FIC: Broken Hallelujah (1/11)
Title: Broken Hallelujah
Author: MegTDJ
Category: Angel!fic, angst
Rating: T
Pairing: Castiel/Anna
Spoilers: Anything up to and including 4x22, Lucifer Rising
Length: 27,000+ words
Summary: The hidden story behind Anna's fall from grace.
Warning: I'm completely re-writing canon here.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. I'm doing this for fun, not profit. The only thing I own is the story itself, so please don't archive this fic without my permission.
Author's notes: This is ANNA-POSITIVE FIC. Meaning, she is the heroine of this story. Please do not read if that is likely to bother you. I won't be offended.
This story started out as part of a weird fake-spoilers contest Kerri and I were having, where we would come up with the wackiest ideas we possibly could and call them spoilers for season 5. When this idea first popped into my head, I thought it was the most absurd of them all. But then I started trying to justify it, and before I knew it, it had started to make sense to me.
Believe it or not, I actually tried to stay as true to canon as I possibly could with this story, but that's all it is - a story. Something I thought would be fun to explore, not something I believe is actually going to happen on the show. This is probably as far from Kripke's vision as it could possibly be, but it was loads of fun to write, so I hope it'll be fun to read as well. :)
Many thanks to Kerri for the inspiration, second opinions, suggestions, Cas/Anna icons, innumerable butt-kickings, and being an awesome sounding board. You rock. :)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Broken Hallelujah
Chapter 1
Castiel: "Still, we have a history..."
"This should not have been possible."
He felt shame. So much shame that he wondered how he could still be alive under the weight of it. He had never felt such shame before.
"We must never speak of it again," she said. She wrapped her robe around her shoulders as she stood, her back turned towards him as though she were afraid to show him her face.
Such a strong and powerful warrior... afraid? He knew that she must have been feeling the same overwhelming shame and confusion as he.
Feeling... it was a new sensation for them both. He wondered what could have gone wrong that would cause this to happen. They were supposed to be cold, resolute, unwavering, undistracted. They weren't supposed to feel.
They certainly weren't supposed to feel love.
"What should we do?" he asked. "Should we seek forgiveness?"
"No." She turned to face him then, but kept her eyes averted from his. "We do nothing but return to our duties. Raguel will arrive shortly for a full report, and if our tasks have not been completed..."
"Anna."
The softly-spoken word made her pause, and emotion clouded her face for just a moment before she recovered her stern veneer. "Return to your duties, Castiel. That's an order."
He allowed himself a brief moment of sorrow as he watched her disappear in a faint glow of light. How could he just return to his duties as though nothing had happened? As though life as he knew it hadn't been turned on its head and altered forever?
Angels weren't supposed to experience physical affection. How then had this happened? Were they the only ones? He had never, in all of his ten thousand years, heard of angels mating in this way. But then, perhaps those who had committed such a grave sin were immediately banished from Heaven, sent far below to the depths of Hell to spend eternity being punished for their crime, never to be seen or talked about again by those who had known them.
He groaned as the potential consequences began to sink in. What had they done?
And did God already know?
He suddenly felt as though there were eyes all around him, watching his every move, silently accusing him of all the things he had spent his entire life loathing - blasphemy, disobedience, carelessness. Was a mighty hand about to strike him down for what he had done? Would he be seized as soon as he left this place and never be free again?
Had Anna already been taken the moment she left?
Their lives were over, he had no doubt of that. And for what? A brief moment of forbidden passion that had descended upon them out of nowhere and left them feeling reckless, intoxicated. Why had they not considered the consequences? Why had they been so blind? Why, after all these years of working side by side, had their bond suddenly grown so strong that it had overpowered them? Was it his fault? Had he forced his dearest friend into this situation and sealed her doom with his foolishness?
The guilt and anguish finally became too much for him. He fell down onto the ground and wept.
"Father, forgive me!" he cried. "I will do anything you ask of me to make this right!"
Despite his weeping and earnest pleas for guidance, the heavens stayed silent.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Do they know? Can they tell what I've done?" Anna asked herself as she passed through the hosts of her comrades. Every glance in her direction felt like an accusation, though she knew it was only in her mind. She tried to hide any sign of her guilt or shame, but she could feel them gnawing at her deep inside.
Still, even these were no match for her anger.
It seemed absurd that she should be fearing for her life simply because she had allowed herself to love. If it were only her life that was in danger, she wouldn't care. She was rapidly growing disillusioned with this life and the code of conduct she was forced to live by, thanks to all of the hypocrisy she saw amongst the warriors of Heaven. She knew she had allowed her discontent to lead her too far off the righteous path this time, but she almost felt it would be worth the price to shout it out before everyone in the garrison that she could feel. That there was so much more to their existence than rules and order and mindless obedience.
But what of Castiel? His was a life she was not willing to risk. Despite the difference in their ranks, he had been her closest friend and confidante for hundreds of years, the only living soul she trusted to share her innermost thoughts and her growing doubts about the way the Heavenly army had been run over the past few decades. She knew how harsh their punishment would be if they were ever discovered in their sin, and she would rather die than allow him to suffer in that way.
Thoughts of God never even crossed her mind. It had been made clear to her again and again in the past years that He had turned a blind eye on His angels and their activities. He was no longer watching them, rewarding them for their good deeds, or punishing them for their failures.
That was Raguel's department.
For the past century, Raguel had seen all and known all, seeming to have informants in every garrison as well as near-omniscience both in Heaven and on Earth. If you made a mistake, Raguel knew when and where and why. If you lay aside your duties for a time, no matter how hard you tried to conceal it by doubling your workload for the rest of the day, he could smell your negligence on the air and gave you ten times the work for your next assignment. If you committed any act of disobedience or blasphemy, it was he who sent you to judgment. He was as cold and unrelenting as an angel could be.
She must not allow him to learn of her transgression. The consequences would be more severe than she could even imagine.
"You look troubled, Anna."
Inwardly she flinched at the sound of Raguel's voice, but outwardly she maintained her composure. "I have many duties to complete before the day is through," she said as she faced him. "What can I do for you, Raguel?"
He studied her face for a long moment, but Anna knew this tactic too well to be taken off-guard. She waited patiently for him to continue, keeping her expression as hard as granite.
Finally, he seemed satisfied with his findings. "You have been slow with your assignment today," he said in his usual strict tone. "Your entire company is falling behind. If this keeps up, Anna, I will be forced to reassign you to a lower position and give your command over to someone who will treat their post with the proper respect."
Anna lowered her head. "I understand. I'll put everyone on double duties right away, and I assure you that we will never fall behind again."
Raguel inclined his head in approval. "See that it is so."
Anna waited until Raguel had disappeared before she allowed herself a sigh of relief. If only Castiel could pass the monitor's inspection as easily, their sin might yet go undetected.
That was the lie she continued to tell herself even as she began to feel the changes taking place inside of her.
She tried to ignore it, but as the day wore on it became impossible to deny that there was a strange and unfamiliar energy slowly forming and expanding throughout her body. It was so minute that no one around her could see, but it was undoubtedly there, filling her with a sense of dread so strong that by nightfall her composure was all but gone. Before her presence would be required in the praise hall, she flew to the farthest, most secluded corner of the Earth that she could find so that she could finally pour out her fear and anguish into the void.
No one needed to tell her what was happening. She knew. She was the only one who could know. No one else would believe for a moment that it was even possible. She would never have believed it herself if it weren't happening to her. She was an abomination, a freak of the natural order, a curse to her kind, a walking blasphemy.
She was with child.
How it had happened, she neither knew nor cared. The only word raging through her mind was why.
"Why is this happening to me?" she screamed as loud as she could, making the rocks and earth around her shake violently. "Did I not do all You asked of me for ten thousand years? Was that not enough for me to earn favour in Your sight? Now that I have doubt in my mind, is this how You've chosen to punish me?"
She sank to her knees and gazed up at the silent heavens. She felt abandoned, hopeless, as small and insignificant as a speck of dust. "Father, why?" she sobbed. "WHY???"
There was no reply.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 2
Author: MegTDJ
Category: Angel!fic, angst
Rating: T
Pairing: Castiel/Anna
Spoilers: Anything up to and including 4x22, Lucifer Rising
Length: 27,000+ words
Summary: The hidden story behind Anna's fall from grace.
Warning: I'm completely re-writing canon here.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. I'm doing this for fun, not profit. The only thing I own is the story itself, so please don't archive this fic without my permission.
Author's notes: This is ANNA-POSITIVE FIC. Meaning, she is the heroine of this story. Please do not read if that is likely to bother you. I won't be offended.
This story started out as part of a weird fake-spoilers contest Kerri and I were having, where we would come up with the wackiest ideas we possibly could and call them spoilers for season 5. When this idea first popped into my head, I thought it was the most absurd of them all. But then I started trying to justify it, and before I knew it, it had started to make sense to me.
Believe it or not, I actually tried to stay as true to canon as I possibly could with this story, but that's all it is - a story. Something I thought would be fun to explore, not something I believe is actually going to happen on the show. This is probably as far from Kripke's vision as it could possibly be, but it was loads of fun to write, so I hope it'll be fun to read as well. :)
Many thanks to Kerri for the inspiration, second opinions, suggestions, Cas/Anna icons, innumerable butt-kickings, and being an awesome sounding board. You rock. :)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Broken Hallelujah
Chapter 1
Castiel: "Still, we have a history..."
"This should not have been possible."
He felt shame. So much shame that he wondered how he could still be alive under the weight of it. He had never felt such shame before.
"We must never speak of it again," she said. She wrapped her robe around her shoulders as she stood, her back turned towards him as though she were afraid to show him her face.
Such a strong and powerful warrior... afraid? He knew that she must have been feeling the same overwhelming shame and confusion as he.
Feeling... it was a new sensation for them both. He wondered what could have gone wrong that would cause this to happen. They were supposed to be cold, resolute, unwavering, undistracted. They weren't supposed to feel.
They certainly weren't supposed to feel love.
"What should we do?" he asked. "Should we seek forgiveness?"
"No." She turned to face him then, but kept her eyes averted from his. "We do nothing but return to our duties. Raguel will arrive shortly for a full report, and if our tasks have not been completed..."
"Anna."
The softly-spoken word made her pause, and emotion clouded her face for just a moment before she recovered her stern veneer. "Return to your duties, Castiel. That's an order."
He allowed himself a brief moment of sorrow as he watched her disappear in a faint glow of light. How could he just return to his duties as though nothing had happened? As though life as he knew it hadn't been turned on its head and altered forever?
Angels weren't supposed to experience physical affection. How then had this happened? Were they the only ones? He had never, in all of his ten thousand years, heard of angels mating in this way. But then, perhaps those who had committed such a grave sin were immediately banished from Heaven, sent far below to the depths of Hell to spend eternity being punished for their crime, never to be seen or talked about again by those who had known them.
He groaned as the potential consequences began to sink in. What had they done?
And did God already know?
He suddenly felt as though there were eyes all around him, watching his every move, silently accusing him of all the things he had spent his entire life loathing - blasphemy, disobedience, carelessness. Was a mighty hand about to strike him down for what he had done? Would he be seized as soon as he left this place and never be free again?
Had Anna already been taken the moment she left?
Their lives were over, he had no doubt of that. And for what? A brief moment of forbidden passion that had descended upon them out of nowhere and left them feeling reckless, intoxicated. Why had they not considered the consequences? Why had they been so blind? Why, after all these years of working side by side, had their bond suddenly grown so strong that it had overpowered them? Was it his fault? Had he forced his dearest friend into this situation and sealed her doom with his foolishness?
The guilt and anguish finally became too much for him. He fell down onto the ground and wept.
"Father, forgive me!" he cried. "I will do anything you ask of me to make this right!"
Despite his weeping and earnest pleas for guidance, the heavens stayed silent.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Do they know? Can they tell what I've done?" Anna asked herself as she passed through the hosts of her comrades. Every glance in her direction felt like an accusation, though she knew it was only in her mind. She tried to hide any sign of her guilt or shame, but she could feel them gnawing at her deep inside.
Still, even these were no match for her anger.
It seemed absurd that she should be fearing for her life simply because she had allowed herself to love. If it were only her life that was in danger, she wouldn't care. She was rapidly growing disillusioned with this life and the code of conduct she was forced to live by, thanks to all of the hypocrisy she saw amongst the warriors of Heaven. She knew she had allowed her discontent to lead her too far off the righteous path this time, but she almost felt it would be worth the price to shout it out before everyone in the garrison that she could feel. That there was so much more to their existence than rules and order and mindless obedience.
But what of Castiel? His was a life she was not willing to risk. Despite the difference in their ranks, he had been her closest friend and confidante for hundreds of years, the only living soul she trusted to share her innermost thoughts and her growing doubts about the way the Heavenly army had been run over the past few decades. She knew how harsh their punishment would be if they were ever discovered in their sin, and she would rather die than allow him to suffer in that way.
Thoughts of God never even crossed her mind. It had been made clear to her again and again in the past years that He had turned a blind eye on His angels and their activities. He was no longer watching them, rewarding them for their good deeds, or punishing them for their failures.
That was Raguel's department.
For the past century, Raguel had seen all and known all, seeming to have informants in every garrison as well as near-omniscience both in Heaven and on Earth. If you made a mistake, Raguel knew when and where and why. If you lay aside your duties for a time, no matter how hard you tried to conceal it by doubling your workload for the rest of the day, he could smell your negligence on the air and gave you ten times the work for your next assignment. If you committed any act of disobedience or blasphemy, it was he who sent you to judgment. He was as cold and unrelenting as an angel could be.
She must not allow him to learn of her transgression. The consequences would be more severe than she could even imagine.
"You look troubled, Anna."
Inwardly she flinched at the sound of Raguel's voice, but outwardly she maintained her composure. "I have many duties to complete before the day is through," she said as she faced him. "What can I do for you, Raguel?"
He studied her face for a long moment, but Anna knew this tactic too well to be taken off-guard. She waited patiently for him to continue, keeping her expression as hard as granite.
Finally, he seemed satisfied with his findings. "You have been slow with your assignment today," he said in his usual strict tone. "Your entire company is falling behind. If this keeps up, Anna, I will be forced to reassign you to a lower position and give your command over to someone who will treat their post with the proper respect."
Anna lowered her head. "I understand. I'll put everyone on double duties right away, and I assure you that we will never fall behind again."
Raguel inclined his head in approval. "See that it is so."
Anna waited until Raguel had disappeared before she allowed herself a sigh of relief. If only Castiel could pass the monitor's inspection as easily, their sin might yet go undetected.
That was the lie she continued to tell herself even as she began to feel the changes taking place inside of her.
She tried to ignore it, but as the day wore on it became impossible to deny that there was a strange and unfamiliar energy slowly forming and expanding throughout her body. It was so minute that no one around her could see, but it was undoubtedly there, filling her with a sense of dread so strong that by nightfall her composure was all but gone. Before her presence would be required in the praise hall, she flew to the farthest, most secluded corner of the Earth that she could find so that she could finally pour out her fear and anguish into the void.
No one needed to tell her what was happening. She knew. She was the only one who could know. No one else would believe for a moment that it was even possible. She would never have believed it herself if it weren't happening to her. She was an abomination, a freak of the natural order, a curse to her kind, a walking blasphemy.
She was with child.
How it had happened, she neither knew nor cared. The only word raging through her mind was why.
"Why is this happening to me?" she screamed as loud as she could, making the rocks and earth around her shake violently. "Did I not do all You asked of me for ten thousand years? Was that not enough for me to earn favour in Your sight? Now that I have doubt in my mind, is this how You've chosen to punish me?"
She sank to her knees and gazed up at the silent heavens. She felt abandoned, hopeless, as small and insignificant as a speck of dust. "Father, why?" she sobbed. "WHY???"
There was no reply.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 2