expectantly at Mark, who stared back for a moment, until realizing he still had The Rope gagging them. “Sorry.” he said as he made a hand gesture, and The Rope moved out from their mouths.
Cindy spit some thread out of her mouth. “What do you mean ‘like our friend’?”
Mark looked at her, and raised an eyebrow. “Do you not remember signing a contract with Heather?” The three girls all nodded while looking at Heather curiously, who looked back, showing no guilt. “It was in the contracts you signed that, should you choose to quit, she could erase all memories of your time with the dragons, all the training, spells, simply hanging around. Everything.” All three girls looked at Heather with shocked and betrayed faces.
“So, I know that at least you, Cindy, aren’t particularly happy with her. What do you say? Oh yeah, we can deal with the little werewolf problem.” Miah said.
Cindy looked at them hopefully. “Really?”
Maria smiled and nodded. “Yeah! We have Medical, which can solve all problems. Well, except death, but still, that won’t be a problem.” she moved forward and kneeled in front of Cindy. “You don’t have to worry about being picked on or shunned for being a werewolf there, we have were-penguins, and a lot of crazier stuff. Here, it may be a lot tougher. But, if you decide to stay, I promise we’ll do our best to set you up so you won’t have to worry.”
Cindy looked to Aurora and Belle. ‘What about you two? I’d rather stick with you guys, I...I like all the time we’ve spent together.”
“Also, Belle, you aren’t going to die next week, and you don’t have to kiss anyone else to prevent it.” Miah shuddered at the thought of kissing over twenty-one million people.
Mark looked at Aurora. “And you...don’t really have a problem. However, the choice is up to you.”
The girls looked at each other, and held a silent conversation. “We’ll go with you, but only if we can all go together,” Cindy said with resolve.
“Okay! That’s settled then! Mark, untie them.” Maria said with a smile. The Rope slid off of the three OCs, who stood and stepped away form Blaise, who Cadmar was looking at with an increasing glare.
About this time, Blaise who had been rather quiet up until now, began thrashing and mumbling through the gag, indicating that he wanted to be released also.
“What are we going to do with him? You know before Cadmar does something for us,” Miah said pointing out the way Cadmar was looking at the OC.
Maria made a thoughtful noise. “Well, he is a replacement. Blaise Zambini-” Maria was cut off when an irate Zambini appeared at her legs. “Oh, sorry, we must have missed you while we were waiting for Heather to do something wrong.” Zambini scuttled over to Miah and crawled up her leg and onto her back, where it settled between Alistair, Ginevra, and Sectumsemra.
“Anyway, Blaise Zambini, you are charged with...” Maria snatched the charge list from Mark, “With being a replacement, for being a spy within Voldemort’s inner circle despite being young, and for apparating to another continent. Geez, you guys really didn’t do much wrong.”
Miah sighed, rolled her eyes, and handed a piece of bacon to Zambini. “Comfortable there, you lot?” Not waiting for an answer from the minis, she turned to Maria and said, “At least not yet. I was all ready to kill him, but his worst transgressions never happened.” She gave the OC a stern look. “You heard the options. What say you, Not!Blaise?” Miah asked the OC in an official sounding voice.
“I’d rather like to just forget all this actually, maybe you could just drop me off in Italy? This all sounds rather crazy, well, that and I think the scary Heather wants to kill me,” Not!Blaise said, while rubbing his wrists to restore the blood flow.
Cadmar snarled. “You’re damn right, you kissed me, and...oh my god! I KISSED YOU! I’LL KILL YOU!” Cadmar was held back by Maria, who pinned him to the bed.
“Hey! Hey! Calm down! Listen, you can choose what to do with Heather!” Maria said to Cadmar, who stopped struggling. “Anything you want, except torture.”
Cadmar sighed and nodded. Maria got off of her and walked in front of Heather.
“Heatherlyn Brizailius Draconus, you are charged with with making over twenty OCs, for having over twenty invisibility cloaks, for having Dumbledore somehow alive during Harry’s seventh year, and for generally screwing the timeline up, for making Voldemort able to turn into his eighteen year old body, for knowing things like the prophecy, Voldemort’s true name, the horcruxes, and other canon information that you couldn’t have realistically known. For being a niece of Remus Lupin, for stealing Voldemort’s wand, for being able to see the future, for knowing Harry is a horcrux out of the blue, for having a basilisk dagger, for being able to apparate to Grimmauld Place, for being able to apparate to Kansas, for being able to redirect a Killing Curse. Phew.” Maria slumped onto the bed and handed Miah the charge list. “Tag out,” Maria said while gasping.
“Wait, basilisk dagger?” Cadmar looked at Heather with mixed hate and interest, “What happened to that?”
Mark pulled it out from within his cloak. “Right here. It is much more useful in my hands, as I have much experience with knife fighting.”
Cadmar nodded and only looked slightly put out. A look of surprise, and then annoyance appeared on her face when her hair slid in front of her face. “Well, this is weird.”
Miah consulted the charge list and began, “For starting to train at age eight, which is not allowed, with somehow having a wand and school books to train with at age eight, which is in turn, unlikely and illegal. For having Lupin not know that you were training. For finishing all of Beuaxbaton’s course work in three years, for learning wandless and voiceless magic at age thirteen, for claiming to be an unregistered animagus, for getting ‘auror’ training for yourself and your cult members, for being recruited by Mad-Eye Moody without having to work for the Ministry. For making us think about Mad-Eye having sex with Snape’s mother while he watched. For making the implication that Mad-Eye was your father. Hmm, Let’s see...”
Miah shuffled through the pages of Mark’s writing, and found her place again. “You are charged with making up wildly uncanon spells, to wit, a resurrection spell, mass death spell, healing, and a hellhole spell. You said that light can be black, you made a football field sized track inside a house--it isn’t a mile around a football field either, twit. You named all your OCs after Disney Princesses, for not caring when twelve of your ‘sisters’ were killed in battle. For killing Gabrielle Delacour, and Harry Potter, even though you did bring him back. For ‘knowing’ that he had exactly three percent chance to live through the horcrux being destroyed. For making up a love’s first kiss killing curse, and forcing Belle to kiss all the men in France when that equals to over twenty-one million men between fifteen and sixty-four.” Miah paused. “Geez, you really are terrible.”
She took a deep breath and started reading again. “For having an angsty past, in the form of a murdered boyfriend and lost pregnancy, and in being captured and tortured by Voldemort’s inner circle, for using the word mudblood repeatedly for the express purpose of pissing people off, for Ron bashing, for knowing the difference between the Fred and George and still calling them Twin 1 and Twin 2. For being offered a place in Voldemort’s inner circle, even though you are clearly an enemy. For making a plan to get Ginny pregnant, for making your potion make her three months overnight, for having Molly react with fear and tears over a threat to her daughter, and agree that getting her knocked up was the only way to keep her safe. You own a book on horcruxes, you are an unreliable narrator, you constantly tell instead of show--thanks for that by the way, you’d be a lot harder to deal with if you didn’t.” Miah looked around. “Anything else guys? I mean other than annoying PPC agents, of course.”
“I think that covers it all. Okay, Cadmar: how do you want to deal with her?” Maria asked while picking up the restrained Sue and calling for Kreacher.
“She made a hellhole spell right?” Cadmar asked, while trying to get her hair to stay out of her face.
“Yeah.”
“So, why don’t we show her a real hellhole?” Cadmar asked with a smile.
“That place in Siberia? Is it real?” Miah asked just as Kreacher entered.
“They want to put the filthy blood traitor in the ground? Deep in the ground where the fires burn. Kreacher knows the place. Kreacher take them, and then Mistress’s house be free of their filth.”
“Of course it is!” Cadmar got up, blew the hair out of her face, and smiled brightly. “Well, I think we should all go to hell.”
0*0*0*0
Next appearance: Dragon Lady, part 3