14 Valentines: Domestic Violence
Today's 14valentines essay is here.
Running a website and messageboard for people who self harm, suffer from depression, have eating disorders, have personality disorders or feel suicidal, I've had to deal with a lot of things. One of the most common things I've found, through talking with the members on the site, is that the majority of them have dealt with domestic abuse - emotional, physical, mental, sexual or sometimes a combination.
With that in mind, I wrote an article for the website's magazine dealing with domestic abuse. I've copied it here as I thought it would link to today's topic well, and maybe give someone the advice they need.
Dealing with Domestic Abuse
As most of you know, February is the month for Valentines’ Day and by now it's not be far away. While this time of year can be great if you’re in a happyrelationship, the flip side of Valentine’s Day, and the one most forgotten about when the whole world seems to celebrate being in love, is the number of people caught up in abusive and violent relationships.
UK statistics show that an estimated 635,000 incidents of domestic violence happened in 2001/2 in England and Wales - 81 per cent of the victims were women and 19 per cent were men. Trying to leave an abusive relationship can be extremely hard and it’s important that you try to protect yourself as much as you can, even if you’re not ready to leave.
Of course, while it’s easy for me to say that, when you’re in an abusive relationship it’s much harder to believe. Listed below are some tips to help keep you safe, and things to think about if you’re considering leaving the relationship.
If you are in an abusive relationship, think about:
• Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have include the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
• Friends or neighbours you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911.
• Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
• How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
• Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
• Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
• Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
• Going over your safety plan often.
If you consider leaving your abuser, think about:
• Four places you could go if you leave your home.
• People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
• Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
• Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
• How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
• How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
• Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE
Children (if it is safe)
Money
Keys to car, house, work
Extra clothes
Medicine
Important papers for you and your children
Birth certificates
Social security cards
School and medical records
Bankbooks, credit cards
Driver's license
Car registration
Welfare identification
Passports, green cards, work permits
Lease/rental agreement
Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
Insurance papers
PPO, divorce papers, custody orders
Address book
Pictures, jewellery, things that mean a lot to you
Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)
• Think about reviewing your safety plan often.
If you have left your abuser, think about:
• Your safety - you still need to.
• Getting a cell phone. Your local Domestic Violence Agency may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
• Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
• Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
• Telling friends and neighbours that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
• Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
• Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
• Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
• Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
• A safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.
• Going over your safety plan often.
Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave and keep being careful even after you have left.
There are a number of organisations which are there to provide help, information and support if you’re in an abusive relationship, and if you're ready to leave there are shelters which can give you information and provide a place of safety.
For more information on domestic abuse visit:
www.womensaid.org.uk
www.refuge.org.uk
www.endabuse.org/
And remember that you can always call 999 (911 in the US) and the emergency services. The police will take reports of domestic abuse seriously.
Running a website and messageboard for people who self harm, suffer from depression, have eating disorders, have personality disorders or feel suicidal, I've had to deal with a lot of things. One of the most common things I've found, through talking with the members on the site, is that the majority of them have dealt with domestic abuse - emotional, physical, mental, sexual or sometimes a combination.
With that in mind, I wrote an article for the website's magazine dealing with domestic abuse. I've copied it here as I thought it would link to today's topic well, and maybe give someone the advice they need.
Dealing with Domestic Abuse
As most of you know, February is the month for Valentines’ Day and by now it's not be far away. While this time of year can be great if you’re in a happyrelationship, the flip side of Valentine’s Day, and the one most forgotten about when the whole world seems to celebrate being in love, is the number of people caught up in abusive and violent relationships.
UK statistics show that an estimated 635,000 incidents of domestic violence happened in 2001/2 in England and Wales - 81 per cent of the victims were women and 19 per cent were men. Trying to leave an abusive relationship can be extremely hard and it’s important that you try to protect yourself as much as you can, even if you’re not ready to leave.
Of course, while it’s easy for me to say that, when you’re in an abusive relationship it’s much harder to believe. Listed below are some tips to help keep you safe, and things to think about if you’re considering leaving the relationship.
If you are in an abusive relationship, think about:
• Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have include the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
• Friends or neighbours you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911.
• Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
• How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
• Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
• Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
• Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
• Going over your safety plan often.
If you consider leaving your abuser, think about:
• Four places you could go if you leave your home.
• People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
• Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
• Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
• How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
• How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
• Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE
Children (if it is safe)
Money
Keys to car, house, work
Extra clothes
Medicine
Important papers for you and your children
Birth certificates
Social security cards
School and medical records
Bankbooks, credit cards
Driver's license
Car registration
Welfare identification
Passports, green cards, work permits
Lease/rental agreement
Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
Insurance papers
PPO, divorce papers, custody orders
Address book
Pictures, jewellery, things that mean a lot to you
Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)
• Think about reviewing your safety plan often.
If you have left your abuser, think about:
• Your safety - you still need to.
• Getting a cell phone. Your local Domestic Violence Agency may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
• Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
• Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
• Telling friends and neighbours that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
• Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
• Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
• Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
• Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
• A safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.
• Going over your safety plan often.
Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave and keep being careful even after you have left.
There are a number of organisations which are there to provide help, information and support if you’re in an abusive relationship, and if you're ready to leave there are shelters which can give you information and provide a place of safety.
For more information on domestic abuse visit:
www.womensaid.org.uk
www.refuge.org.uk
www.endabuse.org/
And remember that you can always call 999 (911 in the US) and the emergency services. The police will take reports of domestic abuse seriously.