Ouch. This piece is very emotionally raw, and I think the strength of it lies in the restraint of the writing. You stick to very crisp energy and action, not a lot of internal monologue, and your dialogue is very zingy, like a good squabble should be. I felt Tonks' hurt and frustration right along with her. And that last line - I was irked at Remus through the Hogshead scene, but that last line really reminds me of just what all Remus is trying not to feel right now, because it's become unbearable.
One grammar thing:
"I don't remember. It was an awful long time ago. 20 years."
It should be "awfully" long, and the number twenty should be spelled out.
I'd liked your terse style--it was very appropriate for the mood of the piece. The pain both of them were feeling was very potent.
One little suggestion: I think at the end you repeat the phrase "magnificent manor" too many times. It starts to lose its irony after the second repetition.
Oh, beautiful, beautiful angst. Lovely and bittersweet. Stupid Remus...
I think your use of short, clipped sentences works so well here - there's nothing to distract the reader from the emotions threatening to boil over.
I like that she leaves him at the end, and his drunken confusion over a simple afternoon that rather spun out of his control.
The end line does round it out very well, but the "But" is...distracting. Of course, I'm going to be completely unhelpful by leaving it at that - I tried to come up with some alternative suggestion and I can't think of any. Still, the "but" is just slightly jarring, and you want that last line to punch as hard as it can, especially since the whole piece is such a wonderful roundhouse to the emotional kidneys in general.
So well done - I don't think he's too cynical at all (although I would now like to beat him up) and your handling of the dialogue is just such a joy to read. Well, you know, as much of a joy to read as pure angst can be... :P
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One grammar thing:
"I don't remember. It was an awful long time ago. 20 years."
It should be "awfully" long, and the number twenty should be spelled out.
But really, exellent piece of writing here.
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:(
"But because he felt that no matter what, he could never make it right again."
Very sad ending. It completed the piece nicely.
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One little suggestion: I think at the end you repeat the phrase "magnificent manor" too many times. It starts to lose its irony after the second repetition.
Other than that, a very nice piece.
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I think your use of short, clipped sentences works so well here - there's nothing to distract the reader from the emotions threatening to boil over.
I like that she leaves him at the end, and his drunken confusion over a simple afternoon that rather spun out of his control.
The end line does round it out very well, but the "But" is...distracting. Of course, I'm going to be completely unhelpful by leaving it at that - I tried to come up with some alternative suggestion and I can't think of any. Still, the "but" is just slightly jarring, and you want that last line to punch as hard as it can, especially since the whole piece is such a wonderful roundhouse to the emotional kidneys in general.
So well done - I don't think he's too cynical at all (although I would now like to beat him up) and your handling of the dialogue is just such a joy to read. Well, you know, as much of a joy to read as pure angst can be... :P
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