Cassandra Phenomenon

[mellowtigger]

It's not bigotry if it's true.

I learned Friday morning about a new term. It's a term that apparently has some autistic self-advocates in quite an impressive twist. Some are rather shrill in calling it a sham and a bogus disorder, while others are more cautious and simply call it counterproductive to call attention to this disorder because it

Comments

[sctmpls]

Our friend Dennis (Erik's ex, not sure if you know him or not) has ASpergers and is in a relationship of 4 years now. They seem to work it out because Daniel (Dennis's partner) appreciates Dennis for who he is (flaws and all) and over communicates to Dennis when he needs affirmation or affection. It seems to work for them, so I think there is hope for you to find someone that accepts you for who you are.

[mellowtigger]

Yes, I know him, and he does read here sometimes. 4 years is already a lot longer than I ever achieved (1.5 years).

I saw on Thursday at the support group meeting that there was a flyer for a "partner of someone with autism" group. I thought it was AuSM that hosted the event, but I can't find it at their website now. Must've been some other group. I hope stuff like that really helps.

The authors I quoted above also mention that it goes both ways, so to speak. It's not just the autistic's "fault". I know that whenever I tried really hard to do something that was difficult for me so that I could impress my boyfriend... none of them ever said or did anything that acknowledged their understanding of its importance. The blindness for what is considered noteworthy can happen on both ends. There really does need to be a 3rd way, a middle ground, that blends both worldviews.

[sctmpls]

I agree 100% it goes both ways. Daniel is an ENFP on the Meyer-Briggs scale, so he tends to be pretty intuitive about how Dennis is feeling even if Dennis doesn't vocalize it. Being an extrovert, he also tends to be pretty vocal about what he needs from Dennis and goes out of his way to recognize when Dennis makes a compromise. They seem to have figured it out pretty well. Maybe the key is somewhat in finding someone with similar personality traits to Daniels. I know it didn't work out for Erik and Dennis for much the same reasons you are giving. Partially I think it was hard for them because they were also both introverts, so even though Erik would be frustrated with Dennis or vice versa, they wouldn't talk about it.

[dangerdhotrod]

1.5 years is the longest i've dated anyone too.

i really believe there's someone for everyone (and if i'm wrong i won't know until it's too late anyway so...)

but still i don't think you should give up hope for a relationship even if your hopes are continuously crushed. like intentionally cutting yourself out of dating as a rule you follow and for 12 years...i never dated you but i think the harm you might be causing others is something they can handle. think of all the totally crazy people out there dating and causing all kinds of drama, i don't see you causing anywhere near that kind of trouble. plus, maybe some people can take it, or it's worth the cost. i don't know, just don't cut yourself off from the world. i'm just saying pain is kind of part of life and you just have to put up with it to get the good stuff as well.

also i would like to hang out with you maybe at bear coffee some night, after the crazy convergence weekend is over. :)

[polygonia]

I don't know, I haven't been in a relationship before because I'm shy, but it seems like relationships take a lot of hard work, and it's good for a non-AS person to try to understand someone with AS rather than expect them be what they are not or to expect things from a relationship a person can't get because a relationship isn't about total complition and contentment

[mellowtigger]

No, I read nothing insulting in your words.

I think a useful metaphor here is dance. When two people are learning to dance, each may step on the other's toes and hurt them a little. The hurting lessens as they become more skillful at the dance. With some people, though, the stepping is more like stomping. It's more pain than the partner should ever be asked to endure. Sometimes it might be better for a massive klutz to bow out, stand along the wall alone, and just watch the other people dance.

I hadn't thought about counseling because I had already chosen my solution. It is a solution that works, after all, for its intended purpose. As I learn more, though, and think about the possibility of relationship... then I suppose counseling becomes more of a useful tool to consider.

[polygonia]

Yeah, I had some counseling for my social phobia with a psychologist. She was like, you have to get out and meet people more.

It's still hard for me because I don't totally like being social too, but I do want a boyfriend eventually, or perhaps even a girl friend.
As relationships sound appealing and kind of scary at the same time.

[cosmomn]

you are a brave man

[mellowtigger]

I don't know. I think bravery is a small part of it (bravery requires fear first, and that emotion was certainly there), but I freely admit that intense stubbornness is a really useful trait in this endeavor. "I made a decision, and I'm sticking to it." *laugh*

I do stray and sometimes daydream about possibilities. But I eventually snap out of it. :)

[mellowtigger]

Oh, and I should probably be clear that there was one exception to the "no sex" rule. Unintentional, though. We were watching tv, and he just sort of overheated and pounced. Or something. :) Not what I was expecting, anyway. Still, though, when I go out once every few months to have a drink at the 19 Bar, he's the only person I know who'll join me for a drink. I've asked a few people but he's the only taker. I've been better about staying in a "no pouncing zone" since then. *giggle*

[mojomike]

Isn't it the Tigger that's supposed to do the pouncing? ^_^

[mojomike]

This does sound like something that hopefully could be positive. I'm not sure why but looking back I seem to be irresistibly drawn to Aspergians, and it is always at first sight, some kind of instant recognition or automatic affinity. I think you might remember Peyton who I think today might have been identified that way if he was still alive (refresher: he killed himself), my friend Leif (used to date William Annis in college) has been identified as autistic - when I (re?)met him in my late 20s I felt that same thrum of the arrow hitting (and gave it up - he was married then), and I still wish I was still together with my friend D*** that I dated in my mid-20s who I am absolutely certain is autistic knowing what I know now. We were together for a year and I was perfectly happy because I care about him for who he is and all the ways he amazes me, and for who I was able to be with him around, but he dumped me (he said) because he didn't think it was "fair" that he could not express himself affectionately in ways he felt that I "

[mellowtigger]

(*cough*)

*whistle nonchalantly*

;)

But, yeah, knowledge is a good thing. Application of it can hopefully benefit a lot of relationships out there in the world.

[bootedintexas]

i am a new reader but wow that is a wonderfully written cohesive (yet intense) post. sobering and rational.

hug?

[mojomike]

Yeah Terry is really awesome that way.

[mellowtigger]

Hello, welcome to the list! (*laugh* I like the kitty expression chart.)