LJ Idol - Week 30 - Impossible

[messygorgeous]

"I'm never having children."

Sitting on my front porch in the sharp afternoon light of a late summer's day, the look on my mother's face was one of pure sorrow.

"But, why?"

Overbright rays of sun spiked through the pine thicket around my house and left blinding patches on the needle-blanketed yard. I squinted at the contrast of dazzle and dark and

Comments

[meridian_rose]

I've always said never and meant it. At 43 I'm still childfree and the "you'll change your mind!! It's not too late!!" attitude is always condescending and offensive to encounter.

[messygorgeous]

Did you find *this* entry condescending? That's interesting, because the intent was certainly not to say other people without children needed to reconsider such a deeply personal decision, just that, I personally was foolish when I was younger for not recognizing how important kids would be in *my* life, that it is "impossible" for me today to think I had ever said such a thing, impossible to imagine not being a mom when it is so much of who I am.

I know quite a few people who made the choice to not have children and while I know folks do question it, it's nobody's business but their own. My brother and his wife are two of them! They like their lives childfree and are completely content with the lifestyle it affords them.

It's good that you know yourself. It is such a sad situation to see a woman who had children because she thought she "should" or "had to" and then watch as she resentfully raises those kids. It's sad for her, women do far too many things to be "good," and even sadder for the children she didn't want.

[ryl]

It's good that you know yourself. It is such a sad situation to see a woman who had children because she thought she "should" or "had to" and then watch as she resentfully raises those kids. It's sad for her, women do far too many things to be "good," and even sadder for the children she didn't want.

What's worse is when the resentment is buried far beneath the surface. I know several women who only had children because they thought they had to. But at the same time I can see why they made that decision--our society pushes women towards being mothers whether they want to or not and after a while the constant "you'll change your mind" can wear you down.

I'm one of those who simply does not want a child. I'm fortunate in that I have a medical condition that prevents me from having a safe pregnancy and childbirth. I use that as my excuse why I don't have children. Does wonders for ending the conversation quickly and awkwardly. (For them, at least. *evil grin*)

[messygorgeous]

It sucks that you feel you have to have that excuse though. And unfair that you have to unveil something as personal as a medical condition for people to accept your decision. But, good on you for making nosy, pushy people pay, lol!

Damn the patriarchy and all that, but I know what you are saying is true, regarding society pushing motherhood on people. Men, and definitely women, look at other women who have made the choice to not have kids like something must be something wrong with them for pushing aside the "natural" desire to have kids.

My former sister in law has four children and I don't think she wanted any of them. One was ran away and was raised from a teen by my former MIL, one left and went to live with her father after they divorced...her interactions with them were always filled with irritation and judgement. It hurt me to see how she treated the kids, when I really believe it was her own life she was dissatisfied with.

[i_17bingo]

I've stuck to my decision not to have kids mostly because of my mental illness. I don't want to pass it on, and I feel bad enough that my wife has to live with it--and she's an adult who isn't beholden to me.

That said, I do feel like I'm missing something big. I love kids, and I love watching them grow.

[messygorgeous]

It's a brave choice. I had my children with my first husband, and remarried six years ago. My husband struggles with anxiety and depression. It's mostly manageable, but there are definitely darker times and it can be challenging.

While I would have loved to have a child with him - he has no biological children of his own - and a child is such a beautiful expression of two people's love made real, he really felt he couldn't handle everything that comes with a baby. We made the choice to not have a child together too.

If you love kids, I hope you have other little ones in your life to spend time with.

[penpusher]

Certainly you have touched a nerve when it comes to this topic and it's one many people have to consider as a part of the situation. With so many angles to view it, and with so many situations to need to negotiate it, it's impossible to say one decision is "right" and one is "wrong." Just like most of life, it's not entirely up to you anyhow. I have a pair of close friends who swore they would never have kids because they similarly felt that the world wasn't a place for them and used both male AND female contraception - and still got pregnant. Their son is now seven and is both their pride and joy and seems like he could be on track to help change the world for the better... Sometimes it really isn't up to you at all! The best we can do is the best we can do when our circumstances are what they are. Best to your family!

[messygorgeous]

I'm sort of fascinated that this entry is stirring up as much conversation as it has!

For me, the entry was written as a deeply personal reflection on my fear of having kids, my realization now that I was foolish to have not recognized, when I was younger, that motherhood was innate to my nature and also, as a bit of an apology to my own mom, who I know I flattened when I made that pronouncement years ago.

This entry was by no way my manifesto on the importance of all couples making babies, I don't believe that at all, lol, but I think I have definitely touched a nerve!

And, my god, you are correct that it is not as simple as making a decision. I have friends who have tried for years to get pregnant to no avail and great heartbreak and friends who tried to avoid it at all costs and became parents as well!

[bleodswean]

So many women struggle with this idea that the world isn't a place for children - a place for life. But isn't that exactly what it is? Congrats on facing your fears and congrats on your children!

[messygorgeous]

Great avatar!
Thank you for the kind words, I am lucky to have a terrific family.

[beeker121]

There's so much joy here. It's lovely to read of the care you put into your decision on both sides.