FIC: Broken Hallelujah (3/11)
Chapter 3
Castiel: "I'm not a... hammer, as you say. I have questions, I... I have doubts."
Despite her firm belief that she was doing the right thing, Anna was shaking with fear when she returned to the garrison. Her disappearance had to go unnoticed for at least half a day if she were to successfully avoid being followed and found, so she had planned her escape for early the next morning.
Eight more hours. She had to pretend that everything was normal for eight more hours. Strange how it seemed like half an eternity.
She acknowledged each of her friends and subordinates cordially as she passed them on her way to Praise, knowing it might be the last time she saw any of their familiar faces. It hurt her more than she had expected, but she had to fight against the urge to say her goodbyes. They all had to believe that this was a night like any other, but at least in hindsight their final memory of her would be a pleasant one.
If anyone dared to remember her fondly after what she was about to do. Considering that even Castiel could not see past the rules and allow himself to love her, she did not hold much hope for anyone else.
Castiel... her heart was still aching from his rejection, but she couldn't blame him. He had always been the most faithful, the most loyal, and the most devout of any angel she had ever known. If anything, she was surprised that he had remained true to her for as long as he had. She knew that he had never been comfortable listening to her complaints and discontented ranting about the orders they were given and the way things were changing. Instead of turning her in to their superiors to be punished for her heresy, he had always tried to reason with her, attempting to convince her that God was still in control and that His will would be revealed before long. He believed it so fervently that his reassurances had never failed to ease her mind and prevent her from giving up the fight.
Until today.
She had thought that his momentary passion the day before was a sign that he was finally coming to see things the way she did, but now she realized that this was most assuredly not the case. He was still the same old Castiel - still saw God's will in everything and had such a deep desire to serve that he could see nothing else beyond it. She admired him for his unshakable faith, while at the same time taking it as yet another proof that she no longer belonged among her own kind. She could never have that faith again. Not after what was happening to her.
God... if He really existed, and if He really cared, He would know what was going on within His own army. All the dissension and all the lies... He would have stepped in before it could go this far. Before she could be pushed so far as to sin in this way.
She knew now beyond a doubt that God was no longer watching them.
But Raguel was.
Anna had only six hours remaining before she could claim her freedom when she saw Raguel from the corner of her eye. She could tell that he was watching her as she knelt before the altar praising the Lord with her fellow day-watchers. She was trying to pretend that she believed the words she was chanting, but she could tell without even looking at his face that he could see right through her show.
After an hour had passed without Raguel so much as moving a muscle, Anna began to feel that his stony silence and unbreakable gaze were somehow more unsettling than being seized and taken for interrogation would be. Her will was slowly breaking under his watchful eye, and her words became slurred, apathetic, and finally nonsensical.
She couldn't be a hypocrite any longer, she realized. She couldn't kneel here before the throne of someone she no longer believed in. She stopped opening her mouth and joining in with the relentless chant. Then she bowed her head and waited for Raguel to make his move.
"Come with me quietly," he whispered into her ear, appearing beside her much faster than she had anticipated. "Do not cause a scene."
She allowed him to escort her silently away, only looking back for a moment to see if Castiel were watching. She saw him at the front of the crowd, prostrate before the altar without a thought or a care for anything but praising his Lord. She was glad of that. His secret would not be revealed by his reaction to her arrest.
As the door to the praise room closed behind her, she knew that even if she never saw him again, that last image of his devotion would give her comfort for the rest of her days. He was where he belonged, doing what made him contented and fulfilled. No matter what was in store for her at Raguel's hand, she would make sure that nothing ever happened to take that away from him.
Even if it meant her death.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Anna was gone.
Just like the day before, when the time came for her morning rounds, she did not appear. He had heard no alarms raised or search parties called, so he could only assume that her flight had as yet gone undetected.
Castiel sighed, though whether it was in relief or despair he didn't know. He was trying to do as Anna had ordered and go on with his life as though the past two days had never happened, but his guilt and shame were still hovering at the back of his mind at all times. He believed that hiding their sin was wrong, and he was sure that one day it would come back to haunt them, but for now he was simply glad that she had managed to get away.
It wasn't until halfway through his morning watch that he realized something had gone horribly wrong.
"Good morning, Castiel," said a cheerful voice behind him. "I trust you are well?"
Castiel's entire being, both body and mind, froze. He recognized that voice. It was a voice every garrison dreaded - the voice of the angel who was sent in to take charge when a garrison was falling apart.
When a leader had failed or forsaken their duties.
It was too soon for Anna's disappearance to have been detected and Zachariah called in to take her place. He would have heard the alarms and seen the wild frenzy as assignments were shifted and last-minute replacements summoned.
He knew what that meant. She hadn't made it after all. She must have been arrested hours ago for Zachariah to be calmly going about her rounds now. This had not been part of the plan. What would become of her? What should he do?
His momentary panic soon abated when he realized that he had yet to acknowledge Zachariah's presence. He quickly collected himself, knowing he had to remain calm and act as though he knew nothing. "Hello, Zachariah," he said, not removing his gaze from the world below them. "What brings you here this morning? Is all not well in the garrison?"
"Oh, far from well," Zachariah said, sidling closer to Castiel until he was practically breathing down his neck. "I'm afraid your commanding officer has been reassigned. Our superiors have been very unsatisfied with her work for the past few weeks, and they feel that a demotion is in order. I don't know exactly where they've sent her, but it's probably way out in the boonies somewhere." He chuckled, as though finding this thought amusing. "I was called upon last night to take her place until things are running smoothly again. Is that going to pose a problem for you?"
Castiel could tell that Zachariah was sizing him up, studying him, trying to gauge whether his loyalty lay with Anna or with his duties. He would have given anything to stand up for her now, but he remembered how earnestly she had pleaded with him to remain silent.
"Not at all," he said with a forced nonchalance. "It's just too bad that Anna had to be punished in such a way."
"Indeed it is," Zachariah said. His tone suggested that he knew more about her fate than he had indicated, but Castiel pretended not to notice. "Well, I will let you return to your watch without further distraction," he said a moment later. He patted Castiel's shoulder. "You're a good soldier, Castiel. I know you'll do double your share of the workload around here until things are put right."
Castiel nodded, knowing this was Zachariah's way of issuing an order. "I will."
Zachariah smiled his appreciation and vanished with a flutter of wings.
"Oh, Anna," Castiel murmured with a sigh. She wasn't safe after all. She was just about as far from safe as she could be.
He wished he could do something to help her, but he was powerless. Knowing that she had kept her word and had not betrayed him only made his guilt that much harder to bear. He owed her his life, but what could he do to repay her? He couldn't even find out where she was being held without implicating himself as an accomplice to her crime. If he were to remain free as she wished, he would have to forget all about her and leave her to her fate.
But how could he? Was that not betrayal? He was just as much to blame as she for her situation. How could he allow her to accept the consequences alone? Why had he accepted her final orders so quickly instead of remaining by her side?
With these and many other questions swimming in his mind throughout the day, Castiel had a difficult time retaining his composure as he met with others from his garrison to discuss the change in command. He constantly felt as though he were being followed and watched, so he could not allow himself even a moment of visible grief or regret. The slightest break in his façade, and his guilt would be plain for all to see.
By the time night fell, thoughts of where Anna must be and the pain she must be feeling could no longer be bottled up inside. He broke from the crowd before Praise to visit their island one last time.
Here he felt he could allow himself time to reflect on his friendship with her, the many pleasant times they had shared, and the vows they had taken to remain loyal to the end. They had known they were taking their intimacy too far even before the events of the past few days, but it was too late to take any of it back. He could see that now. There could be no ignoring their bond, no pretending that her disappearance meant nothing to him. If she had flown far away and was safe from those who would harm her, he felt he could have handled her absence more easily, but knowing that she was a prisoner and no doubt soon to be executed…
"I don't know what to do!" he shouted at the sky, willing the words to reach Anna's ears even though he knew it was futile. "What should I do?"
She would know. She always knew. That was what had made her such a great leader - she always knew instinctively what to do, with or without orders from those higher up on the chain of command. It was why they had always feared her, and why she had fallen so quickly into doubt.
And it was why he could not allow her life to be snuffed out. She was much too unique, too vital, too precious. He could not love her, but that did not mean he had to let her die. If it had been he who had been arrested, she would have helped him. She would have moved Heaven and Earth to set him free. How could he not do the same?
Somehow, he knew he had to find a way.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 4
Castiel: "I'm not a... hammer, as you say. I have questions, I... I have doubts."
Despite her firm belief that she was doing the right thing, Anna was shaking with fear when she returned to the garrison. Her disappearance had to go unnoticed for at least half a day if she were to successfully avoid being followed and found, so she had planned her escape for early the next morning.
Eight more hours. She had to pretend that everything was normal for eight more hours. Strange how it seemed like half an eternity.
She acknowledged each of her friends and subordinates cordially as she passed them on her way to Praise, knowing it might be the last time she saw any of their familiar faces. It hurt her more than she had expected, but she had to fight against the urge to say her goodbyes. They all had to believe that this was a night like any other, but at least in hindsight their final memory of her would be a pleasant one.
If anyone dared to remember her fondly after what she was about to do. Considering that even Castiel could not see past the rules and allow himself to love her, she did not hold much hope for anyone else.
Castiel... her heart was still aching from his rejection, but she couldn't blame him. He had always been the most faithful, the most loyal, and the most devout of any angel she had ever known. If anything, she was surprised that he had remained true to her for as long as he had. She knew that he had never been comfortable listening to her complaints and discontented ranting about the orders they were given and the way things were changing. Instead of turning her in to their superiors to be punished for her heresy, he had always tried to reason with her, attempting to convince her that God was still in control and that His will would be revealed before long. He believed it so fervently that his reassurances had never failed to ease her mind and prevent her from giving up the fight.
Until today.
She had thought that his momentary passion the day before was a sign that he was finally coming to see things the way she did, but now she realized that this was most assuredly not the case. He was still the same old Castiel - still saw God's will in everything and had such a deep desire to serve that he could see nothing else beyond it. She admired him for his unshakable faith, while at the same time taking it as yet another proof that she no longer belonged among her own kind. She could never have that faith again. Not after what was happening to her.
God... if He really existed, and if He really cared, He would know what was going on within His own army. All the dissension and all the lies... He would have stepped in before it could go this far. Before she could be pushed so far as to sin in this way.
She knew now beyond a doubt that God was no longer watching them.
But Raguel was.
Anna had only six hours remaining before she could claim her freedom when she saw Raguel from the corner of her eye. She could tell that he was watching her as she knelt before the altar praising the Lord with her fellow day-watchers. She was trying to pretend that she believed the words she was chanting, but she could tell without even looking at his face that he could see right through her show.
After an hour had passed without Raguel so much as moving a muscle, Anna began to feel that his stony silence and unbreakable gaze were somehow more unsettling than being seized and taken for interrogation would be. Her will was slowly breaking under his watchful eye, and her words became slurred, apathetic, and finally nonsensical.
She couldn't be a hypocrite any longer, she realized. She couldn't kneel here before the throne of someone she no longer believed in. She stopped opening her mouth and joining in with the relentless chant. Then she bowed her head and waited for Raguel to make his move.
"Come with me quietly," he whispered into her ear, appearing beside her much faster than she had anticipated. "Do not cause a scene."
She allowed him to escort her silently away, only looking back for a moment to see if Castiel were watching. She saw him at the front of the crowd, prostrate before the altar without a thought or a care for anything but praising his Lord. She was glad of that. His secret would not be revealed by his reaction to her arrest.
As the door to the praise room closed behind her, she knew that even if she never saw him again, that last image of his devotion would give her comfort for the rest of her days. He was where he belonged, doing what made him contented and fulfilled. No matter what was in store for her at Raguel's hand, she would make sure that nothing ever happened to take that away from him.
Even if it meant her death.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Anna was gone.
Just like the day before, when the time came for her morning rounds, she did not appear. He had heard no alarms raised or search parties called, so he could only assume that her flight had as yet gone undetected.
Castiel sighed, though whether it was in relief or despair he didn't know. He was trying to do as Anna had ordered and go on with his life as though the past two days had never happened, but his guilt and shame were still hovering at the back of his mind at all times. He believed that hiding their sin was wrong, and he was sure that one day it would come back to haunt them, but for now he was simply glad that she had managed to get away.
It wasn't until halfway through his morning watch that he realized something had gone horribly wrong.
"Good morning, Castiel," said a cheerful voice behind him. "I trust you are well?"
Castiel's entire being, both body and mind, froze. He recognized that voice. It was a voice every garrison dreaded - the voice of the angel who was sent in to take charge when a garrison was falling apart.
When a leader had failed or forsaken their duties.
It was too soon for Anna's disappearance to have been detected and Zachariah called in to take her place. He would have heard the alarms and seen the wild frenzy as assignments were shifted and last-minute replacements summoned.
He knew what that meant. She hadn't made it after all. She must have been arrested hours ago for Zachariah to be calmly going about her rounds now. This had not been part of the plan. What would become of her? What should he do?
His momentary panic soon abated when he realized that he had yet to acknowledge Zachariah's presence. He quickly collected himself, knowing he had to remain calm and act as though he knew nothing. "Hello, Zachariah," he said, not removing his gaze from the world below them. "What brings you here this morning? Is all not well in the garrison?"
"Oh, far from well," Zachariah said, sidling closer to Castiel until he was practically breathing down his neck. "I'm afraid your commanding officer has been reassigned. Our superiors have been very unsatisfied with her work for the past few weeks, and they feel that a demotion is in order. I don't know exactly where they've sent her, but it's probably way out in the boonies somewhere." He chuckled, as though finding this thought amusing. "I was called upon last night to take her place until things are running smoothly again. Is that going to pose a problem for you?"
Castiel could tell that Zachariah was sizing him up, studying him, trying to gauge whether his loyalty lay with Anna or with his duties. He would have given anything to stand up for her now, but he remembered how earnestly she had pleaded with him to remain silent.
"Not at all," he said with a forced nonchalance. "It's just too bad that Anna had to be punished in such a way."
"Indeed it is," Zachariah said. His tone suggested that he knew more about her fate than he had indicated, but Castiel pretended not to notice. "Well, I will let you return to your watch without further distraction," he said a moment later. He patted Castiel's shoulder. "You're a good soldier, Castiel. I know you'll do double your share of the workload around here until things are put right."
Castiel nodded, knowing this was Zachariah's way of issuing an order. "I will."
Zachariah smiled his appreciation and vanished with a flutter of wings.
"Oh, Anna," Castiel murmured with a sigh. She wasn't safe after all. She was just about as far from safe as she could be.
He wished he could do something to help her, but he was powerless. Knowing that she had kept her word and had not betrayed him only made his guilt that much harder to bear. He owed her his life, but what could he do to repay her? He couldn't even find out where she was being held without implicating himself as an accomplice to her crime. If he were to remain free as she wished, he would have to forget all about her and leave her to her fate.
But how could he? Was that not betrayal? He was just as much to blame as she for her situation. How could he allow her to accept the consequences alone? Why had he accepted her final orders so quickly instead of remaining by her side?
With these and many other questions swimming in his mind throughout the day, Castiel had a difficult time retaining his composure as he met with others from his garrison to discuss the change in command. He constantly felt as though he were being followed and watched, so he could not allow himself even a moment of visible grief or regret. The slightest break in his façade, and his guilt would be plain for all to see.
By the time night fell, thoughts of where Anna must be and the pain she must be feeling could no longer be bottled up inside. He broke from the crowd before Praise to visit their island one last time.
Here he felt he could allow himself time to reflect on his friendship with her, the many pleasant times they had shared, and the vows they had taken to remain loyal to the end. They had known they were taking their intimacy too far even before the events of the past few days, but it was too late to take any of it back. He could see that now. There could be no ignoring their bond, no pretending that her disappearance meant nothing to him. If she had flown far away and was safe from those who would harm her, he felt he could have handled her absence more easily, but knowing that she was a prisoner and no doubt soon to be executed…
"I don't know what to do!" he shouted at the sky, willing the words to reach Anna's ears even though he knew it was futile. "What should I do?"
She would know. She always knew. That was what had made her such a great leader - she always knew instinctively what to do, with or without orders from those higher up on the chain of command. It was why they had always feared her, and why she had fallen so quickly into doubt.
And it was why he could not allow her life to be snuffed out. She was much too unique, too vital, too precious. He could not love her, but that did not mean he had to let her die. If it had been he who had been arrested, she would have helped him. She would have moved Heaven and Earth to set him free. How could he not do the same?
Somehow, he knew he had to find a way.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 4