Seamus had been laying awake on his couch, staring up at the ceiling in complete silence as he iced his hand. Part of him had been hoping that he'd be able to take a nap, the hours of sleep dwindling down to nearly nothing since his birthday, realizing that he was having trouble with it when Orla wasn't with him. He was wide awake now, annoyingly so, with nothing to do but replay the scene back at the beer tent
( ... )
Even now, when he was telling her out right that he cared about there, that it was hard for him to see her with somebody else, anybody but somehow worse with Zacharias Smith, she was just going to brush it all off. It was like none of that even mattered to her, that she couldn't even imagine that Seamus would have those sort of feelings.
Honestly, it made him want to tear his hair out, growing even more frustrated.
"This isn't about Orla-" he said, his voice getting away from him now.
Seamus turned away from her, rubbing at the back of his neck as he took deep breaths to clear his head, a sad exercise that was supposed to calm him down but usually didn't work very well. At least now he could see straight, no threat of that blurred out, rage filled vision and fire brewing inside of him.
"You know, what. Just never mind, okay? Forget it-"
She was feeling frantic and exhausted, for the first time not knowing how to make this better. It dawned on her in that moment that there might not be able anything she could say that would fix this.
She had never seen him so frustrated. He was angry and it was at her.
She pressed her lips together, biting down on them harshly as she felt her heart starting to beat rapidly in her chest.
"Seamus- you're my best friend-" she said, her voice desperate, the sound making her wince. "What ever is going on, I'm here-"
Whatever it was, she'd figure it out. They would. They always did.
This was starting to break him down now, the pounding inside of his head getting louder and louder with each passing second. It was possible that this was the most difficult and exhausting conversation, or fight or fallout or whatever this was, that he'd ever had to deal with in his life.
That was when Zacharias' words came ringing back to him, loud and clear when they'd been overlooked by his rage earlier.
Though, they didn't make him any less upset now.
"What did he mean anyway?" Seamus probably could have asked her more delicately, but he didn't. "What, you're always here for me and I'm never there for you? What the hell-"
She took another step forward on the beat of the word, Marlow's hands out cautiously, palms facing out as she looked at him, her head shaking.
She wasn't sure she knew how to explain all of that without getting involved in how she had been feeling these past few months. And this wasn't about her- really. Not with the way Seamus was acting. There was something going on here that she couldn't grasp and the last thing she wanted to do was start spilling her own issues.
"No- he was just, frustrated, I guess-" she said lamely. "He's um- well look Seamus- I've been going through a lot of-"
She couldn't figure out how to say this and it was coming out disjointed and stammered.
She frowned.
"It's nothing. What he said was just stupid, alright? Just forget about it."
Just that slight step backward put Marlow's body at an immediate standstill. If he didn't think he could stand even a few inches closer to her, she wasn't going to push it, no matter how much that pained her. All the moments they'd spent curled up together, whether it was in front of the fireplace or watching a movie, those moments hadn't ever felt uncomfortable before
( ... )
Seamus just stared at her blankly now, biting into the inside of his cheek as he listened, watched her fumble and try to reason with him as if all of this was actually all her fault all along. If he didn't close himself off then he was going to crumble, pull her back into his arms and this whole thing would have been pointless
( ... )
Her shoulders sagged, her body sort of curving in on itself as she stood there, once again feeling utterly defeated. It seemed like everything she said angered him more, the bite and edge to his tone growing progressively more intense every time he spoke. She sucked in a breath, her eyes catching sight of the floor as she tried to steady the rapid beating of her heart in her chest
( ... )
"Well, it doesn't seem like that to me. Seems like the bloke got pretty fucking lucky being there for you-" he said, obvious bitterness in his tone.
Seamus didn't want to say it, he didn't even want to think it, but should have him been him that Marlow had turned to when she got this way. Hell, it had been him for the last ten years at least.
And the one time he couldn't be there for her, for once needing somebody to be the one to reach out to him, he was the shit friend over it.
He was over it.
"But I guess you know how I feel then. You didn't want to talk to me and now I don't really want to talk to you. Guess we're even and all that-"
Marlow hesitated for a moment, his words repeating over and over again in her head, trying to somehow excuse the gross insinuation attached to his words.
"You're acting like a child-" she said, words coming out in a clipped, exasperated tone. "You haven't said one clear, bloody thing since I walked through that door except that you don't like my boyfriend- well guess what, Seamus? He's not going anywhere-"
She sucked in a breath, her head spinning as she finally caught his eye.
"But I guess I am," she said, more quietly now, though her tone was no less firm. "If you can't act like an adult for two minutes then what am I even doing here? I've been apologizing and apologizing trying to get you to stop being mad at me and for what? You're just being cruel-"
She raked her fingers through her hair, feeling frantic at how frustrating this all was.
"I've had one person decide they were done with me, I guess I can handle another-"
She wrapped her jacket more tightly around her body as she moved toward the door.
Seamus bit into his cheek, so hard this time that the sharp metallic taste of blood fill his mouth and a sharp pain right between the eyes, her words cutting deep.
It was even worse hearing Zachariah's insult falling from her mouth, realizing now that she had been upset with him this entire time for not being there for her. It was even worse that she wouldn't have said anything otherwise, the two of them having to get to this point for the truth to come out.
And it really fucking pissed him off.
Somehow this entire thing got twisted up and put on him, as if he wasn't dealing with any of his own issues.
"You know what, Marlow, that's probably a good idea-" he told her, his words slow and careful as he narrowed his eyes.
There was that blankness creeping in again, a fire building and he just needed her to get out.
"Maybe everything can stop revolving around all your problems now and I can get on with my own life."
Her hand had wrapped around the doorknob, Marlow lingering there, somehow waiting and hoping that maybe he'd apologize or confess what was really going on- that he would just talk to her or that this was all just a weird dream, that everything that had happened at the beer garden- everything here- that it was all just her imagination running wild
( ... )
When the door shut behind her Seamus just stood there, watching and staring into space for a very long time, the blood pounding inside of his ears and taking deep breaths.
He already felt a little bit emptier, like a piece of him was missing but he didn't move, didn't go after her to beg forgiveness and sit her down to really explain what was going on.
There might not be any going back from this, his words too hard, but that was what he wanted.
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Honestly, it made him want to tear his hair out, growing even more frustrated.
"This isn't about Orla-" he said, his voice getting away from him now.
Seamus turned away from her, rubbing at the back of his neck as he took deep breaths to clear his head, a sad exercise that was supposed to calm him down but usually didn't work very well. At least now he could see straight, no threat of that blurred out, rage filled vision and fire brewing inside of him.
"You know, what. Just never mind, okay? Forget it-"
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She was feeling frantic and exhausted, for the first time not knowing how to make this better. It dawned on her in that moment that there might not be able anything she could say that would fix this.
She had never seen him so frustrated. He was angry and it was at her.
She pressed her lips together, biting down on them harshly as she felt her heart starting to beat rapidly in her chest.
"Seamus- you're my best friend-" she said, her voice desperate, the sound making her wince. "What ever is going on, I'm here-"
Whatever it was, she'd figure it out. They would. They always did.
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This was starting to break him down now, the pounding inside of his head getting louder and louder with each passing second. It was possible that this was the most difficult and exhausting conversation, or fight or fallout or whatever this was, that he'd ever had to deal with in his life.
That was when Zacharias' words came ringing back to him, loud and clear when they'd been overlooked by his rage earlier.
Though, they didn't make him any less upset now.
"What did he mean anyway?" Seamus probably could have asked her more delicately, but he didn't. "What, you're always here for me and I'm never there for you? What the hell-"
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She took another step forward on the beat of the word, Marlow's hands out cautiously, palms facing out as she looked at him, her head shaking.
She wasn't sure she knew how to explain all of that without getting involved in how she had been feeling these past few months. And this wasn't about her- really. Not with the way Seamus was acting. There was something going on here that she couldn't grasp and the last thing she wanted to do was start spilling her own issues.
"No- he was just, frustrated, I guess-" she said lamely. "He's um- well look Seamus- I've been going through a lot of-"
She couldn't figure out how to say this and it was coming out disjointed and stammered.
She frowned.
"It's nothing. What he said was just stupid, alright? Just forget about it."
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Seamus didn't want to say it, he didn't even want to think it, but should have him been him that Marlow had turned to when she got this way. Hell, it had been him for the last ten years at least.
And the one time he couldn't be there for her, for once needing somebody to be the one to reach out to him, he was the shit friend over it.
He was over it.
"But I guess you know how I feel then. You didn't want to talk to me and now I don't really want to talk to you. Guess we're even and all that-"
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"You're acting like a child-" she said, words coming out in a clipped, exasperated tone. "You haven't said one clear, bloody thing since I walked through that door except that you don't like my boyfriend- well guess what, Seamus? He's not going anywhere-"
She sucked in a breath, her head spinning as she finally caught his eye.
"But I guess I am," she said, more quietly now, though her tone was no less firm. "If you can't act like an adult for two minutes then what am I even doing here? I've been apologizing and apologizing trying to get you to stop being mad at me and for what? You're just being cruel-"
She raked her fingers through her hair, feeling frantic at how frustrating this all was.
"I've had one person decide they were done with me, I guess I can handle another-"
She wrapped her jacket more tightly around her body as she moved toward the door.
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It was even worse hearing Zachariah's insult falling from her mouth, realizing now that she had been upset with him this entire time for not being there for her. It was even worse that she wouldn't have said anything otherwise, the two of them having to get to this point for the truth to come out.
And it really fucking pissed him off.
Somehow this entire thing got twisted up and put on him, as if he wasn't dealing with any of his own issues.
"You know what, Marlow, that's probably a good idea-" he told her, his words slow and careful as he narrowed his eyes.
There was that blankness creeping in again, a fire building and he just needed her to get out.
"Maybe everything can stop revolving around all your problems now and I can get on with my own life."
There. He'd said it.
He couldn't take it back.
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He already felt a little bit emptier, like a piece of him was missing but he didn't move, didn't go after her to beg forgiveness and sit her down to really explain what was going on.
There might not be any going back from this, his words too hard, but that was what he wanted.
Wasn't it?
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