FIC: Broken Hallelujah (2/11)
Chapter 2
Castiel: "I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do."
Anna: "Like the old days."
A day had passed. He had not been seized and taken back to Heaven to await judgment. No mighty hand had reached down from the sky to crush him and turn him to dust. Everything seemed normal.
Except for Anna.
She had always passed by his hilltop station numerous times a day, either to exchange a pleasant word or anecdote or to obtain a report on the tasks he had completed. She had never stayed away from him so long.
He just hoped that she was simply avoiding him because of their indiscretion. The reason for her absence could be much, much worse.
Still, he knew that if she did not come to speak with him soon, that in itself would begin to raise suspicion. She must know that the more they changed their usual habits, the more unwanted attention it would bring. The longer she waited to see him, the more they were likely to be discovered.
Even as his concern for her grew, however, he noticed that any sign of the previous day's emotions had evaporated. He felt like himself again - resolute, composed, dispassionate. Aside from the guilty memories still lingering at the back of his mind, it was as though none of it had ever happened.
Not that this was much of a comfort to him. How could he feel no differently after what he had done? Was this how it went when you begin to lose all reason and give in to sinful desires - they become ingrained in your mind so quickly that you don't even notice they are there?
He had always been so sure of himself, of what he believed and how he served his Lord. Now there were so many questions.
Questions that would have to wait until he was alone to search for their answers.
"Castiel!"
He sighed at his jovial friend's booming voice. "Not now, Uriel," he said, attempting to focus on the humans milling about on the streets below. "I'm on watch duty."
"It can wait five minutes, can it not?" Uriel said, approaching Castiel with an excited air and peering over his shoulder at the ground below them. "Ah, nothing's going on down there. Come, some of us are going to watch the beginning of the war. It'll be a wonderful show!"
Castiel cringed and shook his head. "Uriel, sometimes I think you actually enjoy watching God's creation reduced to rubble. I'll pass."
"It's the Falklands!" Uriel exclaimed with a chuckle.
Castiel glared at him.
Uriel's excitement faded somewhat. "Don't give me that look, Castiel. It will be a short-lived war. We will make sure of that. Come, it will be entertaining."
"No." Castiel turned back to his assignment without giving Uriel another glance.
"Alright," Uriel said. "Have it your way." He turned to leave, but then paused. "By the way, have you seen Anna today?"
Castiel felt his entire being freeze. He couldn't tell if Uriel was asking out of mere idle curiosity or because he suspected their secret.
"I haven't seen her since yesterday," Castiel said as casually as he could. "Why, has she not made her rounds today?"
"Not that I've seen," Uriel said. To Castiel's relief, there seemed to be no suspicion in his tone. "I wouldn't be surprised if her daily revelation turned into a week-long lecture on how a garrison should be run. She has been neglecting her duties far too often of late."
"Isn't that what you are doing?"
Uriel scoffed at the accusatory look on Castiel's face. "My, my, you're very sensitive all of a sudden," he said. "It just so happens that Anna neglected to assign me any duties today. I only planned to take advantage of the scheduling conflict, but..." He backed away with his hands raised. "I know when I've outstayed my welcome. Have fun with your mud monkeys."
He disappeared before Castiel had a chance to chastise him for the new nickname he had given to the human race. Uriel knew how much he disliked it and therefore used it whenever he wanted to push Castiel's buttons.
Sometimes it seemed Castiel was the only angel left who had any true fondness for their Father's world.
And he was the one who had committed the gravest sin against Him.
"Where are you, Anna?" he whispered, not daring to pray for her safety but hoping for it as hard as he could. He didn't want to risk summoning her using internal communications, since that would risk other angels overhearing and becoming suspicious. He just wished that he could see her face or hear her voice, just to know that she was well.
He was starting to wish for some catastrophe below so that he would have legitimate reason to call for her when he saw a familiar light approaching.
"Anna," he said as she came to rest on the ground beside him. "I am glad you're well." For a moment he was surprised at how calmly he was responding to her, but he was feeling none of the previous day's thrill at her presence. This gave him great relief as well as a slight, aching sadness. It had seemed so real, but now it was truly gone.
"Our superiors have assigned me extra duties to make up for my lack of productivity of late," she said stiffly. "Do you have anything to report?"
"No," he said. "All is quiet."
"Good." At first she seemed ready to leave without another word, but something made her pause. When she spoke again, her voice was barely more than a whisper. "Meet me on the island after nightfall. We need to talk."
And then she was gone.
The island... Castiel wondered why she would want to return to the scene of their crime. It had been their secret place for the past year - the place they would go when Anna needed to bare her soul without being overheard. They had both liked it there, far away from the prying eyes that surrounded them every day. It was where he had rediscovered his love for God's creation, walking there amid the trees and wildlife that had gone untouched by human hands and unseen by human eyes for decades.
But now it was tainted. It would forever live in his memory as the place where he had taken his first step down the road of disobedience and self-service. He did not wish to take another.
Why would Anna ask him to return?
He knew the answer was probably simple - privacy. Still, he wondered if there were something more.
The wait until nightfall was agonizing, but finally the sun began to set. He met with Uriel and others from their garrison for revelation, receiving commendation for good work done as well as orders for the following day. It was his first time seeking revelation since committing his sin, and for the first time in his memory, it did not come as a pleasure to him. He could feel the weight of his secret pulling him down and serving as a barrier between himself and Heaven.
It was almost as painful for him as the worst punishment he could imagine.
He didn't see Anna until after their meditation was over and those on night watch had gone to their posts. She nodded to him from across the courtyard and flew off in the direction opposite to the island. Castiel knew this meant that she intended to circle around and approach it from a different angle to avoid being pursued. He followed her example and arrived on the island moments behind her.
"We don't have much time," Anna said as soon as his feet touched the ground. She seemed almost frantic, in stark contrast to her calm and stoic demeanour from earlier in the day. "We have a serious problem, Castiel."
"Were you discovered?" he asked anxiously.
"No. Not yet," she said, pacing back and forth in front of him. "But I will be."
"What are you..."
She stopped and looked him in the eye for the first time that day. "There's a child."
He shook his head in confusion. "What child?"
She took a deep breath, fear tightening her features more than he ever remembered seeing before, even in the thick of battle. "Our child," she said. "I am carrying our child."
He almost laughed, hoping for a moment that she was attempting humour. It was too absurd to be truth.
But then, there was her fear.
"Our... that's impossible," he said, even as he began to notice the slight anomalies in Anna's usual radiance and colouring. She did seem... different.
"Obviously not."
He stared at her in disbelief. "We're not human, Anna," he said, an angry bite creeping into his tone at his unwillingness to believe what she was telling him. "We cannot procreate."
"That's what we've always thought," she said. "But it's happening. Believe me."
"We don't have physical bodies or..."
"Our energies merged and became one," she interrupted in her most authoritative tone. "Part of your being remained in mine, and now it is growing and becoming sentient. I can feel it, Castiel. How is that not procreation?"
He turned his back to her in disgust. "This is sacrilege!"
"It is our reality!"
Reality... he could no longer fathom what the word even meant. What she was saying went against everything he had ever believed or held sacred. It was their purpose, their duty as soldiers of the Lord to remain solitary, detached. He and Anna had united - something he had always believed was impossible, and was certainly an abomination and a direct violation of God's holy laws.
And now... a child? Angels had never been children. They were now as they had always been - fearsome warriors created for the sole mission of carrying out their Father's will. There was no such thing as an angel child.
"We have to accept this as our lot and decide upon a course of action," Anna continued when Castiel remained silent. "I don't know how long I can hide my condition from the others, but..."
"Hide?" Castiel turned around to face her. "We must tell Raguel right away."
Anna's mouth fell open in shock. "No," she said, as though she found even the idea of doing so offensive.
"He might know what all of this means," Castiel said, his righteous anger rising at her obstinacy. "He could tell us what to do."
"He would have us put to death!"
"Unless all of this was beyond our control." Castiel took a few paces toward her, earnestly beseeching her with his eyes to hear his logic. "I was not myself at the time, and neither were you. Perhaps something is happening to us both, something we cannot understand on our own. If this is God's will..."
Anna scoffed, her expression one of disgust and contempt. "God's will?"
"Yes! Perhaps God needs this child for some divine purpose."
Anna shook her head and backed away from him. "You are out of your mind, Castiel. God would never want us to break the rules He laid out for us." She opened the front of her robe just enough to reveal the slowly expanding trace of foreign energy oscillating deep inside the core of her own. "This..." she said, waving her hand toward the area even though it could now be plainly seen. "This is undoubtedly the very reason why intimacy among our kind is forbidden."
Castiel stared at the spot for a long moment, not knowing what he should think or how he should respond, and attempting to ignore the temptation to feel. He knew that she must be right but, God help him, he wished she were wrong.
"They will kill the child to cover our sin, Castiel," Anna said as she closed her robe again. "And you and I will disappear forever without anyone knowing the truth."
Castiel flinched and turned his face away. "Then perhaps that is what we deserve," he said, belief in upholding the law so deeply ingrained in him that the words came almost automatically.
Anna sighed. "Ever the obedient soldier."
Castiel looked down, knowing that even though her tone had been kind, the words were meant to convey her disappointment.
"No," she said. "That is not what we deserve. Whether we were in control of our actions or not, we don't deserve to die. Our child does not deserve to die." She stepped closer to him and laid her hand on his arm. "Our only crime was love," she said as she attempted to make eye contact. "Love is not wrong, Cas. Love is good. It's right."
He kept his face turned away from her, forcing himself to remain strong, focused, emotionless. "Not for us," he said coolly. "For us it is unnatural... against God's law. It's wrong, Anna."
"Why? Because God wants us to be the mindless guardians of His creation?" Anna shook her head and removed her hand from Castiel's arm. "He abandoned us to our own devices long ago," she said bitterly. "Why should we continue serving Him?"
"Stop this blasphemy! Just because He hasn't made His will known to us, it does not mean that we are abandoned."
Anna's eyes began to shine with unshed tears. "But we are," she said, emotion clouding her voice. "Look at what is happening to us. We are. All we have is each other."
She reached for his hand, and somehow he couldn't bring himself to pull it away.
"We have always been a team, you and I," she said with a smile.
Castiel looked down at their intertwined hands with an aching soul. He wanted to let the emotions back in, but it was wrong. So very, very wrong.
He shook his head. "I can't. It goes against everything I believe, everything I've fought my entire life to uphold." He looked up at her sadly, willing her to understand. "I can't love, Anna. I can't turn away from what is right. I need to remain in faithful service to our Father. Whatever it takes... I must seek forgiveness and accept the consequences of my actions."
"Even if it means our deaths?"
"Yes." The word felt like a sword through his heart, but he knew that it was right. A small comfort that seemed to him now.
Anna nodded slowly. "Then you're right," she said, the tears finally falling from her eyes. "You can't love. Not as I love you."
"Don’t," he whispered. He somehow knew what she was about to say, and it would hurt him more than death itself to hear it.
She touched his face, the energy from her hand warming him right down to his soul. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel some comfort from the caress.
"If you want to stay," she said, "then stay you should. You have always done whatever I ask without question... even when I asked you to fall into sin. I won't ask you to turn your back on your convictions again."
"You were not solely to blame," he said, the thought of her taking all of the responsibility upon herself too much for him to bear.
"Still. I will be the one to put things right. Go back to your duties as though none of this has happened. That is the last order I will give you. All I ask is that you be as true to our vow of kinship as you are to your vow of devotion to our Father."
Castiel bowed his head again, barely able to stay standing under the pressure of the task being given to him.
"Say nothing of our sins so that I may run and hide before my secret is discovered," Anna continued, her voice gaining strength with every word. "I will take all of the blame, and you... you can carry on serving the Lord as you always have."
Castiel shook his head solemnly. "Not when there is sin in my heart."
Anna smiled, taking his face in both of her hands and forcing him to look into her eyes. "Don't you see? You are good, Castiel. Your guilt and repentance prove that you have done no wrong and have no need of forgiveness."
He tried to pull his face away, all of the guilt and shame washing over him again, but she held him firmly in place.
"All you need to do is forgive yourself," she said earnestly. "God will not hold this against you, Cas. Not when you have been such a faithful servant for so long." She paused, stroking his face fondly as though wiping his negative thoughts away. "And I will not betray you. Not if they throw me into the deepest fires of Hell. You will be safe and free. That is what I want more than anything."
He had always admired her strength and courage, but as he gazed into her eyes in that moment, he began to admire her for so much more. He knew that he could never turn from the path of righteousness, but oh, how he longed to have a fragment of her sense of self.
"You can't do this alone," he said, though he knew it was futile to try to change her mind.
Anna smiled and pressed her forehead to his. "I will never be alone."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In a dark, damp, and dirty corner of the Earth, he paced back and forth in anger and impatience. He should have known the thing would be late, leaving him here in this disgusting place to think about how low he had stooped, how far he had fallen.
It had been more than an hour, and still, all he could hear was the wind.
He spun around in a full circle, spreading his wings wide as a show of his formidable strength. "Show yourself you reeking pile of excrement!" he bellowed. "Or do you plan on keeping me waiting here for all eternity?"
Its low chuckle sounded somewhere close by. Finally it stepped out of the shadows, its mottled amber eyes glowing brightly. "Did you really think I wouldn't stand back and enjoy the show?"
His rage was growing by the second, but he held it down by sheer force of will. He didn't want this thing to have the satisfaction of seeing him lose control.
"Is it done?" it asked, its smile finally fading as it got down to business.
He grimaced, the knowledge of what he had done leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. "It's done," he said bitterly. "Though you still haven't told me what you could possibly want with an in-bred angel child."
It leered at him menacingly. "Mind your own business."
"Anything involving angels is my business."
"Ah, yes," it said, stepping so close in front of him that its sulphuric stench almost overpowered his senses. "But an angel's unnatural, bastard offspring?" It chuckled. "Sinful. Dirty. Shameful. That falls under my jurisdiction."
He shook his head, wanting nothing more than to wipe this despicable creature from existence.
"You just do what I told you like a good little lapdog," it said in a sly, condescending tone, "and when the deed is done, you'll get what I promised you."
You'll get what I promised you. Those words were all that was keeping him sane and on the path he believed was right. Because no matter what horrors and treachery must come to pass in the meantime, on the day that promise was fulfilled, it would all be worth the price they had paid.
They would see.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 3
Castiel: "I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do."
Anna: "Like the old days."
A day had passed. He had not been seized and taken back to Heaven to await judgment. No mighty hand had reached down from the sky to crush him and turn him to dust. Everything seemed normal.
Except for Anna.
She had always passed by his hilltop station numerous times a day, either to exchange a pleasant word or anecdote or to obtain a report on the tasks he had completed. She had never stayed away from him so long.
He just hoped that she was simply avoiding him because of their indiscretion. The reason for her absence could be much, much worse.
Still, he knew that if she did not come to speak with him soon, that in itself would begin to raise suspicion. She must know that the more they changed their usual habits, the more unwanted attention it would bring. The longer she waited to see him, the more they were likely to be discovered.
Even as his concern for her grew, however, he noticed that any sign of the previous day's emotions had evaporated. He felt like himself again - resolute, composed, dispassionate. Aside from the guilty memories still lingering at the back of his mind, it was as though none of it had ever happened.
Not that this was much of a comfort to him. How could he feel no differently after what he had done? Was this how it went when you begin to lose all reason and give in to sinful desires - they become ingrained in your mind so quickly that you don't even notice they are there?
He had always been so sure of himself, of what he believed and how he served his Lord. Now there were so many questions.
Questions that would have to wait until he was alone to search for their answers.
"Castiel!"
He sighed at his jovial friend's booming voice. "Not now, Uriel," he said, attempting to focus on the humans milling about on the streets below. "I'm on watch duty."
"It can wait five minutes, can it not?" Uriel said, approaching Castiel with an excited air and peering over his shoulder at the ground below them. "Ah, nothing's going on down there. Come, some of us are going to watch the beginning of the war. It'll be a wonderful show!"
Castiel cringed and shook his head. "Uriel, sometimes I think you actually enjoy watching God's creation reduced to rubble. I'll pass."
"It's the Falklands!" Uriel exclaimed with a chuckle.
Castiel glared at him.
Uriel's excitement faded somewhat. "Don't give me that look, Castiel. It will be a short-lived war. We will make sure of that. Come, it will be entertaining."
"No." Castiel turned back to his assignment without giving Uriel another glance.
"Alright," Uriel said. "Have it your way." He turned to leave, but then paused. "By the way, have you seen Anna today?"
Castiel felt his entire being freeze. He couldn't tell if Uriel was asking out of mere idle curiosity or because he suspected their secret.
"I haven't seen her since yesterday," Castiel said as casually as he could. "Why, has she not made her rounds today?"
"Not that I've seen," Uriel said. To Castiel's relief, there seemed to be no suspicion in his tone. "I wouldn't be surprised if her daily revelation turned into a week-long lecture on how a garrison should be run. She has been neglecting her duties far too often of late."
"Isn't that what you are doing?"
Uriel scoffed at the accusatory look on Castiel's face. "My, my, you're very sensitive all of a sudden," he said. "It just so happens that Anna neglected to assign me any duties today. I only planned to take advantage of the scheduling conflict, but..." He backed away with his hands raised. "I know when I've outstayed my welcome. Have fun with your mud monkeys."
He disappeared before Castiel had a chance to chastise him for the new nickname he had given to the human race. Uriel knew how much he disliked it and therefore used it whenever he wanted to push Castiel's buttons.
Sometimes it seemed Castiel was the only angel left who had any true fondness for their Father's world.
And he was the one who had committed the gravest sin against Him.
"Where are you, Anna?" he whispered, not daring to pray for her safety but hoping for it as hard as he could. He didn't want to risk summoning her using internal communications, since that would risk other angels overhearing and becoming suspicious. He just wished that he could see her face or hear her voice, just to know that she was well.
He was starting to wish for some catastrophe below so that he would have legitimate reason to call for her when he saw a familiar light approaching.
"Anna," he said as she came to rest on the ground beside him. "I am glad you're well." For a moment he was surprised at how calmly he was responding to her, but he was feeling none of the previous day's thrill at her presence. This gave him great relief as well as a slight, aching sadness. It had seemed so real, but now it was truly gone.
"Our superiors have assigned me extra duties to make up for my lack of productivity of late," she said stiffly. "Do you have anything to report?"
"No," he said. "All is quiet."
"Good." At first she seemed ready to leave without another word, but something made her pause. When she spoke again, her voice was barely more than a whisper. "Meet me on the island after nightfall. We need to talk."
And then she was gone.
The island... Castiel wondered why she would want to return to the scene of their crime. It had been their secret place for the past year - the place they would go when Anna needed to bare her soul without being overheard. They had both liked it there, far away from the prying eyes that surrounded them every day. It was where he had rediscovered his love for God's creation, walking there amid the trees and wildlife that had gone untouched by human hands and unseen by human eyes for decades.
But now it was tainted. It would forever live in his memory as the place where he had taken his first step down the road of disobedience and self-service. He did not wish to take another.
Why would Anna ask him to return?
He knew the answer was probably simple - privacy. Still, he wondered if there were something more.
The wait until nightfall was agonizing, but finally the sun began to set. He met with Uriel and others from their garrison for revelation, receiving commendation for good work done as well as orders for the following day. It was his first time seeking revelation since committing his sin, and for the first time in his memory, it did not come as a pleasure to him. He could feel the weight of his secret pulling him down and serving as a barrier between himself and Heaven.
It was almost as painful for him as the worst punishment he could imagine.
He didn't see Anna until after their meditation was over and those on night watch had gone to their posts. She nodded to him from across the courtyard and flew off in the direction opposite to the island. Castiel knew this meant that she intended to circle around and approach it from a different angle to avoid being pursued. He followed her example and arrived on the island moments behind her.
"We don't have much time," Anna said as soon as his feet touched the ground. She seemed almost frantic, in stark contrast to her calm and stoic demeanour from earlier in the day. "We have a serious problem, Castiel."
"Were you discovered?" he asked anxiously.
"No. Not yet," she said, pacing back and forth in front of him. "But I will be."
"What are you..."
She stopped and looked him in the eye for the first time that day. "There's a child."
He shook his head in confusion. "What child?"
She took a deep breath, fear tightening her features more than he ever remembered seeing before, even in the thick of battle. "Our child," she said. "I am carrying our child."
He almost laughed, hoping for a moment that she was attempting humour. It was too absurd to be truth.
But then, there was her fear.
"Our... that's impossible," he said, even as he began to notice the slight anomalies in Anna's usual radiance and colouring. She did seem... different.
"Obviously not."
He stared at her in disbelief. "We're not human, Anna," he said, an angry bite creeping into his tone at his unwillingness to believe what she was telling him. "We cannot procreate."
"That's what we've always thought," she said. "But it's happening. Believe me."
"We don't have physical bodies or..."
"Our energies merged and became one," she interrupted in her most authoritative tone. "Part of your being remained in mine, and now it is growing and becoming sentient. I can feel it, Castiel. How is that not procreation?"
He turned his back to her in disgust. "This is sacrilege!"
"It is our reality!"
Reality... he could no longer fathom what the word even meant. What she was saying went against everything he had ever believed or held sacred. It was their purpose, their duty as soldiers of the Lord to remain solitary, detached. He and Anna had united - something he had always believed was impossible, and was certainly an abomination and a direct violation of God's holy laws.
And now... a child? Angels had never been children. They were now as they had always been - fearsome warriors created for the sole mission of carrying out their Father's will. There was no such thing as an angel child.
"We have to accept this as our lot and decide upon a course of action," Anna continued when Castiel remained silent. "I don't know how long I can hide my condition from the others, but..."
"Hide?" Castiel turned around to face her. "We must tell Raguel right away."
Anna's mouth fell open in shock. "No," she said, as though she found even the idea of doing so offensive.
"He might know what all of this means," Castiel said, his righteous anger rising at her obstinacy. "He could tell us what to do."
"He would have us put to death!"
"Unless all of this was beyond our control." Castiel took a few paces toward her, earnestly beseeching her with his eyes to hear his logic. "I was not myself at the time, and neither were you. Perhaps something is happening to us both, something we cannot understand on our own. If this is God's will..."
Anna scoffed, her expression one of disgust and contempt. "God's will?"
"Yes! Perhaps God needs this child for some divine purpose."
Anna shook her head and backed away from him. "You are out of your mind, Castiel. God would never want us to break the rules He laid out for us." She opened the front of her robe just enough to reveal the slowly expanding trace of foreign energy oscillating deep inside the core of her own. "This..." she said, waving her hand toward the area even though it could now be plainly seen. "This is undoubtedly the very reason why intimacy among our kind is forbidden."
Castiel stared at the spot for a long moment, not knowing what he should think or how he should respond, and attempting to ignore the temptation to feel. He knew that she must be right but, God help him, he wished she were wrong.
"They will kill the child to cover our sin, Castiel," Anna said as she closed her robe again. "And you and I will disappear forever without anyone knowing the truth."
Castiel flinched and turned his face away. "Then perhaps that is what we deserve," he said, belief in upholding the law so deeply ingrained in him that the words came almost automatically.
Anna sighed. "Ever the obedient soldier."
Castiel looked down, knowing that even though her tone had been kind, the words were meant to convey her disappointment.
"No," she said. "That is not what we deserve. Whether we were in control of our actions or not, we don't deserve to die. Our child does not deserve to die." She stepped closer to him and laid her hand on his arm. "Our only crime was love," she said as she attempted to make eye contact. "Love is not wrong, Cas. Love is good. It's right."
He kept his face turned away from her, forcing himself to remain strong, focused, emotionless. "Not for us," he said coolly. "For us it is unnatural... against God's law. It's wrong, Anna."
"Why? Because God wants us to be the mindless guardians of His creation?" Anna shook her head and removed her hand from Castiel's arm. "He abandoned us to our own devices long ago," she said bitterly. "Why should we continue serving Him?"
"Stop this blasphemy! Just because He hasn't made His will known to us, it does not mean that we are abandoned."
Anna's eyes began to shine with unshed tears. "But we are," she said, emotion clouding her voice. "Look at what is happening to us. We are. All we have is each other."
She reached for his hand, and somehow he couldn't bring himself to pull it away.
"We have always been a team, you and I," she said with a smile.
Castiel looked down at their intertwined hands with an aching soul. He wanted to let the emotions back in, but it was wrong. So very, very wrong.
He shook his head. "I can't. It goes against everything I believe, everything I've fought my entire life to uphold." He looked up at her sadly, willing her to understand. "I can't love, Anna. I can't turn away from what is right. I need to remain in faithful service to our Father. Whatever it takes... I must seek forgiveness and accept the consequences of my actions."
"Even if it means our deaths?"
"Yes." The word felt like a sword through his heart, but he knew that it was right. A small comfort that seemed to him now.
Anna nodded slowly. "Then you're right," she said, the tears finally falling from her eyes. "You can't love. Not as I love you."
"Don’t," he whispered. He somehow knew what she was about to say, and it would hurt him more than death itself to hear it.
She touched his face, the energy from her hand warming him right down to his soul. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel some comfort from the caress.
"If you want to stay," she said, "then stay you should. You have always done whatever I ask without question... even when I asked you to fall into sin. I won't ask you to turn your back on your convictions again."
"You were not solely to blame," he said, the thought of her taking all of the responsibility upon herself too much for him to bear.
"Still. I will be the one to put things right. Go back to your duties as though none of this has happened. That is the last order I will give you. All I ask is that you be as true to our vow of kinship as you are to your vow of devotion to our Father."
Castiel bowed his head again, barely able to stay standing under the pressure of the task being given to him.
"Say nothing of our sins so that I may run and hide before my secret is discovered," Anna continued, her voice gaining strength with every word. "I will take all of the blame, and you... you can carry on serving the Lord as you always have."
Castiel shook his head solemnly. "Not when there is sin in my heart."
Anna smiled, taking his face in both of her hands and forcing him to look into her eyes. "Don't you see? You are good, Castiel. Your guilt and repentance prove that you have done no wrong and have no need of forgiveness."
He tried to pull his face away, all of the guilt and shame washing over him again, but she held him firmly in place.
"All you need to do is forgive yourself," she said earnestly. "God will not hold this against you, Cas. Not when you have been such a faithful servant for so long." She paused, stroking his face fondly as though wiping his negative thoughts away. "And I will not betray you. Not if they throw me into the deepest fires of Hell. You will be safe and free. That is what I want more than anything."
He had always admired her strength and courage, but as he gazed into her eyes in that moment, he began to admire her for so much more. He knew that he could never turn from the path of righteousness, but oh, how he longed to have a fragment of her sense of self.
"You can't do this alone," he said, though he knew it was futile to try to change her mind.
Anna smiled and pressed her forehead to his. "I will never be alone."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In a dark, damp, and dirty corner of the Earth, he paced back and forth in anger and impatience. He should have known the thing would be late, leaving him here in this disgusting place to think about how low he had stooped, how far he had fallen.
It had been more than an hour, and still, all he could hear was the wind.
He spun around in a full circle, spreading his wings wide as a show of his formidable strength. "Show yourself you reeking pile of excrement!" he bellowed. "Or do you plan on keeping me waiting here for all eternity?"
Its low chuckle sounded somewhere close by. Finally it stepped out of the shadows, its mottled amber eyes glowing brightly. "Did you really think I wouldn't stand back and enjoy the show?"
His rage was growing by the second, but he held it down by sheer force of will. He didn't want this thing to have the satisfaction of seeing him lose control.
"Is it done?" it asked, its smile finally fading as it got down to business.
He grimaced, the knowledge of what he had done leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. "It's done," he said bitterly. "Though you still haven't told me what you could possibly want with an in-bred angel child."
It leered at him menacingly. "Mind your own business."
"Anything involving angels is my business."
"Ah, yes," it said, stepping so close in front of him that its sulphuric stench almost overpowered his senses. "But an angel's unnatural, bastard offspring?" It chuckled. "Sinful. Dirty. Shameful. That falls under my jurisdiction."
He shook his head, wanting nothing more than to wipe this despicable creature from existence.
"You just do what I told you like a good little lapdog," it said in a sly, condescending tone, "and when the deed is done, you'll get what I promised you."
You'll get what I promised you. Those words were all that was keeping him sane and on the path he believed was right. Because no matter what horrors and treachery must come to pass in the meantime, on the day that promise was fulfilled, it would all be worth the price they had paid.
They would see.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 3