Fic: "Journey of Persistence"

[shoebox_addict]

Title: Journey of Persistence
Author: shoebox_addict
Rating & Warnings: T -- Adult situations but no explicit description
Prompts: “journey” and “Strawberry Fields Forever” lyrics
Word Count: 5,245
Summary: Remus visits Tonks against his better judgment over the holidays.
Author’s Notes: This story takes place during Christmas of HBP. This is angst. I hate angst. Lol. It was the only way I could work the lyric prompt in though so, sorry if this makes you depressed! This fic was beta-ed by wildmagelet and jademortel. Thanks so much guys!!


Remus looked furtively around the forest before closing his eyes, concentrating and apparating. The squeezing feeling was odd and almost comforting to him. It was something he was familiar with, that was nice when you dealt with the unfamiliar and frightening from day to day. He had been living amongst the werewolves for several months now and, frankly, he hadn't found the need to apparate in that time. This was mainly because apparating in and out of the compound was bound to make the werewolves suspicious. And they had already been suspicious enough when he had arrived wearing wizard's robes and trying to talk to them about the war outside. His mission was to get the werewolves on the side of Dumbledore, the side of the Order. Remus hadn't had much success to report aside from a few eager young werewolves who weren't yet as bitter as the older ones.

The squeezing, suffocating feeling abated and Remus looked around at his new surroundings. Not much had changed. He was still standing in a wood, the sky was still grey, and the air still had that chill. However, there was one very important difference. The Burrow, the residence of the Weasley family, was standing in front of him. The great building seemed to be smiling at him and he could practically hear Molly Weasley beckoning him inside and offering him something hot to warm his chilled bones. He had to smile at the thought. As he did, Remus reflected that the expression felt odd on his face. It was almost as though the muscles in his face had been turned down or stretched into a grim line for so long that they'd forgotten how to smile. It had been weeks, maybe months since he'd last smiled.

There. Just as Remus thought about the last time he had smiled, the thought of a pixie-faced, pink-haired witch crept into his mind. But then, her hair had not been very pink the last time he had seen her. Hs tried to shake her from his head but it was humanly impossible. He missed her so much. He'd tried his hardest not to think about her or anyone else outside while he was with the werewolves. Knowing what you were missing only made it harder to be where you were.

Would she be there? He wondered. If she were, would she find it too hard to be in the same room or sit at the same table with him? Would she pack away her feelings for the Christmas holidays and maintain an icy indifference towards him? He didn't think he could bear that. Perhaps if he was able to eke out the information of just who was staying on as a houseguest from Molly, he could slip out and stay in Hogsmeade until the Christmas dinner. No, that was ridiculous. Who would have him when he smelled like this?

"Remus!" cried Molly when she found him standing on her doorstep. Her face was alight with pleasure and surprise at seeing him but these soon changed to worry and concern about the state of him. "Oh dear, you look as though you've froze! Please, come inside and have some tea."

"Hello, Molly," said Remus. His mouth quirked upward into that unfamiliar expression once more at Molly's very familiar behavior.

Remus stepped inside the Burrow and felt its warmth envelop him like a mother's hug or a childhood blanket. Remus hadn't felt warmth of this kind in quite a while and he not only felt it on his chilled hands and face, he felt it inside of him. Molly beckoned him towards the kitchen, where she did her best work. He felt like he could have stood there, simply savoring the warmth, forever. But he knew Molly was just itching to give him something to eat so he followed her.

"How have you been?" asked Molly, trying her best to be cheerful as she served some soup into a bowl for him. "Oh, I'm sorry, what a ridiculously thoughtless question."

"Don't feel bad, Molly," replied Remus. "I haven't been fantastic but I'm doing better now that you've invited me here for Christmas dinner."

Molly beamed at him. "It wouldn't be Christmas dinner without you, Remus. And, er, Tonks may be coming as well."

Remus dropped his spoon into his soup and had to fish it out clumsily. He didn't know why it affected him so much to hear her name. He'd thought about her many nights in the past few months. Hearing her name spoken by someone outside of their situation just seemed odd to him.

"Oh?" That was all he could say. That was all that he managed to say after hearing the name of the woman he'd nearly married.

"That's right," said Molly. She'd obviously noticed Remus' reaction and came to sit next to him. "Why don't you talk to her, dear?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Remus decided the best strategy was to feign ignorance about the situation. He didn't want that to be the first thing he talked about once he was out of the werewolves' settlement.

"Remus." Molly's tone was warning but her expression was one of motherly concern. "She's been here several times. I can't even count the number of times she's shown up at the door, in search of a cup of tea and someone to talk to. She'd love an owl from you, Remus."

"I can't send owls out of the compound," said Remus. "It looks suspicious."

"How do you send your reports to Dumbledore?"

Remus blushed at the fact that Molly had caught him out. "Molly, I'm afraid you don't understand the situation completely."

"I understand perfectly! She loves you, Remus, and for some reason you won't accept her love."

"I don't want to talk about this," said Remus, turning adamantly towards his soup.

"Very well, but she's coming for Christmas dinner and you'll have to face her sometime."

Remus didn't reply, he just knew he'd have to get out of Christmas dinner somehow. At that very moment, Remus felt a strange cocktail of emotions inside him. On one hand, he wanted to avoid Tonks at all costs and prevent another argument from happening. On the other hand, he felt inextricably pulled to her somehow. He had the strongest urge to just go and visit her. After all, he'd been gone for months.

"Has she...asked about me?" he inquired hesitantly. Molly nodded.

"She's dying to see you," she whispered, grinning. "Why don't you go and see her now?"

"Not just yet," said Remus. "Have you got a room set up for me?"

"Up the stairs, door on the left of the third floor. That's Percy's room. But I expect he won't be stopping by, will he?"

Remus nodded grimly. He'd forgotten that Molly was dealing with a certain situation of her own. Molly turned towards the dishes in the sink and Remus took that as his cue to leave. He made his way up the stairs until he reached the third floor. The door on the left was still closed and it still bore a nameplate that proudly stated, "Percy's Room.” It seemed to him like a monument to just how young he'd been when he'd had a falling out with his family. Frankly, Remus couldn't understand how anyone could have a falling out with such wonderful people as the Weasleys.

Stepping inside, Remus could not shake thoughts of Tonks from his head. He sat down on the bed, a mercifully soft surface, and tried to calm down. His efforts were not rewarded, he couldn't stop thinking about her laugh, the way she looked sideways at him during Order meetings and the way pink bloomed all the way to the tips of her hair when she was pleased.

How long had it been since she'd been pleased?

Remus couldn't allow his thoughts to torture him any longer. He popped into the fourth floor bathroom for a hasty shower and then apparated to Tonks' flat. As he stood outside her door, a million misgivings ran through his head. His hand hovered at the wooden door, about to knock, and he'd pull it back, running a nervous hand through his hair. Before his decision could be made, someone opened the door.

This someone was not Tonks. In fact, it was as far as you could get from Tonks.

"Can I help you?" asked the rugged looking man standing in Tonks' door.

"I was, erm, I was looking for Nymphadora," said Remus.

"Oh, the pink-haired bird? She doesn't live here anymore."

Remus hated the way he called Tonks a bird. "Oh? Has she moved?"

"Yea, I think she said she was moving back in with her parents."

Remus wondered at the authenticity of this statement. Why would Tonks want to live with her parents again? She probably wanted to distance herself from him as much as possible and so she had moved from the flat where they had spent so many nights, eating take away with botched dinners lying in the sink.

"I see," said Remus. "Thank you."

The man nodded and closed the door of the flat. Bemused, Remus left the building and found himself roaming the crowded streets of the largely Muggle town aimlessly. He didn't know what to do. He felt adrift in the sea of life, he had nowhere to go, and Tonks' disappearance from her familiar apartment had shaken him. Everywhere he looked, there was an unfamiliar face. Finally he found a deserted alley where he apparated away from his strange surroundings to Diagon Alley. At least there, he wouldn't be looked at strangely for wearing robes.

Remus held his thin robe tightly around his body as the wind whipped between the closely packed buildings in Diagon Alley. The wizard shopping center seemed less friendly than it ever had before. People didn't look each other in the eye as they passed each other. Instead, everyone buried their faces in scarves or watched the pavement as they walked. Remus hadn't been out in civilization for so long and he yearned for some human contact. He supposed this was the wrong time to be looking for some, when Voldemort had returned and that old, familiar sense of doom had descended on the Wizarding community.

"Ooh, I'm sorry," said Remus hastily as he bumped into someone walking on the pavement.

"Remus Lupin?"

Remus looked up to see Kingsley Shacklebolt smiling at him. He felt infinitely grateful for that smile and for someone who knew who he was.

"Kingsley," breathed Remus, grasping Kingsley's large hand between his. "It's so good to see you."

"Would you like to go to the Leaky Cauldron and talk for a while?" asked Kingsley. He was obviously bemused by Remus' behavior but he was friendly nonetheless.

"Certainly." Remus followed Kingsley to the popular bar and reflected upon entering that perhaps it wasn't quite as popular as it had been. There were only two customers inside when Remus and Kingsley arrived. Tom, the bartender, was wiping down the bar and looking rather gloomy.

"What will you have, gentlemen?" asked Tom, looking up as they entered.

The two men ordered a Firewhiskey each and sat at a small round table, as far from the two other patrons as they could get. Their drinks came quickly because business was so slow. Remus and Kingsley sat, nursing their drinks for a while.

"Well," said Kingsley. "How have you been, Remus?"

Remus sighed and set down his glass. Why did everyone feel the need to ask him that? "I'm not peachy, Kingsley."

"I know, I just thought I'd ask."

"How are you?"

"Not too bad. But not too good either. There's a tension in the air I don't like at all."

As he said this, Kingsley glanced around the pub, almost involuntarily, sniffing the air.

"I know what you mean," said Remus.

"How are things with the werewolves?" asked Kingsley, as quietly as he could.

"Put it this way, there's not much to report," said Remus, grimly. "What are you doing these days?"

Remus didn't have to say 'with the Order'. Kingsley knew and they didn't want to risk talking about the organization blatantly in this quiet pub.

"There hasn't been much. I'm mainly guarding Hogwarts with Tonks."

Remus' breath caught at the mention of Tonks. He cleared his throat and took another sip of his drink to cover his surprise.

"Sometimes I wish something would happen already, just to shake this tension," said Kingsley.

"Anticipation is awful," agreed Remus. "Look, have you seen Tonks lately?"

"Yeah, I was guarding Hogwarts just last week with her." Kingsley looked sideways at Remus. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," lied Remus.

"She misses you," said Kingsley.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You know very well what I'm talking about Remus. You should go and see her."

"That's easier said than done."

"How do you figure?"

"I went to her flat earlier today and she wasn't there."

"What do you mean? Which flat?" demanded Kingsley, sitting up straighter. He was obviously worried about Tonks.

"I went to her flat in London. I can't understand why she wasn't there. There was a man there who said she'd moved."

"Oh, she moved months ago," said Kingsley, relaxing visibly.

"She never told me."

"Perhaps she didn't know how or whether you cared for that matter."

The tone in Kingsley's voice was clearly accusatory and Remus was beginning to grow tired of everyone assuming he was the only one causing this problem.

"Well where is she? That man told me she'd gone to live with her parents."

"No, she hasn't been living with them for months now."

"She's certainly moving around a lot," said Remus. "Why is that?"

"She just felt like she needed to be closer to Hogwarts for her work with the Order. So she got a flat in Hogsmeade."

"That must be quite a commute to the Ministry," said Remus.

Kingsley took another drink from his glass and looked around the pub. He was pointedly avoiding Remus' eyes, as though he had something to say that was not easy.

"Remus," he finally said. "Tonks was fired."

"What?" cried Remus. The fury he felt at this declaration was almost animal. "Why? What happened?"

"We don't know, she wouldn't tell us exactly why."

Remus clenched his fists under the table. He was sure he knew why she'd been fired. Obviously, it had gotten out that she was involved with him and they hadn't liked that down there, so they'd dismissed her. He was angry. Angry with himself for being the way he was and for costing Tonks her job, and he was angry with the stupid, ridiculous, bigots at the ministry. But, deep down, how could he blame them? Hadn't he been amongst some of the most despicable creatures he'd ever known for the past few months? When the werewolves gave off an image like that, it was hard to challenge people's views of them.

"This is disgusting."

"What?" Kingsley looked a bit unnerved at the emotion he saw in Remus' eyes.

"It's disgusting that I'm learning all of this from you rather than Tonks herself."

"Don't blame me for that, mate. I think you've got a bit to do with that."

It was clear that Kingsley held the same view as Molly on this issue. Remus felt resentful of them for blaming him entirely but really, who else was to blame? He had pushed Tonks away and ruined her ability to metamorphose. It was all his fault; there was no getting away from that disgusting, heart-wrenching truth. At the moment, Remus was overcome with guilt for what he had done to Tonks. Although his first instinct was to stay as far away from her as possible, a stronger instinct told him he had to make things right. He at least had to apologize for costing her her job.

"Kingsley, I've got to be going now," said Remus, fishing inside the pocket of his robes for money to pay for his drink. His face burned with shame as he realized he had no money. He was about to tell Kingsley this, but Kingsley was one step ahead.

"It's on me," said Kingsley, nodding and placing some coins on the table.

"Thank you," muttered Remus. He couldn't bear charity. "I'll pay you back as soon as--"

"No, you won't. Now go and see Tonks."

Kingsley wrote down Tonks' address for him and Remus thanked him once more before leaving. Remus stepped out on to the pavement, shut his eyes, and concentrated. A moment later, he was being squeezed inside a slim tube of air. The discomfort overcame the familiarity of the process this time and Remus was quite glad when it was over. Once he had taken a deep breath of the cool air, Remus observed his surroundings.

He was standing on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. In the distance, he could see the great castle that was Hogwarts, surrounded by majestic mountains. Every time he saw that building, Remus felt he was somewhere he belonged. It had been the first and last place he hadn't been refused because of his condition. Directly in front of him was a small, shabby building that he assumed was divided into individual flats.

Remus approached the door of the building and found it unlocked. He disliked the place immediately for its apparent disregard for security. Once inside he noticed a small plate on the wall that bore the names of the tenants. Tonks' name was the third on the list so he discerned that she was on the third floor. He climbed the stairs slowly, almost trying to delay his arrival at Tonks’ door. But before he knew it, he was standing in front of the only door on the third floor. Hesitantly, he raised his fist and knocked on the door.

"Coming!" called Tonks from inside. Remus' anxiety rose about seventy five percent as he could hear her footsteps approaching the door.

"Who's there?"

"It's Remus."

There was a pause. "Remus who?"

"Remus Lupin, I am a werewolf and I've just come from the Weasleys' house, the Burrow," replied Remus, trying to give her enough information so that she knew it was really him. He didn't like his identity being questioned but he couldn't help but feel better knowing that she was so careful.

"Very well," she said.

Tonks opened the door and Remus just stood staring at her for a while. He had never been so happy and so sad to see a person simultaneously. Here was the woman he'd been dreaming about for the past several months while he'd been with the werewolves. On that note, his heart exploded with joy as he gazed upon her. However, the bright vibrant young woman he'd left last July seemed to be gone. This Tonks seemed like a pale shadow of her former self. Her hair hung in lank, mousy brown locks rather than her usual spiky, pink coiffure. She looked a bit peaky and she was wearing sweatpants. But the thing that struck Remus the most was her hair. He'd never seen it look so very...un-Tonks.

"Remus?"

"Er, hello Tonks," said Remus. He suddenly felt very much like a schoolboy.

"What brings you here?" Her tone was icy and it looked as though there was no way he was getting inside her apartment.

"I was wondering if we could talk."

Tonks eyed him suspiciously, her lips pursed in a doubtful expression. It was clear that she wasn't sure what to do with him. He couldn't blame her for that after he'd left her without even saying goodbye.

She sighed, "Fine, come in."

Remus tried to smile appreciatively at her but she turned away from him.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" she asked.

"Yes, that would be nice."

Tonks moved into her small kitchen and made herself busy with the tea things. Remus sat down at her small dining table and observed her new flat. It had all the marks of being Tonks' flat, the loud furniture and... interesting lamps made him feel as though they were still at her London flat. So much had happened there. He could suddenly see why she'd picked up and left her old flat; too many memories.

"Here you are," said Tonks, setting down a cup of tea in front of him.

"Thank you," he replied.

Remus and Tonks sat there, drinking their tea and not saying a word to each other. They barely even looked up at one another. Remus couldn't help feeling saddened by their stiff, formal behavior.

"Tonks," he said. "I came to apologize."

Tonks' eyes brightened and she looked up at him in surprise. "You did?"

"Yes. I know it must have been your involvement with me that got you fired from the Ministry."

Tonks' face fell sharply. "Oh. Who told you about that?"

"Kingsley. Please don't be angry with him for telling me."

"I’m not angry at him," said Tonks, under her breath. She took a sip of tea.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said it's not Kingsley who I'm angry with. At least Kingsley's been around these past few months."

"Tonks, you know I couldn't be here."

"You could write me a bloody letter once in a while. Even if it just came through Dumbledore, I wouldn't care. All I wanted was to hear something, anything from you."

Tonks was trying to keep her voice even and free of emotion but Remus could tell she had a whole mess of feelings bubbling just below the surface. He was beginning to wonder whether his decision to come her had been woefully wrong.

"Tonks, I couldn't."

"Why? Why not? You could have just said it was a letter to Dumbledore if anyone asked," said Tonks. Her voice was growing shaky; she couldn't hold back tears much longer. "I was worried sick."

"I know, I'm sorry for that."

"Sorry? Is that all you ever are? Sorry?" Tonks' voice rose and she took a deep breath to stop herself from crying. "Why don't you stop being sorry for a while and concentrate on what you should be doing."

"And what should I be doing?" asked Remus. He was taken aback by Tonks' attitude.

"I don't know!" exclaimed Tonks. She picked up her teacup and went into the kitchen.

Remus sat at the kitchen table, tracing the rim of his cup with his finger. He was so confused. He'd thought that Tonks would gladly accept his apology.

"You know what you should be apologizing for?" Remus jumped at Tonks' words, he hadn't realized she had entered the room again.

"What?" he asked, rather unsure of whether he wanted to hear the answer.

"For leaving me in July."

Remus stared at her. What was he supposed to say to that? He knew that what he did had been wrong but he'd had no choice. Dumbledore had told him the previous evening that he was to be living amongst the werewolves to get more of them on the side of the Order. He was devastated. He would never shirk his duty but for the first time, he was considering disobeying Dumbledore. He had been furious at him. Finally, he'd come to the conclusion that he had to obey orders. But, if he were to leave, he would try his hardest to minimize Tonks' suffering by slipping away in the night. Then perhaps she wouldn't worry as much as if she knew what he was going off to do.

"I did it for your own good. I didn't want to hurt you," he explained.

"If you didn't want to hurt me," said Tonks, tears running freely down her face now. "You should have given me a proper goodbye."

Remus sighed, placing a hand over his eyes in exasperation. He hadn't wanted to get into this conversation yet again. "It only would have been harder on us."

"Harder on us or harder on you? You're so selfish, didn't you think I'd want to say goodbye to you?"

Remus had honestly thought she'd be glad to be rid of him and this was an easier way to do it. He was completely taken aback by her reaction. Deep down he knew why he had done it.

"Perhaps," said Remus. "It was my way of saying...find someone new?"

With that one statement, Tonks' whole face changed completely Her expression of sadness and regret transformed into one of anger and resentment. It was clear to Remus that they were about to go down that road, the road down which they had traveled far too many times before.

"I didn't want anyone new! I was terrified when I woke up and you were gone!" Tonks stared down at her hands and contemplated her nails. "I don't know why you won't get it into your head that I only want you."

"You could be so much happier without me,” insisted Remus. "Look at what I've done to you. You've lost your job and... just look at your hair. I feel awful."

"This was not you!" cried Tonks, tugging at her hair. "For your information, I lost my job because I spoke out about my sympathies to Dumbledore. And my hair is this ridiculous brown because I've been a wanker, worrying myself silly over you!"

"See!" Remus stood up from the table and came face to face with Tonks. "If we'd never even begun this, you'd be pink and happy and with someone younger and better for you. I am too poor, too old, not to mention too dangerous. I've been living with bloody werewolves for Merlin's sake!"

Tonks was left reeling from Remus' words. She shook her head as though trying to clear it of the protests he'd made. She appeared deflated and infinitely tired all of a sudden. "I can't do this anymore, Remus. It's so hard.

Remus felt relieved at her words, like she was finally coming out of a fog and realizing what he had been telling her all along. Perhaps she was finally realizing that he wasn't worth it. But his relief was overcome by something else as Tonks sank down onto her sofa in a defeated way. Her shoulders slumped and then shook as she cried. As much as he wanted her to forget him, Remus was compelled to comfort her.

"Tonks, please," he said, putting an arm around her shaking shoulders. "I can't stand to see you cry."

Tonks looked up at him with longing in her eyes. "You do care."

Remus sighed. "Of course I care. That's why I'm telling you that it would be better for you if you would find someone else."

"You don't care," said Tonks, shrugging his arm off her shoulders.

"What?"

"If you cared, you would respect my right to choose you and you wouldn't be constantly trying to make me leave you."

"It's only for your own good."

Tonks shook her head and looked down at her hands again. "No, it isn't. Remus, I missed you...so much."

Remus felt hypnotized by the look in her eyes, it was magnetic. He saw so much in those eyes, they were her natural brown, rather than the exotic colors she usually morphed them into so they seemed to show more of her soul. He saw longing, sadness, and desperation to make him understand. But most of all he saw love, a glaring and obvious emotion that shined out from her face as he looked at her. For one split second, he believed that she truly loved him and that they belonged together.

That split second was all it took.

Several hours later, Remus woke up beside Tonks in her bed. Tonks was still asleep and Remus was free to gaze at her as he pleased. She was beautiful. Her hair, although it wasn't its usual color, was soft beneath his fingers. The curve of her jaw was so soft and supple beneath his calloused thumb. She was everything that he was not; soft, gentle, and ready to take him as he was when he wasn't prepared to take himself.

But then a thought crept into Remus' mind. An unbidden, unrelenting thought. He suddenly felt - no, he knew - that what he had seen in Tonks' glowing face had not been love. It had been pity. Rather than feeling pleased and content lying next to the woman he loved, Remus felt dirty and ashamed. He felt he had taken advantage of her when she had clearly not wanted him. It was all pity; she had only been pitying him. It was understandable; he was a mess after returning from the werewolves. He should never have come to her flat looking so pitiful and ridiculous. He should have known that she would do something like this. Again, he was befouling her.

He felt so wrong. He had mistaken her pity for love. She had said he was selfish and perhaps she was right. He had come her seeking this ending and now that he had it, lying in Tonks' soft bed, he felt disgusting. Tonks slept on, unaware of what was happening in her lover's head.

Soon the shame became too much. It was not only that he had slept with her for the wrong reasons. He was with her for reasons not good enough. He could see that the arguments for them to be apart were stronger than those for them to be together; why couldn't she see that too? Something had clouded her vision and that was why they were here. He would do whatever it took to make her see that he was not the one for her. She was so fair and lovely and he felt like the monstrous beast.

Beauty and the beast...what irony.

Repulsed by himself, Remus carefully rose from the bed. He moved slowly, careful not to wake Tonks as he pulled on his threadbare trousers, dress shirt, and patched robe. Every article of clothing was a reminder of why he wasn't right for her.

Silently, Remus slunk from the room, out of her flat and down the stairs to the street. Once outside, Remus wanted to break down and unleash his hidden feelings. But there were people waiting for him at the Burrow. He had to make up some fabricated destination so they didn't know where he had been. He wasn't in the mood just then to hear Molly Weasley dote on how thoughtful he was for going to see Tonks.

"Remus, we've been wondering where you were!" said Molly when he came downstairs. "I checked the room a while ago and you weren't there. I had assumed you'd gone..."

Remus looked around the kitchen that was full to bursting with Weasleys, one Potter, and a Granger. He smiled as wide as he could and shook his head.

"I only went to Diagon Alley to buy some chocolate."

The kitchen laughed appreciatively at his behavior and went back to their lunch. Remus took a seat at the end of the table, buried himself in a lunch he did not want and tried to forget what he had done in the past hour.

Back in Hogsmeade, Tonks awoke to an empty bed and empty flat. She should have known this would happen. Had it been worth it to have him for a few moments? Had she done the right thing? All she could do was cry and cry...and persist.

-fin-